Everybody hates Cris (and friends)

So it’s all come to a head. The festival of football that we’ve been treated to over the past 30 days ends tonight. And only two teams remain, France and Portugal. The French will be favourites to lift the trophy; they’ve got the best squad and, on top of that, they’re the hosts so they can expect the support of the majority in attendance. But it’s not just the home fans who’ll be behind the French. Everybody hates Portugal!

I get that a lot of people see Portugal and Cristiano Ronaldo as being one and the same, and that a lot of people dislike “CR7”. I get that the Portuguese are very fortunate to have even reached the final, I mean they came third in a pretty average group, without winning a single game (que the anti-24 team competition brigade, FYI I disagree with you), and then found themselves on the easier side of the knockout draw. But the hatred is still a bit disproportionate in my eyes.

You're just a fat Jim Carey! 

I mean they were involved in the best game of the first round, the back and forth goal fest with Hungary. In the same game Ronaldo broke his duck with one of the best goals of the tournament. Yet we still loathe them, and I keep hearing comparisons between them and the Euro 2004 Greek side.

I’d just like to point out that I dislike Portugal as much as the next (non-Portuguese) man. I’m no different to the rest of you. The ideal outcome of tonight’s encounter would be a resounding, but  entertaining, French win. I just can’t think of where it all went wrong?!? I used to love watching Portugal in the days of the “Golden Generation” with Figo, Concecao, Nuno Gomes, Pauleta, Vitor  Bia and Jao (and Sao) Pinto. I also didn’t mind them in the days of Deco, Simao and Maniche.

All I can say is Allez Le Bleus! May the blood of our enemies run through our fields (that’s a national anthem joke by the way)!

Enjoy the final!

Quaresma now gives talks in youth clubs on staying out trouble with the law 

PS remember how Jao Pinto always wore that Robbie Fowler style plaster on his nose, and how Maniche looked like a fat Jim Carey? Also why does Quaresma look like the top man in a Latino gang at an American Super-Max prison? I swear he’s even got tear drops tattooed on his cheek! Is that where he’s been all these years? He was well off the footballing radar for a few years, I’m assuming he’s out on good behavior having renounced his past life and turned his back on Los Zetas.

Somebody have a word with Jamie Redknaop! - Day 4

Write off the Italians at your peril. As an avid follower of Serie A, I had been saying for weeks that they wouldn’t amount to anything at this year’s tournament. The Injuries to their best two midfielders; lack of a decent striker (Why?!? Oh why?!? Did Conte not take Giuseppe Rossi?); and the performance at the last World Cup. It all spelt early exit to me. What do I know?!

I’ll tell you what I do know! Belgium are decent, but they’re nowhere near as good as everyone makes out. And I thought that before last night. In England people only rate the Belgians because they know all of their players due to the majority of the playing in The Best League in the World.™* I cannot for the life of me understand how they are ranked 2^nd in the World? Did FIFA just ask Jamie Redknapp for his views?

Speaking of overrated, Portugal are on tonight…!

*Most competitive league in the world at times when it’s obvious that the standard is pretty average e.g. after an early Champions/Europa League exit**

**This isn’t counting towards the 150 word limit by the way!***

***Neither is that…

The European World Cup Semi Finalists

We've got three games left of the 2012 European World Cup. It's been a very entertaining tournament, I've thoroughly enjoyed it. Quite frankly I have no idea what I'm going to do with my Evenings for another two years (and I'm scared by the prospect of emptiness).

Here's a brief, and very alternative, guide to the remaining four teams vying for European World Glory.

Portugal

International Footballing Pedigree
The Portuguese have never won anything at senior level in international football. The had a decent World Cup in 1966 and managed to finish 3rd and in more recent times came 4th in the 2006 World Cup in Germany. Portugal have a slightly better record in the European World Cup reaching the Semi Finals in 1984 and 2000 and the Final on home soil in 2004. Can they deliver this year.

"Nope! I'm not sure who Martin Keown is either?"

Legends
Has to be Eusebio and Luis Figo, both of who were pictured sitting together at their Quarter Final win over the Czech Republic. Apparently Martin Keown didn't know who Eusebio was, shame on you Martin, to be fair though, he probably doesn't know who you are...

Stereotype
The Portuguese always have very talented midfielders, most of which are wingers. Portuguese forwards are mediocre at best.

Worst Player
Helder Postiga? I'm going to plump for him. Postiga, once of Sp*rs, has only ever done one thing of note in his career as far as I'm concerned and that is score against England in the 2004 European World Cup Quarter Final.

Chances
According to everyone else they have a good chance off of the back that Ronaldo plays for them. Personally I can't see them getting past Spain.

Spain

International Footballing Pedigree
Barring the 1964 European World Cup Spain were absolute dog poo at international level, that was up until 2008 when something clicked. The Spanish have now gone from that team you liked watching but knew would never amount to anything (a bit like Argentina) to an all conquering winning (and passing) machine. It's testament to their ability that I'm starting to dislike them, I don't like winners.

Check out those boots

Legends
For me it would have to be Raul and Andoni Zubizarreta but then these guys never really amounted to anything at international level (much like the sides they played in). Another notable mention, but a man who is some way off of legendary status, is Alfonso. Alfonso was never an amazing player for me but he was the first person to consistently wear white boots. Well that's what I remember anyway, and he was the most expensive player on Championship Manager 97/98, £18m?? You're paying for the boots!

Stereotype
The Spanish never score an ugly goal and every one of their players would walk into any other nations team and pick it for the manager too. They pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass and then pass some more.

Worst Player
Victor Valdez, I mean he's alright but he does make the occasional mistake, and he'll never ever get to play for the national team consistently, what with Casillas & Reina and the likes of De Gea and Asenjo who will play for La Furia Roja (check me and my Spanish out).

Chances
They'll probably end up winning the thing and become the first team to successfully defend the European World Cup. That will displease me!

Germany

International Footballing Pedigree

Need I even write this? The daddies of international football, well in Europe anyway. For those of you living under a rock European World champions in 1972, 1980 and 1996, World Champions 1954, 1974 and 1990. The Germans have had their worst period in international football, in terms of success in the last 16 years and they still managed a World Cup Final, European World Cup final and the 3rd place playoff at the last two World Cups. In short, they don't mess about.

Even the tracksuit top is a bit questionable. Are there no mirrors at the German FA?

Legends

Franz Beckenbauer, pioneer of the Sweeper position. Gerd Muller, prolific goal machine. Paul Brietner, Karl-Heinz Rumenigge, Jurgen Klinsman, Rudi Voller, Lothar Matthaus... the list goes on. All I can say is that for all their great players they could never find a good hair stylist. What is with the tashes and mullets guys?

Stereotype
The Germans always win, especially if it's a penalty shootout. If their style of play could be summed up in one word it would be efficient.

Worst Player
I'm gonna say Jerome Boateng. I mean he's not a bad player he just has lapses in concentration when he plays at fullback. Their Centre-halves can be questionable at times too.

Chances
I've been backing them for the last two and a half years to win this thing, then I lost my nerve and put my money on France (seen as I never get these things right). If Spain don't win it Germany will.

Italy

International Footballing Pedigree

But for Germany, they'd be the most successful European side in international football. World Cup winners in 1934, 1938, 1982 and 2006 and a European World Cup in 1968. They're pretty handy at this tournament lark.

Happy Birthday!!

Legends

Like the Germans there are so many Giuseppe Meazza, Luigi Riva, Dino Zoff, Paolo Maldini... the list goes on. It's Paolo Maldini birthday today, so I'm going to put up a picture of him.

Stereotype

The Italians are defensive, and they're cheats and they love an illegal bet. Don't watch any of their games as they'll be absolute snooze-fests.

Worst Player

Mario Balotelli for me, I get that he has talent and her can do amazing things, but I'd play Di Natale given the chance. Personally I think he wouldn't have started so many games had Giuseppe Rossi been fit or Giampaolo Pazzini not been shocking this season. He does have a great song though.

Chances

Despite having the worst preparation to the tournament the Italians find themselves in the Semis off the back of the most one sided 0-0 I've seen for a while. The last two times they've been embroiled in betting/match fixing scandals in the run up to major tournaments they've won them (1982 & 2006). Who knows what they'll do...

Right, that's the four Semi Finalists, I'm off to bed. Enjoy the games, let's hope these last three can live up to the high standards set so far in the competition.

Day 2 of the European World Cup and 10 things to look out for

Another decent day of football in my opinion, the Danes "shocked" the Dutch beating them 1-0. I say "shocked" because it wasn't that much of a shock. They're ranked 9th in the world (I think), qualified top of their group, which contained Portugal and held The Netherlands to a 1-1 draw in the last World Cup (although it wasn't a European World Cup, just a regular one), the same World Cup that the Dutch got to the final in. The second game was a lot closer than I thought it would be, I really don't rate Portugal, to the point that I think it's ludicrous that anyone would suggest Ronaldo will have a good tournament. I don't get why people can't see that although he is arguably the best player in the World (definitely in the European World) he needs a good team around him to do well, which he has in Real Madrid, but doesn't with Portugal. The Portuguese did hit the bar twice in the game, one of those being an off the bar and down onto the line incendent, which luckily was conclusive, else all we'd be hearing "bla bla bla goal line technology"; but on the face of it I think the Germans did enough to deserve the win, for a start they had more chances.

A Summary of Day 2

Close your legs!!

Hero
Michael Krohn-Dehli. Scored a very good goal against the Dutch and "nutzed" the keeper, I always keep my legs closed in those situations, Steklenburg needs to take tips from me (or Rob Green who I learnt the technique from), in fact I thought the three up top for Denmark were quality, they all looked really sharp, even Bendtner.

Not his best day...

Villain

Robin Van Persie (closely followed by Ibrahim Afellay and Arjen Robben). The three up top for The Netherlands were the opposite of the Danish front line. Although they moved around well and got a lot of the ball, they often held on to it for too long and wasted a number of very good chances. Van Persie in particular was terrible, I'm not sure why they opted to start with him in the middle when they had Huntelaar on the bench. Huntelaar was the top scorer in qualifying, had a very good season with Schalke AND has a name that makes him sound like he'll be a predator in front of goal, Huntelaar, THE CLUE IS IN THE NAME (I'm aware he squandered a few chances too)!

How many different angles do you reckon I can find pictures of Gomez's goal from?

Bet of the day

Has to be Mario Gomez, first goalscorer, if only I'd placed it. I instead went for an accumulator with Sharapova to win the tennis, The Netherlands and Germany, despite the fact that I thought, correctly, that the Dutch one might be dodgy. I'm just not very good at this gambling lark.

In addition to my Day 2 summary, here's 10 things to look out for at Euro 2012.

The opening credits

I've seen BBC's this year and they're pretty naff, yet to see ITV's. The Opening Credits are normally where ITV actually shine, if only they invested as much time in their choice of commentators and pundits...

Here are some of my favourite Opening Credits (why not eh...)

ITV France 98

BBC Euro 2004 (I just like the song)

ITV South Africa 2010 (I have too much time on my hands don't I...)

Clarence Seedorf

Excellent choice by the BBC to get him in as a pundit. He'll provide some insight amongst all the dated clichés and stereotypes that Hansen and co will come up with.

Updates from the England camp

This really grinds my gears, when I watch Italy v Spain at half time I want detailed analysis of what I've just watched from the 1st half not a running report on the mundane goings on within the England camp in the last few days. The tournament isn't just about England, they're not even playing (see what I did there)!! I really couldn't care less as to what Walcott just had for dinner, he probably lost control of the fork and spilt it all down himself anyway.

Stereotypes

If you wanna play a Euro 2012 drinking game I suggest this, do a shot every time somebody on TV:-

Calls the Italians "defensive" or "negative"

Says "Tika-Taka" when Spain are playing

Slates Zlatan Ibrahimovic

Questions a decent players ability as he's never played in England

Mentions a penalty shoot out when Germany are playing

Backs Ronaldo to do well

Zlatan Ibrahimovic getting slated

I like Zlatan. I totally get that he's arrogant and that he comes across as lazy sometimes. But how can you argue that a player who didn't win the league with his club for the first time in 5 years or something like that this season, consistently scores goals (he's been top scorer in every country he's played in) and scored one of the goals of the tournament in the last two European World Cups, isn't all that? Zlatan could single handed win the tournament for Sweden scoring twice in every game and as he went to lift the trophy every pundit over here would be saying, "I just don't get what all the fuss is about?" I'm literally shaking my head as I write this.

Marcel Desailly

All I'm gonna say is "for sure". I love this guy, he's the only pundit worth watching on ITV. I can do a decent impression as well (in my opinion).

Russia

They have a decent side and may not have to play anyone too challenging until the Semi Finals, obviously to agree with that you'd have to disregard all of the positive things that I've said about Denmark above (it's very likely they could face them in the Quarter Finals), see even I'm contradicting myself, this punditry bug is catching.

France

They're my tip to win the whole thing, I've basically backed Germany for the last two and a bit to three years and upon the eve of the tournament my attentions have turned to France. Fickleity of the highest order! I've got money on them and Benzema to do well.

This blog

I'm going to try and update it every day throughout Euro 2012! I know it's going to be difficult, let's see what happens...

And finally, this picture...

Why does the Portuguese keeper have a big circle on his top? Is it in case he forgets where the badge is? [Kiss here]

I said I'd get as many as I could in from different angles.

Italy v Spain this evening, and the début of the Republic of Ireland (aka The Npower Championship All Star team)!

10 Things: Week 4 - 10 Memorable European Championship Moments

I've just polished off two plates of home made Carbonara and I can barely move, to me that seems an apt moment to write another blog post. Not sure if I've mentioned it but Euro 2012 is next week, I literally can't wait. Every lunch hour at work has been spent reading about the squads going, watching old videos and of course swatting stats obscure and sad enough to repulse many an individual of the opposite sex (even desperate girls). As a result of my European Championship excitedness (is that a word?) and the fact that I've seen a million old videos I thought I'd make this week's 10 Things 10 Memorable European Championship moments. Can I just add that the qualification criteria has to be that I've witnessed them, meaning that, as I was only 7 and not that interested in football at the time, Marco Van Basten's volley (which you will no doubt see on any European Championship related TV show at the moment) has not made the list. Here are the the 10 things that have...

Denmark knocking Holland out on penalties - 1992
Unfortunately I can't find an individual clip for this one so you'll have to watch the BBC's montage of the whole tournament. This stuck in my head for two reasons, the first being that Euro 92 was my first European Championships meaning that I remember it all quite vividly. I can remember being allowed to stay up late as the game had gone to penalties and wanting the Danes to win, I've never rooted for the favourites, even as a child. The second reason being that I found it quite funny the Danish defender wins the shootout for them and celebrates by going round, and round, and round in a circle in the penalty area (3:10), sometimes it's the little things... This was also an early sign to the footballing world that the Danish goalkeeper Peter Schmeichel was going to be something special, just ask Van Basten.

John Jensen's goal - 1992
Later on in Euro 92 Denmark pulled off another upset beating the then seemingly impregnable World Champions Germany 2-0 in the final. I think Kim Vilfort got the 2nd but I'm not sure, in fact I don't think anyone's sure. All we ever remember is John Jensen, of Arsenal infamy, scoring a belter in the first half and some poor German defender trying his damnedest, in vain, to stop the ball from going in. Apparently it was Steffan Effenburg according to Frank Skinner and David Baddiel. As per Skinner and Baddiel's video Jensen was actually a terrible shot (he couldn't hit water in a boat) and football fans had to wait quite a few more years before seeing his next goal. Maybe that's why it sticks out as a memory for me.

Thomas Brolin justifies the BBC's selection of Barry Davies for the England game

"Brolin! Dahlin! Brolin!!!" - 1992
I've said it before and I'll say it again (although I haven't actually said it before on this blog, so this will be news to most of you), when Barry Davies commentates on a sporting event, good things happen e.g. Maradona's wonder goal against England in 1986, Great Britain against West Germany in the Olympic Hockey in 1988 "Where were the Germans?"... Well in 1992 Davies did it again, in England's last game in the competition and Gary Lineker's last ever game for England; Thomas Brolin went on a run and played a short pass into his team mate Martin Dahlin, who instantly flicked it back to him with the outside of his foot, Brolin then curled a first time shot into the top corner of the English goal and we were out. Not our finest hour but definitely one of Davies and the European Championships'. That goal is also on the BBC Euro 92 video above.

Definitely the most exciting thing to happen in Birmingham in the 1990's

Karel Poborsky's ridiculous scoop shot - 1996
I've seen people lobbed millions of times, as a goalkeeper I have been lobbed on a number of occasions, as my friends will happily inform you, I have never seen any player literally scoop the ball straight up in the air and get it to come down under the bar. Quality goal from a quality 90's player.

Davor Suker lobbing Schmiecal - 1996
Suker's lob was more of your conventional lob, what made it memorable for me was that number one it was against Peter Schmeichel who had been one of the stars of the tournament four years before (and had become a household name at Manchester United) and in addition to this it was the first time I'd really seen Davor Suker in action. I remember there being a lot of fuss about him prior to the tournament and in this game he most certainly announced himself at Euro 96 as this goal was the 3rd in a brilliant hat-trick. Love the resigned slump to the ground that Schmeichel does, as if to say, "Oh great! You've lobbed me, we clearly cannot stop you today can we..."

Zinedine Zidane's free kick - 2000
Barring the head-butt in his last ever game, the 2006 World Cup Final, I think it can be said that Zinedine Zidane always popped up when France needed him. Against Spain in the Euro 2000 Quarter Final France most certainly needed him and he delivered as always. I remember watching him bending in a quality free kick, to put France ahead in a pretty tight game, while I was getting ready to go out with my mates on a Sunday evening, a far cry from being allowed to stay up late and watch the Denmark v Holland penalty shoot out.

Figo's goal against England - 2000
In my opinion this is one of the best goals that has been scored at the European Championships, if not the best (yep, better than Gazza and Van Basten). The context of the goal makes it special in itself, England had raced to a two goal lead against the famous Golden Generation Portuguese side. Figo's goal started what was to be a remarkable comeback and one of England's biggest capitulations, they threw the game away quicker than a housewife does the rubbish on Boxing Day morning (is that a good one??). David Seaman didn't even move and I don't blame him, the ball flew in so quickly I think he only relised Figo had scored once England were taking centre. Bravo Luis!

The Coup leaders

Greece - 2004
I still can't believe this even happened! I can remember missing the opening game of the tournament, much to my disgust, as I had to go to Thorpe Parks for a mate's birthday?!? Who goes to Thorpe Park for their 25th?!? Grow up and watch the football! I rushed home expecting to find Portugal 2 or 3 nil up against the Greeks only to find that they had actually just pulled one back to make it 2-1. I remember being out in a bar and seeing Greece were 1 nil up against France and thinking, "Ooooh! They're in trouble now! The French are gonna make them pay..." I also remember... you get the picture, each time I thought, "This is it, the Greeks are out now..." they'd pop up and somehow scrape through, and this was all without the aid of a penalty shoot-out. My fondest memory of the whole thing was going to Southgate, in Enfield, about 30 minutes after they'd lifted the trophy (in case you don't know, Southgate has more Greek inhabitants, well Greek Cypriot, than Greece itself) and being greeted by a scene reminiscent of when an oppressive government, that had been in power for years, is finally overthrown in a coup. I kid you not, there were guys riding on the backs of trucks chanting, I swear at one point somebody fired a Kalashnikov into the air... ok maybe that didn't happen, but there were definitely guys on the backs of trucks.

Petr Cech becoming me for 5 minutes - 2008
Petr Cech is a great goalkeeper, more importantly he's a professional goalkeeper. I am a decent goalkeeper but more importantly I am a decent Sunday League goalkeeper. There is an unwritten rule in football with regards to crossing the ball. Against a professional goalkeeper you DO NOT cross the ball to near to him as her will gobble it up without even breaking sweat and you will have wasted offensive possession of the ball. Against a Sunday League goalkeeper on the other hand, stick it right above him as he's probably still hungover, often carrying a bit of extra weight and therefore not very agile and his hands are probably about as safe as Afghanistan is as a holiday destination, and you never know what'll happen... Back in 2008 against Turkey Petr Cech got confused and assumed the role of a Sunday League goalkeeper (5.08) just to be on the safe side. Turkey, who were heading out, went through and the Czech Republic, who were heading through, went crashing out. And Cech is probably still giving it all of the usual goalkeeping excuses that we Sunday Leaguers use, "It was the wind...", "The ref should have given a foul...", "The sun was in my eyes..."

Holland tearing Italy and France a new one - 2008
I'm aware that both France and Italy had disastrous World Cups and were both back home before you could say "ageing flops" but when Holland were drawn against them at Euro 2008 they were both finalists from the previous World Cup. As a result I did not expect Holland to tear both teams to shreds especially seen as the Dutch, much like the Spanish, had up until recent times flattered to deceive at major international tournaments. Playing pretty football and scoring decent goals then folding faster than an origami artist as soon as they faced decent opposition. To be fair they did mess up in the Quarter Finals against Russia despite their dazzling displays in the group stage but I was very impressed.

So that's it. 10 magical European Championship moments, for anyone who can think of more notable instances that the competition has had in the past 20 years, tough! I am aware that I've not included Gazza's goal against Scotland, McAllister's penalty where the ball moved as he was going to take it, Ibrahimovic's back-heel against Italy in 2004 and his driven shot against Greece in 2008 (both events that ITV refuse to accept even happened), Maniche's goal from the short corner against Holland in 2004, Rooney powering through Croatia, England crumbling AGAIN against France in the last minute in 2004 and the Portuguese goalkeeper Ricardo having the audacity to save Darius Vassel's penalty bare-handed then tuck the winner home seconds later. Fact of the matter is that there have been so many memorable moments in the last 20 years and tons more before then too, that is why I can't wait for next Friday. Bring it on!!