And then there was nothing!

I know it's late but I've finally brought myself to write about the end of the World Cup. I just couldn't do it before.

We had 64 games over 31 days and now it's all over. There are now 1,412 days until the next time we see another, rounder than ever, World Cup ball kicked in anger. I'm not going to lie, I was depressed at first, genuinely depressed (I think there's something wrong with me). I always am after a World Cup. I didn't want to think about the next football season, it didn't seem right. It was how I'd imagine widows and widowers feel at first if they meet a new partner (obviously their situations are far more serious). I thought it was pretty tasteless of the BBC to have an advert for Match of the Day and the beginning of the new football season straight after the World Cup Final program (and the montage). Don't turn up at the World Cup's funeral and ask for my number! That's just wrong!

Anyway, moving away from widow/morbid talk, it's a bit weird (even for me) and not something I want to trivialise in the slightest. That was a fantastic World Cup, somewhere on a par with 1998 and sitting behind the great 1994 tournament in my books, that's in terms of World Cup's I've experienced. My reasoning behind this being that, it was great at the beginning when the goals were flying in, produced some shocks (England, Italy, Costa Rica, Spain, Greece) and in the end Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil got their comeuppance for playing some pretty horrible, and dirty at times, football. BUT The knockout rounds were lacking somewhat, much like the knockout rounds in every other tournament I've watched with the exception of 1994. When the stakes got higher the play became more cagey and but for that "heat" I spoke of earlier, we'd have probably got even more penalty shoot outs than the, unacceptable, 4 that we had (joint highest with 1990 and 2006).

As everyone is doing (or has done) it, I'm going to give you a brief run down of my favourite and not so favourite things that happened in the World up that has just passed (not that my opinion means anything, just my thoughts).

Best Team
Germany were obviously the best team in the tournament, but not just because they won it. They scored the most goals and absolutely pummelled Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil and their former colonial rulers Portugal; bet you Angola or Guinea Bissau won't be queueing up to play them in any competitive matches in the future (check out my Portuguese colonial knowledge). Chile and Colombia should also get a mention too. Chile for their attacking high energy game, which included almost certainly the shortest centreback I've ever seen (if you exclude Sunday football). And Colombia also for their attacking style but mainly for things like this and this. And for bringing on their 43 year old goalkeeper, just so he could get a game, against Japan.

Best Player
Hands down this was "Hamez" Rodriguez, I'm not going to lie. Before the World  Cup I knew he was good, I'd seen him play at Monaco and a little bit at Porto and I knew Colombia wouldn't struggle without Falcao what with the likes of "Hamez", Cuadrado (I'm shocked at how few people were aware of how good he was) and co. But I never thought he was going to have that good a tournament and end up securing a move to Real Madrid. Messi also had a decent tournament, although I'm not sure his performances were worthy of the Golden Ball (FIFA in strange voting scandal, never??) and the likes of Robben, Müller (writing that just reminded me of that sh*t Müller who played for Brazil in 1990), Navas, Ochoa and I suppose Neymar, deserve a mention.

Worst Player
Balotelli! Don't tell me you're going to beat Costa Rica and you want a kiss from the Queen for doing so when all you'r actually going to do is stand offside all game and miss sitters!

Worst Team
There are so many candidates. England were tactically and technically inept AGAIN. Italy didn't show up, except for against England; the youngsters like Immobile and Insigne looked lost. Spain had a bit of a disastrous tournament, the less said about them the better. But then there was Cameroon. Cameroon got off the to the best possible start with a row over player bonuses, which saw the team refuse to board the plane to Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil, then imploded against Croatia. It's also worth mentioning that Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil were pretty bad too, based on their performances they shouldn't have gotten anywhere near the Semi Finals.

Best Celebration
It was a close run contest between the above Colombian celebrations and this one, but it's got to be Ghana after Asamoah Gyan scores against Germany. I love African teams at the World Cup!

Other sh*t that happened that I want to talk about
What the hell is Up with Ian Wright and Glenn Hoddle's relationship? He's not been your boss for nigh on 20 years you fool! Stop calling him "Gaffer", it's really cringey. ITV's whole set up was expectedly weird from start to finish with the only highlights being Fabio Cannavaro and Martin O'Neil. Meanwhile on BCC, who told Rio Ferdinand that that double breasted suit he wore for the final looked good?

I know it's already been said but I must reiterate, he totally looks like an airline pilot

That insect that landed on "Hamez" Rodriguez when he scored against Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil, like what the actual f*ck!! I'd have embarrassed myself in front of the watching world if anything like that beast came near me, not even going to pretend like I wouldn't.

Screw that! I'd be on the first plane out of Manaus or wherever the f*ck they were!

That "Adios Espana" guy must have egg on his face now. I mean what the hell are you doing with an iPad at the football anyway...

Finally, here are the closing montages, they're the best thing about the final stages of any major tournament...

So there we have it, the World Cup came and went. We had standing elbow drops, money convoys, choreographed dance routines, insects and iPad w*nkers. Who knows what we'll get in Russia in 2018, who knows what we'll be doing. I'll have a 3 year old son by then; who, by the way, should be eligible to play for England, Switzerland, Germany or Antigua in around 2034 (watch this space if you work at the FA in any of those countries). Though it'll probably be all robots then or like that Nike advert with the perfect team.

PS I suppose I'm going to have to talk about club football soon, that's coming. By the way I totally called West Ham signing Enner Valencia during the Ecuador v Honduras game!