I've been thinking a lot about school recently, primarily because I'm jealous that I don't get to finish my working day at some point between 3:00 & 3:30 and also don't get 6 weeks off smack bang in the middle of the hottest time of the year (I should probably say 'mildest', it's never consistently hot is it). One of the things I also miss from my school days is the many ways in which we attempted to recreate the beautiful game and mimic what we'd seen on The Big Match Live (on ITV may I add), Ford Super Sunday and international tournaments like Italia 90. 10 Things is back this week with a (hopefully) comical lookat the numerous practices that I and many others will have experienced in the late 1980's and 1990's and that probably still occur on playgrounds up and down the country.
Can I just say, to those it isn't obvious to, I've totally made up the rule numbers (although, I'd imagine choosing teams would be rule number 1). Here's 10 Things I loved about playing football as a child.
Playing football 3 times (sometimes 4 or 5) a day
Commentators often wax lyrically about box to box midfielders with amazing 'engines', that seem to cover every blade of grass and look as if they've barely broken sweat. These guys are basically the guys that are still in the same sort of physical condition that they were in at the age of 11. I can remember getting the school early and playing football at 8.30 until the bell went to signal the start of the day; playing football during the early morning break and having a big game at lunch time (this would have gone on for around an hour). Sometimes additionally you'd play football during a Games or PE lesson (Games was so much better than PE wasn't it, PE was too technical) or even play after school for the school or down the park/on the streets with your mates. And all of this was done without energy drinks or steroids (take note Lance Armstrong)!
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This would normally happen during a World Cup when we'd get the chance to see a load of exotic foreign players that we'd never seen. This was of course long before the days of Sky and ESPN's wall to wall coverage of the other footballing leagues in Europe and the Champions League & UEFA Cup; and also long before English football had it's influx of headband wearing, shirt pulling, imaginary card waving, diving foreign imports, so players like Schillachi, Roberto Baggio, Caniggia, Batistuta, Romario and Bebeto were appreciated even more by us than their modern day counterparts. One person who wasn't was former Brazilian World Cup winning captain Dunga. I'm not sure how true this is but during a game in the 1994 World Cup the commentators made the mistake of telling everyone that Dunga meant 'Stupid' in Portuguese. From then on, once a lunchtime it was customary to proclaim yourself to be Romario for the hour and refer to one of your team mates as Dunga, much to the amusement of everyone else.
Playground Football Rule 1 - Choosing Teams
1.1 Teams must be chosen by two players who are assigned the role of 'Captain'.
1.1.1 Captaincy does not give a player any authority on the field of play, it is purely for administration purposes.
1.1.2 If there are two players who are a lot more talented than their other playground counterparts (these kids normally ended up having an unsuccessful trial at some professional team) they must automatically be designated captaincy on opposing sides for fear of a one sided game.
1.1.2.1 Two specialised goalkeepers that are willing to play in goal during the upcoming match can also be assigned the role of 'Captain'.
1.2 Both Captains take turns at choosing players for their side based on their impression of ability descending.
1.3 All non-Captains must group together in an orderly manner to enable both Captains to survey the players they have to choose from when picking teams.
1.3.1 At times where the Captains are having problems getting the non-Captains to assemble one of the Captains may shout words to the effect of, "The last one of you non-Captains to settle down and join the line/huddle of players available for selection is Gay/In love with [Person X]!"
1.3.1.1 Person X is deemed by popular opinion to be either the campest boy or 'ugliest' girl in school or the neighbourhood.
1.4 - Numbers: In some scenarios, for fear of prejudice each non-Captain is randomly assigned a number which the Captains must call out. The calling out of a non-Captain's number indicates selection for a Captain's team.
1.4.1 non-Selected players must not hint to the Captains at any time, the number that they or any other player have/has been assigned
1.4.2 Any suspicions of Rule 1.4.1 being broken must result in a reallocation of numbers.
1.4.3 Numbers can be reallocated to non-selected players if the Captains are unsure as to what numbers remain available for selection.
1.5 In scenarios other than that of the evocation of Rule 1.4, Captains are allowed to choose whomever they wish, all prejudices and personal grudges apply.
1.6 Selected players must leave the huddle and stand alongside their Captain. They are allowed to influence their Captain's future picks with the exception of when rule 1.4 is in force. When Rule 1.4 has been enforced, selected players must not hint to their Captain the numbers that have been allocated to to the more skill-full players. If there are any suspicions of this, Rule 1.4.2 must be evoked.
1.7 Once the game is underway, teams can be re-picked if
a) The match appears to be ridiculously one-sided.
b) A player of considerable physical strength decides so.
c) The player responsible for providing the ball either sheds tears alongside threatening to withdraw the ball from the field of play or can convince enough players that a 'Re-pick' is necessary.
1.8 - The Re-pick: Rules 1.1 to 1.6 are enforced during a 'Re-pick'.
Playground Football Rule 74.1 - The Imaginary Crossbar
74.1 During play with jumpers/blazers/bags used as goalposts the height of the Crossbar is deemed to be the highest point that the goalkeeper can reach while jumping with his arms stretched straight up in the air.
74.1.1 In order for the ball to be deemed 'Over' and out of bounds both teams must agree that it passed clear of the Crossbar.
74.1.2 For unsettle-able disputes Rule 85.1 may be evoked at the request of the defending team.
Playground Football Rule 74.2 - The Imaginary Post
74.2 During play with jumpers/blazers/bags used as goalposts. Said jumpers/blazers/bags are considered to be 'Post'.
74.2.1 Any ball that is deemed to have passed over jumper/blazer/bag is to be considered 'Post' and out of bounds.
74.2.2 For unsettle-able disputes Rule 85.1 may be evoked at the request of the defending team.
Playground Football Rule 85.1 - Penalty or Goal?
85.1 In situations where the validity of a goal cannot be agreed by both sides the 'Penalty or Goal?' rule can be evoked.
85.1.1 'Penalty or Goal?' can only be suggested by:-
a) The defending team (as a form of appeasement).
b) The attacking team, when it is clear that their claim for a goal is valid but the defending team will not back down.
85.1.2 'Penalty or Goal?' is the only just and fair way to settle goalscoring disputes. If the disputed goal was not valid the Playground Gods will ensure that the attacking team squander their penalty. Conversely if a disputed goal should stand the Gods will make sure that the penalty is converted.
Wembley
Whoever came up with the idea of Wembley is a genius. Depending on what part of the country you went to school in Wembley may have sometimes been referred to as 'World Cup' (we had our own version of World Cup). The rules of Wembley are simple, in fact I don't remember ever being taught them, there's just a mutual understanding amongst all boys aged 7 to 15. You have one goal and one goalkeeper, who is also the designated match official and everyone is playing against each other. The game consists of a number of 'Rounds' where players must score a pre-determined number of goals (normally starting with 1 in the first round or so then increasing in the latter rounds), and stop their opponents from doing the same, to go through to the next round. Once a player is 'through to the next round' they are removed from the field of play and watch all of the remaining players trying to get through to the next round. The last player not to have scored the allocated amount of goals (sometimes it's 2 or 3 players depending on the time you have available or the number of people playing) is 'Out', and must sit and watch all of the remaining rounds. As soon as a round has ended all of the players who are through return to the field of play for the next round. Easy to follow?? Probably not when written on paper, but we all did.
Wembley with multiple numbers i.e. Doubles, Triples, I've even played Quadruples
Wembley doubles was a personal favourite of mine. Pretty much the same as the above but with team mates so you could be that little bit lazier.
World Cup
World Cup in some areas of London was just Wembley. I remember World Cup to be Wembley but with each person or double/triple/quadruple choosing a team that they were representing/pretending to be (this would normally happen during a World Cup) and then pretending to be individual players from said team/country. I loved a bit of World Cup doubles, always chose to be either Roberto Baggio or Gianluca Vialli.
Playground Football Rules 97.1, 97.1.2 and 97.1.3 - Penalties All Around and the ensuing melee
97.1 - Penalties All Around: During a game of Wembley (or World Cup) if the ball strikes one of the combatants hands a penalty can be awarded to all other players (often placing the offending player at risk of elimination).
97.1.1 The goalkeeper (with the help of players classified as either 'Through' or 'Eliminated'), designated official in all games of Wembley, is the only person who can adjudge whether the infringement is deliberate or not.
97.1.2 'Penalties All Around' must be signalled by the goalkeeper calling out, "Penalties All Around". Until this has been done the ball is still in play.
97.1.3 The order of penalty takers is determined by the following:-
a) The first penalty taker must shout out "First!" ("I'm first" is also acceptable) and be comfortably clutching the ball. Failure to hold the ball may give other players the right to claim the first penalty.
b) All other penalty positions must also be called but do not require the player to be in possession of the ball when doing so.
97.1.4 Each player has a turn at taking one penalty and cannot be obstructed or physically/mentally hindered.
97.1.4.1 In cases where a player is obstructed and misses a retake may be ordered only if agreed by the goalkeeper.
97.1.5 In keeping with the spirit of the game of Wembley/World Cup the goalkeeper must, at the time of the last of the awarded penalties being taken, declare that 'Rebounds' are applicable.
97.1.6 - Rebounds: There are no 'Rebounds' available for any of the penalties taken in an instance of 'Penalties All Around' with the exception of the last penalty of the series. In cases where 'Rebounds' are not applicable the ball is deemed 'dead' immediately:-
a) After a goal is scored from the penalty.
b) After a penalty is saved.
c) After a penalty is missed.
In cases where rebounds are applicable the ball is 'live' if the penalty is not scored and the ball comes back into play.
...and a final note Re Provision of the ball (basically I've got more than 10 things), offsides, 'Next goal wins' and disputes.
-It is the prerogative of the individual responsible for providing the match ball to call a halt to proceedings at any point during play for reasons such as but not limited to:-
a) Unfair teams
b) Bad sportsmanship
c) A disagreement or physical altercation with another player
NB - This action may be remembered by all other players and used against said 'Ball Provider' in later life as a point of ridicule.
- Offsides do not exist, however players who frequently stand in an offside position may be derogatorily referred to as 'Goal Hangers'.
- In cases where play is being called to an abrupt halt i.e. the bell for registration/lessons, fading light etc, it is plausible to evoke the 'Next Goal Wins' rule regardless of the score. The winning goal stands.
- Disputes can be carried into registration or the next lesson at school but anything further than that and you're just a winging idiot!
I'm not gonna lie, I loved sitting here thinking about all the silly little rules we had when we played football as kids. I'd happily go back to being 10 years old if I could do this all again. In addition I'd like to campain for the 'Penalty or Goal?' rule to be introduced to Association Football; that would take away any need for goal line technology or those extra official that they have behind the goal. The footballing Gods would justly decide.
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