But England aren't even playing (anymore) - Day 20

I’m still alive, unlike English football. My gap in posting began with me giving it a day or so because I thought I was “saturating the market” and then my hiatus went on and on.

As for England or English football. It’s in the same state it was in 4 years ago. Still trying to convince ourselves that the reason for our abject failure at another tournament was the manager, the cohesion of the players (although we can’t say the Lampard/Gerrard thing now), the referee, penalties, basically the same crap.

As opposed to facing up to the fact that our game isn’t good enough. That we’ve only once ever actually done anything at a major internationally tournament (if that raises an eyebrow, actually look back at our Italia 90 & Euro 96 performances/results). That our Premier League, while fairly strong, contains some absolute dross as well and that none of the truly world class players in it are English. That we’re still tactically inept, because we refuse to believe that we aren’t.

But we’ll never do that. So in 2 years (1 and a half if things get even worse), expect the same post!

More importantly, England's defeat robbed me of the opportunity to hilariously tweet Peter Andre and Kerry Katona telling them that, "Their boys took a hell of a beating!"

I'm off, now. I've got the rest of Poland v Portugal to watch.

This blog post on the subject of England's elimination is worth a read, in my opinion anyway!

Hillsborough, Tottenham and Euro 88

It’s been a while (as always), I’ve been meaning to post something (as always). Now I have tons to talk about. I’m going to try and be as succinct as possible. Here goes…

He's the sort of bloke that used to come out and complain about you playing football in the street

So straight off the bat, sorry off the bat is one of those w*nky things people say in work meetings like Starter for 10 and Let’s park that! No more w*nky office jargon. I’ll begin with the Premier League title race. It’s all but over now. Thank god! I was getting seriously worried Tottenham were going to win it. So worried I stuck £25 on them at 15/8 (would have won £65, including my stake). But they messed up, they drew with Tony Pulis’ West Brom this Monday and have now put Leicester in a position where they only need 2 points to secure their first (and maybe only, in my lifetime) league title.  I bet Pulis was so happy! He’s got that “party pooper” air about him. That, turn on the lights, “Everybody go home! Your parents have been called…!” look about him (I think I’ve stolen that from the Football Ramble? Not sure? If I have, sorry! I’ve just given you free advertising there anyway! And I kind of thought that before you brought it up!).

Anyway Spurs probably won’t win the league now and I’m delighted. There’s been a lot of Spurslike reaction to this too, “I bet all the mugs backing Leicester are happy now… Shut up Arsenal fans! At least we got this far…! It’s all a conspiracy (I’ve genuinely seen this)…!” This is my main reason for not wishing my fellow Londoners well. While I know some decent Spurs fans who are measured in their opinions on football, the majority of them show about as much humility in victory, as a 5 year old who’s just won a game of pass the parcel at their best mate’s birthday party! I genuinely fear for us all if that lot ever win the league. So come on Leicester! Pick up those two points so we can all breathe a sigh of relief.

PS genuine well done to Tottenham (as much as it pains me to say it), probably the strongest, but obviously not statistically the best, team in the country this season. Please revert to type next season!

Let’s move away from talk of the league (in case Tottenham do go and win it). As you may or may not know, this week in court, it was found that the victims of the Hillsborough disaster were unlawfully killed.

While this will never make up for the 27 years of hurt experienced by the affected families or bring back any of the 96 people that died, I believe it’s a step in the right direction. I’m always appalled by the when I read about the initial reactions of the police, politicians of the day and media outlets when I read the Hillsborough story; as well as the fact that the disaster happened in the first place. I think it strikes a chord with me as I go to watch so much football and see so many families and kids at games.

When I then read the sorts of comments made by the likes of David Cameron (don’t even start me on that guy), Margaret Thatcher and The S*n newspaper I’m infuriated. In what other world would families go out on a weekend to an event, to see something they enjoy, for entertainment; be killed as a result of negligence on the part of the event organisers and then be criminalised by politicians and the media. Yeah we had (and probably still have to an extent) a hooligan problem within football in the 1980s, but 22 of the victims were kids! Were these hooligans? Would The S*n/Thatcher have come out and said what they did had these been middle class families at the theatre? Or more realistically, 96 nightclub goers? It’s absolutely disgusting. In my opinion, anybody with a public voice who has attempted to trivialise the disaster and its effect on the families involved, or criminalise the victims should be held to account for their comments, no matter how long ago, and sacked! And I will never EVER buy The S*n newspaper (or even have it in my house), I can’t understand how any football fan would. Just my opinion, mind you.

On to a more jovial subject. It’s coming up to summer in an even numbered year, which can only mean one thing…! MAJOR INTERNATIONAL TOURNAMENT! The Mrs is already dreading it. I’ve given soft signals as to my unavailability between Friday 10^th of June and Sunday 10^th of July. I’m even going!! Yes! Italy v Sweden in Toulouse on the 17^th June. I can’t wait! Oh by the way, I forgot to mention what tournament it is, for any lay people who still read this (I fear those numbers have dwindled). It’s the European Championships aka the EuropeanWorld Cup (not The Euro or The Euros! God I hate that phrase)! It took a while for me to get excited for this one. I think that happens with every European World Cup, due to the more low key build up in the media compared to a “World” World Cup. But I’m well up for it now. And I’ve started my countdown doing what any self respecting saddo would do, scavenging and scouring the internet for info, videos & stories to add to the stuff I’ve already seen (or know) about past European World Cups. Just to top my really weird obsession, I’ve split my “research” by tournament and by week starting with Euro 88. I’ll get on to why in a minute but I’ve already f*cked this up because there are 7 tournaments for me to look at but only around 5 weeks until the tournament starts, saying that I probably won’t be that fussed by the time we get to the last few tournaments, although Euro 2008 was one of the best tournaments in recent years in my opinion.

So why start with Euro 88? Well if you’re a geek like me and know you European Championship history, you’ll know that pre 1980 it wasn’t much of an actual tournament. There was a long qualifying competition which resulted in 4 teams being left at the end to play the semis and the final. It all had a bit of a glorified Emirates Cup feel about it. I mean Germany (West pre 1992) didn’t even enter the first few. Then 1980 was an awful competition from all I’ve read, so awful that I can only just about remember the finalists and the score. Apparently it was dominated by hooliganism and low scoring matches and played in half empty stadiums. It will be of no surprise to some people to hear that Euro 80 was held in Italy (all though the low scoring thing doesn’t ring true nowadays, but that’s another subject). And then Euro 84, which by all accounts was a marvellous tournament, seems to have been wiped off the face of the earth in terms of any historical footprint. I think it’s because we didn’t qualify and everyone thought it was going to be as sh*t as Euro 80.

Then came Euro 88, and the game changed! First of all, amazing stat, Euro 88 is the only major international tournament (of the modern day at least) to have not had a single red card, own goal or knockout match decided by penalty shootout. Based on my hatred of penalty shootouts (bring back replays for big games), that’s a winner in my opinion. And Euro 88 looks great! By that I mean images of it, both still and moving. It’s not as bright and colourful as Mexico 86 but it’s certainly not as dark and dingy as Italia 90. I always think World Cups and European Championships can be married up to an extent, in terms of fashion i.e. kits, haircuts etc, tactics and to a lesser extent star players. Euro 88 was definitely more in line with the aforementioned, and historically popular, Mexico 86. It also shares the fact that missed it due to my being not that interested in football at a young age (not until the winter that followed, when I was around 8). God I wish I’d have started watching a year earlier! I think the mystique of it being a tournament that I missed, makes it all the more interesting.

Much like Euro 84 and 80, in fact any European World Cup, Euro 88 wasn’t our finest hour. England’s record at the tournament reads: played three, lost three, scored two, conceded seven! The key moments of the campaign being an opening match up with the Republic of Ireland, making their debut at the European World Cup (parallels with Wales this year?); and an epic battle with, the eventual champions, Holland, where Marco Van Basten sunk us with a hat trick.

I managed to dig out a video of the ITV build up, along with half time and full time analysis for the England v Ireland game, which in my opinion is hilarious due to the late Brian Clough’s completely dismissive, “We’re England you know!” attitude when speaking about the Irish chances of winning the game. In addition I dug out THE FULL official video of the Tournament (produced by Worldmark as always) Tor! Total Football, which is narrated by none other than Craig Charles. I must say I impressed myself with this find, it’s the height of “Geekiry”. I didn’t even realise European World Cups had official videos, if you’ve got a spare hour (and you give a sh*t) I can recommend it!

Right I’m off to immerse myself in Euro 92, which will largely involve me wondering why Graham Taylor subbed Lineker (he deserved Rooney’s record) and saying “…Brolin! Dahlin! BROLIN!” in my best Barry Davies accent.

That wasn't very succinct was it.

Chat sh*t get banged!

Those who talk rubbish, risk being struck down!

This isn’t so much a new me or a change to this blog, I don’t do “New Me’s” or New Year’s resolutions. But there are going to be changes, in the blog and in life (watch this space)! To me the New Year is the same as the old one. Except for this one is a European Championship year (no birthdays, weddings or christenings in June or July please). And I’m getting married at the end of it. I’ve decided I need to do something about my growing waistline, which has basically been moving in the same direction since we had our first child Noah (aka West Ham’s bad luck charm) last November. So it’s plenty more running and my own take on the caveman diet in 2016, but more procrastination and sarcasm when it comes to this blog. I can’t wait!!

As for the football, West Ham are doing OK. Many will say we’ve followed the same pattern as last year, a great start to the season with some notable scalps, which then tailed off post November. There is a difference though, the difference is you can see we’re trying new things and players like Payet and Lanzini have added freshness to our attacking play. In many areas we still have the same personnel as last season and as a result have shown our limitations, notably with our defensive displays against Bournemouth and Tottenham. I suppose we now just have to see who comes in in January and whether we can put in an impressive finish to our last season at The Boleyn Ground.

On the subject of transfers it’s now January, as you will have guessed from all of the faux philosophical statuses on social media, which means one thing. The transfer window is open! Barcelona can now sign players (because they desperately need to don’t they); Arsenal won’t sign anyone, despite all of their fans pleading for the capture of Draxler or Benzema or the new Draxler/Benzema; and West Ham (not just West Ham all the other mid ranking Premier League teams) will panic loan an extra 3 has been’s, or never were’s until the end of the Season, see Nikita Jelavic aka the shit version of Andy Carroll (I hope he’s on loan).

Leicester are top! Well they’re not anymore; they’re 2^nd on goal difference. But regardless, that’s quite an achievement for a club who were bottom of the Premier League this time last year. Personally I’d love Leicester to win the league. It would give me the hope that the disparity that has been created between the big and small clubs, in the last 25 years since the advent of the Premier League, Champions League and all that Sky Money, is starting to even out. Fingers crossed…!

Finally if there is anything that the first 4/5 months of the season has taught me; other than the fact that Mourinho is actually mental and LVG hasn’t been good since that Ajax team; it is that in a world were Leicester City are the best team in the country, as a wise man once said… “Chat sh*t, get banged!”

Summer is over!

That's right people. It's set to be the hottest weekend of the year this weekend but summer is actually over. Why? Because the football season has started and as you probably know football is a winter sport. Last week we saw the beginning of the new season marked with the traditional curtain raiser the Charity Community Shield (when the hell did it become the 'Community Shield'? And what was so charitable about it in the past?) As with all football matches of a certain level these days, it was full of drama, you had a dud super signing scoring for once, a seemingly obligatory, red card and a late goal which spiced things up and produced the usual game of Snach between the goalkeeper and the attackers. Racist John Terry managed to keep his nose clean for the majority of the game and Tearaway Carlos Tevez produced the goods. Football is definitely back!

It was all going off at Villa Park

Before I start on the new season I feel I should mention  this summer's footballing events. We had a great tournament in the form of Euro 2012, where we discovered, Spain are as annoyingly good as they were 2/4 years ago, Germany still aren't quite ready, Roy Keane is very close to killing someone, England and Ireland are useless despite what FIFA or the tabloids over here think and I have no ability when it comes to predicting football results (as if France were ever going to win it). Or do I? See on top of Euro 2012 we had an Olympic football tournament that, for once, contained the home nations; and as a result got far more coverage over here than recent tournaments. I correctly (that's right, CORRECTLY) predicted in April, with some outside assistance, that Mexico were going to win the tournament but as with all of the few wagers that I make that come true, I lost my nerve when it came to placing my bet and only placed £1. That's right! One measly English (or British) Pound, at 10-1. For anyone who doesn't understand gambling, that means I won ten times my original stake (£10), plus my stake back (£1). For all of about 5 minutes, before I'd  checked my Bet365 account, I managed to convince myself that back in April I'd grown some gambling testicles and places a £10 bet, but no! I saved that for my Nostradamus like Euro 2012 soothsayings. Yes that's right, I'll have £10 on France, a team that until this year hadn't won a game at a major tournament without Michel Platini or Zinedine Zidane playing, since the 1958 World Cup (geek) but I'll only put a £1 on the team that came 3rd in the last Under 20 World Cup and won the last Under 17 version, IN AN UNDERAGE TOURNAMENT! You can probably sense, at present I'm As sick as a Parrot (do Parrots tend to suffer from sickness more than other animals/birds? Maybe they're just hypochondriacs...? I spelt that right the first time! Booooom!). Finally I must mention, England are up to 3rd in the FIFA world rankings, what the...? If anything I'd say we've got weaker since the World Cup what with the likes of Lampard and Gerrard staring to age. And we've hardly had better results in tournaments. Now I've not looked at who are above us in the rankings but I'm assuming that Spain are (obviously, everybody's still bumming them), then you have a host of teams that could rightly stake a claim to being above us. There's Uruguay, current Copa America champions and 3rd place finishers at the last World Cup. Unfortunately it doesn't matter how much everyone hates Luis Suarez the stats put them above us. Holland, who may have had a distasterous European World Cup (still saying it) but finished 2nd in the last World Cup. Germany, who have pretty much been awesome for the last four years (to be fair they're always awesome, it's just that now everyone likes them). They were 4th in the last World Cup (and knocked us out along the way), and got to the Semis of the European World Cup (AND were runners up in 2008). And Italy, who were runners up in the most recent European World Cup and dumped us out (while thoroughly outclassing us for 120 minutes). In my mind, either Trevor Brooking has got some serious dirt on Sepp Blatter, who I discovered this week has a Twitter account? Who wants to follow him "Just picked up some money from an Arabic friend... #Qatar2022 #BackTheBid". I'm sure it's better than that I'm just not following him; or Blatter feels so bad about awarding the 2022 World Cup to Qatar (the games better be on a decent times in the day) that he feels the need to compensate unlucky bidders like England.

I knew they'd do it!

Back to the new season, West Ham kick off with a home game against Aston Villa tomorrow, the battle of claret and blue. I always resent the fact that people who don't follow football much mistake West Ham for Villa. They don't have white socks! What kind of crazy man would design and claret and blue kit with claret or blue socks?!? It's madness I tell ya! As with our next two fixtures and going back to a post I did a few weeks ago, tomorrow's game is massively impinging on a social event that I need to attend tomorrow. I'll be missing our home clashes next  month with Sunderland and Fulham due to social events. Can people please start checking the football league calendar!!

There's no escaping him!

With a new season come things like fantasy football leagues too. Now I enjoy a good fantasy football league but a couple of things annoy me. The first is that you never get enough money, I'm always left scouring all the Wigan defenders or midfielders for a player that will get enough games to get points but not too many games, cos you know those Wigan players will end up with a negative score. Is Alcaraz any good this year? Who the hell is Alcaraz anyway? Isn't that an old prison in America? The second thing that grinds my gears is that they take so much maintenance. Why do I have to name a captain? And a reserve goalkeeper? Just let me choose 11 players and give me the option to change say three of them in January. This isn't actually the Premier League! Next they'll be asking us to hold virtual training sessions during the week...

The last thing I wanted to say with regards to the new season is, what the hell is the Capital Once Cup?!? And why did it start last Saturday? The League Cup is for weekday evenings only (except the final and maybe one of the semis). And Capital One?!? I was just getting used to Carling and quite frankly would rather we called it the Littlewoods or Rumbleows Cup, those were the days. When Forest were the only team that ever won it! Now Liverpool are the new Forest!

Ok so everybody enjoy the new season, can we please stop talking about Van Persie going to Manchester United, it's done now. The way some Arsenal fans have been carrying on, you think he killed a member of their family. And the way some Sp*rs fans have been carrying on... well they're acting the same way they always do, first to goad and setting themselves up for egg on their faces. And finally yes the Premiership is back but it IS NOT better than the World Cup or European World Cup! Fact!

See you later...

Update

Congrats, but don't get carried away

I know I've not been on here for over a week now, I've been kinda busy. Just want to say congrats to Spain on Winning the inaugural European World Cup (yep I'm continuing the joke), lets see if they can defend it in 4 years time. See that's how you praise them! I think everyone is getting a little excited and carried away, proclaiming them as the greatest team ever. Yes they've won three competitions on the bounce but so did Uruguay in the 1920's/30's and the Italian side of the mid to late 30's might have done the same had the European World Cup been invented back then, the Brazillians of the late 90's/early 00's would have probably won three World Cups had Ronaldo not had a fit in the preparation for the 1998 final... The point I'm trying to make is, let's not get carried away, lets just appreciate Spain for what they are, a good football team, let's stop "sucking them off" (for want of a better phrase). They've been fortunate at times as have others been unfortunate, this not to take anything away from them but I'd say Germany were the most impressive team this year, they had an off 60 minutes (just as Spain did against Switzerland in their first game of the last World Cup) and were caught out. Italy were well beaten in the final but nobody seems to remember that they played the best part of half an hour with 10 men due to an unfortunate injury to Thiago Motta. England were... nah I'm kidding! England were dog poo as usual and everyone got excited despite constantly saying, "we're not getting excited this year", I mean can you believe there were people who thought we could match up to the likes of Italy?? We ended up putting in an embarrassing performance, it's not surprise we lost the penalty shoot out the players were knackered from spending 100+ minutes chasing Andrea Pirlo and co.

My final thoughts on Euro 2012, a thoroughly entertaining tournament the likes of which I haven't seen for a VERY long time. Let's hope the 2014 World Cup is just as good.

Best player: Andrea Pirlo, the only person who wasn't Spanish to come out of the tournament getting "sucked off" (sorry) by the press over here. It's liken they'd never heard of him, despite him being a World Cup winner, the wrong side of 30, playing for the current Italian champions... lazy journalism!

Worst player: Georgious Samaras. Wow! He was shocking. In the BBC closing montage they had a slo-mo of another Greek player shouting at him, I thought that was quite apt as I can imagine he'd have been pretty frustrating to play with. He did get on the scoresheet against the Germans though, I believe that puts him on 5 for the season. Yes! Five!! From a forward!

Best goal: Blaszczykowski's equaliser for Poland against Russia, great strike, apologies for Mick McCarthy's drab Northern accent.

Best Game: Not sure? The opener was pretty entertaining what with two red cards, a penalty save and a host of jokes regarding Greek instability & Poland's right wing element (this stuff writes itself sometimes).

Worst Game: Spain v Portugal, snoozeville. See they're not all flair and "Tika Taka"

Best Celebration: There weren't many or any unusual celebrations so I'll have to go with Balotelli's shirt off flex

Best Team: Germany, in my opinion. But that is closely followed by Spain. The best team doesn't always win!

Worst Team: Ireland, see Samaras. He scored as many as they did!

Best name: "You're a Czech!!" (Jiracek)

Best Look-a-like: Manuel Neuer looks a man from a Nazi propaganda poster or like he'd be on the East German team in Cool Runnings.

Hey, Jamaica! Watch out for Number Twelve turn. Scary, jaah?

Other notable mentions: Can we stop playing music after a goal is scored please UEFA? It's not clever. It's what teams from up north that have half empty stadiums do. We also do not need a pretentious overhead gradually zooming in, camera shot of every kick off. Nor do we need a countdown to kick off, the referee's whistle is sufficient. And goal line technology?!? Pfft, how many more times do I have to say it, Penalty or Goal, it worked when I was a kid.

So that's it, 31 games, 76 goals, 3 penalties, 3 red cars, 2 penalty shootouts and another drab performance from England and we're back where we began, Spain are still the champions of Europe. On to the David Beckhamless Olympic football tournament (Oh, the outrage! *rolls eyes*), which I will be attending. But before that I've got 10 days in Ibiza so don't expect to hear much from me at least until the 18th or so...

Check out these.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xrzg3a_itv-euro-2012-tournament-closing-montage_sport
http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/18668987

The European World Cup Semi Finalists

We've got three games left of the 2012 European World Cup. It's been a very entertaining tournament, I've thoroughly enjoyed it. Quite frankly I have no idea what I'm going to do with my Evenings for another two years (and I'm scared by the prospect of emptiness).

Here's a brief, and very alternative, guide to the remaining four teams vying for European World Glory.

Portugal

International Footballing Pedigree
The Portuguese have never won anything at senior level in international football. The had a decent World Cup in 1966 and managed to finish 3rd and in more recent times came 4th in the 2006 World Cup in Germany. Portugal have a slightly better record in the European World Cup reaching the Semi Finals in 1984 and 2000 and the Final on home soil in 2004. Can they deliver this year.

"Nope! I'm not sure who Martin Keown is either?"

Legends
Has to be Eusebio and Luis Figo, both of who were pictured sitting together at their Quarter Final win over the Czech Republic. Apparently Martin Keown didn't know who Eusebio was, shame on you Martin, to be fair though, he probably doesn't know who you are...

Stereotype
The Portuguese always have very talented midfielders, most of which are wingers. Portuguese forwards are mediocre at best.

Worst Player
Helder Postiga? I'm going to plump for him. Postiga, once of Sp*rs, has only ever done one thing of note in his career as far as I'm concerned and that is score against England in the 2004 European World Cup Quarter Final.

Chances
According to everyone else they have a good chance off of the back that Ronaldo plays for them. Personally I can't see them getting past Spain.

Spain

International Footballing Pedigree
Barring the 1964 European World Cup Spain were absolute dog poo at international level, that was up until 2008 when something clicked. The Spanish have now gone from that team you liked watching but knew would never amount to anything (a bit like Argentina) to an all conquering winning (and passing) machine. It's testament to their ability that I'm starting to dislike them, I don't like winners.

Check out those boots

Legends
For me it would have to be Raul and Andoni Zubizarreta but then these guys never really amounted to anything at international level (much like the sides they played in). Another notable mention, but a man who is some way off of legendary status, is Alfonso. Alfonso was never an amazing player for me but he was the first person to consistently wear white boots. Well that's what I remember anyway, and he was the most expensive player on Championship Manager 97/98, £18m?? You're paying for the boots!

Stereotype
The Spanish never score an ugly goal and every one of their players would walk into any other nations team and pick it for the manager too. They pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass and then pass some more.

Worst Player
Victor Valdez, I mean he's alright but he does make the occasional mistake, and he'll never ever get to play for the national team consistently, what with Casillas & Reina and the likes of De Gea and Asenjo who will play for La Furia Roja (check me and my Spanish out).

Chances
They'll probably end up winning the thing and become the first team to successfully defend the European World Cup. That will displease me!

Germany

International Footballing Pedigree

Need I even write this? The daddies of international football, well in Europe anyway. For those of you living under a rock European World champions in 1972, 1980 and 1996, World Champions 1954, 1974 and 1990. The Germans have had their worst period in international football, in terms of success in the last 16 years and they still managed a World Cup Final, European World Cup final and the 3rd place playoff at the last two World Cups. In short, they don't mess about.

Even the tracksuit top is a bit questionable. Are there no mirrors at the German FA?

Legends

Franz Beckenbauer, pioneer of the Sweeper position. Gerd Muller, prolific goal machine. Paul Brietner, Karl-Heinz Rumenigge, Jurgen Klinsman, Rudi Voller, Lothar Matthaus... the list goes on. All I can say is that for all their great players they could never find a good hair stylist. What is with the tashes and mullets guys?

Stereotype
The Germans always win, especially if it's a penalty shootout. If their style of play could be summed up in one word it would be efficient.

Worst Player
I'm gonna say Jerome Boateng. I mean he's not a bad player he just has lapses in concentration when he plays at fullback. Their Centre-halves can be questionable at times too.

Chances
I've been backing them for the last two and a half years to win this thing, then I lost my nerve and put my money on France (seen as I never get these things right). If Spain don't win it Germany will.

Italy

International Footballing Pedigree

But for Germany, they'd be the most successful European side in international football. World Cup winners in 1934, 1938, 1982 and 2006 and a European World Cup in 1968. They're pretty handy at this tournament lark.

Happy Birthday!!

Legends

Like the Germans there are so many Giuseppe Meazza, Luigi Riva, Dino Zoff, Paolo Maldini... the list goes on. It's Paolo Maldini birthday today, so I'm going to put up a picture of him.

Stereotype

The Italians are defensive, and they're cheats and they love an illegal bet. Don't watch any of their games as they'll be absolute snooze-fests.

Worst Player

Mario Balotelli for me, I get that he has talent and her can do amazing things, but I'd play Di Natale given the chance. Personally I think he wouldn't have started so many games had Giuseppe Rossi been fit or Giampaolo Pazzini not been shocking this season. He does have a great song though.

Chances

Despite having the worst preparation to the tournament the Italians find themselves in the Semis off the back of the most one sided 0-0 I've seen for a while. The last two times they've been embroiled in betting/match fixing scandals in the run up to major tournaments they've won them (1982 & 2006). Who knows what they'll do...

Right, that's the four Semi Finalists, I'm off to bed. Enjoy the games, let's hope these last three can live up to the high standards set so far in the competition.

England definitely aren't playing now, the Post Mortem **Warning, this isn't remotely funny**

De Rossi the bearded wonder tried his best to break the 0-0

I'm not sure how funny today's post is going to be, if I'm being honest I'm not that fussed that England are out of the European World Cup, at no stage did I think that they had any chance of winning the thing. First things first, you know what I'm annoyed about, the fact that England forced the first 0-0 draw of what has been one of the best major international football tournaments I've watched in years. Here's one for all you Statos out there, if this tournament doesn't have any more 0-0's it will set a new record in the current formant of the European World Cup (16 teams) for having the least 0-0 draws.

Euro 96 - 3
Euro 2000 - 3
Euro 2004 - 3
Euro 2008 - 2

If that doesn't stop you getting a girlfriend nothing will (it didn't stop me, somehow??). It has been a great tournament and I just knew England would be the team to ruin it for everyone, they basically limply clung on for a draw for the last hour or so in the Quarter Final versus Italy, not good enough from an entertainment perspective. If I'm being honest I'm actually being harsh on England, but for the lack of goals the game was actually quite entertaining, how much of a say England had in how entertaining it was is debatable.

On to England's performance itself, I'm not going to write this rant out again, I've already emailed it today so I'm just going to do a copy and paste job. Apologies to @el_hugh_lmc who has already heard this, you'll have to just read it again. Just to give this some context, he felt we got more than we deserved and could have easily lost by 2 or 3, I agree saying:

I thought we offered more against France (is that because they themselves were pretty abject?) but can see where you’d draw similarities. Gerrard was Gerrard in my opinion, good/consistent when it comes to doing the footballing basics but no talisman when it comes to playing against a decent midfield. Even if you take the penalty out of it Ashley Young was awful (as was Milner but he always is)! I forgot he was (they were) on the pitch, he spent 120 minutes being Abate’s b*tch and playing double left back with Ashley Cole. And I remember the same against Ukraine, they just weren’t clinical enough to punish us!

I think we’ll never change because, keeping the ball is viewed negatively. People boo and moan at football matches when players pass backwards (well they do at West Ham, "The Academy of Football"). Regardless of what anyone, correctly, says about what we need to do at grass roots level we’ll always play the same way because nobody has the patience to persist with the possession game. We want instant results, which means charging forward regardless of your opponent, which works if they either adopt the same tactic or aren’t composed enough to deal with you, will always be the English way.

You could argue that my opinion is a tired and lazy regurgitated one, but unfortunately it's the truth. What shocks me even more (actually it doesn't, it happens every time we play in a major tournament) is the number of people who managed to kid themselves we'd do well. Saying that everybody's been really low key with the hype this year then going on about how well we'd done in the group stage isn't playing us down. The facts are, we clung on to a draw in the second half against a French team that never got out of second gear (urgh, what a clichéd phrase) and then proceeded to scrape past two average sides in the form of Ukraine (I'm still tempted to add "The" before) and Sweden, both of whom failed to qualify for the last World Cup. Both sides did enough to get at least a draw against us, if not win those games and what was the response? This. I genuinely wonder what planet some people are on? Do they realise that football exists outside of Ford Super Sunday and Barcelona/Real Madrid games in the Champions League? I know I'm being really harsh but how can we expect to improve if we can't even acknowledge that there is much better than us out there. God save English football!

Pirlo ran circles round Scott Parker

The positive from last night was the performance of one Andrea Pirlo, the man oozed class from kick off right up until he Panenka'd Joe Hart in the shoot out (apologies for the naff Tina Turner backing music). Meanwhile Ashley Young lived up to my expectations by whipping his penalty against the bar, the man whips EVERYTHING, I reckon he's even into bondage and his favourite dessert is probably whipped cream. Back to Pirlo, he ran the show and basically did what I'd like to see and England midfielder do one day, it's never going to happen though is it. Pirlo even Scott Parker'd Scott Parker and done him with one of those little circles that he does where he doesn't actually go anywhere but manages to get out of a tight spot with the ball (I can't find a video of it, look out for it the next time you see Parker play).

Ashley Young never comes out with the boys, word on the street is that he's whipped

Anyway, on to the Semis and hopefully no further 0-0's. Come on Germany, I need more points in the work prediction competition. As for England, they aren't even playing until the next World Cup (if they qualify), I reckon they'll win it, this is our Golden Generation...

Apologies for the lack of humour, I didn't feel it was warranted today.

France! Oh France!

Mon Deu! Or what ever the phrase is, the French are out! There goes my £5. Last time I listen to the Mrs for football betting tips. This post shall be a brief one as I'm tired and now £5 lighter in the wallet and therefore in no mood to waxy lyrically about today's footballing proceedings.

Watch out Row Z! Here come's Travis' tip for the Golden Boot

In short Spain went for the 4-6-0 formation again, France had periods where managed to wrestle possession from the Spaniards but showed about as much cutting edge as those scissors they give you at primary school. Although we still haven't had a 0-0 this game was not a classic (unlike last night's game); just to top things off for me, gambling wise, Benzema managed to finish the tournament with zero goals and put in a pretty damp performance up front. I had Monsieur Benzema each way to finish as the tournament's leading scorer so obviously he did nothing, £10 down the drain. I shall never forgive the French!

I might as well have put my money on Gekas, or was it Salpingidis? I dunno, whichever of those little bearded fellas up front for Greece that scored again last night. And no I don't mean Samaras ...I MEAN COME ON BENZEMA!! Even Samaras has scored! He got like 4 all season in the SPL, I could get 4 in a season playing in the SPL and I play in goal!

Anyway here's 10 things I learnt from the past week in the European World Cup.

Germany are awesome
They played their B attack last night and still took Greece apart. I know it was Greece and it finished 4-2 (very flattering) but that game was an absolute mauling and the Germans gave a fine display of how attacking football should be played.

Roy Keane is an angry man
I know I mentioned this before, but he makes me laugh. He's so aggressive, I get the impression that he's one sarky Adrian Childs comment away from totally kicking off and going back home to walk his dog.

He doesn't even look that happy here

Ireland are terrible
Played 3, Lost 3, Conceded 9 and scored 1. Zero points. Thanks for coming boys, shut the door on your way out, we don't want a draft coming in.

France couldn't give a toss if they were knocked out
See above and their performance against Sweden. Arrrrgh, I'm not letting this go! You've cost me Dix pounds!!

It doesn't matter about goal line technology if the dodgy decision goes in your favour
"We were robbed against the Germans". "They had an official on the line". "The move started from an offside position so it doesn't matter". I've said it a million times, there's a simple solution. Penalty or Goal, just like at school, that would sort out any debate.

No matter how badly England play, everybody over here will talk them up, provided they aren't knocked out
Two unconvincing wins against two not very good sides and I'm seeing stories of Joe Hart saying "we can win it". Oh god!

Portugal are actually quite decent
I said they'd be rubbish and that Ronaldo wouldn't score, so obviously they've come to life and proved that I know nothing about predicting football results. Nice!

There are times when Jamie Carragher gets so excited on ITV that he gobs over the other pundits
Calm down Jamie. I agree, the French did need to up it in the second half, but I think you're starting to grate on Roy...

Joachim Lowe's fashion sense is still impeccable

Check out the fitted shirt

I am going to miss the football when it's all over
I was si lost on Wednesday I started watching the English equivalent to the IPL to fill the void. It was so drab I can't even remember who was playing.

England v Italy tomorrow for a place in the Semi Finals. Remember ref, anything goes providing it favours England...

From daily to weekly. Apologies

It would appear that I bit off way more than I could chew in saying I'd update this blog every day during the European World Cup. OK so I lied, it's not like I went a week without updating it...

Anybody that's paying attention, or that cares, will notice that that last statement is also a lie, it has been a week since I last put finger to button in anger on here. But now I'm back! And what a week it has been!

In summary...

Captain Cavemaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

England were almost single handedly beaten by a caveman. When the hell did Olaf Mellburg score goals? And when he does when does he get a brace, that would have been one hell of a bet!

In Group A Greece managed to do a "Greece Euro 2004" and sneak through at the expense of the Russians, despite the Russians clearly being the best side in the group and finishing with a much better record in the tournament than the Greeks?!?! What the hell is up with this head to head rubbish that UEFA are doing? Nobody knows what is going on. Were Spain and Croatia going to draw 2-2? Were Italy going out even if they won 10-0? Were Spain going to go through? The Italian players had no idea what they needed to do to throw the Ireland game, so they just beat them and went through to the next round. I'm joking by the way I don't buy into all that "Italians are cheats nonsense". They're no more cheats than anyone else. To be fair there is one thing I find more confusing than the logic behind "Head to Head" and that is, who is who out of Gekas and Salpingidis? I thought Gekas had scored twice but it turns out it was Salpingidis that got their goal in the Poland game. Gekas could end up with the Golden Boot at this rate...

These are two different guys I swear!

Another thing that I noticed in Group A were two hilarious names in the Czech Republic team. I'm not sure if I'm the only one who giggles every time the commentators talk of Gebre Selassie (the Czech right back) and how he's full of running... I'm not surprised he's full of running, you should have seen him in the 10,000 Metres in Atlanta!!

Watch out for him on the Czech right flank

And on top of that they've also got a guy in the side called "You're a Czech" (spelt Jiracek). It's almost as if he had an identity crisis and wasn't sure who he should represent at international level, so somebody had to remind him in his name. Thank god for him he's not from The Central African Republic. "You're a Central African Republican", would that fit on the back of a shirt?


In Group B the Dutch are out! I have nothing funny to say about that, they've ruined my chances in work's prediction competition, I had them as runners up! There's talk of dissent in the camp, in traditional Dutch style. Holland if you're gonna go all late 1990's on us you might as well get the De Boer brothers back, who can I say, are so inseparable they've got a joint Twitter account. Give it up guys! Those Ajax days are over, you're going to have to go your separate ways at some point in your lives.

England are through, and once again I'm left thinking, "Am I the only one who can see the cracks?" As mentioned before we let the Swedish caveman score twice, and we didn't look all that convincing in our victory over Ukraine (I've been told I'm not supposed to say "The Ukraine"). Our goal came from a piece of goalkeeping so dodgy that even Shay Given, Petr Cech and myself were shaking our heads while we watched it on TV. You know for the fact that the Sun will have some sort of "Woy" Hodgson pun tomorrow and will have proclaimed us the new all conquering Kings of the European World Cup!

So it's on to the quarter finals and the only thing I have left to say is, how defensive/aggressive is Roy Keane? Wow! All he ever seems to say is "Listen!" We're all listening Roy (apologies to those of you who follow me on Twitter, you'll have heard that one already)! If you think I'm exaggerating watch this. Make sure you listen!

Oh and Zlatan scored AGAIN!

European World Cup Day 4 England were playing (for once) but the weather wasn't playing ball

Let's not all get carried away (I know this will fall upon deaf ears) England did pretty well yesterday against France. This was the same France side that I have stuck money on to win the whole competition and that are 20+ games unbeaten. Well done England! Problem is, despite saying that nobody expects anything from England this year (rightly so), I still see in the media adverts where Terry Venables talks of us being "contenders" and Alan Shearer saying how we have an outside chance. I will reserve further, potentially scathing comments, til the end of the group stage, so far so good. I watched the game yesterday in a pub that I always try and watch England games in, with some old (and new) friends. Normally we've been very lucky when we go there to watch England in major international tournaments, in the fact that the weather is scorchingly hot and we can enjoy the big beer garden they have which is accompanied with a TV and BBQ. Yesterday things were different, much like Roy's England team, it was the most miserable June day ever, meaning we had to swap the big screen and BBQ in the sun for a couch inside. This did however give us a chance to earwig to chavs having a domestic in the pub at about 3pm (as you do), apparently the man whose voice bore a resemblance to that of Ozzy Osbourne had been sleeping around with Ladies of the night, much to the obvious disgust of his female partner, who also spoke in a manner similar to Mr Osbourne (nice lady). This incident aside the whole day, although enjoyable, was a little disappointing due to the weather, about as disappointing as seeing Jordan Henderson come on for the last few minutes of the game (some people in the pub booed).

Not bad for a flop

The second game of the day, and last of the first round of matches, involved co-hosts Ukraine. I didn't hold much hope for them doing anything in this tournament, which means they won of course, they and Sweden capped a first round of matches that I have found thoroughly entertaining from throughout. Zlatan scored again to put the Swedes ahead, although it counted for nothing in the end as Chelsea "flop"/General Legend anywhere else, Andriy Shevchenko scored twice to win the game for the host nation. Another good game and the big debate that came out of it was, although the consensus amongst my friends (not all friends, just schooled ones) is that Ibrahimovic is a good player, would you buy him if you were building a team? I'm 50/50 on the whole thing.

Day 4 Summary

In Roy (with an 'R') we trust, to an extent...

Hero(s)
There are multiple heroes again, Roy Hodgson needs to be given credit for the way England played. They didn't just resort to kick and rush (although they were fairly direct) and troubled France throughout the first half. Well done England! Andriy Shevchenko is the other hero, I gave his country little hope of registering a win this tournament and most certainly didn't think he'd be among the goals. He scored two very good headers and showed very good strikers instinct.

The familiar sight of Zlatan celebrating a goal, would he add value to your team though?

Villain(s)
Anyone who talks about 1966 or mentions England winning this years European World Cup, calm down it was a decent performance but there is a lot of room for improvement. Zlatan-bashers are also villains, how many more times does he have to do it for you to believe in him?? Oh and Ozzy Osbourne (the male one) from down the pub, why would you cheat on your lovely, fellow Ozzy Osbourne sounding, Mrs with a prostitute?!? Shame on you!

It's been a goalfest, especially with regards to headers

Bet of the day
All four teams to score. I'm telling you all now, if this tournament carries on in the same manner that will be a very good bet. It's happened every day except Day 3!

The European World Cup Day 3, 4-6-0??

Goooal!! Italy's Prolific Pensioner opens the scoring

The biggest talking point for everybody yesterday was of Spain's decision to start their opening European World Cup game against Italy with no strikers. Some said it was cocky, others said it was disrespectful to Italy, personally I think it was foolhardy. As much as Spain do pass the ball well, and do have SO MUCH midfield talent at their disposal, and did score while they were playing the now infamous 4-6-0, that will never work in my opinion. One of the things that a lot of people seem to be losing sight of is the fact that throughout these last 4 years of their international dominance in addition to having the greatest midfield in the galaxy in the history of mankind (well that's what everybody's saying right), they've had a prolific goalscorer in the form of David Villa, who they're currently missing. This was one of the reasons why I felt they would not successfully defend their crown this year. At the end of the day it doesn't matter how much pretty "Tika-Taka" (you have to do a shot) you play, you need someone, even if it's just one person, to be the focal point of your attack.

Anyway, that kind of talk is far too technical for my likening, on to those magnificent beasts, the Italians. I'm a big fan of Italian football, and as a result it mean's I'm privileged enough to watch, and more importantly understand it. A lot of people in England just don't get it, they call Italian football negative and defensive (that's another shot), which is pretty much as tired and old as stereotypes get. For example did you know that in 2006 , when they won the World Cup (not the European one, how long am I gonna keep this up), Italy took more strikers to the tournament than any of the other big contenders (The took five: Totti, Del Piero aka God, Iaquinta, Gilardino (shouldn't he be Brazillian?) and Luca Toni ) and every one of them played and scored. Not very defensive is it! Yesterday we were treated to a show in terms of Italian football as they tactically out thought the Spanish and showed that they weren't impregnable. I totally get that if Fernando Torres couldn hit a barn door Spain may have still won the match, but I think anyone who saw the game will agree Italy looked very good especially when on the ball. England could learn a thing or two from the Italians who at times just had to watch the Spaniards pass it around for what seemed like an eternity but then when they were in possession refused to be rushed and were very incisive in their passing. I'm doing it again, I'm going all technical aren't I? Apologies to those who read this and aren't massive football fans (I know that sounds like a crazy concept, but some people read this just because they strangely find me amusing). OK so for you guys the Italians look aesthetically good (see the team photo below), barring Balotelli's ridiculous haircut that is, they're all about designer beards/stubble and Buffon's slicked over Mediterranean hair... now I just sound gay, I'm not gay, I'm just saying they looked the part as well as playing it.

PS can you even write brackets within brackets?? See Gilardino above.

Makes you wanna grow a beard doesn't it...

One team who most certainly don't look the part is Ireland, unfortunately. I had my doubts as to whether they'd be able to hold their own against the elite of the European World and they struggled yesterday. A goal down after 2 minutes, then conceding trying to play offside when they themselves had knocked the ball through then conceding 2 minutes into the second half, tells me one thing, they'll be all but home this time next week. Because it doesn't get any easier for them, they'll be playing both Italy and Spain... And who the hell is Simon Cox? I mean I'm not pro-footballer so he's already got one up on me but when I saw Aiden McGeedy trotting off to make way for a sub that was hopefully going to get the Irish back in the game I did not expect Cox to be his replacement. No disrespect to Cox, but it's rare that I'll watch a nation like Ireland at a major international tournament and shout, "Who?!?" at the TV when one of their players names flash up.  Then again that is probably testament to the job that Trapattoni has done for them.

Day 3 Summary

Look at that beard, the shaven faced Iniesta can't keep up

Hero(s)
There were two heros yesterday. Caesar Preandelli, the Italian manager, for switching to a "risky" 3-5-2 and using De Rossi as a sweeper to nullify the ridiculously beefed up Spanish midfield. And Daniele De Rossi for being an absolute beast at sweeper (sweeper?!? when was the last time you saw one of those?) and sporting a very rugged and stylish beard.

See!! No alcohol!

Villain(s)
There were three villains yesterday. Vicente Del Bosque for believing he could actually start without striker (bet he doesn't do that again); Fernando Torres, wow just when you thought things couldn't get worse for the guy, first they decide having no striker is better than playing Torres (they did score when they had no striker), then when he comes on he proceeds to spurn numerous chances to win the game for Spain and prove he's still a good player (he is still a good player by the way, he was never a prolific goalscorer, except at Liverpool); and ITV (and I suspect BBC too) for turning the Irish fans in the modern day Scottish Fans. Don't patronise them, they're not just here to drink and jig while their team gets pummelled game after game. That's the impression I got from ITV, they did the classic, "Let's talk to some fans who are just happy to be here! They'll party whatever the result..." and did an interview with three, pint in hand, Irish blokes before the game. I wouldn't be surprised if they bought them the pints as props.

Day 4 today and I'm off to watch England...

Day 2 of the European World Cup and 10 things to look out for

Another decent day of football in my opinion, the Danes "shocked" the Dutch beating them 1-0. I say "shocked" because it wasn't that much of a shock. They're ranked 9th in the world (I think), qualified top of their group, which contained Portugal and held The Netherlands to a 1-1 draw in the last World Cup (although it wasn't a European World Cup, just a regular one), the same World Cup that the Dutch got to the final in. The second game was a lot closer than I thought it would be, I really don't rate Portugal, to the point that I think it's ludicrous that anyone would suggest Ronaldo will have a good tournament. I don't get why people can't see that although he is arguably the best player in the World (definitely in the European World) he needs a good team around him to do well, which he has in Real Madrid, but doesn't with Portugal. The Portuguese did hit the bar twice in the game, one of those being an off the bar and down onto the line incendent, which luckily was conclusive, else all we'd be hearing "bla bla bla goal line technology"; but on the face of it I think the Germans did enough to deserve the win, for a start they had more chances.

A Summary of Day 2

Close your legs!!

Hero
Michael Krohn-Dehli. Scored a very good goal against the Dutch and "nutzed" the keeper, I always keep my legs closed in those situations, Steklenburg needs to take tips from me (or Rob Green who I learnt the technique from), in fact I thought the three up top for Denmark were quality, they all looked really sharp, even Bendtner.

Not his best day...

Villain

Robin Van Persie (closely followed by Ibrahim Afellay and Arjen Robben). The three up top for The Netherlands were the opposite of the Danish front line. Although they moved around well and got a lot of the ball, they often held on to it for too long and wasted a number of very good chances. Van Persie in particular was terrible, I'm not sure why they opted to start with him in the middle when they had Huntelaar on the bench. Huntelaar was the top scorer in qualifying, had a very good season with Schalke AND has a name that makes him sound like he'll be a predator in front of goal, Huntelaar, THE CLUE IS IN THE NAME (I'm aware he squandered a few chances too)!

How many different angles do you reckon I can find pictures of Gomez's goal from?

Bet of the day

Has to be Mario Gomez, first goalscorer, if only I'd placed it. I instead went for an accumulator with Sharapova to win the tennis, The Netherlands and Germany, despite the fact that I thought, correctly, that the Dutch one might be dodgy. I'm just not very good at this gambling lark.

In addition to my Day 2 summary, here's 10 things to look out for at Euro 2012.

The opening credits

I've seen BBC's this year and they're pretty naff, yet to see ITV's. The Opening Credits are normally where ITV actually shine, if only they invested as much time in their choice of commentators and pundits...

Here are some of my favourite Opening Credits (why not eh...)

ITV France 98

BBC Euro 2004 (I just like the song)

ITV South Africa 2010 (I have too much time on my hands don't I...)

Clarence Seedorf

Excellent choice by the BBC to get him in as a pundit. He'll provide some insight amongst all the dated clichés and stereotypes that Hansen and co will come up with.

Updates from the England camp

This really grinds my gears, when I watch Italy v Spain at half time I want detailed analysis of what I've just watched from the 1st half not a running report on the mundane goings on within the England camp in the last few days. The tournament isn't just about England, they're not even playing (see what I did there)!! I really couldn't care less as to what Walcott just had for dinner, he probably lost control of the fork and spilt it all down himself anyway.

Stereotypes

If you wanna play a Euro 2012 drinking game I suggest this, do a shot every time somebody on TV:-

Calls the Italians "defensive" or "negative"

Says "Tika-Taka" when Spain are playing

Slates Zlatan Ibrahimovic

Questions a decent players ability as he's never played in England

Mentions a penalty shoot out when Germany are playing

Backs Ronaldo to do well

Zlatan Ibrahimovic getting slated

I like Zlatan. I totally get that he's arrogant and that he comes across as lazy sometimes. But how can you argue that a player who didn't win the league with his club for the first time in 5 years or something like that this season, consistently scores goals (he's been top scorer in every country he's played in) and scored one of the goals of the tournament in the last two European World Cups, isn't all that? Zlatan could single handed win the tournament for Sweden scoring twice in every game and as he went to lift the trophy every pundit over here would be saying, "I just don't get what all the fuss is about?" I'm literally shaking my head as I write this.

Marcel Desailly

All I'm gonna say is "for sure". I love this guy, he's the only pundit worth watching on ITV. I can do a decent impression as well (in my opinion).

Russia

They have a decent side and may not have to play anyone too challenging until the Semi Finals, obviously to agree with that you'd have to disregard all of the positive things that I've said about Denmark above (it's very likely they could face them in the Quarter Finals), see even I'm contradicting myself, this punditry bug is catching.

France

They're my tip to win the whole thing, I've basically backed Germany for the last two and a bit to three years and upon the eve of the tournament my attentions have turned to France. Fickleity of the highest order! I've got money on them and Benzema to do well.

This blog

I'm going to try and update it every day throughout Euro 2012! I know it's going to be difficult, let's see what happens...

And finally, this picture...

Why does the Portuguese keeper have a big circle on his top? Is it in case he forgets where the badge is? [Kiss here]

I said I'd get as many as I could in from different angles.

Italy v Spain this evening, and the début of the Republic of Ireland (aka The Npower Championship All Star team)!