"And a Red card for Ray Wilkins..." 10 Lasting Memories of England World Cup Campaigns

This is kind of where I was planning to go in the next few weeks. I've not done any Ten Things for a while now, and am starting to catch World Cup Fever (promise I'll stop writing text in italics), which is making me want to come here more regularly. I can't think of a better way for a procrastinator like me to do the above, than to bullet ten loosely related subjects.

I was always going to start with England, in spite of the name of the blog. Because sometimes they are playing, sometimes you don't have to justify wanting to stay in and watch the football. Many of those times are during the World Cup.

The key decision for me was the subject I was going to kick off with. Two came to mind 10 Memorable England Goals (so tempted to italic that) or 10 memories in general. The passing of Mr Wilkins last week made the decision for me; he is associated with one of the overriding memories I have of us playing at the World Cup. It's such an indelible event that I think of it despite not actually watching that game because I was so young I wasn't into football.

1. Wilkins' Red card against Morocco

Before I get into this I'd just like to say how sad it is to hear of Ray Wilkins' death. I've never met the guy, and I only really got into football in the twilight of his career. For me he will always be the former QPR player manager, who used to be an Analyst on Football Italia. But from the outpouring tributes it's easy to establish that he was clearly one of life's good guys. I know that when people die it isn't the done thing to point out their flaws, so invariably you hear a lot of nice things about them; but there genuinely seems to be a lot of devastated people who worked with him over the last 30 years and have nothing to say other than than how kind and polite he was. And he kind of gave that impression.

So what happened Ray? Why were we down to 10 men having already lost our captain Bryan Robson to a dislocated shoulder, against the unfancied Moroccans?

Well it would appear that Wilkins, in a fit of petulance, threw the ball at the referee. Obviously that goes against all of the nice things I've just said about Ray, and in his defence it doesn't look like he threw the ball at him intentionally. Wilkins' reaction suggests the same too, he seems both shocked and devastated to see the referee pull out the red card, and is so poignantly downtrodden that the image of him disconsolately trudging off was used by the Sega Megadrive game European Club Soccer as a stock image for when your team had been dumped out of the European Cup. I think that's why I remember the incident so well!

Ray? Is that you? I can't find the original on the internet

2. David Beckham doing a "Ray Wilkins"

This one was definitely intentional, although it could be argued that the reactions from both the referee and the incumbent Atletico Madrid Manager, The King of modern day Catanaccio, Diego Simeone were way over the top. As was the reaction back home the following season, I'm pretty certain effigies were created and either burn or hung! Jesus! Anyway we wouldn't have beaten the Dutch had we gotten passed Argentina. Bergkamp would have scored that ridiculous goal against us.

3. England v Ireland 1990

I'm going to go a bit niche now. Forget all the stuff they show in the BBC clip shows in the run up to the tournament! This is the real sh*t! England versus the Republic of Ireland. England v The Republic of Ireland sums up Italia 90 for me. A dour tournament, full of teams willing to win by any means necessary. The game itself resembled Oldham versus Wimbledon on the Boundary Park plastic pitch. I mean Lineker's goal wow!

The Group that both teams were in, which also contained European Champions Holland along with Egypt, only managed to produce 1 result in 6 games and a total of 5 goals if memory serves me correctly. Although we were treated to the drawing of lots to decide who finished highed out of the Dutch and the Irish, something you don't see every day. The Irish lucked out and got Romania, while Holland went on to face the eventual World Champions Germany. And England? We went on to play Belgium, sneaking through thanks to David Platt's 120th minute volley and avoiding penalties, which we weren't aware that we we sh*t at at the time!

4. Penalty or Goal?!

This has happened to us twice in the World Cup. Twice when playing the Germans in a key Knock Out game. If you're unaware of what I'm referring to it's the old Ball hits the crossbar the quickly bounces down on to/in front of/behind (over) the line.

As I'm in full World Cup mode i.e. I'm watching/reading anything new (and old to be fair) that I can find relating to competitions past, I took the liberty of watching extended highlights of that game in 2010 against the Germans, when Lampards shot did the above and clearly went over the line. Watching it again it's actually scandalous that the goal wasn't given.

The giveaway is the fact that the ball hits the bar twice, which I hadn't noticed in all the commotion at the time. It's just physically impossible for that to happen barring witchcraft or playing FIFA against the Computer on Legendary mode. It defies physics.

The only crumb of comfort that can be taken is that we were terrible anyway, and even if we'd pulled the game back to 2-2, I have no confidence that the Germans wouldn't have run riot anyway. I mean I think Gareth Barry is still trying to catch up with Özil, who has since come over to England and proven that he isn't particularly pacey. How slow is Barry then?!? How did we ever expect to do anything at a World Cup with him playing in the middle?!

The other thing to consider here, which is becoming more apparent to me by the day, is that there's a good chance that the Geoff Hurst shot in 1966 didn't cross the line (Awks). I suppose as they say these things even themselves over the course of 44 years...

In either case they should've reverted to the tried and tested Penalty or Goal rule that served us so well in the playground!

5. Getting booed by your own fans

Same World Cup as the Lampard goal. I promise I'm going to talk about some positive stuff we've done (there's just not much). I actually think that our 2010 performance was actually worse than 2014 despite the fact that we went further. At least in 2014 we were up against Uruguay and Italy (let's gloss over the 0-0 with Costa Rica).

After the draw for 2010 the nations favourite xenophobic scaremonger, The S*n, ran with the famous "EASY" headline. The campaign itself turned out to be anything but. First there was America (Y) and "Oh! And Rob Green's missed it!" I cannot begin to explain how many people messaged me to berate me for Green's error on account of him being the incumbent West Ham number 1. I'm not his representative! I'd have caught that!

Then there was Algeria (A), which sticks with me for two reasons. Firstly the aforementioned Wayne Rooney quote, but secondly and more importantly/comically for the worst attempt at stepovers from an international footballer that I've ever seen.

No wonder the fans were booing!

Things got slightly better the next game, when we scraped past Slovenia with a 1st half header from Jermaine Defoe, but in all the 2010 campaign was a memorable one to forget (if you get my drift).

6. The Best England Side I've seen at a World Cup

I watched Italia 90, and have watched most of our games again since, we were not at our best! Obviously as a 9 year old I got caught up in all the excitement and thought it was on.

In 2002, on the other hand, we were very good. Comparatively speaking that is. I suppose the foundations were set at France 98, where we put in a semi credible performance. Tunisia were swept aside in the Marseille sunshine, and that young kid Scholes scored a "Worldie"; I'm not sure why I used that phrase, I never say "Worldie" it's the sort of thing I'd expect to hear from a self professed "Lad" who uses the phrase "Banter" way too much for my liking and takes what Jamie Redknapp says about the strength of the Premier League to be gospel. That is not me!

Anyway, like I was saying at France 98 the signs where there. We dispatched of an average Colombian side and held our own against an Argentina side containing Gabriel Batistuta in his prime and Ariel Ortega, The New Maradona.

So Korea/Japan rolls around and we're even better. We top a Group of Death containing the same Argentina side, although Batigol is now on the decline and I think there's a new New Maradona (gonna Google search who... it was either Ortega or Gallardo). Then we put Denmark to the sword, in what has to be the best and most convincing knock out victory we've had at a World Cup since I started watching in 1990. Actually scrap that I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's our best in the World Cup! Including when we won the thing! The only game I can think of as a comparison is Paraguay in 1986 when Lineker and Beardsley finally came good. I mean,  Heskey scored! Heskey! Stepovers against Algeria aka the New Denilson, Heskey scored!

And then came Braaaaaasiw. Now let's clear things up here, this was a very good good (maybe not as good as in France 98) Braaaaaasiw. With the "Three R's" in attack. And Ashley Cole is made to look silly for the equaliser (Heskey had been teaching Ronaldinho his tricks). But we took the lead,  and for a good 15-20 minutes after Owen's early goal  I thought we were going to beat them.

Alas it was not meant to be, and we'd have probably choked against the Germans in the Final or messed up the seemingly straightforward Semi against Turkey...

7. 1966

I wasn't about in 66. My mum was 8 at the time. But invariably I've seen loads of the tournament. Especially the bits featuring England. We look like we were decent. But then if you cast your eye wider than the Three Lions who else were good? Italy were  shamed against North Korea, despite dominating European club football at the time and winning the European World Cup two years later. Brazil were muscled out of the tournament like some sort of post 2004 Arsenal at the Reebok Stadium. Russia (or should I say the USSR) were good, as were Germany.

But we had the edge. By edge I mean refereeing decisions akin to the one we saw last night at the Bernabeu. Forget the penalty or goal shout in the final. I'll never get over reading about how the German referee sent the Argentine captain Ratin off "For the look in his eye" despite not being able to speak the same language as him or any other players from the Argentina team. Imagine the Twitter storm now! Imagine how many cards Anthony Martial would get with that sort of officiating. Or 90s Wimbledon forward Andy Clarke, the look in his was always a sinister one...

These two would be screwed with that ref

8. 1970

I always hear how the 1970 England side was even better than the one in 66. Obviously I have no idea as the tournament occurred 10 years before I was born (my mum was now 12 in case you're wondering and aren't very good at maths). But from the perspective of memorable moments alone 1970 trumps the tournament held 4 years earlier.

First you've got all of the off the field pre-tournament goings on. Alf Ramsey managed to offend the locals giving it his best "You can't drink the water here and I'm not eating any of that foreign muck..." Alf Garnett impression. Then skipper Bobby Moore gets arrested under suspicion of stealing a bracelet. And then you've got one of the players getting into trouble for being drunk and disorderly on a plane (was it Jeff Astle?) Great preparation for a title defence...  (that's another Blog post)

On the pitch there were also some memorable moments; some good, some not so good. You got that tackle by Moore (thanks Skinner & Baddiel) and that save by Gordon Banks. Then there are the Astle misses, was he drunk? And the capitulation in the sun while 2-0 up against the Germans in the quarter finals. The Beckenbauer header always sticks in my head.

In all 1970 was a World Cup that produced a lot of memorable moments and talking points involving many of the teams involved, and we did more than our best to bring something to the party.

9. Losing to the Americans in 1950

If my knowledge of 1966 and 70 is limited due to the fact that they were a long time ago forget about 1950.  "How old was your mum Travis?" I hear you ask, guys this blog isn't about my mum's age in comparison to notable world events! ...she was minus 8 (my nan was 19, so this was effectively her Euro 2000 in my eyes).

Anyway, I do know a little bit about what happened in 1950, mainly because it's one of the most fascinating tournaments to me. Because of the way it was structured and how it ended. 1950 is also the first time that the Home Nations entered the competition, and that came with it's own drama.

First you had Scotland forfeiting their place at the tournament as they only thought it was worth going if they finished top of their qualifying group (the Home Nations Championship) despite 2nd place in the competition earning a spot in Braaaaaasiw too.

Then you had England. We'd decided to enter, come top in the qualifying and were ready to show the World how it was done. First up an American side made up of amateurs, some of whom weren't even American. We all know what happened next right. We run out 10-1 winners and the times forgets to print the 1 before the 0...

10. "Did he just wink?"

"Remember when we used to get to Quarter Finals?" That's what everyone always says. I suppose it's true, although for a long time the quarter finals were essentially getting out of your first round group. And we missed a few of those competitions, either through arrogance (1930-38) or through underestimating Poland (74), basically more arrogance and being drawn with Italy and the European Champions Czechoslovakia* (78).

As I was saying anyway, Quarter Finals. That quote is from a Quarter Final, the infamous clash with Portugal in 2006. That whole tournament sticks out for me. Yet again we were terrible, bumbling past Paraguay and Trinidad then drawing with Sweden. And there was Owen twisting his knee, I'm not finding a clip of that, it grims me out.

The best part of that tournament was boozing with my mates from Harrow, which has become a bit of a tradition now. One of the best days out I've had featured Peter Crouch pulling on Brent Sancho's dreadlocks for leverage to head home and seal the win. England moved on from the group stage to scrape past Ecuador courtesy of a David Beckham free kick, which then set up a Quarter Final showdown with Portugal.

After spending the best part of an hour growing increasingly frustrated at the ball being aimlessly banged up to him, while on his own in the Portugal half, Wayne Rooney stamped on Ricardo Carvalho in a moment of petulance. The whole thing seems a bit harsh with hindsight, or maybe he's just a rubbish stamper. Then came the moment that incensed Alan Shearer. Cristiano Ronaldo appeared to wink towards the Portuguese bench as his Manchester United colleague trudged off dejectedly. Shearer, unable to hide his rage, picked up on this in the post-match analysis and classily hinted that Rooney should seek retribution when they both returned to United in the new season. Nice!

Hopefully this year we can produce more of the 1966, 1998 & 2002 moments and less of the 1990, 2010 & 2014. Either way, the key thing to note is my Mum is now 60 and my Nan 87...

Ciao!

*Can you believe my phone doesn't predict "Czechoslovakia" am I that old? I remember when Czechoslovakia was a place, it's not like I'm talking about Siam or Prussia

It's back!

The football's back, I think I'm finally over the World Cup, actually it's probably best we don't talk about the World Cup (you know, it's a bit of a faux pas to talk about your ex on a first date). The football season started last week for me with Reims v PSG in Ligue 1 on Friday, involved a bit of Ajax v Vitesse on Sunday and finally finished with the 2nd half of the Charity Community Shield (I missed the 1st half because I'd totally forgotten it was on). And now this week I'm off to The Boleyn for our first game of the season against Sp*rs, and I'm petrified. I just can't see how we'll get anything out of the game, not after beating them 3 times last year, and then there's all these West Ham fans I keep seeing online, "giving it" like it will be a walkover for us. I'm ashamed to admit it, but they're acting like Sp*rs fans. Touch wood we'll at least get a draw tomorrow and then I don't have to watch that game for another season (I really don't enjoy Sp*rs at home).

Everywhere I look there are previews of the season to come so I thought I'd do my own. Here's 10 things that you may (or may not) see this season.

Manchester United will be good again
I actually found it a bit uncomfortable with them being so bad last year. Especially when all the Liverpool lovers were lording it up. I expect to see an improvement from last year's showing at Old Trafford, not because I think David Moyes is the terrible manager that the media have made him out to be, or because Louis Van Gaal is the knight in shining armour that is also being painted. But because they can only get better, surely. That squad failed last year because it was terrible, not just because of Cleverly or Fellaini, because Fergie had neglected it for a couple of seasons. So this year what's different? Well they have Mata for a whole season and Ander Herrera from my beloved Athletic Club. Plus a fresh pair of scowling, hardened, taking no sh*t, eyes steering the ship in the form of the aforementioned "LVG". Surely they can't be that bad again this year right? Surely!

Arsenal go through the same cycle
We see it every year, they'll have a period where they play amazingly and people start saying, "Oooh! Are they dark horses for the title?" Sanchez will link up with Oeeeeeeeeeeeeerzil, Ramsey, Wilshere, Rosicky, Podolski,  Carzola, Walcott, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Ger-nab-ry and any other attacking midfielder/not quite a centre forward that they have and they'll look unbeatable. Then they'll have that month, the month that everyone's been saying is coming up, the one that's "a true test of their title credentials". The month where they play Man United, Man City, Chelsea, Liverpool in the cup, Bayern Munich in the Champions League, the Sega Team for Virtua striker and Pele and his crew from Escape to Victory. And they'll lose every one of those key games, which will make all the Sp*rs fans happy (and Facebook will blow up with Arsenal jokes). Then they'll get their sh*t together, put together a decent run and finish 4th. Why don't we just give them 77 points now and say they've finished 4th?

I couldn't find a picture of Micah Richards' bum, and if I'm being honest, felt a little uncomfortable searching for one. Take my word for it, it's huge!

Micah Ricahrds finally gets his chance?
Nah, he'll never get any games for City! Everyone knows Zabaleta has got right back locked down. Maybe he'll finally move on? Maybe this year Richards will do something else, like beat Kim Kardashian (and Hulk) to the title of Rear of the Year? And Jimmy Floyd Hasslebank will look on, wondering what might have been, had he still been in the public spotlight... Weird thought, I know. But Richards isn't getting anywhere near that City team and he does have a big a*se. There's more chance of the rear of the year thing happening!

Kim isn't gonna go down without a fight!

West Ham are average
At best! Is Enner Valencia going to score a ton of goals? Or maybe Mauro Zarate? Doubt it. We'll probably have given up on them come the end of November and it will be good old loyal Carlton Cole up top or even worse, the famed 4-6-0! Fingers crossed something decent will happen.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic's powers will start to decline
He took 7 minutes to open his account last week against Reims. And he ended up with a second by the end of the game. The guy is just phenomenal and he's now 33! Surely there'll be a season soon where he doesn't score 20+ goals. Is this going to be it, or is the French league too weak for the fact that he's the wrong side of 30 to matter at the moment? Watch this space, I think he's got another good season left in him.

Great to see Ashley fitting in already (far left)

Ashley Cole will tear it up in Italy
Another player who is 33 (the same age as me, god I'm old for a footballer) is Cashley. Who has decided to make the bold move of going to Roma. Fair play to him, I reckon there's still a season or two left in him and he could potentially do the business in a side that performed VERY well last year. Will he thrive though? Will the Curva Sud (I think Romanistas have the Curva Sud) be singing his name, like the Curva Nord did 20 odd years ago with a certain Paul Gascoinge? Will he be able to handle the intense Italian media? Will he even learn Italian (from what I've seen in the past he's just about got the hang of English)? I'm saying I think he will! I think Roma might win the league this year, down to their signings and Juventus being Conte-less/Allegri-full, come on Ashley show us that you're still a decent giocatore (that's Italian for "player" that is, you can have that one for free Mr Cole)!

I will watch the Eredivise in it's entirety
I'm not 100% sure this will happen, what with baby commitments and other leagues to watch, but for some reason last week I was a little drawn to that Ajax game. I found myself thinking, "You should watch this league more often.." Maybe I will, maybe I'll learn who the good and not so good players are (I pretty much knew NOBODY in the Ajax side until Daley Blind came off the bench). Let's say I will!

I still won't watch the German league
Screw that! I read an article the other day entitled, "Are you a Football Hipster?" and I can safely say I'm not as one of the main qualifiers was having a love for the Bundesliga. I appreciate that the German league has more goals, bigger attendances and some of the best players in Europe in it, but I just can't get on board. This must be how people who hate Italian football feel about Serie A.

Fernando Torres will start scoring goals again
Yeeeeeeeeeeah right! I'm also calling the Diego Costa signing not turning out the way Chelsea expected right now too. Nice and early!

Atletico Madrid will win back to back titles
We can dream. Barcelona and Madrid's response to not winning the league for the 1st time in like 20 years was to sign the best player from the World Cup just gone (Oh the World Cup! My beloved World Cup, I miss you! *sobs into a some tissues*) and the best player in the Premier League last season. Those guys are hurting! I can remember sweating like I was an Atleti fan last year towards the end of the season as they limped over the line in first place, having run out of steam. What are they going to do this year? Hopefully they'll sign Reus to go with Griezmann and Mandzukic (touch wood Song doesn't see him when they play Barca) and put up another great fight.

So it's back, the highs & lows, the twitter rants at the official West Ham account after an inept performance, watching La Liga, Serie A & Ligue 1 on a laptop while the Mrs watches X-Factor and steering clear of Facebook every time Sp*rs win. Come May some of us will be sick of it (my girlfriend definitely will), by that point I definitely won't be interested in watching games containing teams like Leicester and Palace by then unless West Ham are involved (by the way, Palace definitely screwed with Pulis leaving), but we'll have had another history making 10 months of football. Bring it on!!

The State Of Football: November 2013 - Cocaine, The New Metatarsal

I started writing this blog post a few months ago but never got around to finishing it. I always start typing when the Mrs is watching X-Factor or some other reality show but then end up getting distracted, usually by the Serie A/La Liga/Ligue 1 game that I have one the go on my laptop. Tonight I find myself raging after watching a ridiculously poor performance from West Ham and have decided to take a break from football, and therefore have no distractions, other than X-Factor in the background (which isn't much of a distraction for me).

What I want to talk about are the observations that I've made lately that are things that I feel didn't exist say five years ago and are very much common place in football in the year 2013.

"Cocaine is a hell of a drug"

"Cocaine Injuries"
I spoke about Tomas Rosicky's ongoing injury problems a few blog posts ago and alluded to the fact that I've been told by a few people who have a mate that's in the know (I'm sure you all know someone like this, their best mate is next door neighbours with Nani or their brother's girlfriend's sister is going out with Junior Hoilett *sigh*) that Rosicky was absent from the Arsenal starting lineup not because of a muscle, bone, joint or ligament injury but because of a cocaine addiction. I've since heard that Jack Wilshere and Andy Carroll have both spent time off due to addictions to the white stuff (apparently Andy Carroll is still off as a result); the whole thing makes me think of the spate of metatarsal injuries that we had around 10 years ago. Let's hope we're not all going have to pray and rub our noses around April/May of next year in the hope that Jack can be fit for the World Cup squad.

Swapping shirts at half time
What?!? When did we start doing this? I can understand when people do it in meaningless friendlies between Brazil and Nigeria at Loftus Road; when they're probably going to make 11 substitutions each at half time. I'd want to nab Neymar's shirt. But when you're 3-0 down in a La Liga game at the Bernabeau at  Ronaldo has already dicked all over you don't make his head bigger by running over and being like, "Oh Christiano you're so amazing, can I have your shirt por favour (I know the lingo in La Liga)?" Especially when you've got another 45 minutes of trying to catch him and give him a kicking without he or any of his team mates having enough evidence to wave the imaginary card at the ref. You've got a job to do! I wouldn't go up to my boss at lunchtime and ask if we can swap ties (I probably wouldn't do it at 5pm either though, he'd think I'd lost it)!! Stop it!

4-6-0 and the false nine
Right, I've got loads of ammo for this one as I've just watched us (West Ham) lose to the worst, scrap that they can't be the worst because they're clearly better than us, one of the worst team's in the Premier League. I need to clear things up for misinformed football fans who seem to think we're playing this formation for tactical reasons or out of arrogance after the Sp*rs game. West Ham United have no strikers. We play nobody up front because we have NOBODY to play up front (unless we play one of our youth players). We released a player in the summer because he wasn't good enough in our eyes (Carlton Cole) and then had to beg him to re-sign with us because we have no alternatives (damn you cocaine, you stole Andy Carroll, according to my mate's dad's neighbour who goes to Zumba classes with Andy Carroll's mum)! If I was Carlton Cole I'd have said, "Yeah, you want me back do you Sam? £500k a week!" We'd have probably paid it, what other options do we have? Play 6 midfielders, one of whom does nothing other than walk around arguing with anything that can speak (Nolan), 2 of whom are wingers who want to just cross the ball at any opportunity (to the 0 in the middle of the box) and then bang long balls up to nobody when we run out of ideas? So just to recap, we're not trying to be defensive, clever or arrogant, we're not Spain or Barca, we have no other option!

Beating up Joe Hart
Joe Hart is a great goalkeeper, OK maybe not a great goalkeeper, he's a very good goalkeeper. Can we stop trying to crucify him for every mistake he makes (and goals where her couldn't have done anything better). Maybe it's because I'm a goalkeeper, I can't stand it when people pick on goalkeepers, we can't afford to make mistakes like you outfielders do and most of the time we'll go game after game not putting a foot wrong, but do you remember that? No! People need to start pointing fingers at Nastasic and Javi Garcia and not relishing the fact that City are now playing Pantymillion over our England's true number 1.

Roma
Roma are pretty awesome at the moment. Well I say that but I fear they may have peaked a few weeks ago and aren't as good as they were when Totti and Gervinho were fit. For those of you that don't follow the Italian league (what the hell are you doing with your lives) Roma are basically doing an Arsenal; every week they win and everyone says, "No they can't win the league, it's too early, they haven't played anyone decent yet..." I suppose Inter, Napoli, Tottenham and Liverpool aren't decent then no? For those of you that don't follow Serie A you also need to be made aware that Gervinho has actually been good. I kid you not, not only does he sound like he should be Brazilian, he now looks like it too.

BT Sport and the Sunday Night Football Show
Today I had a little rant on Twitter. I actually had two if you count the swearing that preceded the conclusion West Ham v Norwich game. The first of my rants was with regard to the fact the BT Sport have now bought the rights to the Champions League from 2015 onwards, meaning that there will be no more Champions League on terrestrial TV. I'm not going to go into the rights and wrongs of it all and spout off about the continual movement of football away from the fans in the interests on big corporations who claim that they are doing it all with the aim of providing an amazing service at a great price but are actually just trying to make MORE money.

Anyway this isn't what I wanted to talk about, what I wanted to say, quite positively for BT Sport, is that as much as Michael Owen has got to be one of the most boring sounding Co-Commentators EVER, up there with Mick McCarthy, they have got something right in the form of the Sunday Night Football Show presented by James Richardson. The program is brilliant and provides me with not only an alternative to the X-Factor Results Show but also decent coverage from Italy, France and Germany, a bit of educated football related "banter" (I hate that phrase) and a live game from one of the afore mentioned countries. Give it a watch.

Get one of these on at HT

Real Eagles
I'm  not quite sure when we started doing this? I didn't get the memo. But I've noticed that Crystal Palace, in an aim to look even more like one of those Eastern European teams whose fans you'd never want to bump into after the game, have decided to copy Lazio and get a REAL EAGLE in as their mascot?!? What the hell?!? An Eagle? It's bad enough that they already have "Ultras" and that teams all over England have started bringing those stupid pyro/smoke bomb things to games. It's Wigan v Barnsley, not Locomotive Moscow v Anzi Makachakalaka!! Back on the subject of the Eagle, what next? Are Hull going to bring a real Tiger down? Will Leicester maybe round up some of the local Foxes to go through the opposition team's bins and leave old rotten vegetables strewn across the away changing rooms? What the hell has the footballing world come to?

That isn't debris in the background...

40 Team World Cup
We already have a 24 team European Championship in 2016 and a road show scheduled for 2020 and Platini goes and wades in with this idea of a 40 team World Cup. Now don't get me wrong, I probably love the World Cup more than 99.999999% of people with wives/girlfriends on this planet, so I'd love it to last a bit longer, but at the same time he's not really given it any thought. Firstly if you have groups made up of uneven amounts meaning that in some of the final group games other teams will have already played and will know what result they need in order to go through (see Austria v West Germany 1982). Secondly, I keep saying this over and over and over, there are 9/10 teams that are members of CONMEBOL (the South American equivalent of UEFA) and they can potentially get 5 spaces at a World Cup. Conversely there 46 and 56 members of the AFC and CAF respectively and each of those federations get around 4 spaces each. And then people wonder why Asian and African teams haven't done that well in the past at the World Cup?? Surely we need to redistribute World cup spaces (including ones for UEFA, OFC and CONCACAF), if not in the interests of being fair, let's do it off the back of the randomness that teams from Africa bring to major international tournaments. In fact let's have a World Cup in Africa again soon (that'll p*ss off the racists), I feel like the last one we had wasn't crazy enough, by African Cup of Nations standards, I want to see a World Cup semi final where the grass on the pitch is so bad that they've (freshly) painted it green; and where there are so many flying insects on the field it looks like a story out of the bible. If you think I've gone off on a random tangent (which I slightly have) then check out the pictures from the Semis of the last African Cup of Nations, the above mentioned things actually happened. Anyway, to cut a long story short, leave it alone Platini!

Kaka
Kaka's back!! I'm assuming he still belongs to Jesus, none the less Jesus has let Milan have him for a while. And boy do they need him! For all of you that didn't know that Roma are currently the form team in Italy I have another bombshell for you. Milan are awful. The novelty of playing in Italy again has worn off for Balotelli and he's back to spending most of the games he plays walking around, occasionally diving and smashing penalties in. Robinho isn't doing much better, I kid you not, I can think of THREE instances this season where he's scuffed a ball that has been squared to him and missed an open goal. I mean who does that?? I'd have backed Carlton Cole to score the chances he's missed. As for the rest of the team, as much as I like Andrea Poli, Stephan El Shaarawy (or SES as I keep hearing him reffered to) and Riccardo Montolivo, in general the Milan squad is above average at best; and then there's Kaka. He scored a good goal against Lazio a couple of weeks ago, I've seen him come on and change games and dare I say it, I've even seen the "Kaka glide". The "Kaka glide" being the moment that he picks the ball up just inside the opposition half and gradually accelerates with it at his feet, effortlessly going past scrambling defenders (oooh it makes me feel like I'm 25/26 again), then when he gets to the box he plays a beautiful ball through...

...and Robinho scuffs it wide! Not quite 2007, but nice to see him doing what he does best.

...And finally, Podcasts
Just wanted to mention this because then it makes this a "Ten things". I'm really into football podcasts at the moment my week is pretty much dominated by them. If you take anything from this blog post make it what I'm about to tell you! If you like football and you can see past Match of the Day and the rest of the crap that the BBC and Sky Sports have to offer get involved in the following:-

• The Guardian Football Weekly & Football Weekly Extra (presented by James Richardson of channel 4 Football Italia fame)
• The Game - Times football podcast presented by Gabriele Marcotti (tied with James Richardson as my favourite pundit)
• The Football Ramble - One of the funniest football related things I've ever come across (after this blog obviously)
• Forza Italian Football - A very informative look into the worlds of Serie A & B
• Serie A Live Radio - Serie A from a North American perspective. Full of weird sound clips and Italian commentary (my Italian is getting better every day BTW); I'm not sure if it's intentional but they make me laugh every week, without fail
• Revista De La Liga - I know I slagged off Sky Sports at the top of this section, but this is actually quite good
• French Football Weekly - a decent podcast about the goings on in Ligue 1, all I have to say on it really

And that's it from me, it's all very Winter 2013. I'll try and get another post up soon and who knows, the next time I look at the state of football we might be travelling to games on hover-boards; by that point BT Sport and Sky Sports will be the only channels that show sports (even kids playing in the park) and the subscription fee will just be taken out of our pay packets without our say just like student loan repayments and national insurance. Money grabbing ****s!

Oh and BTW, I haven't said that any of the above mentioned players are on coke so don't sue me! This is just the word on the street...

I'm back (like Thomas Rosicky)

Guess who's back...

I'm so so so so sorry. I have been mega lazy in the last few months and haven't posted since January. As the title of the post says, so is Thomas Rosicky; the difference is Rosicky has, allegedly, been away doing a load of coke with Jack Wilshire (do not sue me Arsenal or Thomas/Jack, this is what I have heard, I'm not saying it is fact). Whereas I have... Erm, what have I been doing? Here's ten things I've been doing instead of blogging:-

Being blocked on Twitter by Richard Keys
It's now been 159 days. What the hell are you playing at Keysey? You and Andy Gray may have once dominated Ford Super Sunday but you have very little clout on the internet. Unblock me so that I can tell you how out of touch you are with the real footballing world!! Cowaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard!

Moving house
Absolutely nothing to do with football. I moved house on the 27th April to about 2 mins down the road from where I was. The only link I can think of to do with football is that on the day I moved I hurried into my new flat in the hope that I'd catch Man City v West Ham, which was on Sky that afternoon. I got to see the game whilst struggling to put together a self assemble sofa that should have taken a few minutes. Wish I'd never bothered...

Struggling to watch god awful games at Upton Park
That leads me on to the next thing I've been doing. As you may know if you've read my blog before, I have a season ticket at West Ham. Now while I am very glad that we comfortably survived our first season back in the top flight (and showed a hell of a lot more backbone than we did in our previous two seasons in the Premiership); I can't lie, I witnessed some of the most mundane football I've seen EVER. Particularly the Wigan and Reading games. We're talking games so bad you start checking Twitter at around 30 minutes and making conversation with the guy, you only know through having a season ticket, who is having a baby in August may I add. Congratulations, guy who's name I don't know (he's only been there 2 seasons)! Games so bad you feel sorry for the poor buggers that have made the long trip all the way down from Wigan, I mean they still use a horse and cart up there right (please don't hate me, people of Wigan, I'm kidding, it's what I do)?!? Long and short of it all, they were bad games.

Full of "pluck"

Shedding a tear for the minnows of Europe's top divisions
I never used to care about cannon fodder. Especially if they were playing West Ham (to be fair I still don't care if we're playing them in a meaningful game), who am I kidding West Ham are cannon fodder, sometimes, so I'd be damned if I wanted other cannon fodder to do well. Can't have them stealing our plaudits for being "plucky". This season I have cared. It started with lowly Pescara. Poor Pescara! Initially it was just that I noted that they had Vladimir Weiss and Ivan Pelizzoli playing for them, then I started playing with them on FIFA 13, now I wan't to go and watch them playing in Serie B at the Adriatico (yeah I know the name of their ground, I'm Italian me)! Shame they're useless eh. I also developed a soft spot for Wigan in the past season, that was born out out liking the fact that they "play good football" and even more so they play with 3 at the back!! I was so glad that they won the FA cup, especially seen as everyone wrote them off before the game even started. It's a shame that Wigan went down, I'll certainly miss their open brand of (sometimes poorly organised) football.

Getting angry at FIFA 13
Earlier this week I tweeted this link to another site as I felt this totally summed up my experience of playing FIFA13 online. Unfortunately, my gripes do not stop there, don't worry I'm not going to launch into a geeky rant regarding the flaws of FIFA13's single player mode. I will say this though, for the sake of my health FIFA14 better not contain defenders that run out of the way intentionally and referees that award random penalties. Sort it out EA Sports, my blood pressure can't take it!

Back to racing on a Thursday night!

Praying Tottenham don't finish in the top four
To me Tottenham are like Dick Dastardly in Wacky Racers. Nobody (other than Tottenham fans) wants them to win; they look like they're finally going to win, then right at the last minute they f*ck it all up, the rest of the field stream past them and the Ant Hill Mob end up winning the race. This season was like no other Dick Dastardly raced into a 7 point lead over Penelope Pitstop in March, cue all of Dick Dastardly's fans bombarding social networking sites with drivel about how Penelope Pitstop hadn't won the Wacky Races Championship in years (even though Dick himself has never been renowned for his race wining ability), was well past her best and how Dick Dastardly's time had now come. Cut to May and Dick Dastardly had chucked it all away again, despite Mutley basically carrying him single handedly through the race (Mutley won him 27 points), leaving Penelope to sneak across the line right at the last minute. God I hate Dick Dastardly! I can't wait for Mutley to go to another cartoon...

Playing 7 a side football on a Thursday
Can professional footballers stop going down to Fairlop Power League on Thursday evenings to play in their 7-a-side league! Now I'm no professional footballer, I'm not even good enough to have a tale of having trials at a well known football club when I was 14, but at the same time I'm no mug when it comes to playing the beautiful game. When we entered the league we were told we were going to be put in the bottom division and our eyes lit up. We'd played 7-a-side before at Fairlop on a Tuesday, had managed to win the 2nd division and even hold our own in the top one, so the bottom division on a Thursday. No problem. Bring on the Cannon Fodder! And it started like this, we won our first few games handsomely. Every week we'd salivate as teams full of beer bellied over 35 year old men assembled at the bar prior to our game, speculating as to which unlucky 7 were going to fall at our hands on this occasion. There was even talk of playing me up front if it got too easy (I'm a goalkeeper for those of you who don't know). Then it all came crashing to a halt. One week we arrived to see a group of lads at least 5 years our junior and a waist size or so smaller. "It's ok, we're in the bottom league. These will be sh*t." we said. And then it began... In the last 3 months we've probably won 2 or 3 games, bear in mind we play EVERY week so we've probably played somewhere between 12 and 15 games. We're now the guys they smile about when we arrive at the bar, we're the beer bellied over 30 year olds! It's not fair! We were the new team playing in a league that we were clearly too strong for. Now they are. I'm going to start emailing some Premiership teams tipping them off that some of their academy/reserve players may be taking part in un-sanctioned physical activity on a Thursday. When I arrive at the bar I'm fed up of hearing, "I don't know much about these lot lads, they're a new team..."


Counting down to the World Cup
I love the World Cup. This time next year I'll be counting the days down until it all kicks off in Brazil. I've kind have already began (382 days).

Counting down to the Confederations Cup
Every summer that isn't a World Cup summer I have to find a substitute. This is the only way I can get over the depression that there isn't a World Cup on (this is the actual truth). The best substitute is the European Championships (or European World Cup to those of you in the know). Failing that we also have Copa Americas and The Confederations Cup. The thing I like about The Confederations Cup is that it is a tiny tiny insight into what the next World Cup is going to be like. For example, anyone who saw the last one would have heard the Vuvuzelas and known that it was going to be a key feature of South Africa 2010. I have no idea what Brazil 2014 will be like, I'm pretty sure Tahiti won't be there but none the less I'm bursting with excitement about this years Confederations Cup. Look out for updates on here, 20 days to go!!

Making plans to start blogging again
I'm not going to lie. I have embarked on an intense program of procrastination. Ideas for stuff to blog about have popped into my head in the last few months and there have been times when I've got as far as turning on my laptop in anger, but for some reason or another nothing happened. For anyone out there who enjoys reading this stuff I genuinely apologise (mum). I will not leave it a few months again until I return. I'll be back soon with my thoughts on the hot topic of debate within the footballing world that is "History"...

Same old England (Scrap that)!!

I haven't been on here in a while not since I was re-living my footballing youth. Quite a bit has happened since I last put finger to button in anger.  Or has it? England are still as useless as they were back in July when I blogged about their performances in the European World Cup. I didn't see last night's game and understand that they may not have had the "rub of the green" when it came to officiating decisions and fortune, however Ukraine (no 'The') are not very good. Everyone got excited because we beat Moldova on Friday; can I just say Moldova and The Maldives are not the same thing, I was asked whether this was the case by 'a friend' recently... Back to England, so we beat The Maldives 5-0 and I already start hearing all sorts of rubbish about our 'New Generation' of players; who by the way are taking over from the 'Golden Generation', the Golden Generation that have won no trophies. I mean. Come on! I've got trophies on my PS3 for playing FIFA online and some Call of Duty ones, and I'd hardly describe myself as part of the 'Golden Generation' of online gamers! We beat The Maldives (this is going to a bit like the European World Cup joke) and all of a sudden our 'New Generation' are off to challenge for the World World Cup. Low and behold we were brought back down to earth with a bump, now that's not to say that come June 2014 the likes of Ian Wright and Alan Shearer won't be tipping England as dark horses. When will they learn?

Wales have been absolutely hammered, despite climbing the FIFA rankings under the late Gary Speed due to some 'encouraging' performances we discovered that they also haven't changed much.

So I started off writing the above last week then decided it wasn't up to my exceptionally high standard of funny (still kept it for you all to read though, it's not that bad). Instead I've decided to look at domestic football, what with it returning on the weekend. Good start for West Ham so far, although I'd have liked more at Norwich especially in terms of a more convincing performance, I don't care what anyone says, Norwich haven't been good since they had Brian Gunn, Dale Gordon and Jeremy Goss! My attention on this post is focused again on my experiences in the 8 years I've had my season ticket at West Ham. And I'm gonna do a 10 things.

There are a number of characters I've had the pleasure (and sometimes displeasure) of meeting while at West Ham; there have been times when I wished some of my friends and family who don't support West Ham have been there to witness some of the weird and wonderful characters that you find at the Boleyn Ground on a Saturday afternoon (and on a Tuesday, Wednesday or any other time of the week that the stupid footballing authorities decide to schedule games). Here's 10 types of fan that have caught my eye.

The Moaner
If I had to put myself into one of these categories it'd definitely be The Moaner. I'm a pretty pessimistic fan, the manager hasn't got a clue, the tactics are wrong, Cole shouldn't have started, on paper this lot are better... bla bla bla and then every so often we score, or even win and I and all the other Moaners have to do one of two things; Shut the hell up or do a complete u-turn and contradict what we've just been saying for the past 2 hours. "Yeah, we were always gonna win this one. Wait til next week though, Man U won't give us a chance like this lot did..."

The Family
Literally the whole family has come to Upton Park, the mother always has a shirt on (with a name on the back) and there's a couple of kids at least. How the hell can they afford it, especially if they go on a regular basis. There was a notable family in front of me at West Ham, notable for two reasons. The first being I once saw them get into an actual fist fight with a couple of blokes (one of them the wrong side of 65) over how useless Luis Boa Morte was; and secondly because I 'Watched one of their daughters grow into a young lady...' Yep! She was nice. Not sure what happened to them though, they haven't been around since the start of last season.

The Home and Awayers
These guys go to EVERY game! And I mean EVERY (it's bold and capitalised) game, they'll tell you about how dire it was up at Middlesbrough last Tuesday night, the youngster in the academy that got a hat-trick against Arsenal (that might not have happened, but if it did they'd be there) and the injured player coming back in the reserves. C'mon guys, I love football and I invest a lot of time in watching my team, but you need to get a life. How do you even get the time off work to go to Middlesbrough on a Tuesday evening (on top of your normal holidays)?

The Pro
"Useless! He has more time than that, he should have opened up his body and placed it in the far corner... Even I could have dealt with that... I've come up against fast playing for my team..." If you're such a great footballer why did you never make it? You go on about them not being fit to wear the shirt but I doubt you could even fit in a shirt, there's not many playing at a decent level who wear any sizes above a 'L'. I suppose you had 'trials' at one of the London clubs when you were a teen... Shut it!

The Nutjob
The Nutjob is my favourite fan (after the girl turned woman in the family of course), we have a Nutjob that sits in the row behind us who we call 'Tourettes'. We call him that because sometimes it doesn't seem to be any particular incident that has set him off on a foul mouthed rant. I've heard him call Lucas Neil a 'Millwall sh*t c**t!' Steve Bennett (the referee) a 'Sex Case' and there was one incoherent rant about Uriah Renne living in a 'cottage in the country' once?!? The thing is, for midweek games he turns up all suited as he's just come straight from work. I have images of him being a mild mannered office worker, maybe even someone's boss. Little do they know that come 3pm on a Saturday he turns into a snarling animal. A part of me actually looks forward to teams pulling one back when we're 3 or 4 up (pfft, like we're ever 3 or 4 up) just for his reaction.

The Show Off
There's a lot of money on show at West Ham, guys decked out in the latest designer gear, covered in jewellery, parking their Range Rovers with personalised 'WHU1' licence plates. I'm genuinely not impressed in the slightest. Stop showing off, I don't care if you've got 6 season tickets (and only ever really use 2 of them) or that the clothes that you have one cost you more than my season ticket cost me, I just wanna watch some football!

The Friend of the Stars
"I was out with Mark Noble the other day... ...my mate's brother's, girlfriend's dad cuts Ricardo Vaz Te's mowhawk..." see my thoughts on the Show Off, I couldn't care less! You're sitting in the stands like me trying to watch a game of football and and hoping we'll beat West Brom today. If you're really mates with Jack Collison, why doesn't he put you up in one of the boxes then eh?

The Group of Lads
There's normally a lot of designer gear among the Lads and they've got a mate who sits in a different part of the ground that they have to chant at when they catch a glimpse of him. These guys will normally have had a few before the game and will probably head to a nearby 'boozer' for a few more after. David can you please give your boozed up mates 'a wave' so that they can shut up and I can concentrate on moaning about how dour the 1st half was.

The Scumbag Away Fan
Sometimes I look at the away fans and genuinely think to myself, "If I ever find myself in a social situation with that lot, I've seriously messed up in life!" Not all away fans are Scumbags, most of the time it's just a very small minority (except for when you're playing Stoke or Millwall). If you're not sure who the Scumbag Away Fans are just spend 30 seconds looking over at the away fans, that will give one of them enough time to make eye contact, point you out and do the w*nker hand sign at you. If they're really scummy they might even make a slit throat gesture. Nice!

The Smug Away Fan
You only really witness these fans when you play a 'Top Four' team. Maybe it's just my jealousy that their team has come to our ground and is currently running rings around mine, much to their amusement. These guys rub me up the wrong way big time, they do things like twirling their scarves in unison when they go 1-0 up (Arsenal & Palermo) or sing clever songs about their star player who's just skinned our back line (Liverpool, Man U and Chelsea). Argh! I can't take it!

That's me done, I'll hopefully post soon. Hope you've enjoyed this, I'm sure these characters appear at football grounds up and down the country ever weekend.

10 Things: Week 7 - 10 Things I loved about playing football as a child

I've been thinking a lot about school recently, primarily because I'm jealous that I don't get to finish my working day at some point between 3:00 & 3:30 and also don't get 6 weeks off smack bang in the middle of the hottest time of the year (I should probably say 'mildest', it's never consistently hot is it). One of the things I also miss from my school days is the many ways in which we attempted to recreate the beautiful game and mimic what we'd seen on The Big Match Live (on ITV may I add), Ford Super Sunday and international tournaments like Italia 90. 10 Things is back this week with a (hopefully) comical lookat the numerous practices that I and many others will have experienced in the late 1980's and 1990's and that probably still occur on playgrounds up and down the country.

Can I just say, to those it isn't obvious to, I've totally made up the rule numbers (although, I'd imagine choosing teams would be rule number 1). Here's 10 Things I loved about playing football as a child.

Playing football 3 times (sometimes 4 or 5) a day
Commentators often wax lyrically about box to box midfielders with amazing 'engines', that seem to cover every blade of grass and look as if they've barely broken sweat. These guys are basically the guys that are still in the same sort of physical condition that they were in at the age of 11. I can remember getting the school early and playing football at 8.30 until the bell went to signal the start of the day; playing football during the early morning break and having a big game at lunch time (this would have gone on for around an hour). Sometimes additionally you'd play football during a Games or PE lesson (Games was so much better than PE wasn't it, PE was too technical) or even play after school for the school or down the park/on the streets with your mates. And all of this was done without energy drinks or steroids (take note Lance Armstrong)!

Stupid

Calling yourself one of the players you've seen on TV
This would normally happen during a World Cup when we'd get the chance to see a load of exotic foreign players that we'd never seen. This was of course long before the days of Sky and ESPN's wall to wall coverage of the other footballing leagues in Europe and the Champions League & UEFA Cup; and also long before English football had it's influx of headband wearing, shirt pulling, imaginary card waving, diving foreign imports, so players like Schillachi, Roberto Baggio, Caniggia, Batistuta, Romario and Bebeto were appreciated even more by us than their modern day counterparts. One person who wasn't was former Brazilian World Cup winning captain Dunga. I'm not sure how true this is but during a game in the 1994 World Cup the commentators made the mistake of telling everyone that Dunga meant 'Stupid' in Portuguese. From then on, once a lunchtime it was customary to proclaim yourself to be Romario for the hour and refer to one of your team mates as Dunga, much to the amusement of everyone else.

Playground Football Rule 1 - Choosing Teams
1.1 Teams must be chosen by two players who are assigned the role of 'Captain'.
1.1.1 Captaincy does not give a player any authority on the field of play, it is purely for administration purposes.
1.1.2 If there are two players who are a lot more talented than their other playground counterparts (these kids normally ended up having an unsuccessful trial at some professional team) they must automatically be designated captaincy on opposing sides for fear of a one sided game.
1.1.2.1 Two specialised goalkeepers that are willing to play in goal during the upcoming match can also be assigned the role of 'Captain'.
1.2 Both Captains take turns at choosing players for their side based on their impression of ability descending.
1.3 All non-Captains must group together in an orderly manner to enable both Captains to survey the players they have to choose from when picking teams.
1.3.1 At times where the Captains are having problems getting the non-Captains to assemble one of the Captains may shout words to the effect of, "The last one of you non-Captains to settle down and join the line/huddle of players available for selection is Gay/In love with [Person X]!"
1.3.1.1 Person X is deemed by popular opinion to be either the campest boy or 'ugliest' girl in school or the neighbourhood.
1.4  - Numbers: In some scenarios, for fear of prejudice each non-Captain is randomly assigned a number which the Captains must call out. The calling out of a non-Captain's number indicates selection for a Captain's team.
1.4.1 non-Selected players must not hint to the Captains at any time, the number that they or any other player have/has been assigned
1.4.2 Any suspicions of Rule 1.4.1 being broken must result in a reallocation of numbers.
1.4.3 Numbers can be reallocated to non-selected players if the Captains are unsure as to what numbers remain available for selection.
1.5 In scenarios other than that of the evocation of Rule 1.4, Captains are allowed to choose whomever they wish, all prejudices and personal grudges apply.
1.6 Selected players must leave the huddle and stand alongside their Captain. They are allowed to influence their Captain's future picks with the exception of when rule 1.4 is in force. When Rule 1.4 has been enforced, selected players must not hint to their Captain the numbers that have been allocated to to the more skill-full players. If there are any suspicions of this, Rule 1.4.2 must be evoked.
1.7 Once the game is underway, teams can be re-picked if
a) The match appears to be ridiculously one-sided.
b) A player of considerable physical strength decides so.
c) The player responsible for providing the ball either sheds tears alongside threatening to withdraw the ball from the field of play or can convince enough players that a 'Re-pick' is necessary.
1.8 - The Re-pick: Rules 1.1 to 1.6 are enforced during a 'Re-pick'.

Playground Football Rule 74.1 - The Imaginary Crossbar
74.1 During play with jumpers/blazers/bags used as goalposts the height of the Crossbar is deemed to be the highest point that the goalkeeper can reach while jumping with his arms stretched straight up in the air.
74.1.1 In order for the ball to be deemed 'Over' and out of bounds both teams must agree that it passed clear of the Crossbar.
74.1.2 For unsettle-able disputes Rule 85.1 may be evoked at the request of the defending team. 

Playground Football Rule 74.2 - The Imaginary Post
74.2 During play with jumpers/blazers/bags used as goalposts. Said jumpers/blazers/bags are considered to be 'Post'.
74.2.1 Any ball that is deemed to have passed over jumper/blazer/bag is to be considered 'Post' and out of bounds.
74.2.2 For unsettle-able disputes Rule 85.1 may be evoked at the request of the defending team.

Playground Football Rule 85.1 - Penalty or Goal?
85.1 In situations where the validity of a goal cannot be agreed by both sides the 'Penalty or Goal?' rule can be evoked.
85.1.1 'Penalty or Goal?' can only be suggested by:-
a) The defending team (as a form of appeasement).
b) The attacking team, when it is clear that their claim for a goal is valid but the defending team will not back down.
85.1.2 'Penalty or Goal?' is the only just and fair way to settle goalscoring disputes. If the disputed goal was not valid the Playground Gods will ensure that the attacking team squander their penalty. Conversely if a disputed goal should stand the Gods will make sure that the penalty is converted.

Wembley
Whoever came up with the idea of Wembley is a genius. Depending on what part of the country you went to school in Wembley may have sometimes been referred to as 'World Cup' (we had our own version of World Cup). The rules of Wembley are simple, in fact I don't remember ever being taught them, there's just a mutual understanding amongst all boys aged 7 to 15. You have one goal and one goalkeeper, who is also the designated match official and everyone is playing against each other. The game consists of a number of 'Rounds' where players must score a pre-determined number of goals (normally starting with 1 in the first round or so then increasing in the latter rounds), and stop their opponents from doing the same, to go through to the next round. Once a player is 'through to the next round' they are removed from the field of play and watch all of the remaining players trying to get through to the next round. The last player not to have scored the allocated amount of goals (sometimes it's 2 or 3 players depending on the time you have available or the number of people playing) is 'Out', and must sit and watch all of the remaining rounds. As soon as a round has ended all of the players who are through return to the field of play for the next round. Easy to follow?? Probably not when written on paper, but we all did.

Wembley with multiple numbers i.e. Doubles, Triples, I've even played Quadruples
Wembley doubles was a personal favourite of mine. Pretty much the same as the above but with team mates so you could be that little bit lazier.

World Cup
World Cup in some areas of London was just Wembley. I remember World Cup to be Wembley but with each person or double/triple/quadruple choosing a team that they were representing/pretending to be (this would normally happen during a World Cup) and then pretending to be individual players from said team/country. I loved a bit of World Cup doubles, always chose to be either Roberto Baggio or Gianluca Vialli.

Playground Football Rules 97.1, 97.1.2 and 97.1.3 - Penalties All Around and the ensuing melee
97.1 - Penalties All Around: During a game of Wembley (or World Cup) if the ball strikes one of the combatants hands a penalty can be awarded to all other players (often placing the offending player at risk of elimination).
97.1.1 The goalkeeper (with the help of players classified as either 'Through' or 'Eliminated'), designated official in all games of Wembley, is the only person who can adjudge whether the infringement is deliberate or not.
97.1.2 'Penalties All Around' must be signalled by the goalkeeper calling out, "Penalties All Around". Until this has been done the ball is still in play.
97.1.3 The order of penalty takers is determined by the following:-
a) The first penalty taker must shout out "First!" ("I'm first" is also acceptable) and be comfortably clutching the ball. Failure to hold the ball may give other players the right to claim the first penalty.
b) All other penalty positions must also be called  but do not require the player to be in possession of the ball when doing so.
97.1.4 Each player has a turn at taking one penalty and cannot be obstructed or physically/mentally hindered.
97.1.4.1 In cases where a player is obstructed and misses a retake may be ordered only if agreed by the goalkeeper.
97.1.5 In keeping with the spirit of the game of Wembley/World Cup the goalkeeper must, at the time of the last of the awarded penalties being taken, declare that 'Rebounds' are applicable.
97.1.6 - Rebounds: There are no 'Rebounds' available for any of the penalties taken in an instance of 'Penalties All Around' with the exception of the last penalty of the series. In cases where 'Rebounds' are not applicable the ball is deemed 'dead' immediately:-
a) After a goal is scored from the penalty.
b) After a penalty is saved.
c) After a penalty is missed.
In cases where rebounds are applicable the ball is 'live' if the penalty is not scored and the ball comes back into play.

...and a final note Re Provision of the ball (basically I've got more than 10 things), offsides, 'Next goal wins' and disputes.
-It is the prerogative of the individual responsible for providing the match ball to call a halt to proceedings at any point during play for reasons such as but not limited to:-
a) Unfair teams
b) Bad sportsmanship
c) A disagreement or physical altercation with another player
NB - This action may be remembered by all other players and used against said 'Ball Provider' in later life as a point of ridicule.
- Offsides do not exist, however players who frequently stand in an offside position may be derogatorily referred to as 'Goal Hangers'.
- In cases where play is being called to an abrupt halt i.e. the bell for registration/lessons, fading light etc, it is plausible to evoke the 'Next Goal Wins' rule regardless of the score. The winning goal stands.
- Disputes can be carried into registration or the next lesson at school but anything further than that and you're just a winging idiot!

I'm not gonna lie, I loved sitting here thinking about all the silly little rules we had when we played football as kids. I'd happily go back to being 10 years old if I could do this all again. In addition I'd like to campain for the 'Penalty or Goal?' rule to be introduced to Association Football; that would take away any need for goal line technology or those extra official that they have behind the goal. The footballing Gods would justly decide.

10 Things: Week 6 - 10 things that irk me about having a West Ham season ticket

I've been away in Ibiza for the best part of two weeks, I'm tired, I've put on weight from all the boozing & junk food, I've spent more money than Manchester City, or should I say PSG (apologies to Twitter followers and Facebook friends, I know I've tried that one out on you a week or so ago), and now I'm back. Just before I went I began the renewal process for my West Ham season ticket, I came home to find all the relevant paperwork returned with some 'i's to dot and 't's to cross (man I hate that phrase, only morons say that, same for "chillax"). The whole thing got me thinking as to what a palaver it is following your team to this extent, here's 10 reasons why...

It costs £600
And that's the cheapest ticket they do! Last year it was £530 for 23 games, this year it's gone up by £70 but we have 4 less games. And if you think about it, we'll probably win circa 6 home games next year so in essence I'm paying about £100 per victory. I wish it was cheaper!

West Ham couldn't organise a gathering where they were serving alcoholic drinks, even if it were in an establishment that's sole purpose was to brew alcohol
So I submit my form a week or so before I go away, knowing the deadline for applications passes while I'm out of the country, however I'm bombarded with texts and emails telling me how time is running out for me to renew?? But I have renewed, or have I? Has it got lost in the post? Has my application for finance been rejected (I'm not paying £600 in one go)? Will I only be notified of my failure to successfully renew after I've left the country and therefore when I'm powerless to do anything before the deadline? After a around 40 mins on hold to the ticket office call centre (I got cut off once in that time), something I wished to avoid, hence I applied via post; I discover they just bombard everyone, even if the application has gone through. Great! Cheers West Ham!

It's like buying a lottery ticket and choosing your own specific numbers, you can never stop!
So I have my seat, and it's with my mates and in an area where I know everyone. I'm not saying for a second that I've planner to stop going to West Ham, but if for whatever reason there is a season where I don't wish to renew (whether it be for financial or fed up of watching your team get pummelled reasons) I'm screwed. I'll lose my seat. The thought of this unsettles me somewhat.

Going to games takes up most of my day
I leave at about 1 o'clock on a Saturday and get back at about 6:30 in the afternoon. That's a large chunk of one of my two days off a week!

There's going to be midweek games
Not as many as in the Championship, they literally play whenever they can find a spare 90 minutes, but the whole rushing there from work and getting home at 10:30-11:00 bothers me too.

People tend to do stuff at times or on days when West Ham are playing
Within the first month of the season I have a clash with a birthday celebration and a wedding. I hate having to check the fixture list every time somebody mentions a gathering on a weekend.

If friends or family want to come to a game they can't sit with us
Where I sit, it's all season ticket holders. Every so often I have a mate or someone who wants to come and watch a game with me but that's only possible if one of my mates who has a season ticket doesn't come. Grrr!

I AM NOT this guy!

People who don't like/understand football assume you're some sort of West Ham nut job just because you have a season ticket
I'm not that fella from Portsmouth with the crazy hair and tatoos! I don't wanna change my middle name to "West Ham" or "WHUFC"! I don't wanna name my kids after Bobby Moore & Trevor Brooking (even if they're girls)! I wouldn't have a West Ham themed wedding or birthday party or batmitzvah! I just want to see my team play regularly for the most cost effective price.

It gets cold in the winter
I am not looking forward to standing with a -1 wind blowing on me whilst bemoaning Carlton Cole for his failure to hold the ball up or having random Stoke fans point at me and do the w*nker hand gesture.

Nobody cares Stevie G!

I'll miss other decent games or sports that on TV
West Ham always seem to play at home when there's a Grand Slam Sunday. The Premier League should consider that I may want to see Man City v Man Utd rather than West Ham v Wigan (that had better not actually be a fixture clash) and I will not be happy if I miss the Cup Semi Finals or even Final! I don't care about the Carling Cup final though, nobody does unless they're in it!

Can I just say, I love having my season ticket. I will not be getting rid of it any time soon!

The view from my seat

France! Oh France!

Mon Deu! Or what ever the phrase is, the French are out! There goes my £5. Last time I listen to the Mrs for football betting tips. This post shall be a brief one as I'm tired and now £5 lighter in the wallet and therefore in no mood to waxy lyrically about today's footballing proceedings.

Watch out Row Z! Here come's Travis' tip for the Golden Boot

In short Spain went for the 4-6-0 formation again, France had periods where managed to wrestle possession from the Spaniards but showed about as much cutting edge as those scissors they give you at primary school. Although we still haven't had a 0-0 this game was not a classic (unlike last night's game); just to top things off for me, gambling wise, Benzema managed to finish the tournament with zero goals and put in a pretty damp performance up front. I had Monsieur Benzema each way to finish as the tournament's leading scorer so obviously he did nothing, £10 down the drain. I shall never forgive the French!

I might as well have put my money on Gekas, or was it Salpingidis? I dunno, whichever of those little bearded fellas up front for Greece that scored again last night. And no I don't mean Samaras ...I MEAN COME ON BENZEMA!! Even Samaras has scored! He got like 4 all season in the SPL, I could get 4 in a season playing in the SPL and I play in goal!

Anyway here's 10 things I learnt from the past week in the European World Cup.

Germany are awesome
They played their B attack last night and still took Greece apart. I know it was Greece and it finished 4-2 (very flattering) but that game was an absolute mauling and the Germans gave a fine display of how attacking football should be played.

Roy Keane is an angry man
I know I mentioned this before, but he makes me laugh. He's so aggressive, I get the impression that he's one sarky Adrian Childs comment away from totally kicking off and going back home to walk his dog.

He doesn't even look that happy here

Ireland are terrible
Played 3, Lost 3, Conceded 9 and scored 1. Zero points. Thanks for coming boys, shut the door on your way out, we don't want a draft coming in.

France couldn't give a toss if they were knocked out
See above and their performance against Sweden. Arrrrgh, I'm not letting this go! You've cost me Dix pounds!!

It doesn't matter about goal line technology if the dodgy decision goes in your favour
"We were robbed against the Germans". "They had an official on the line". "The move started from an offside position so it doesn't matter". I've said it a million times, there's a simple solution. Penalty or Goal, just like at school, that would sort out any debate.

No matter how badly England play, everybody over here will talk them up, provided they aren't knocked out
Two unconvincing wins against two not very good sides and I'm seeing stories of Joe Hart saying "we can win it". Oh god!

Portugal are actually quite decent
I said they'd be rubbish and that Ronaldo wouldn't score, so obviously they've come to life and proved that I know nothing about predicting football results. Nice!

There are times when Jamie Carragher gets so excited on ITV that he gobs over the other pundits
Calm down Jamie. I agree, the French did need to up it in the second half, but I think you're starting to grate on Roy...

Joachim Lowe's fashion sense is still impeccable

Check out the fitted shirt

I am going to miss the football when it's all over
I was si lost on Wednesday I started watching the English equivalent to the IPL to fill the void. It was so drab I can't even remember who was playing.

England v Italy tomorrow for a place in the Semi Finals. Remember ref, anything goes providing it favours England...