2016 European World Cup - day 1

Right here’s the deal. I aim to post every day during this year’s tournament, but each post will be under 100 words  (with the exception of maybe a special post here and there). I've unsuccessfully tried to impose word limits in the past. Currently unnecessarily eating into today’s! Eeeek!

Yesterday France won, everyone expected that.

More importantly we saw ITV’s opening credits for the first time. This is the one thing they normally always trump BBC at (except for in 2004, when the BBC had Basement Jaxx). If only they invested as much in their commentary teams!

Not sure what I think of this year’s. The animations are great but the tune isn’t THAT catchy. Not like their last two world cup themes or Italia 90/USA 94.

Yes I genuinely obsess over these things. I love major tournaments!

That’s 135! Arggh! Make it 150! Now I’ve got loads to play with... La La La!

And then there was nothing!

I know it's late but I've finally brought myself to write about the end of the World Cup. I just couldn't do it before.

We had 64 games over 31 days and now it's all over. There are now 1,412 days until the next time we see another, rounder than ever, World Cup ball kicked in anger. I'm not going to lie, I was depressed at first, genuinely depressed (I think there's something wrong with me). I always am after a World Cup. I didn't want to think about the next football season, it didn't seem right. It was how I'd imagine widows and widowers feel at first if they meet a new partner (obviously their situations are far more serious). I thought it was pretty tasteless of the BBC to have an advert for Match of the Day and the beginning of the new football season straight after the World Cup Final program (and the montage). Don't turn up at the World Cup's funeral and ask for my number! That's just wrong!

Anyway, moving away from widow/morbid talk, it's a bit weird (even for me) and not something I want to trivialise in the slightest. That was a fantastic World Cup, somewhere on a par with 1998 and sitting behind the great 1994 tournament in my books, that's in terms of World Cup's I've experienced. My reasoning behind this being that, it was great at the beginning when the goals were flying in, produced some shocks (England, Italy, Costa Rica, Spain, Greece) and in the end Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil got their comeuppance for playing some pretty horrible, and dirty at times, football. BUT The knockout rounds were lacking somewhat, much like the knockout rounds in every other tournament I've watched with the exception of 1994. When the stakes got higher the play became more cagey and but for that "heat" I spoke of earlier, we'd have probably got even more penalty shoot outs than the, unacceptable, 4 that we had (joint highest with 1990 and 2006).

As everyone is doing (or has done) it, I'm going to give you a brief run down of my favourite and not so favourite things that happened in the World up that has just passed (not that my opinion means anything, just my thoughts).

Best Team
Germany were obviously the best team in the tournament, but not just because they won it. They scored the most goals and absolutely pummelled Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil and their former colonial rulers Portugal; bet you Angola or Guinea Bissau won't be queueing up to play them in any competitive matches in the future (check out my Portuguese colonial knowledge). Chile and Colombia should also get a mention too. Chile for their attacking high energy game, which included almost certainly the shortest centreback I've ever seen (if you exclude Sunday football). And Colombia also for their attacking style but mainly for things like this and this. And for bringing on their 43 year old goalkeeper, just so he could get a game, against Japan.

Best Player
Hands down this was "Hamez" Rodriguez, I'm not going to lie. Before the World  Cup I knew he was good, I'd seen him play at Monaco and a little bit at Porto and I knew Colombia wouldn't struggle without Falcao what with the likes of "Hamez", Cuadrado (I'm shocked at how few people were aware of how good he was) and co. But I never thought he was going to have that good a tournament and end up securing a move to Real Madrid. Messi also had a decent tournament, although I'm not sure his performances were worthy of the Golden Ball (FIFA in strange voting scandal, never??) and the likes of Robben, Müller (writing that just reminded me of that sh*t Müller who played for Brazil in 1990), Navas, Ochoa and I suppose Neymar, deserve a mention.

Worst Player
Balotelli! Don't tell me you're going to beat Costa Rica and you want a kiss from the Queen for doing so when all you'r actually going to do is stand offside all game and miss sitters!

Worst Team
There are so many candidates. England were tactically and technically inept AGAIN. Italy didn't show up, except for against England; the youngsters like Immobile and Insigne looked lost. Spain had a bit of a disastrous tournament, the less said about them the better. But then there was Cameroon. Cameroon got off the to the best possible start with a row over player bonuses, which saw the team refuse to board the plane to Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil, then imploded against Croatia. It's also worth mentioning that Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil were pretty bad too, based on their performances they shouldn't have gotten anywhere near the Semi Finals.

Best Celebration
It was a close run contest between the above Colombian celebrations and this one, but it's got to be Ghana after Asamoah Gyan scores against Germany. I love African teams at the World Cup!

Other sh*t that happened that I want to talk about
What the hell is Up with Ian Wright and Glenn Hoddle's relationship? He's not been your boss for nigh on 20 years you fool! Stop calling him "Gaffer", it's really cringey. ITV's whole set up was expectedly weird from start to finish with the only highlights being Fabio Cannavaro and Martin O'Neil. Meanwhile on BCC, who told Rio Ferdinand that that double breasted suit he wore for the final looked good?

I know it's already been said but I must reiterate, he totally looks like an airline pilot

That insect that landed on "Hamez" Rodriguez when he scored against Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil, like what the actual f*ck!! I'd have embarrassed myself in front of the watching world if anything like that beast came near me, not even going to pretend like I wouldn't.

Screw that! I'd be on the first plane out of Manaus or wherever the f*ck they were!

That "Adios Espana" guy must have egg on his face now. I mean what the hell are you doing with an iPad at the football anyway...

Finally, here are the closing montages, they're the best thing about the final stages of any major tournament...

So there we have it, the World Cup came and went. We had standing elbow drops, money convoys, choreographed dance routines, insects and iPad w*nkers. Who knows what we'll get in Russia in 2018, who knows what we'll be doing. I'll have a 3 year old son by then; who, by the way, should be eligible to play for England, Switzerland, Germany or Antigua in around 2034 (watch this space if you work at the FA in any of those countries). Though it'll probably be all robots then or like that Nike advert with the perfect team.

PS I suppose I'm going to have to talk about club football soon, that's coming. By the way I totally called West Ham signing Enner Valencia during the Ecuador v Honduras game!

What a start! Heat = Goals and Spain aren't done yet

It's here! The World Cup is here! If you're anything like me you'll have pinched yourself at some point in the last 48 hours just to make sure it's all real (I genuinely have, I always do). I managed to pull Nigeria in the office sweepstake and predicted a 2-0 win for Braaaaaaaaaziiil Braaaaaaaaaziiil in the company prediction competition that I'm running, great start what with Croatia taking a 1-0 lead after just 11 minutes.

As per that brief clip above I think ITV have once again trumped BBC in the opening credit stakes. Despite have the worst commentary/analysis team of the two, excluding Cannavaro and Viera (even if Cannavaro does at times struggle to keep up with the English chit chat), ITV tend to make up for it with their opening credits. In the last tournament it was close ITV came up with probably the best opening credits since Glory Land (ITV 1994) or the ITV 1990 theme. But BBC had, what I'd consider their best ever (even including the tournaments I didn't watch because I was too young or not even born).

On the football side of things I've been thoroughly entertained so far. There's been plenty of drama from the word "go" and the lowest scoring game has been a 1-0 for Mexico over Cameroon. I have a theory with the number of goals we have had so far in the tournament, I could be proved wrong as there are another 60 games to go, but here it is.

Now that you've been equipped with the history of the World Cup thanks to my comprehensive guide (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5) you'll know that the best and most entertaining tournaments were Mexico 70, Spain 82, Mexico 86 & USA 94. I confess that at no point do I actually say this in my previous posts. This is solely based on my opinion, which has been formed, watching some of these tournaments, either at the time or through clips and reading about them and what others have thought. There's a constant theme with all of the above tournaments though, sunshine. Sunshine (well heat actually) and goals.

Sure let him down!

Anybody as well versed in this World Cup malarkey will argue that statistically 1986 had a comparatively low goals per game ratio and that 2002 also had games played in the sapping heat (just ask, then Spain manager Jose Camacho). But my counter argument for that is 1986 saw some of the World Cup's great topsy turvy goalfests. Italy v South Korea and Denmark v Uruguay in the groups; Denmark v Spain and Belgium v USSR in the 2nd round; and the Final itself where Germany came back from 2-0 down to level the game, only for Argentina to snatch a winner near the end.

If you don't believe me I have further evidence. The 2 most open and attacking World Cup's since everybody (rather cynically) realised you stood a better chance winning in football if you defended well, somewhere in the 1970's? have been 1982 and 1994. 82 has the highest goal ratio of a "modern" tournament and Spain was pretty hot the last time I checked.

If you think of all of the big (colour TV) goalfests in the history of the tournament they can be traced back to these tournaments. Italy 4 West Germany 3 & England 2 West Germany 3 (70); Braaaaaaaaaziiil Braaaaaaaaaziiil 2 Italy 3 & West Germany 3 France 3 (82); Romania 3 Argentina 2, Germany 3 Belgium 2, Holland 2 Braaaaaaaaaziiil Braaaaaaaaaziiil 3 & Romania 2 Sweden 2 (94). I rest my case.

As players get hot and tired they get slacker, especially defensively, and they start to take risks like hitting long balls (oh god, watch out for England tonight then) or long shots. Add in the fact that once a team goes behind in a game they sometimes have to abandon their game plan and open up a little and you'll get goals. My thought was that the early games wouldn't see so much of this as teams would rather stay compact and see out a slow 0-0 draw (that could still well happen, were only four games in) and that as the tournament went on and players got more tired, due to the affects of playing twice a week in the stifling heat, the goals would start raining in. Let's see, I could be totally wrong and we could be in for 4 weeks of 1-0 wins from this point onwards...

He does look like a child soldier. The moustache doesn't help!

The story so far sees Braaaaaaaaaziiil Braaaaaaaaaziiil beating Croatia in there opening game, coming from behind with the aid of some questionable refereeing decisions, but then this is why host nations always do well (unless you're South Africa), referees are influenced by the noise the crowd makes when there is a contentious decision. We are too. When was the last time you saw a player go down, not much of a fuss made by the crowd and you thought, "That's a definite foul!" They're human. That main thing I took from that game was that the Braaaaaaaaaziiil Braaaaaaaaaziiil fans can't give Diego Costa too hard a time for playing for Spain (instead of Braaaaaaaaaziiil Braaaaaaaaaziiil, his country of birth), they've got Paulinho and Luiz Gustavo who are clearly Sri Lankan and Rwandan. Gustavo looks like one of those 11 year old child soldiers that you see in documentaries, with a cigarette in his mouth and an AK-47 in his hands (can I just say, as I'm aware that's a bit close to the mark, I'm not making light of the plight of these kids, what happens to them which forces them to be party of these rebel "armies" is actually shocking).

He's probably got one eye on this week's 1st Test at Lords

It's not the first time Braaaaaaaaaziiil Braaaaaaaaaziiil have had Sri Lankans in their squad , remember Emerson?

Elsewhere, lazy pundits are now writing Spain off because of their 5-1 defeat to the Dutch. As a result I've just put and eachway bet on Spain to win the tournament, their odds are now, stupidly, out at 11/1 (based on my previous form with bets that's probably the kiss of death). Let me straighten things out right now though. I don't think Spain will win the tournament, yes because they've aged (and you need young legs to play in the sun), but not because of last night. Last night they were the more threatening team up until the point at which Holland went 2-1 up (remember Silva had a great chance to extend the lead when it was 1-0). Once they went 2-1 down they had to come forward with more urgency and leave gaps at the back, that coupled with the heat... Goals!