We Should Have Been Watching A World Cup

I'm a World Cup addict.

I've probably mentioned it on here before.

I can identify most World Cups, barring say 1930-38 when it's all a bit grainy, from either still or video footage.

I've done every quiz going and can identify when the likes of Haiti, Zaire, Israel, Cuba and Iraq made their sole appearances.

I have a social blackout during the World Cup (this is genuinely true, ask my Wife if you know her), where I will almost certainly refuse to attend social event during a tournament, no matter how seemingly important. See the title of my blog...

I've taught my eldest Son, who appears to be pretty interested the story of the World Cup from 1930 up to 1974 at present, on our walk to school in the morning. He can explain the significance of the Maracanazo, to the point that he knows THE GAME WAS NOT A FINAL (it irks me when people call it that), and he knows that Pele watched his dad crying that day and vowed to win him the tournament when he grew up. 

I've even tried to explain the likes of Garrincha and Maradona in the most PG way possible, although his learning hasn't reached the 1980's so we've only briefly touched on Maradona.

I'm f**king obsessed! And as a result will almost certainly be watching this year's tournament, in spite of the glaringly bad human rights abuses happening in Qatar to make it happen. I'm sorry. I fully understand that it makes me an absolute hypocrite, cos if you follow me on Twitter you'll see that I'm all fairness and equality,  but even heroes have flaws... OK I'm not a hero, unless you need someone to explain the Adidas' role in enabling the West German side to win the 1954 final against the much fancied Hungarians in a downpour i.e. "Fritz Walter weather". Then I'm a hero!

In all seriousness though, I genuinely totally get it. But it's my one vice in life. I genuinely think I could give up watching West Ham, and yes it would be a struggle, but I couldn't the World Cup or it's little brother/sister the European Championship. I can't even bring myself to say the phrase "The Euros" *insert vomit emoji*.

Long and short is I will be watching this year, as I've done every summer from 1990 up until 2018. But that's the problem; or another, granted way more trivial, problem. It should be on now!

We should be at the back end of the tournament now. Somewhere around the Semi-Finals or Quarter-Finals depending on the edition. I'm thinking it'd be Semi-Finals, potentially even finished if we're talking Mexico 86 or Korea/Japan 02 which both started around the end of May. But Quarter-Finals if we're looking at something like USA 94, which started deeper into the latter part of June!

That's how much of a f**king geek (loser) I am. And that's how much I'm missing this year's tournament.

We should be watching Brazil abjectly crash out at the hands of a more organised European foe at this point, posing the question as to whether anyone outside of Europe will ever challenge our giants again.

Speaking of outside of Europe, statistically this would be where you see the last remaining African side knocked out of the competition. Full of patronising praise from the commentary teams and with stars destined for big money moves to Bolton, or whoever are mid noughties Bolton now, which invariably won't work out.

We should be watching the Germans steadily making their way towards the Semis, last tournament aside.

And the English, either out early or alongside their European neighbours, surrounded by a lack of self awareness and hubris from within the nation that doesn't see how bad we've been in any case (and I include 1990 and 2018 in that by the way, happy to debate anyone).

We should be watching a World Cup!

But we're not thanks to FIFA's greed so I'm going to watch the Women's Euros 🤮from tomorrow onwards. And you should too!

Diego Armando Maradona and the World Cup - 10 Things

He's my second favourite player of all time just ahead of Alessandro Del Piero and behind the Ronaldo (not that Portuguese guy). It's pretty impossible not synonamise Diego Maradona with the World Cup and Argentina's performances in the competition; whether it be from the perspective of a prodigious youngster not taken to the tournament, an influential captain dragging them through, or a past it lunatic ranting at another failed campaign. In a World Cup context we've been aware of Maradona's presence for 40 years now.

"So what are the ten things you remember of Maradona from the World Cup Travis?" I hear you ask. Well...

1. Squaring up to the whole Belgian defence in 1982
It's since been debunked as a trick of the camera. If you've not seen it before, this is basically an image of Maradona, ball at his feet, with 6 Belgians (in that wonderful Belgium 1982 kit) in his way, poised to go on another one of those runs.

What's actually happened is that the ball has dropped to his feet from a free kick on the edge of the box, hence everyone is behind the ball. I'm not even sure anything came of that particular situation, but because of his heroics 4 years later we've created this fantasy of him running through the scared Belgians. The reality is that Maradona and Argentina were thoroughly disappointing both in that game and in Spain in 1982.

2. Kung-fu kicking that Brazilian dude
As said in memory number 1, Maradona and Argentina were disappointing in 1982, Messi-like if you will ("shots fired"). After creeping out of their first round group they found themselves in a second group with perennial World Cup powerhouses Brazil and Italy.

Needless to say an Argentina pre the mystique created in 1986 were no match for either and Maradona was singled out for some "Special" treatment by both sides. Once the defending champions were 3-0 down and already eliminated from the tournament Maradona decided to exact his revenge in the only way he knew how...

3. That ball for Caniggia against Brazil
By 1990 Maradona was a fully bona-fide World Cup legend but, unfortunately for him, Argentina were a spent force. They would go on to reach the final under his steam, with Maradona's highlight of the tournament being a move where he rolled back the years showing the strength to hold off two Brazilian defenders, while threading the most irresistible through ball for Cannigia to run on to and round Taffarel. Ouuff!!

4. The terrible penalty against Yugoslavia
By 1990 the sheen was starting to fade on our legend. Sure he was still capable of producing moments like that ball against Brazil, but Maradona was carrying a bit of weight and was most certainly not capable of performing the same heroics as he'd done 4 years earlier in the Mexican heat. If ever there was evidence of his mortality it would be his pitiful penalty in the shootout with Yugoslavia. It's almost as if he thought he'd score just because he was "Maradona". Luckily Goyacachea was on hand to bail him out with a string of saves that set up a semifinal showdown with the hosts Italy.

5. Trying to turn Naples against Italy
It was a bold move! But nothing was considered too bold by Diego.

"Neapolitans you shouldn’t forget that in Italy they do not consider you to be Italians. The country comes and asks for your support for just one day of the year, and for the other 364 they’ll call you Africans."

It almost worked, according to some sources there were pockets of the crowd who weren't as hostile to their Argentinian visitors. Ultimately the battle was won anyway, Italy conceded their first goal of the tournament and subsequently lost the penalty shootout at the end of the game, this time Maradona taking his spot kick a little more seriously.

6. That goal against Greece
I remember rushing home from school to see this one and I wasn't disappointed. Argentina put Greece to the sword with Batistuta scoring a hattrick. But Diego stole the show with a thunderous left foot drive into the top corner, followed by that celebration where he looked possessed. There was still life left in the old dog!

7. His performance against Nigeria
I feel like Maradona doesn't get much credit for this performance, maybe that's because he subsequently failed a drug test at the end of the game. But his influence on the team, now aged 33, should not be downplayed. Especially in the group match against Nigeria. Argentina found themselves a goal down against an exciting attacking side that would beat them 2 years later on the way to winning the Olympics.

Then up steps Diego. First he's involved in an inventive free kick that the Nigerian goalkeeper spills enabling the equaliser. Then he plays a perfectly weighted quick free kick into the path of his old pal Caniggia to set up the winner. While it was then discovered that he'd failed a drugs test, it can be argued no performance enhancing drug can help you have that awareness or deft of touch to be able to play that killer ball for Caniggia, so this is going down as another display of genius for me.

8. Sitting in the stands like a spectre hanging over the modern day team
In my opinion Argentina have never gotten over Maradona leaving the side. Its no coincidence that they haven't won a major international competition since 1993 i.e. In the post-Maradona era. There's the whole "New Maradona" thing but I also think that the very fact that he can often be found somewhere in the ground during modern day Argentina World Cup matches (even in the dugout for a brief unsuccessful spell) has a negative effect on the team.

While he is quick to praise and celebrate, I can never forget the camera panning to him as he did that weird thing with his hands after that goal against Serbia (and Montenegro?) in 2006, Diego always has to chuck in his two cents when things aren't going so well. I'm sure we'll see him again this year.

1986
Right I've purposely left this bit, the best bit, for the end. Mexico 86 is Diego Maradona! It's where the legend is born. Where he cemented his place as the best ever, in my opinion (and many others).

9. Mexico 86 outside of the England game
Before we get into that game I think a point needs to be made of his other performances on, and off, the field in this tournament. In the group phase Maradona shows glimpses of what is to come in the game against South Korea; as do the Koreans who kick lumps out of him at every opportunity.

Against Belgium, probably still on a high from the England Quarter Final, he scores two great goals, one another mazy solo dribble with an explosive finish.

It's always said that Maradona was quiet in the final, as the West Germans had deployed Matthäus to man mark him for the whole game. But he still gets enough time and space to play the perfectly weighted through ball that enables Burochaga to score the match winning goal. So not that quiet then.

Aside from all this though. One of my favourite clips of Maradona in 1986 isn't actually of him playing football. As I said earlier Mexico 86 was his tournament both on and off the field. And we get to see how much of a bond he has with his team mates, as their captain too, when Maradona leads the dressing rooms in a rendition of...

"Argentina's going to be Champions! 
We dedicate this to you all, even the f***ing whores who gave birth to you."

An adapted song from the terraces. Aimed at the journalists back home who had slammed the team after an indifferent qualification campaign.

Expletives aside, I've always pointed to this clip as one of the fundamental things that separates Diego from Lionel Messi, who is as technically gifted as Maradona, but is often described as aloof and out of touch with the people of Argentina. In my opinion as a captain you win with the team, lose with the team and sing with it!

10. England
This is probably the first thing that sprang to mind when you read the title of this blog post. Maradona is both famous and infamous for the role he played in the Quarter Final against England.

If you've been living under a rock, or aren't English (and have been living behind a rock) you may not have heard about Maradona's contraversial Hand Of God goal, which often leads us in England to dismiss him as a cheat and gloss over his achievements when considering him up against the other greats in the history of the game.

Here's the thing though we, well not you and I, Terry Fenwick (unless Terry Fenwick is reading this, in that case you) spent the whole game kicking Maradona up in the air every time he got a sniff of the ball. We were no angels.

Also even the move for the illegal goal was brilliant. There's a little one two between Maradona and a team mate and then the ball is ricocheted up into the box and even then Diego has no right to win the ball. Even with his hand. Or with his hand close to his head, thus giving the impression he'd actually headed the ball in. Where was Shilton?

OK so you're not buying that because you're too hurt to forgive him even after 32 years, but you have to accept that the second goal is testament to the man's genius. Maradona spins away from Hoddle deep in his own half and then 20 seconds later he's rolled the ball in after going round Shilton. The goal gives me goosebumps every time I see it. It's just outstanding!

For me Maradona will always be a devisive character, a true example of a flawed genius. Whether you remember him for being the size of a house until he got his stomach stapled, hosting bizarre chat shows, ball juggling warm-ups, being led away to that infamous drugs test holding the nurse's hand (?!?) or being that kid in the grainy black and white footage scoring goals for Argentinos Junios against fully grown adults, it cannot be denied that he has made a lasting (and generally positive) impression on the World Cup.

Thanks Diego, I understand you!

ANNOUNCE! Part II - "It was better in my day" - The changing face of the FIFA World Cup

I'd kind of thought about doing something like this for a while, then came yesterday's announcement of the England squad.

Quite often I hark back to a simpler time, either on here or on twitter (*cough* @ntrav99), when football was less commercially savy. When games kicked off at 3pm on a Saturday. When drawn matches went to replays and managers tried to win every competition that they were in; and the main prize wasn't qualifying for a competition that you have no hope of winning, just because of what it did to your bank balance. A time when we rarely knew who owned clubs let alone, who was heading up their "Commercial Strategy"; when the only sponsor that could be seen was the one across the team's chest (who the f*ck sponsors a training kit?!) and Barcelona didn't even have one!

I'm not the only person who has these nostalgic views (I think all the above is bad by the way), in my quest for World Cup related material in the run up to this year's tournament, the irony being that most of this stuff wouldn't have been around back in the day when things were "better", I've heard many a well respected journalist refer to an age where we went into tournaments not knowing any of the players. Being surprised when that Hagi that you'd heard of, but never seen beyond a 20 second clip of him in qualifying, actually turned out to be the real deal.

For me it's kind of a phenomenon that is at odds with itself. I love the fact that nowadays there are so many media sources where I can read about a watch previous World Cup tournaments, but then I do think that life, or should I say the tournament, was probably more interesting and definitely more innocent when you had next to nothing going into it. In the past the World Cup created it's own interest, it didn't need to be slick or well presented to thrive. There was no goal music in the stadium or television cameras that spiral zoomed into the centre circle seconds before kick off.

I suppose there needs to be a balance in terms of the polish. There must be some. I definitely don't want completely to go back in the direction of the early tournaments in terms of presentation. You had 1950, which could have actually been held in 1949 (what?) and consisted of a number of lop sided groups, some with as few as two teams, others with a full compliment of four. You've also got 1954 where the teams didn't even all play eachother in the group phase? The 2 seeds played the 2 "Minows" and that was it.

We also have the 1974, 78 & 82 where FIFA decided to do away with a knock out phase and have a 2nd round of group games?! Although I suppose it meant no penalty shootouts (except for France v Germany in 82). It says a lot about how much FIFA have got their sh*t in order that the current format of the tournament is the longest used by a mile. That of course was until FIFA went too far again and, in the pursuit of more votes from the Football Associations and money from the sponsors that would both benefit from more teams being in the tournament, decided that we would see an expansion to 48 teams in 2026.

It's not just FIFA that are at it. What the hell was that England squad announcement video yesterday? At first I thought, "Hmmmm, this is quite cool and different..." but then it turned into, "What's wrong with a good old fashioned list submitted to the press, which can then be read out?" It just feels like everyone is trying to "out-market" eachother.

I think what I'm saying is that I'd like the World Cup to be on a loop of 1986 to 94; with that 24 team format that we're now using for the European Championship (see I resisted the urge to call it the "European World Cup")! Can we do that...?

You Come At The Kings, You Best Not Miss...

You'd think that this would be the case with the reigning World Champions, but in most cases World Title defences go out with a damp squib. In fact only two sides have successfully defended the World Cup and only one other has made the final.

So what has happened when people have Come At The Kings?

Well 1934 wasn't a great start! You've got to at least turn up if you want to defend the title. I can understand the South Americans not turning up in 38 when the tournament was held in Europe again but Uruguay should really have at least tried to go to Italy!

Their argument was that the Europeans had stayed away in 1930 so they were going to do the same, but the Belgians, Romanians, French and Yugoslavs had made that journey. The US travelled across the Atlantic to get pumped 7-1 by the hosts in a one off Knockout game! "Thanks for coming! Close the door on your way out...!" That's actually not 100% accurate. The Americans actually played Mexico in a one off qualifier in Rome  days before the tournament. So they at least played two games (unlike the poor Mexicans), even if they were sent home early in no uncertain terms. Poor form Uruguay!

1938 is one of the two occasions where the holders actually showed their supremacy. The Italians came through another straight knockout tournament in Europe. You can bet your life no Uruguayans went and got their passports renewed in preperation, same went for Argentina. They were outraged that the tournament hadn't gone back to South America. Of course Brazil were there, haplessly conspiring to ruin their chances of winning the things; resting the tournament's star player in the Semi Final at a time that there were no substitutes.

Any chance of the Italians coming out fighting in 1950 were hampered by two things. War (What's it good for? Absolutely nothing! Say it again...)*, which denied Argentina the right to host the tournament in 1942, not sure they'd have been up for the boat trip anyway considering general aversion to crossing the Atlantic back then. What's wrong with you guys?! Forget the 6 week journey, it's a World Cup! You can be a part of history! Think Barry Davies, Mexico 86, They think it's all over and all that...!

The second factor being the Superga Air Crash, which killed Il Grande Torino, the legendary Torino side who one back to back titles for 5 years straight; and made up the majority of the Italian national team. As a result of the tragedy, the reigning champs, who became the first to actually bother coming to the other side of the world to defend the World Cup, travelled by boat (Dennis Bergkamp style) while the rest of the competitors flew. And were knackered and relatively unfit by the time they arrived in Braaaaaasiw.

1954 saw the first proper attempt at a defence of the title from the Champs. I say this because by that point everybody had started to get the World Cup bug, I mean we were still a few years away from Barry Davies and BBC goal of the Tournament competitions set to naff (but nostalgically warming) soundtracks and graphics, but England were playing! And people were flying and resultantly prepared to cross the Atlantic.

Uruguay, the other half of the duopoly that dominated the World Cup when it came to actually winning the trophy (and not resting your best player in the Semi, declaring yourselves Champions prematurely or annexing your neighbours and trying to ride their coat tails or just not turning up because you think it's all beneath you), made it to the Quarter Finals dispatching of us along the way.

The only real thing to note from their title defence is their ill tempered defeat, later dubbed "The Battle of Bern" in which they were eliminated by the team considered the best in the World at the time, eventual losing finalists Hungary. Apparently tempers boiled over so much that a brawl kicked off in the tunnel and the changing rooms after the match, with the police having to step in.

I actually don't know much of what happened to the Germans in 1958. If memory serves me correctly they came 4th and Juste Fontaine scored 73 goals against them in the playoff (may have been 4). West Germany became the first team other than Uruguay and Italy to win the World Cup when they beat the Hungarians in the rain in Switzerland four years earlier. They couldn't repeat the feat in Sweden  probably partly down to the fact that they hadn't become the fearsome footballing nation that we are all familiar with nowadays (obviously there were no penalties back then either).

In Chile in 1962, one of the most seemingly mundane World Cups in my opinion (obviously after Italia 90, nothing was as drab as the penalty shoot out fest that was Italia 90), Braaaaaasiw unremarkably became the second, and last, team to successfully defend their title. And did it without Pele, one of the many reasons why I think Maradona was better (but that's for another day). Instead they had the goat sh*gging, mother in law killing, alcoholic, genius that was Garrincha to thank.

By 1966 Garrincha was on the decline and Pele had bottled it on the big stage again! I jest (again). As a result the Braaaaaasiwians (that's probably what Roy Hodgson actually calls them) were unceremoniously dumped out of the competition in the first round.

In the technicolor Mexican sun it was our turn to defend the trophy. And we did so without any hiccups, hence we now have two stars above our badge... If only!

What actually happened was our Captain got arrested for jewellery theft and our striker was carried off of an aeroplane on suspicion of being blind drunk on the eve of the tournament. Then our manager offended the locals, our best goalkeeper got food poisoning and his replacement had a howler a quarter final where we surrendered a 2 goal lead and were knocked out. Pretty successful campaign if you ask me!

If you think that was bad, Braaaaaasiw went from being that famous, "Here comes Carlos Alberto on the right...!" team in 1970 to a replica of Billy Bremner's Leeds side of the 70s, four years later in West Germany. I suppose they did still field a slightly overweight looking Rivelinho, but as you can imagine it wasn't the same. The mantle of "Entertainers" was passed on to Johan Cruyff's Dutch side.

In Argentina West Germany were apparently shockingly bad. Although they still made the second group stage, OBVIOUSLY. A bad German side is the equivalent of a good every other nation, while unspectacular it wasn't the worst title defence ever.

Argentina also disappointed four years later in Spain, despite having a young Diego Maradona in the side (the actual GOAT**). One thing that I hadn't appreciated, being 1 at the time of the tournament (don't worry I'm not going to start that again) was that the television station at the time refused to air the opening game of the tournament between the Champs Argentina and Belgium. Which the Argentinians failed to win (is it "Argentinians" or "Argentines"?).

Turns out Maradona's lot weren't so great away from South America, without President Vidiela paying opposing players a visit before key games. The Argentines/Argentinians had a stinker in 82 eventually limping out in the second group stage, with Maradona being sent off in a key game for retaliation to some of the "special attention" he'd been receiving from opposing defenders. This did at least set up the showdown of the tournament between the free scoring  free flowing Braaaaaasiw and the pragmatic slow starters (TM) Italy,  which the Italian's (or is it Italianians, kidding) eventually won. Probably the last we'd see of that young upstart Maradona...

From what I've seen we should always host the World Cup in North or Central America. 1970 looked great; 94 was/is my favourite tournament, bar the final; and 1986, the competition's second visit to Mexico, was an excellent colourful tournament full of exciting players and teams. Except for the holders the Italianians! So much so that I can barely remember what happened to them in the Mexican heat, it was that underwhelming!

From what I recall there was a game against South Korea? That might have been the tournament opener? And there was a game against the Argentine/Argentinians. Then they were eventually eliminated by the French (reigning European World Cup Champions of the Galaxy) in the second round. They'd have had to play Braaaaaasiw in the Quarter Finals anyway ...

Come 1990 the jig was well and truly up for Maradona and Argentina. Considering this was the first World Cup I watched, I can remember being thoroughly disappointed with them from the moment Benjamin Messing lost his boot trying to kick Caniggia into a pulp; through scraping past the USSR (they'd have gone out in the groups had it been the current 32 team format); Maradona's one moment of genius in the game against Braaaaaasiw, amid rumours that they drugged Branco; the penalties that saw off both the Yugoslavianians (I'm messing) and Italy; and that final! The worst World Cup final I've seen (and bear in mind all of the others that I didn't see live seemed to have been better).

But believe it or not, it would turn out that Argentina in 1990 aren't even the worst Champs I've seen in the 8 tournaments I've watched!

Germany weren't great in 1994. But then they're Germany, so that equated to a quarter final exit! Klinsmann did score a quality volley that he set up for himself against South Korea and they did take part in an entertaining 2nd round win over Belgium, which I missed because I was at Butlins (that's another story for another day). But Germany only put up slightly more of a fight than Argentina had 4 years earlier.

Braaaaaasiw in 1998 were probably the best ever reigning champions I've witnessed. For a start they had that Nike advert in the airport, that was worth a Semi Final place on its own. In all seriousness though  they were powered by the best player in the world at the time. Kids imagine Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo actually turned up at a big tournament and replicated what they do to Leganes and Sporting Hee Haw against decent teams... That's Ronaldo in 1998! The man was unstoppable! Except for the whole having a seizure hours before the final.

People talk about Zidane at France 98 but the reality was he only really stood out in the final. The French team is revered in hindsight, whereas Braaaaaasiw were feared, even Denilson!

We got to see the real France in Korea/Japan. Heavily reliant on an injured, and now probably the best in the world, Zidane. For me the best France team I've seen at the World Cup was the 06 lot, who basically tuned up for one last hurrah and came very close to winning the thing. The 02 iteration of the side didn't come near their level, despite being World and European World Cup of the Solar System & Galaxy Champions (I really need to stop with that joke  its been six years!).

Have you ever watched Every Which Way But Loose? Quick synopsis, if you never had ITV during the 1990s. Clint Eastwood is this Street Fighting Prize Fighter who gets his head turned by a pretty country singer he meets in a bar, while he's travelling the country in search of a fight with this legendary street fighter called "Tank Murdoch". At the end of the film he finally gets his fight with a very washed up and out of shape "Tank" but he loses to him, despite dominating the fight, either because the girl is in his head or because he sees that beating "Tank Murdoch" will send him down a similar path as the washed up folk legend that's he's pummelling... Brazil in 2006 were Tank Murdoch!

As much as I love Ronaldo (he's my joint favourite player of all time with Maradona), he just wasn't the electric forward that we saw in 98 or the the lethal finisher that bagged eight in 2002. He kind of walked around the pitch with his hands on his hips, looking like he was in the sort of shape I'd be in if chucked on to a field of Professional Footballers aged 28 (still managed to score this CLASSIC Ronaldo goal against Ghana in the last 16).

Then you had Ronaldinho, he'd graced 02 as part of the "3 R's" attack and was coming off the back of a monster season with Barcelona where he'd won the Champions League and been applauded at the Bernebau after taking Real Madrid apart. But 2006 looked a tournament too much for him despite the bucktoothed, Jerry Curled maestro only being 25/26 at the time.

Roberto Carlos lacked the agility to be as cavalier as he had been in the last two tournaments, and ended up looking like a lost fullback in a pub team (Especially in the defeat against France)! Even Adriano, who was given a shot power of 138,262,937 out of 99 on that year's Pro Evolution soccer disappointed.

It was a sad end to an era of Braaaaaasiwian dominance that had effectively lasted 12 years from the Romario/Bebeto team that was successful in the US.

If Braaaaaasiw were bad I'm not sure what adjective I'd use to describe the next two title defenses that were to come. Granted the Italians in 2010 were unlucky to lose Buffon to injury but they still should have qualified from a group containing Paraguay, New Zealand and Slovakia. The Italian's only achievement of note was a lovely chipped finish from Quagliarella in a frantic 3-2 defeat to the Slovakians. That and their reaffirmation of the "slow starting Italy" stereotype that is lazily rolled out by every pundit on UK television (at least we won't hear that one this year).

Finally we have Spain. Who'd have thought they would have continued trend that has seen 3 of the last 4 World Champions perish in the Group Stage of the following tournament. I blame their signing up of the Diego Costa, a man I recently (correctly) proclaimed to be the King of Shithousery, for a tournament which was to be held in his country of birth (I mean even that is trolling in my eyes)! Things rapidly went down hill for the Spanish (or is it Spaniards ...) and they found themselves dethroned after just two games, much to the delight of that old dude (who I'm assuming was Braaaaaasiwian) with the "Adios Spana" sign. Was that written on a tablet or did I imagine that? If it was, what a time to be alive!

I think what my ramblings will teach you is that one tournament's champion is so often another's laughing stock. Be it washed up has beens, cocky trolls or a bunch of Joga Bontians turned into Stoke! Four years is a long time, especially in a sport so heavily reliant on athleticism and current mental state. Look out Germany...!


*I jest, briefly. As someone with a history degree who has studied the first and second world wars, their causes and effects I'm conscious of trivialising them!

**See I'm down with the kids!

The State of Football/Cricket March 2018 - West Ham, Smith and the World Cup

I'm back! Yeah yeah  I know... Not even going to apologise or make any excuses, life's busy!

So much is happening at the moment on and off the pitch. Where do I start? I'll save the best til last i.e. La Coupé de Monde! Die Weltmeisterschaft! You know that thing. The month's escape from normal life! The vain attempt to relive summers gone (basically 90 and 94 for me)! THAT! Like I said that comes later.

First, life! Well not life, day to day sport. Mundanity. Is that a word? It should be! I've just invented a word! Take that Ms Kanarak! Told you my English would get me somewhere! A blog about football read by a couple of hundred/maybe thousand people on the internet! Who's the English failure now eh?*

Anyway as I was saying, first every day football and my club West Ham in particular. I actually started writing this the other day on my commute to and from work, and I had reams and reams on the broken promises and outright lies of our board coupled with their expectation that we keep putting our hands in our pockets paying for a Champions League team yet getting a Championship response from the owners.

On top of this I had an anecdote of how I'd given mine and my son's tickets away for yesterday's game, and upgraded my son's to an adult to find, to my horror/disgust that we were charging £38 to upgrade a child's ticket (so how much is the full ticket?) to a relegation 6 pointer!

I decided to omit the bulk of this rant because I don't want to be too negative after yesterday's result; but at the same time the win against Southampton changes nothing in my opinion. The unrest at Burnley wasn't about the result and had been a long time coming, the Porn Barrons (or Smut Peddlers as my mates in one WhatsApp group refer to them) need to do a lot to win me and a lot of other fans back!

Moving on from West Ham I want to briefly discuss cricket. Yeah I do that on here every now and then. Cricket is my second favourite sport, seen as I no longer have an interest in F1 (it's gotten silly/predictable/boring). So last week it came to light that Cameron Bancroft was cheating in the 3rd Test against South Africa. To those of you not that familiar with our national summer sport, Bancroft was essentially scuffing up one side of the ball in order to aid its,  sometimes unpredictable, deviation while in mid air. This makes it harder for the opposition batsmen to hit it, increasing their chances of getting out. That's all you're getting in terms of an explanation from me, there's not much more to it to be fair, despite all the diagrams floating around from the  part time Physicists on social media.

There seems to be fair few cricket fans out there with short/selective memories and an inflated sense of moral fibre. While Smith was found guilty of cheating; he wasn't actually was he, he was found guilty of allowing it to happen or being complicit in Bancroft's actions; regardless while he was found guilty of cheating, the reaction has been nothing short of ridiculous.

The press chasing him through airports, the tearful interviews resembling that of someone who has been caught taking performance enhancing drugs (or facing the death penalty after being caught smuggling drugs into South East Asia), the social media reactions from a number of former cricketers. It's all a bit much. I mean come on I've seen people suggesting that's why the Aussies won the Ashes, let's not be silly now! Australia won the Ashes because Smith himself is an excellent batsmen, England have the most fragile of batting lineups (look at the New Zealand test the other day, were they ball tampering too?), and England are terrible away from home, hence the inability to beat Bangladesh, India,  Pakistan and even my beloved (yet terrible) West Indies side in recent years.

Ball tampering is bad, and it's cheating, and it shouldn't happen (and Smith and Co should be punished) but it's happened before, in some cases quite recently and some of "Typical cheating Aussies" comments I'm seeing are coming from people who seem to forget that the contemporary commentating guru that is Mike Atherton, was caught doing the very same thing, while captain of England, as has the current South African captain Faf du Plessis (TWICE)!

I've even seen Stuart Broad, the man who famously blatantly knicked a ball into an Australian fielder's hands in the Ashes,  pretended that he hadn't and went on to score match-winning runs, chipping in. The guy has got some front!

Now I don't think that Broad should have been dragged over hot coals for that and I think the same of Smith. A significant fine and a ban for the rest of the series would have been more befitting of the crime. This whole situation is that classic reaction that we currently get to any controversy in sport. Just like when people say, "The standard of refereeing is getting worse..." the minute someone makes a mistake in a football match. No it's not, the reaction to errors is. We have cameras that pick up everything from every angle and footage that can reach us from a regional league the other side of the World in minutes. Then the social media outcry, the experts, the moral preachers. Give it a rest!

Finally, and most importantly! IT'S A WORLD CUP YEAR! I'm actually starting to get excited now. I've trawling the internet searching for new stuff to read, going back through old Barry Davies videos (a lot of them are getting removed from YouTube on copyright grounds, get involved ASAP). It's coming!

I need to start working out how my days are going to pan out; the 13.00 kick offs on working days are going to be a killer, and we're expecting twins (yep that's right!) a few weeks before the tournament starts. This is going to be the biggest challenge ever! Bigger than the midnight kick offs in USA 94 (couldn't blag those with my parents, aged 13); the 7am starts in 02 when I had only just finished University and as a result hadn't woken up before 8am for 3 years; bigger than that time in 1998 when  I bunked A-Level History to watch Paraguay v South Africa (I was convinced Chilavert was gonna score a free kick)**; or that night in 2014 when I failed miserably to stay up and watch Japan v Senegal, which began at 2am.

This is a true test of my initiative. Whatever happens, expect more ramblings on here in the coming weeks (the reality is I'll probably end up being too busy/lazy to act upon my thoughts) as my excitement grows!

*I actually did OK at English and at school in general. That little Monologe was completely made up for the purpose of a cheap gag. Although Ms Kanarak (or "Kanarek"? I can't remember) genuinely was my GCSE English teacher. And she was a bit of a dick! Sorry if you care about the World Cup and are reading Ms Kanarak/Kanarek!

**this actually happened! And the same Ms Kanarak/Kanarek (I actually think it's spelt Konarek now), who was the Head of the Sixth Form, rang my house! No lie!

The Final Countdown

There you go, we have our final 32. 3 years of blood and sweat. Over 150 nations whittled down to just 32.

Now we look forward June (well December first, when we find out who plays who). To Russia! To the return of the greatest sporting event in the world!

Before we do that I feel like we should all shed a tear.

We should shed a tear for Fabbio Grosso and Marco Tardelli wheeling away in what almost always seems like slow motion. For Roberto Baggio's run against the Czechs in 1990 and his last gasp goal against Nigeria in 94

Shed a tear for Johan Cruyff absolutely bamboozling that Swedish right back, for Arie Haan repeatedly scoring from 30+ yards like it was an every day occurance. For the ball beautifully pulled down by Bergkamp and Dirk Nanninger bundling through the Argentinedefence.

Shed a tear Archie Gemmill dancing through the Dutch defence, even if it was too little too late. For David Nairey's belter that stirred the best side not to win the World Cup into life. For Müller scoring past Leighton from that ridiculous angle (if only Costa Rica had been different)*. For Strachan struggling to jump over the advertising hoardings.

Shed a tear for Brian McBride's crazy diving header. Eric Wynalda's free kick indoors. For stunning England in 1950.

Shed a tear for Roger Miller dancing in the corner after nicking the ball from Renne Higuita. For Benjamin Messing losing his boot trying to mame Caniggia. For Pierre Njanka going on that run against Austria.

Shed a tear for those Dance routines! For Asamoah Gyan (wearing number 3?! You're not a left back) and Kevin Prince Boateng stunning the Germans. For the heartbreak of missing that last minute penalty against Uruguay, which would have seen an African team make a semi final.

Shed a tear Gerry Armstrong blasting through Arkanada's legs. For the defence allowing Josimar to score THAT goal.

Shed a tear for Ray Houghton in the Giants Stadium. John Aldridge just trying to get a little water on in the heat. For O'Leary's penalty in Genoa and Robbie Keane's forward roll against the Germans. And for Roy walking out because you didn't even have bibs!

Shed a tear for sneaking into the second round to play COSTA RICA?!? Wait? How did that happen? 2004 couldn't happen again could it...? No!

Shed a tear for high energy football. Smashing the bar in extra time against Brazil. For faking an injury to try and get Brazil thrown out in qualifying (maybe not for that).

Shed a tear for going out unbeaten, despite being in a group with the reigning champions. For Winston Reid!

Actually don't shed anything. As stated before most of these guys had 2-3 years to get their sh*t in order. Time, and football, waits for no man. Hopefully lessons will be learnt and we'll see some of them in four years...

*Why do Scotland always draw either Brazil or Holland?? 

It's over. Was it that bad?

So long to the worst tournament ever! The snoozefest that was Euro 2016. That’s it right? Worst tournament in the history of mankind and the solar system. Worse than Euro 80, which genuinely was the worst in history of mankind, from what I’ve seen of it. Worse than those games of Wembley Doubles at school that never seemed to get past the 2nd round. Worse than Euro 96, which dare I say, wasn’t all that.

Those are the noises coming from the “experts” and from social media, so I suppose it was terrible then. I suppose the 24 team format did ruin it, by letting all and sundry into the competition, to play negative football. I mean take Hungary for example, they definitely didn’t top their group, averaging 2 goals scored a game. They certainly weren’t involved in one of the best games in the tournament, a topsy-turvy shootout with Portugal. The four games they were involved in couldn’t have averaged well over 3 goals per game?

OK so maybe Hungary are an anomaly. What about Iceland? Conquerors of the great England side that went to France. They were negative right? OK so maybe they lined up with a 4-4-2 for their games, but it was a negative one right? I mean let’s forget that they scored in every game they played in; that the 5 games they were involved in yielded 17 goals. They shouldn’t have been there! Diluting the quality of the competition! Sucking all of the entertainment out of it. Let’s hope UEFA see sense and cut Euro 2020 down to just 16 teams. Essentially have less football in a football tournament! Actually why stop at 16. Why don’t we just ask all the experts and Euro 2016 detractors who they think the best two teams in Europe are and they can play a final against each other. Actually scrap the final let’s just have penalties! That way we can get back to the two, alienating cash cows, that are the Premier League and Champions League. Where the same teams do well pretty much every year (Leicester City last year aside). That’s far more entertaining isn’t it.

I’m being silly aren’t I. And I suppose I’m being selective with my examples. For every Hungary and Iceland, Euro 2016 had a Romania, or Sweden, or dare I say Northern Ireland. I agree that Euro 2016 was no classic. It certainly wasn't a patch on the last 24 team tournament I watched, USA 94. But it just wasn’t that bad. What about all the late goals? Payet, winning the opening game with a screamer against Romania. Errrrzil’s ball for Schweinsteiger in the dying seconds of my Ukraine game. Both of the late French goals against Albania. Eder coming to life for all of 30 seconds, to make the difference against Sweden. Northern Ireland putting Ukraine to bed. The Czech Republic coming back from 2 down to draw with, the early darker horses, Croatia. Sturridge snatching us a win against Wales or Milner helping us chuck the Russian game away. And most of all Quaresma marking his rehabilitation into the community with the latest of late winners against the Croats.

There was plenty of drama (and I believe excitement) and the odd spectacular goal. You’ll not see a better bicycle kick than Shaqiri's strike in the last 16 against Poland. Hamsik almost scored one of goals of the tournament against Wales, but denied by a brilliant goal line clearance; he then followed it up with that turn and finish against the Russians. Nainggolan’s goal against Wales seems to have been completely forgotten as Belgium went on to lose the game. As has Modric’s volley against Turkey, because of his early exit. It just wasn’t that bad! I don’t care what Alan Shearer says!

Personally I think the issue is two things. The first being that Portugal, a team nobody liked (not even me), ended up winning the competition. “But they came 3rd in their group...” Newsflash! So did Italy and Argentina in 94 and 90 respectively. It happens. As I mentioned in an earlier post, on top of getting more games, having 24 teams ensures that travesties,  such as teams winning two of their three group games or winning one and drawing the other two but going out,  don't happen.

The second thing being that Euro 2016 was a perfect exhibition of modern day football. Gone are the days of the epic 4-3 quarter final. Football, well successful football, is all about pressing, and running; one up top and playing on the counter. Look at the final. It was basically a carbon copy of the 2010 and 2014 World Cup finals, with different teams. That’s how these big games are decided nowadays. Look at the Copa America final! Since 1990 the losing team in the World Cup final has only scored on one occasion (France in 2006). Before then, the losing team had never failed to score, IN EVERY FINAL! So don’t blame Portugal or having 24 teams for you not witnessing a 1986 World Cup final style game. Blame the incredibly high stakes placed on defeat nowadays due to the amount of money in the game. Blame the exposure that players and coaches from lesser fancied nations will have had to playing against the best, due to factors such as the expansion of the Champions League and the increase in foreign imports in all of Europe’s big domestic leagues. People don’t just naively turn up to be a 1974 Zaire or 1982 El Salvador.

If Euro 2016 didn’t crack up to what you thought it would be, never fear! There’s a third major international tournament this summer. And it’s actually the original one! That’s right the only reason why you have a World Cup or European Championship to moan about is because of the Olympic Football tournament. This predates them both, and it was discussion regarding the eligibility of professionals at the Olympic Football tournament; as well as whether, two time Olympic Champions in the 1920s, Uruguay were the real deal, which lead to the inaugural World Cup being staged in 1930 (same for the European Championship in 1960).

I love the Olympic Football tournament, and have watched each one since Atlanta in 1996. There promises to be some great football on display (well, counter-pressing with one up top). For a start, the likes of Neymar, Marquinhos,  Douglas Costa, Manuel Lanzini (Paolo Dybala and Mauro Icardi were cut from the final 23), the Bender brothers (that’s not a weird WWF tag team) and Max Meyer will be in attendance. Best of all, most of the games are on UK work friendly times. It’s going to be great! I only wish that our FAs would stop being so stubborn, and put together a team GB, that way they could be overhyped then go crashing out amid all manner of excuses and scapegoat. That’s what makes a real tournament.

Anyway, must go. I wrote this sitting on a balcony in Cyprus, keeping an eye on my sleeping son, sweating like Big Sam will be in Qatar, when the press are on his back for continuing to play a 40+ immobile Kevin Nolan and Ricardo Vaz Te in spite of underwhelming results. Oh well, “He’ll keep England up” I suppose...

Twas The Night Before Christmas...

I’m excited! There are less than 24 hours to go! I’m doing all I can to temper my anticipation. I watched Pescara v Trapani a few days ago (the first leg of the Serie B playoff final). It was like one of those moments that alcoholics recount in AA meetings, where they identify that they’ve hit rock bottom. “There was this one night, when I dug out a stream of Pescara v Trapani on the laptop. Filled my computer with viruses, but I didn’t care at the time. I just needed another hit. I needed to hear another ‘peep’ of a referees whistle. To see another player waive an imaginary card...” I jest. I wouldn’t actually normally watch the Serie B playoffs, honestly, not even me! It's Pescara being in them that made me tune in (they were in them last year too actually). They’re kinda my team in Italy. I used to follow Sampdoria, and still kind of do, largely due to the days when they had Gullit and Vialli. But despite them not being up to much since the early 1990s, I felt like that was a bit of a kop out. They were too good. Too big. I mean they’ve been in a Champions League final! I don’t root for teams that get to Champions League finals! It’s just not football! Not for 99% of the teams out there. Football is about disappointment. Not glory. Anguish! The struggle. Those fleeting moments of joy, which get your hopes up, but are ultimately followed by years of dismay. And that’s Pescara down to a tee. In the one season I followed them in Serie A they finished bottom, 8 points adrift of the next team up, 16 from safety, with just 6 wins and 4 draws to their name. That’s the sort of team I want to follow!

Away from the domestic football, which just won’t go away and accept that we’re not interested. The build up to Euro 2016 is almost over. There have been all the friendlies on TV, which has lead to the England hype machine being ramped up (saying that I think we’re better than we’ve been in years), and there’s also been the Copa America. Once again, much like the aforementioned Pescara game, I’ve found myself tuning in to dodgy streams. Predominantly with Spanish commentary, which I have to say makes the whole thing seem more exciting. This is because, for some reason no British TV channels have picked up this year’s tournament, in spite of its expanded format and significance. I managed to see the first half of Venezuela v Costa Rica the other day; like I said I think the commentary probably made it seem far more exciting than it actually was in reality. Other than that I’ve largely been relegated to watching highlights on my phone every morning, due to the absurd kick off times. Why can’t they just play in the middle of the day like they did in USA 94?

I missed Brazil battering Haiti last night, I’m assuming the result makes the current Brazilian side better than the 1974 Italian team. I love their goal (3:20) just because of the astonished star jump celebration that the member of the coaching staff does on the sideline. There was none of that last night! Haiti were on the receiving end of a mauling.

What caught my eye was the performance of the new Brazilian wonder kid Gabriel. I don’t know much about him, other than that he was good on FIFA 14 when he was like 16. But the bits I saw of him were impressive. He scored a good goal and came close to adding to his tally later on. That being said, I’m not sure he could ever live up to the great Brazilian striker Ronaldo. Not in my eyes anyway! Ronaldo is my joint favourite player ever (with Maradona and closely followed by Alessandro Del Piero). They guy was just unreal! Imagine a player with the skill of any of the world’s best number 10s, the pace of a dangerous winger and the finishing of any of the world’s most deadliest strikers.

Anyway, enough going on about Ronaldo, he’s not European. And he won’t be playing at the European World Cup. 24 teams, 30 days, one trophy. Before I go I want to touch on one thing. 24 teams. What is everyone's problem with 24 teams? I keep hearing, “They’ve messed it up... ...how will it even work?” Nothing has been “Messed up”. 24 teams is perfect. Allowing the best 3rd placed team to go through to the 2nd round means we won’t be robbed of anyone decent who is unlucky enough to fall foul of the quirks of a four team group where only two go through. If you don’t know what I mean, just consider this, it’s possible to finish 3rd in a 4 team group despite winning 2 of their 3 games. If you think that’ll never happen, see Argentina, Nigeria and Bulgaria or Holland Belgium and Saudi Arabia in 1994. It’s also possible to finish 3rd despite being unbeatable and winning at least one of your games, see Italy, Denmark and Sweden in Euro 2004! The team that lost out in that situation won the World Cup 2 years later, so their elimination was hardly a reflection of their ineptitude! Finally if you're over 33 and you can’t remember a World Cup with 24 teams, shame on you!! Especially if you’re a journalist, yep I’ve seen or heard well respected journalists talk about how confused they are with the 24 team format. I expect you to have at least have seen USA 94! If not Italia 90 and Mexico 86 (if you’re old enough). The fact of the matter is 2 or 3 of the finest World Cups in the colour television era have been 24 team tournaments.
IT WORKS! Stop trying to dampen my excitement or taint my rose-tinted childhood memories!

Anyway, I’m off! Pescara have just drawn the 2nd leg and will play in Serie A next year (it's taken me that long to write this)! I need to get to bed else Michel Platini won’t come down my chimney tonight and deliver me the penalty shootout/0-0 draw free tournament that I crave!

Hope he likes minced pies...

Women's Soccerball! Rekindling Memories of USA94!

I know! I know! I've been away for a very long time! You know the feeling when you were 17 and you got back home REALLY late from a night out to find your parents, up, in the living room, with the lights on (but the TV off), waiting for you, just staring at you as you close the front door behind you...

I'm sorry!! I didn't realise the time! My watch stopped! Actually I lost it! We couldn't get any cabs from where we were and the nightbus took ages! But I'm home now. Safe and sound and ready to talk football (and maybe even life).

So let's just pretend that this didn't happen let's erase this sorry episode from our minds. West Ham didn't only win 3 games in 2015, which ultimately sealed the fate of 'Big Sam'. I mean 3 games?!?! And then all the idiots come out of the woodwork and start patronising us. "What do they expect?" "I suppose they wanted to play The West Ham Way! I mean, what is that? They've never been good! They should be happy with their achievements..."

That's right, non-West Ham fans, I should be happy that my team plays abject football week in week out, that in the last half of the season my team only recorded 3 wins against teams that were relegated or just about managed to stay up, that we got dumped out of the cup by West Brom and put up no fight whatsoever. I should be happy that it cost me roughly the same amount that it cost a Manchester United, or City fan, that's right the Champions, to watch that rubbish; and that I was sent a renewal reminder in February, FEBRUARY! Telling me that I had to renew by the 17th of April!! Last time I check the season finished in May (in years gone by we were asked to renew in July)! And that I must already start thinking about how much money I should fork out for the season after when we move! Maybe that's The West Ham Way? We won't talk about that, it didn't happen.

Anyway it's all my son's (my beautiful son, who I love regardless, may I add) fault. Just like me, he is a bad luck charm for West Ham. Now we weren't winning league titles and dominating Europe before I was born, but we'd won the odd cup here and there. The last such cup? 5 Months before I was born! And not a sniff of success since! Then this year we start off on a great run, beating Manchester City at home (ahh that's probably why our season tickets cost as much as theirs!!) and Liverpool, then my son, Noah (future West Ham goalkeeper and top order West Indian batsmen) was born. And it all ended! Oh well, like father like son. He'll have to get used to a lifetime of disappointment, Fortune's always hiding, and all that.

Better than Pele

Let's also pretend that Gerrard didn't retire from the English game and get a send off that would only really befit Lionel Messi when he finally hangs up his boots. What an absolute, Anglophilic (that's not a word I know), sycophantic, short sighted joke! I said before in a previous post, it tells you everything you need to know about Gerrard's perceived as godly ability that he has tailed off so badly in the twilight of his career. The man was a good player, consistent at doing the fundamentals of the game but heavily reliant on physical aggression to fluster average players into mistakes. As soon as his body didn't allow him to play that sort of game any-more, when he was then called upon to step back and show his true class in reading the game like so many other greats did at the end of their careers (look and Hoddle and Gullit playing sweeper at Chelsea, or Lampard in the last 2/3 seasons if you want to call him a great, or Giggs moving in from the wing)...

He was found wanting, so what did he do? He hit longer unnecessary diagonal balls, charged harder at opponents and basically made himself look over the hill. It's OK though because according to Sky Sports Pele was reincarnated, despite not even being dead, came back a bestowed his talents upon "Stevie Geee" who then took the world by storm. And now the game (in England and abroad) will be worse off for it. Except it won't. Liverpool will move on, of course they'll miss him, it's not like he offered them nothing, but they'll move on and English football will get another Gerrard in the next 10 years (I mean Gerrards are ten-a-penny in some countries) and he'll hit 50 yard diagonals and score 60 yard volleys in the last minute of the Cup Final against West Ham (hopefully Noah won't be in goal for them yet). But we won't talk about that, that's gone!

What we will talk about, the reason for me putting pen to paper finger to keyboard is, not a completely new experience to me, but at the same time something which I'm not massively familiar with. We're going to talk about the Women's World Cup! That's right Mum and Dad, I have something to talk about in a vain attempt to prove that I am sober, in spite of the smell of Barcardi Breezer (stick with me on the getting home late analogy). The Women's World Cup started on Saturday. And anyone that has read this blog before will know, I love a World Cup! And that includes European and Women's.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh! Canadaaaaaaaa!

As a result of my love for a Copa Mundial (that's Spanish that, I'm right cultured me!), this isn't the first time I've watched any of the Women's tournament. I have vague recollections of watching bits the last one on BBC Three, especially extra time in the final. But that's all, vague recollections, I've never sat and got engrossed in a Women's tournament they way I do the Men's. Well that was until a week or so ago.

I'm not really sure what happened? What clicked and made me think, "I want to see this..." But I want to. Ladies of UEFA, CONCACAF, CAF, CONMEBOL, AFC and Oceania you have my full attention for the next 4 weeks. And I'm a little excited. Here's why.

This kinda reminds me of a mixture of Italia 90 and USA 94, the first two Men's World Cup tournaments that got me hooked, bit like when you do drugs right? I've never really done or got drugs, and I'm not just saying that, I haven't. Not even tobacco. But what I've heard is that first "hit", that first "high" or "rush" is the best and those addicted to drugs are often searching, in vain, to recreate that feeling.

I mean look at that headband!

That's what this is, my drug is the World Cup, and this year's Women's tournament is giving the the mystique that Italia 90 had; in that back in 1990 as a 9 year old boy I knew nothing of global football. You could even argue I didn't know much beyond say West Ham and the bigger clubs in England. The World Cup introduced me to players with funny names like Marius Lăcătuș (I copied his name from a Google search there's no way I know how to type those characters), Francois Oman Beyik (what a header) and Claudio Caniggia. I mean Caniggia wore a headband! Not an Eric Young sweatband, which was weird enough, but an Alice Band style headband!! A man! A footballer! In 1990! It was all so exotic!

This tournament is a bit like that, I've heard of Jill Scott and Martha and Kaylyn Kyle (I remember her from the London 2012 tournament) but some of these other players might as well be Lăcătuș for all I know! So basically what I'm saying is Jill Scott is Steve McMahon, Eniola Aluko is Gary Lineker (except for he was a bit of a World Cup legend back in 1990), Martha is Maradona and Abby Wambach is... erm Butragueño?!?

Then there's the whole North American, "let's call it Soccer" spin that this tournament has. That's so USA 94 (the best World Cup I've ever seen in my opinion)! All the games seemed to be played in the brightest of sunshine and the goals rained down. Much like what has happened so far. There was also none of this group matches at 2pm in the middle of the day rubbish that we had with South Africa and Germany!

I say that but there are some really daft match times in this year's tournament. Most games seem to start around 11 or 12 at night; and the final, YES THE FINAL, is at 1am?!? FIFA clearly not thinking about their European audiences. This is why I have no interest in a World Cup being held in Australia, Korea/Japan was bad enough, and I managed to get through that by purposely not getting a job after I'd left University (well not until after the tournament). Never again!!

Then we had the curious scheduling that put the Ecuador v Cameroon game on while the USA were playing Australia? What?!? Somebody's missed a trick here! The World Cup isn't about the big games, I mean it is a bit, but half of the charm is in watching Marius Lăcătuș' Romania play Oman Beyik's Cameroon. With comical defending and insane fouls and players that's get snapped up by a desperate English club the following season off the back of one decent performance. Come on FIFA I need to see every game live where possible!*

As a result of the awful scheduling I find myself doing the EXACT same thing I did back in the summer of 94 every morning. The BBC have a catch up program on the red button channel (980 on Sky) and I end up watching that  to get my fix of the action from the early hours on the morning. It's all very Goal Morning America (god I can still remember that program now).

The one thing I will say about watching the Women's World Cup is that it brings out the inner Male Chauvinist in many of the people (blokes) I speak to about the tournament. I hear so many, "The standard is shocking...", "...it's not football...", "...They'd get battered by a non-league men's team..." comments I'm astonished. While I am in agreement that there are some things that happen in games that you would rarely (I wouldn't say never) see in the Men's game

1.  I'm pretty certain we don't all watch football because of the standard that is being played. Otherwise the Premier League would have lower viewing figures and nobody would ever watch any of the games in the Football League. In fact we'd all just be watching Champions League Semi-Finals involving Barcelona and Bayern Munich. While I appreciate that a better standard of football will probably attract a bigger audience a lot of the attraction in a football match is the contest between the two sides rather than the flawlessness of the game.
2. Some of the football on show is really good, fair enough it's slower and less powerful than the Men's game (and that is what the Men's game is all about, pace and power), but that's always gonna happen. It's the reason why Women's tennis is slower and has more returnable serves, why the Women's 100m world record is almost a second slower than the men's. That doesn't make either of those sports less of a contest when women play them.
3. The Women's game is about 20-30 years old. Think about that. If we watched a game of Men's football from 1900-1910 we'd probably laugh at how tactically naive they were and the technical flaws of the players would be obvious. I mean you don't even have to go back that far, look at the amount of space the like of Pele and Maradona are afforded in some old clips, there's no high pressing on defences and forwards aren't expected to track back and that's in the 1970's/80's after circa 100 years of development in the Men's game. They've had a third of that time at best. The players from the smaller nations have probably never played against professionals or in a big stadium. They don't have the exposure that their male compatriots would have had in the Champions/Europa Leagues. Fair enough they can learn from watching the Men's game, but due to to anatomical differences tactics and techniques will probably have differing success. For example can a Woman's team rely as heavily on the long ball game? How many big centre forwards do people have at their disposal? Is it the same for a goalkeeper flinging themselves low down on the ground in an attempt to stop a driven shot if they have a pair of breast impeding them (that's a serious point)?

It is was it is, in terms of a sport, and there's definitely some entertainment in there. If people don't want to watch there's nothing wrong with that. But because it's different it doesn't make it any less valid or entertaining as a competition. The tendency for a defensive error also has an 80's/90's World Cup feel about it. I long for the days when both teams always score in the World Cup final (that happened in every final up to 1986), when teams didn't just play for penalties. When football was't so sterile and full of smaller teams packing the midfield with 5 and Parking The Bus.

Rant over!

Finally, the one thing the tournament has had that directly mimics the Men's edition, and that I love, is great celebrations from African teams. The other night I was fuming when Sweden blew the lead twice, one of them when they were two goals up, to ruin my bet that I had on them winning and over 3.5 goals being scored. But then I saw the Nigerians dancing and I couldn't help but smile!

For some reason I can't find any match highlights that include the Nigerian or Cameroon goal celebrations so you'll have to take my word for it. "Probably because they couldn't beat Staines Town 2nds..." and so on.

Here's Pablo Armero...

And Asamoah Gyan (the King of World Cup goal celebrations)...

That'll do. I'm off to bed, Mum and Dad, I'll probably have a headache and be throwing up in the morning, but that has nothing to do with the consumption of alcopops.

See you soon!

*Obviously I know the last group matches have to be played simultaneously in the interests of fairness.

And then there was nothing!

I know it's late but I've finally brought myself to write about the end of the World Cup. I just couldn't do it before.

We had 64 games over 31 days and now it's all over. There are now 1,412 days until the next time we see another, rounder than ever, World Cup ball kicked in anger. I'm not going to lie, I was depressed at first, genuinely depressed (I think there's something wrong with me). I always am after a World Cup. I didn't want to think about the next football season, it didn't seem right. It was how I'd imagine widows and widowers feel at first if they meet a new partner (obviously their situations are far more serious). I thought it was pretty tasteless of the BBC to have an advert for Match of the Day and the beginning of the new football season straight after the World Cup Final program (and the montage). Don't turn up at the World Cup's funeral and ask for my number! That's just wrong!

Anyway, moving away from widow/morbid talk, it's a bit weird (even for me) and not something I want to trivialise in the slightest. That was a fantastic World Cup, somewhere on a par with 1998 and sitting behind the great 1994 tournament in my books, that's in terms of World Cup's I've experienced. My reasoning behind this being that, it was great at the beginning when the goals were flying in, produced some shocks (England, Italy, Costa Rica, Spain, Greece) and in the end Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil got their comeuppance for playing some pretty horrible, and dirty at times, football. BUT The knockout rounds were lacking somewhat, much like the knockout rounds in every other tournament I've watched with the exception of 1994. When the stakes got higher the play became more cagey and but for that "heat" I spoke of earlier, we'd have probably got even more penalty shoot outs than the, unacceptable, 4 that we had (joint highest with 1990 and 2006).

As everyone is doing (or has done) it, I'm going to give you a brief run down of my favourite and not so favourite things that happened in the World up that has just passed (not that my opinion means anything, just my thoughts).

Best Team
Germany were obviously the best team in the tournament, but not just because they won it. They scored the most goals and absolutely pummelled Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil and their former colonial rulers Portugal; bet you Angola or Guinea Bissau won't be queueing up to play them in any competitive matches in the future (check out my Portuguese colonial knowledge). Chile and Colombia should also get a mention too. Chile for their attacking high energy game, which included almost certainly the shortest centreback I've ever seen (if you exclude Sunday football). And Colombia also for their attacking style but mainly for things like this and this. And for bringing on their 43 year old goalkeeper, just so he could get a game, against Japan.

Best Player
Hands down this was "Hamez" Rodriguez, I'm not going to lie. Before the World  Cup I knew he was good, I'd seen him play at Monaco and a little bit at Porto and I knew Colombia wouldn't struggle without Falcao what with the likes of "Hamez", Cuadrado (I'm shocked at how few people were aware of how good he was) and co. But I never thought he was going to have that good a tournament and end up securing a move to Real Madrid. Messi also had a decent tournament, although I'm not sure his performances were worthy of the Golden Ball (FIFA in strange voting scandal, never??) and the likes of Robben, Müller (writing that just reminded me of that sh*t Müller who played for Brazil in 1990), Navas, Ochoa and I suppose Neymar, deserve a mention.

Worst Player
Balotelli! Don't tell me you're going to beat Costa Rica and you want a kiss from the Queen for doing so when all you'r actually going to do is stand offside all game and miss sitters!

Worst Team
There are so many candidates. England were tactically and technically inept AGAIN. Italy didn't show up, except for against England; the youngsters like Immobile and Insigne looked lost. Spain had a bit of a disastrous tournament, the less said about them the better. But then there was Cameroon. Cameroon got off the to the best possible start with a row over player bonuses, which saw the team refuse to board the plane to Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil, then imploded against Croatia. It's also worth mentioning that Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil were pretty bad too, based on their performances they shouldn't have gotten anywhere near the Semi Finals.

Best Celebration
It was a close run contest between the above Colombian celebrations and this one, but it's got to be Ghana after Asamoah Gyan scores against Germany. I love African teams at the World Cup!

Other sh*t that happened that I want to talk about
What the hell is Up with Ian Wright and Glenn Hoddle's relationship? He's not been your boss for nigh on 20 years you fool! Stop calling him "Gaffer", it's really cringey. ITV's whole set up was expectedly weird from start to finish with the only highlights being Fabio Cannavaro and Martin O'Neil. Meanwhile on BCC, who told Rio Ferdinand that that double breasted suit he wore for the final looked good?

I know it's already been said but I must reiterate, he totally looks like an airline pilot

That insect that landed on "Hamez" Rodriguez when he scored against Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil, like what the actual f*ck!! I'd have embarrassed myself in front of the watching world if anything like that beast came near me, not even going to pretend like I wouldn't.

Screw that! I'd be on the first plane out of Manaus or wherever the f*ck they were!

That "Adios Espana" guy must have egg on his face now. I mean what the hell are you doing with an iPad at the football anyway...

Finally, here are the closing montages, they're the best thing about the final stages of any major tournament...

So there we have it, the World Cup came and went. We had standing elbow drops, money convoys, choreographed dance routines, insects and iPad w*nkers. Who knows what we'll get in Russia in 2018, who knows what we'll be doing. I'll have a 3 year old son by then; who, by the way, should be eligible to play for England, Switzerland, Germany or Antigua in around 2034 (watch this space if you work at the FA in any of those countries). Though it'll probably be all robots then or like that Nike advert with the perfect team.

PS I suppose I'm going to have to talk about club football soon, that's coming. By the way I totally called West Ham signing Enner Valencia during the Ecuador v Honduras game!

25 Things that you shouldn't do at or during the 2014 World Cup

I feel like every post I write starts with an apology for not posting in a while. I'm sorry, I've just been so caught up in the World Cup. I've actually started a couple of blog posts. I can prove it, I have the drafts. I'm not showing you my drafts though! You're not stealing my thoughts! You'll have to just take my word for it. While watching the football and fretting about when to do my next update I came up with this. Here's 25 things you shouldn't do at or during the 2014 World Cup.

1. Don't rely on the same core group of players you've had for the last 6 years now. Especially when you were taken apart in the dress rehearsal for the tournament a year ago. Holland and Chile will have a field day.

2. Don't hold a World Cup preparation camp months before the tournament and stress the importance of fitness if you're gonna be struggling a game and a half into the competition against Cost Rica

3. Don't underestimate the importance of the heat in this tournament. Croatia died against Mexico, as did Germany against Ghana and Bosnia against Nigeria. The heat has also been responsible for the encouragingly high goals per game ratio and some great battles in Extra Time. When was the last time you saw teams trading goals in Extra Time, it just doesn't happen nowadays. Expect a return to normality come next season and in 2018.

4. Don't leave two of your most prolific goalscorers at home, especially after one has worked so hard to get back to fitness and if one of the players you're going to take is renowned for blowing hot and cold.

5. Don't tell me that Cahill's goal was the best ever or as good as Van Basten's. It wasn't. It was good but there have been better at this tournament alone.Van Persie's header was better. So was Rodriguez's volley.

6. Don't turn up and play the same basic, technically deficient, kick and rush game that hasn't worked at EVERY World Cup except for one where you got favourable decisions cos you were at home, you'll get ONE point off of Costa Rica!

7. Don't blame the Manager if the above point happens. He hasn't made these players technically deficient.

What the actual f***!?!?

8. Don't turn up and row over bonuses (I almost wrote "boni", would the plural of bonuses be "boni") or force a money convey to be sent halfway across the world...

9. Don't try to elbow your opponent in the back WWF (I'm not saying WWE I was born in the 80's, sue me World Wildlife Foundation) off the top rope elbow drop style. I've watched a lot of football in my time. I'm not suggesting for a second that Song should have attacked Mandzukic in a more damaging way or condoning violence (especially serious assault) on the football field. But what on earth was that elbow about?!? Footballers elbow other footballers. As I said, it's not something I particularly want to see as it's can be very damaging. But they just don't do what Alex Song did, what was that??

10. Don't fight your team mate or your manager.

11. Don't think that an injured Cristiano Ronaldo can work miracles

12. Don't think Brazil are any good. They're not!

13. Don't talk about James Rodriguez as if he's come from nowhere and he's waiting to be snapped up by a big team. He cost Monaco €45m last summer, he's very much established as a very good player. The point of them buying him was to become a big team.

14. Don't refer to James Rodriguez as "James", it's "Ha-mez". It's not like "Ha-mez" is hard to say!

This is just stupid, I'm funnier than this!

15. Don't bite an opponent. Especially if you've got previous for doing so. You'll get caught and people will be making stupid social media memes for years to come.

16. Don't get in a fight with Honduras! They'll kill you!

17. Don't back Uruguay based on the fact that Luis Suarez plays for them. They're not that good, even when Cavani is on form.

18. Don't tell me the Ecuador v Honduras wasn't one of the most entertaining games of the tournament. Purely based on the lack of quality on show and the sheer rawness of some of the tackles.

19. Don't think that Greece can't sneak out of a group despite being pretty uninspiring throughout their 3 games. Euro 2004 & 2012 taught us that could happen.

20. Don't underestimate France, especially in Euro 2016. They've been bloody good, and this is without Ribery!

21. Don't let Klose break Ronaldo's goalscoring record. The man hasn't scored a goal from further than 12 yards out and most of them have come in group matches against lesser opposition.

22. Don't let the game pass you by when you're 1-0 down against the Germans in the Quarter Final. What the hell were France playing at?

23. Don't tell me this is the best modern World Cup, unless by "modern" you mean post 2000. I can't speak for 1986 as I didn't see it at the time but I've been told it was good. I can however assure you that at good as this tournament has been, it's still some way behind 1994. If you think I'm exaggerating go on YouTube and search Nigeria v Italy, Argentina v Romania, Sweden v Romania, Italy v Spain, Brazil v Holland there's loads! And as for the stars, Messi, Neymar and Rodriguez may have had good tournaments so far but they can be matched (if not surpassed) by Romario, Hagi, Stoichkov, Roberto Baggio and Brolin.

24. Don't hold out for a better "cash out" offer on your bet of Mexico to qualify when they're 1-0 against Holland up but defending a corner with just 4 minutes to go. Take the money and run!

25. Don't fall behind when you promised to do regular blog posts; with three games happening every day, you'll never catch up