It's over. Was it that bad?

So long to the worst tournament ever! The snoozefest that was Euro 2016. That’s it right? Worst tournament in the history of mankind and the solar system. Worse than Euro 80, which genuinely was the worst in history of mankind, from what I’ve seen of it. Worse than those games of Wembley Doubles at school that never seemed to get past the 2nd round. Worse than Euro 96, which dare I say, wasn’t all that.

Those are the noises coming from the “experts” and from social media, so I suppose it was terrible then. I suppose the 24 team format did ruin it, by letting all and sundry into the competition, to play negative football. I mean take Hungary for example, they definitely didn’t top their group, averaging 2 goals scored a game. They certainly weren’t involved in one of the best games in the tournament, a topsy-turvy shootout with Portugal. The four games they were involved in couldn’t have averaged well over 3 goals per game?

OK so maybe Hungary are an anomaly. What about Iceland? Conquerors of the great England side that went to France. They were negative right? OK so maybe they lined up with a 4-4-2 for their games, but it was a negative one right? I mean let’s forget that they scored in every game they played in; that the 5 games they were involved in yielded 17 goals. They shouldn’t have been there! Diluting the quality of the competition! Sucking all of the entertainment out of it. Let’s hope UEFA see sense and cut Euro 2020 down to just 16 teams. Essentially have less football in a football tournament! Actually why stop at 16. Why don’t we just ask all the experts and Euro 2016 detractors who they think the best two teams in Europe are and they can play a final against each other. Actually scrap the final let’s just have penalties! That way we can get back to the two, alienating cash cows, that are the Premier League and Champions League. Where the same teams do well pretty much every year (Leicester City last year aside). That’s far more entertaining isn’t it.

I’m being silly aren’t I. And I suppose I’m being selective with my examples. For every Hungary and Iceland, Euro 2016 had a Romania, or Sweden, or dare I say Northern Ireland. I agree that Euro 2016 was no classic. It certainly wasn't a patch on the last 24 team tournament I watched, USA 94. But it just wasn’t that bad. What about all the late goals? Payet, winning the opening game with a screamer against Romania. Errrrzil’s ball for Schweinsteiger in the dying seconds of my Ukraine game. Both of the late French goals against Albania. Eder coming to life for all of 30 seconds, to make the difference against Sweden. Northern Ireland putting Ukraine to bed. The Czech Republic coming back from 2 down to draw with, the early darker horses, Croatia. Sturridge snatching us a win against Wales or Milner helping us chuck the Russian game away. And most of all Quaresma marking his rehabilitation into the community with the latest of late winners against the Croats.

There was plenty of drama (and I believe excitement) and the odd spectacular goal. You’ll not see a better bicycle kick than Shaqiri's strike in the last 16 against Poland. Hamsik almost scored one of goals of the tournament against Wales, but denied by a brilliant goal line clearance; he then followed it up with that turn and finish against the Russians. Nainggolan’s goal against Wales seems to have been completely forgotten as Belgium went on to lose the game. As has Modric’s volley against Turkey, because of his early exit. It just wasn’t that bad! I don’t care what Alan Shearer says!

Personally I think the issue is two things. The first being that Portugal, a team nobody liked (not even me), ended up winning the competition. “But they came 3rd in their group...” Newsflash! So did Italy and Argentina in 94 and 90 respectively. It happens. As I mentioned in an earlier post, on top of getting more games, having 24 teams ensures that travesties,  such as teams winning two of their three group games or winning one and drawing the other two but going out,  don't happen.

The second thing being that Euro 2016 was a perfect exhibition of modern day football. Gone are the days of the epic 4-3 quarter final. Football, well successful football, is all about pressing, and running; one up top and playing on the counter. Look at the final. It was basically a carbon copy of the 2010 and 2014 World Cup finals, with different teams. That’s how these big games are decided nowadays. Look at the Copa America final! Since 1990 the losing team in the World Cup final has only scored on one occasion (France in 2006). Before then, the losing team had never failed to score, IN EVERY FINAL! So don’t blame Portugal or having 24 teams for you not witnessing a 1986 World Cup final style game. Blame the incredibly high stakes placed on defeat nowadays due to the amount of money in the game. Blame the exposure that players and coaches from lesser fancied nations will have had to playing against the best, due to factors such as the expansion of the Champions League and the increase in foreign imports in all of Europe’s big domestic leagues. People don’t just naively turn up to be a 1974 Zaire or 1982 El Salvador.

If Euro 2016 didn’t crack up to what you thought it would be, never fear! There’s a third major international tournament this summer. And it’s actually the original one! That’s right the only reason why you have a World Cup or European Championship to moan about is because of the Olympic Football tournament. This predates them both, and it was discussion regarding the eligibility of professionals at the Olympic Football tournament; as well as whether, two time Olympic Champions in the 1920s, Uruguay were the real deal, which lead to the inaugural World Cup being staged in 1930 (same for the European Championship in 1960).

I love the Olympic Football tournament, and have watched each one since Atlanta in 1996. There promises to be some great football on display (well, counter-pressing with one up top). For a start, the likes of Neymar, Marquinhos,  Douglas Costa, Manuel Lanzini (Paolo Dybala and Mauro Icardi were cut from the final 23), the Bender brothers (that’s not a weird WWF tag team) and Max Meyer will be in attendance. Best of all, most of the games are on UK work friendly times. It’s going to be great! I only wish that our FAs would stop being so stubborn, and put together a team GB, that way they could be overhyped then go crashing out amid all manner of excuses and scapegoat. That’s what makes a real tournament.

Anyway, must go. I wrote this sitting on a balcony in Cyprus, keeping an eye on my sleeping son, sweating like Big Sam will be in Qatar, when the press are on his back for continuing to play a 40+ immobile Kevin Nolan and Ricardo Vaz Te in spite of underwhelming results. Oh well, “He’ll keep England up” I suppose...

Everybody hates Cris (and friends)

So it’s all come to a head. The festival of football that we’ve been treated to over the past 30 days ends tonight. And only two teams remain, France and Portugal. The French will be favourites to lift the trophy; they’ve got the best squad and, on top of that, they’re the hosts so they can expect the support of the majority in attendance. But it’s not just the home fans who’ll be behind the French. Everybody hates Portugal!

I get that a lot of people see Portugal and Cristiano Ronaldo as being one and the same, and that a lot of people dislike “CR7”. I get that the Portuguese are very fortunate to have even reached the final, I mean they came third in a pretty average group, without winning a single game (que the anti-24 team competition brigade, FYI I disagree with you), and then found themselves on the easier side of the knockout draw. But the hatred is still a bit disproportionate in my eyes.

You're just a fat Jim Carey! 

I mean they were involved in the best game of the first round, the back and forth goal fest with Hungary. In the same game Ronaldo broke his duck with one of the best goals of the tournament. Yet we still loathe them, and I keep hearing comparisons between them and the Euro 2004 Greek side.

I’d just like to point out that I dislike Portugal as much as the next (non-Portuguese) man. I’m no different to the rest of you. The ideal outcome of tonight’s encounter would be a resounding, but  entertaining, French win. I just can’t think of where it all went wrong?!? I used to love watching Portugal in the days of the “Golden Generation” with Figo, Concecao, Nuno Gomes, Pauleta, Vitor  Bia and Jao (and Sao) Pinto. I also didn’t mind them in the days of Deco, Simao and Maniche.

All I can say is Allez Le Bleus! May the blood of our enemies run through our fields (that’s a national anthem joke by the way)!

Enjoy the final!

Quaresma now gives talks in youth clubs on staying out trouble with the law 

PS remember how Jao Pinto always wore that Robbie Fowler style plaster on his nose, and how Maniche looked like a fat Jim Carey? Also why does Quaresma look like the top man in a Latino gang at an American Super-Max prison? I swear he’s even got tear drops tattooed on his cheek! Is that where he’s been all these years? He was well off the footballing radar for a few years, I’m assuming he’s out on good behavior having renounced his past life and turned his back on Los Zetas.

But England aren't even playing (anymore) - Day 20

I’m still alive, unlike English football. My gap in posting began with me giving it a day or so because I thought I was “saturating the market” and then my hiatus went on and on.

As for England or English football. It’s in the same state it was in 4 years ago. Still trying to convince ourselves that the reason for our abject failure at another tournament was the manager, the cohesion of the players (although we can’t say the Lampard/Gerrard thing now), the referee, penalties, basically the same crap.

As opposed to facing up to the fact that our game isn’t good enough. That we’ve only once ever actually done anything at a major internationally tournament (if that raises an eyebrow, actually look back at our Italia 90 & Euro 96 performances/results). That our Premier League, while fairly strong, contains some absolute dross as well and that none of the truly world class players in it are English. That we’re still tactically inept, because we refuse to believe that we aren’t.

But we’ll never do that. So in 2 years (1 and a half if things get even worse), expect the same post!

More importantly, England's defeat robbed me of the opportunity to hilariously tweet Peter Andre and Kerry Katona telling them that, "Their boys took a hell of a beating!"

I'm off, now. I've got the rest of Poland v Portugal to watch.

This blog post on the subject of England's elimination is worth a read, in my opinion anyway!

Learning French, Fascists and Can somebody PLEASE stitch up Corluka’s head! - Days 7 and 8

Technically I’m keeping up with posting 150 words a day. Combining posts is helping. In my defence I wasn’t around yesterday.

I’ve finally been to a major football tournament! I mean I suppose you could count the Olympic football back in 2012, but it’s not quite the same. Yesterday I went to Toulouse and Saw Italy beat Sweden in one of the most disjointed and uninspiring games of football I’ve ever gone and watched. I’ve come to the conclusion that Italy would be better off with the original Pele and Eder up front even if they’ve both now got a combined age of over 130.

There’s been a lot of focus on fan behaviour (or the lack of it) and the threat of terrorism in France, but what I experienced yesterday was thousands of people of all ages and nationalities coming together to watch a (dire) football match. It was like a McDonalds advert! The only negative element in the crowd were a group of 4 or 5 Italian fans sat 4 rows in front of me, who proceeded to perform fascist salutes during the national anthem.

My initial reaction was, “Oh Lazio Ultras…” I’ve seen a lot regarding their links to the far right. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not silly and I know a little about Italian culture and some of the issues that the country currently faces in terms of ethnicity and attitudes towards it, so I’m aware that this isn’t just a Lazio thing. Additionally I know a little bit about fascism (I have a BA Honours degree in History), its significance in Italian history as well as the relationship that the salute, which was adopted by and has become synonymous with Hitler and the Nazis, has with fascism. As a result I didn’t necessarily think that they were racist or would have a problem with me, but it was definitely eye opening. If anything the fella behind them waiving an Algerian flag, might have drawn more attention.

For the record they were 4 Padova fans and one from Genoa (I’ve done a bit of research and even managed to find them on Facebook).

The real issue yesterday was my ridiculously poor grasp of the French language. I mocked Gary and Phil Neville a few months ago, stereotyping them as your archetypal Brits Abroad, shouting everything in English. I was no better yesterday! I mean obviously I wasn’t shouting in English, refusing to drink the water and insisting on eating chips because they’re “safe”. But I literally couldn’t communicate with any of the locals. It probably didn’t help that with Toulouse, not being a major tourist spot like say Paris, many people there don’t speak any English at all, and don’t need to. The upshot of it all is that I need to learn French, and useful French at that. Thanks to 3 lessons a week, for 3 years in my early teens, the best I can do is tell you my name, ask to borrow your ruler and say that during the summer holidays I went to the swimming pool. I need to sort myself out with regards to the French language. My German, on the other hand, is actually quite good.

Finally, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE STICH UP VEDRUN CORLUKA’S HEAD!! He cannot play another game wrapped in swathes of an array of bandages. At other point yesterday I swear he was wearing a water polo hat?!?

Some more pics from Toulouse...

Will somebody just let me watch the football!! - Days 5 and 6

Why does everybody hate the Sturridge dance? I love it!

It’s a real battle watching major international tournaments these days. I mean when I was a kid I could literally watch EVERY GAME. Maybe not the late ones during USA 94, I recorded them on VHS then played them on fast forward the following day up until each goal, but in other tournaments I was definitely spoilt.

The main problem is work. Especially when they (UEFA & FIFA that is) keep scheduling tournament games for the middle of the working day. I’m not being funny but both federations are pretty money obsessed, hence the choice of Russia and Qatar for the next two World Cups. Have they not worked out that by scheduling games at the best times of the day for the European TV market, they can attract even more advertising money? Stop these bloody 2pm games!

This year I’m missing the 2^nd half of the England Wales game. I know you’re probably saying to yourself, “Well if it was that important to you, why didn’t you take annual leave?” I normally would. In the past I’d never make such a rookie mistake. My holiday form goes in as soon as the draw is made. England games and opening games during working hours are totally out of bounds for work. Not this time. This year I’m moving jobs. I’ve already handed in my notice, as a result I have a reduced allocation of annual leave, and I don’t have any more days left! Arggh!

The tournament has been pretty decent so far. No 0-0’s. And no penalty shoot out’s (I know there haven’t been any knockout games, I’m being silly)! Albania have let me down, well not necessarily let me down but look like they’re going out, contrary to my earlier predictions. But Iceland lived up to the billing I gave them as did Portugal (in a way).

I’m off to Italy v Sweden tomorrow in Toulouse (I’ve probably mentioned it a few times already) and I cannot wait! Zlatan vs Italy!

Oh! And I was on Shoot The Defence again the other night! Thanks again for having me on, even if you did give me a hard time about Payet!

Somebody have a word with Jamie Redknaop! - Day 4

Write off the Italians at your peril. As an avid follower of Serie A, I had been saying for weeks that they wouldn’t amount to anything at this year’s tournament. The Injuries to their best two midfielders; lack of a decent striker (Why?!? Oh why?!? Did Conte not take Giuseppe Rossi?); and the performance at the last World Cup. It all spelt early exit to me. What do I know?!

I’ll tell you what I do know! Belgium are decent, but they’re nowhere near as good as everyone makes out. And I thought that before last night. In England people only rate the Belgians because they know all of their players due to the majority of the playing in The Best League in the World.™* I cannot for the life of me understand how they are ranked 2^nd in the World? Did FIFA just ask Jamie Redknapp for his views?

Speaking of overrated, Portugal are on tonight…!

*Most competitive league in the world at times when it’s obvious that the standard is pretty average e.g. after an early Champions/Europa League exit**

**This isn’t counting towards the 150 word limit by the way!***

***Neither is that…

Sorry non-football fans - Day 3

In all of the giddiness that has taken over in the last few days it has completely passed me by that Brazil were eliminated from the Copa America! IN THE GROUP STAGE! Despite them taking a pretty strong squad and thumping Haiti 7-1 the other night.

This is the thing when a major tournament is on. Everything else stops, even caring for other football. Major Tournaments do actually make me feel sorry for those who don’t like football. I’m sure that they couldn’t give a toss and that they might find my “pity” patronising. But what do they have?

I genuinely woke up on Friday morning feeling like a kid at Christmas. Last night, rather than thinking, “Urgh I hate Sunday nights...” it was, “Great! It’s Germany v Ukraine…”. Same for today, there was no, “Urgh! Monday morning...!” For today is an opportunity to watch Spain, Zlatan and Italy!

Much like Christmas as a kid, a major European tournament has no weekdays or weekends. For about a month, life just isn’t the same!

Day 2 - Euro 2016 the ultimate 80s tournament

Fantastic free kick from Dier

We’ve been transported back in time to the 1980s for this year’s tournament! There are other British teams that have qualified (well done Wales, beating Slovakia, even if you messed my bet up); the tournament has 24 teams in it; and England fans are endearing themselves to the locals by smashing the place up and fighting anything that moves! Excellent!

I’m aware that Russian fans were as much to blame for some of yesterday’s scenes; and that innocent England fans were charged at by Russians at the end of our game. But if you’re a fan that goes to any game and causes trouble, especially with people that are just minding their own business, I think you’re a knuckle dragging moron! Sorry! Those days should be well behind us, why are people so retarded?! Just enjoy the football for f*ck sake!

Anyway. We drew. With a very average Russian side. I feel like even I may have been suckered into thinking England are better than they actually are this year!

Shout out to Albania, who look as good as I'd expected!

2016 European World Cup - day 1

Right here’s the deal. I aim to post every day during this year’s tournament, but each post will be under 100 words  (with the exception of maybe a special post here and there). I've unsuccessfully tried to impose word limits in the past. Currently unnecessarily eating into today’s! Eeeek!

Yesterday France won, everyone expected that.

More importantly we saw ITV’s opening credits for the first time. This is the one thing they normally always trump BBC at (except for in 2004, when the BBC had Basement Jaxx). If only they invested as much in their commentary teams!

Not sure what I think of this year’s. The animations are great but the tune isn’t THAT catchy. Not like their last two world cup themes or Italia 90/USA 94.

Yes I genuinely obsess over these things. I love major tournaments!

That’s 135! Arggh! Make it 150! Now I’ve got loads to play with... La La La!

Twas The Night Before Christmas...

I’m excited! There are less than 24 hours to go! I’m doing all I can to temper my anticipation. I watched Pescara v Trapani a few days ago (the first leg of the Serie B playoff final). It was like one of those moments that alcoholics recount in AA meetings, where they identify that they’ve hit rock bottom. “There was this one night, when I dug out a stream of Pescara v Trapani on the laptop. Filled my computer with viruses, but I didn’t care at the time. I just needed another hit. I needed to hear another ‘peep’ of a referees whistle. To see another player waive an imaginary card...” I jest. I wouldn’t actually normally watch the Serie B playoffs, honestly, not even me! It's Pescara being in them that made me tune in (they were in them last year too actually). They’re kinda my team in Italy. I used to follow Sampdoria, and still kind of do, largely due to the days when they had Gullit and Vialli. But despite them not being up to much since the early 1990s, I felt like that was a bit of a kop out. They were too good. Too big. I mean they’ve been in a Champions League final! I don’t root for teams that get to Champions League finals! It’s just not football! Not for 99% of the teams out there. Football is about disappointment. Not glory. Anguish! The struggle. Those fleeting moments of joy, which get your hopes up, but are ultimately followed by years of dismay. And that’s Pescara down to a tee. In the one season I followed them in Serie A they finished bottom, 8 points adrift of the next team up, 16 from safety, with just 6 wins and 4 draws to their name. That’s the sort of team I want to follow!

Away from the domestic football, which just won’t go away and accept that we’re not interested. The build up to Euro 2016 is almost over. There have been all the friendlies on TV, which has lead to the England hype machine being ramped up (saying that I think we’re better than we’ve been in years), and there’s also been the Copa America. Once again, much like the aforementioned Pescara game, I’ve found myself tuning in to dodgy streams. Predominantly with Spanish commentary, which I have to say makes the whole thing seem more exciting. This is because, for some reason no British TV channels have picked up this year’s tournament, in spite of its expanded format and significance. I managed to see the first half of Venezuela v Costa Rica the other day; like I said I think the commentary probably made it seem far more exciting than it actually was in reality. Other than that I’ve largely been relegated to watching highlights on my phone every morning, due to the absurd kick off times. Why can’t they just play in the middle of the day like they did in USA 94?

I missed Brazil battering Haiti last night, I’m assuming the result makes the current Brazilian side better than the 1974 Italian team. I love their goal (3:20) just because of the astonished star jump celebration that the member of the coaching staff does on the sideline. There was none of that last night! Haiti were on the receiving end of a mauling.

What caught my eye was the performance of the new Brazilian wonder kid Gabriel. I don’t know much about him, other than that he was good on FIFA 14 when he was like 16. But the bits I saw of him were impressive. He scored a good goal and came close to adding to his tally later on. That being said, I’m not sure he could ever live up to the great Brazilian striker Ronaldo. Not in my eyes anyway! Ronaldo is my joint favourite player ever (with Maradona and closely followed by Alessandro Del Piero). They guy was just unreal! Imagine a player with the skill of any of the world’s best number 10s, the pace of a dangerous winger and the finishing of any of the world’s most deadliest strikers.

Anyway, enough going on about Ronaldo, he’s not European. And he won’t be playing at the European World Cup. 24 teams, 30 days, one trophy. Before I go I want to touch on one thing. 24 teams. What is everyone's problem with 24 teams? I keep hearing, “They’ve messed it up... ...how will it even work?” Nothing has been “Messed up”. 24 teams is perfect. Allowing the best 3rd placed team to go through to the 2nd round means we won’t be robbed of anyone decent who is unlucky enough to fall foul of the quirks of a four team group where only two go through. If you don’t know what I mean, just consider this, it’s possible to finish 3rd in a 4 team group despite winning 2 of their 3 games. If you think that’ll never happen, see Argentina, Nigeria and Bulgaria or Holland Belgium and Saudi Arabia in 1994. It’s also possible to finish 3rd despite being unbeatable and winning at least one of your games, see Italy, Denmark and Sweden in Euro 2004! The team that lost out in that situation won the World Cup 2 years later, so their elimination was hardly a reflection of their ineptitude! Finally if you're over 33 and you can’t remember a World Cup with 24 teams, shame on you!! Especially if you’re a journalist, yep I’ve seen or heard well respected journalists talk about how confused they are with the 24 team format. I expect you to have at least have seen USA 94! If not Italia 90 and Mexico 86 (if you’re old enough). The fact of the matter is 2 or 3 of the finest World Cups in the colour television era have been 24 team tournaments.
IT WORKS! Stop trying to dampen my excitement or taint my rose-tinted childhood memories!

Anyway, I’m off! Pescara have just drawn the 2nd leg and will play in Serie A next year (it's taken me that long to write this)! I need to get to bed else Michel Platini won’t come down my chimney tonight and deliver me the penalty shootout/0-0 draw free tournament that I crave!

Hope he likes minced pies...