It's back!

The football's back, I think I'm finally over the World Cup, actually it's probably best we don't talk about the World Cup (you know, it's a bit of a faux pas to talk about your ex on a first date). The football season started last week for me with Reims v PSG in Ligue 1 on Friday, involved a bit of Ajax v Vitesse on Sunday and finally finished with the 2nd half of the Charity Community Shield (I missed the 1st half because I'd totally forgotten it was on). And now this week I'm off to The Boleyn for our first game of the season against Sp*rs, and I'm petrified. I just can't see how we'll get anything out of the game, not after beating them 3 times last year, and then there's all these West Ham fans I keep seeing online, "giving it" like it will be a walkover for us. I'm ashamed to admit it, but they're acting like Sp*rs fans. Touch wood we'll at least get a draw tomorrow and then I don't have to watch that game for another season (I really don't enjoy Sp*rs at home).

Everywhere I look there are previews of the season to come so I thought I'd do my own. Here's 10 things that you may (or may not) see this season.

Manchester United will be good again
I actually found it a bit uncomfortable with them being so bad last year. Especially when all the Liverpool lovers were lording it up. I expect to see an improvement from last year's showing at Old Trafford, not because I think David Moyes is the terrible manager that the media have made him out to be, or because Louis Van Gaal is the knight in shining armour that is also being painted. But because they can only get better, surely. That squad failed last year because it was terrible, not just because of Cleverly or Fellaini, because Fergie had neglected it for a couple of seasons. So this year what's different? Well they have Mata for a whole season and Ander Herrera from my beloved Athletic Club. Plus a fresh pair of scowling, hardened, taking no sh*t, eyes steering the ship in the form of the aforementioned "LVG". Surely they can't be that bad again this year right? Surely!

Arsenal go through the same cycle
We see it every year, they'll have a period where they play amazingly and people start saying, "Oooh! Are they dark horses for the title?" Sanchez will link up with Oeeeeeeeeeeeeerzil, Ramsey, Wilshere, Rosicky, Podolski,  Carzola, Walcott, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Ger-nab-ry and any other attacking midfielder/not quite a centre forward that they have and they'll look unbeatable. Then they'll have that month, the month that everyone's been saying is coming up, the one that's "a true test of their title credentials". The month where they play Man United, Man City, Chelsea, Liverpool in the cup, Bayern Munich in the Champions League, the Sega Team for Virtua striker and Pele and his crew from Escape to Victory. And they'll lose every one of those key games, which will make all the Sp*rs fans happy (and Facebook will blow up with Arsenal jokes). Then they'll get their sh*t together, put together a decent run and finish 4th. Why don't we just give them 77 points now and say they've finished 4th?

I couldn't find a picture of Micah Richards' bum, and if I'm being honest, felt a little uncomfortable searching for one. Take my word for it, it's huge!

Micah Ricahrds finally gets his chance?
Nah, he'll never get any games for City! Everyone knows Zabaleta has got right back locked down. Maybe he'll finally move on? Maybe this year Richards will do something else, like beat Kim Kardashian (and Hulk) to the title of Rear of the Year? And Jimmy Floyd Hasslebank will look on, wondering what might have been, had he still been in the public spotlight... Weird thought, I know. But Richards isn't getting anywhere near that City team and he does have a big a*se. There's more chance of the rear of the year thing happening!

Kim isn't gonna go down without a fight!

West Ham are average
At best! Is Enner Valencia going to score a ton of goals? Or maybe Mauro Zarate? Doubt it. We'll probably have given up on them come the end of November and it will be good old loyal Carlton Cole up top or even worse, the famed 4-6-0! Fingers crossed something decent will happen.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic's powers will start to decline
He took 7 minutes to open his account last week against Reims. And he ended up with a second by the end of the game. The guy is just phenomenal and he's now 33! Surely there'll be a season soon where he doesn't score 20+ goals. Is this going to be it, or is the French league too weak for the fact that he's the wrong side of 30 to matter at the moment? Watch this space, I think he's got another good season left in him.

Great to see Ashley fitting in already (far left)

Ashley Cole will tear it up in Italy
Another player who is 33 (the same age as me, god I'm old for a footballer) is Cashley. Who has decided to make the bold move of going to Roma. Fair play to him, I reckon there's still a season or two left in him and he could potentially do the business in a side that performed VERY well last year. Will he thrive though? Will the Curva Sud (I think Romanistas have the Curva Sud) be singing his name, like the Curva Nord did 20 odd years ago with a certain Paul Gascoinge? Will he be able to handle the intense Italian media? Will he even learn Italian (from what I've seen in the past he's just about got the hang of English)? I'm saying I think he will! I think Roma might win the league this year, down to their signings and Juventus being Conte-less/Allegri-full, come on Ashley show us that you're still a decent giocatore (that's Italian for "player" that is, you can have that one for free Mr Cole)!

I will watch the Eredivise in it's entirety
I'm not 100% sure this will happen, what with baby commitments and other leagues to watch, but for some reason last week I was a little drawn to that Ajax game. I found myself thinking, "You should watch this league more often.." Maybe I will, maybe I'll learn who the good and not so good players are (I pretty much knew NOBODY in the Ajax side until Daley Blind came off the bench). Let's say I will!

I still won't watch the German league
Screw that! I read an article the other day entitled, "Are you a Football Hipster?" and I can safely say I'm not as one of the main qualifiers was having a love for the Bundesliga. I appreciate that the German league has more goals, bigger attendances and some of the best players in Europe in it, but I just can't get on board. This must be how people who hate Italian football feel about Serie A.

Fernando Torres will start scoring goals again
Yeeeeeeeeeeah right! I'm also calling the Diego Costa signing not turning out the way Chelsea expected right now too. Nice and early!

Atletico Madrid will win back to back titles
We can dream. Barcelona and Madrid's response to not winning the league for the 1st time in like 20 years was to sign the best player from the World Cup just gone (Oh the World Cup! My beloved World Cup, I miss you! *sobs into a some tissues*) and the best player in the Premier League last season. Those guys are hurting! I can remember sweating like I was an Atleti fan last year towards the end of the season as they limped over the line in first place, having run out of steam. What are they going to do this year? Hopefully they'll sign Reus to go with Griezmann and Mandzukic (touch wood Song doesn't see him when they play Barca) and put up another great fight.

So it's back, the highs & lows, the twitter rants at the official West Ham account after an inept performance, watching La Liga, Serie A & Ligue 1 on a laptop while the Mrs watches X-Factor and steering clear of Facebook every time Sp*rs win. Come May some of us will be sick of it (my girlfriend definitely will), by that point I definitely won't be interested in watching games containing teams like Leicester and Palace by then unless West Ham are involved (by the way, Palace definitely screwed with Pulis leaving), but we'll have had another history making 10 months of football. Bring it on!!

The Footballing Schlieffen Plan

Ok, I'm really really really really really really really sorry! I've been so lazy recently. Recently?? Ok I've been so lazy in the last few months, thing is I've been meaning to write updates to this blog and have seen tons of stuff, both football and non-football (for the ladies, wink wink) related. I have no idea why I'm winking or typing about winking to imaginary women reading my blog, bear with me here people.

So what's been happening? Well in terms of me, not much has changed, I say that but I mean in respect of my living/working situation, I'm pretty much doing all the same stuff I was doing back in the summer when I was on here moaning about West Ham and regaling you all with my humorous observations from the European World Cup. One massive thing that has changed in my life is that I purchased FIFA 13, now I'm a lover of the odd computer game especially football/cricket ones and last year I found myself in a situation where I wasn't too enamoured with any of the new football games that came out in October/November. For those of you not in the know (mainly the ladies, wink wink, I'm kidding, just continuing the joke), I'm talking about the trilogy of FIFA, Pro Evolution Soccer and Football Manager (Championship Manager in old money) for years these games have ruined relationships, caused weight gain and aided the breaking of inanimate objects in the bedrooms (and sometimes lounges) of men aged 13-40 all over the world. And FIFA 13 is kinda doing this to me. Now I'm not saying I've broken anything and I don't feel my relationship with the Mrs has suffered (and I don't intend on that ever being the case) but my evenings have definitely changed. No longer do I come home from work looking forward to making a decent meal and watching some TV with my flatmates. Now all I can think about is how I can improve my Hull City side in our momentum gathering march towards domination of the footballing world. Well the EA Sports footballing world. I find myself thinking of tactics and potential transfer targets on the walk to the train station in the morning. Going over missed opportunities and (perceived) bad refereeing decisions in the shower and yes, every so often I do lose it and turn into a snarling football manager. A snarling manager being gently nudged back into the technical area by the 4th official, on the brink of being sent to the stands for dissent. Why does this happen to me? Why do I care? Why FIFA 13? I didn't care much for FIFA 12 or 11 and I've barely touched Pro Evo or Championship Manager (yeah that's right 'Old Money') in the last 4/5 years. Whatever it is, it must be a good game cos I'm hooked, I've put on over a stone and a half since the summer (that's no lie) and haven't done any exercise in about 2 months. God help me!!

Cheers for the token gesture Lazio, but there are always going to be  morons in the world. It's one of those things.

In the real, Travis Newton isn't the manager of Hull City and they are still in the Championship, footballing world a lot has happened. I'm not going to go into it all, in fact I'm going to try and keep this part of my post really brief. So here it is. Zlatan's been doing it again, an this time it was against England, so begrudgingly some pundits have had to accept that maybe they were wrong and he is a little better than a pub footballer. Racism is the buzz phrase/word whatever you wanna call it, it seems to all happening in terms of race at the moment. There's talk of a black PFA, black players are refusing to wear Kick It Out t-shirts, The England Under 21's were abused in Serbia, my own fellow West Ham fans behaved appallingly at White Hart Lane the other day and fans are now being continually picked out for making monkey gestures at black players. My opinion on it all (and there's no humour here unfortunately), people are idiots, not all of us (thank god) but a lot of people. And football fans & players are no exception. Is there a problem with racism? Yeah, because it shouldn't really be prevalent in any walk of life in this day and age, not when we have as much knowledge at our disposal as we currently do, with the internet and all that; or with the world being as 'small' as it is now. People should know better! As for football fans, people seem to think that it's acceptable to do something when in a crowd (or a mob) as there is less chance of them being singled out for punishment (that's how riots start), in addition to that, footballers seem to think it's ok to say whatever they want to their peers as it's deemed to have been done 'in the heat of battle'. Bollocks! Players, fans and people in ordinary society that resort to racism are ignorant halfwits. Rant over!

Dog poo!

Now for the bit relating to the title. Aside from getting bed sores from sitting around all day playing FIFA I have also embarked on a little project. A project that, like FIFA, probably does me no favours in being attractive to the opposite sex (although the Mrs hasn't complained yet). Anyone with a little historical knowledge will know that the Schlieffen Plan was a plan devised by a German general, which basically led to World War One, that centred around fighting a war on two fronts. The plan was that Germany were to march through Belgium in 6 weeks, beating the French; then turn back and beat the Russians before they even knew what had hit them. As a spoiler for those that know nothing history wise, they got stuck in Belgium for 4 years, which was basically World War One. Now my Schlieffen plan involves following a European top flight football league on numerous fronts. Let me get things straight here, I often watch a lot of foreign football and follow the European leagues fairly closely; to the point that I'd even say I've followed two leagues in a season before. Normally The Premiership along with either Serie A or La Liga. This year I'm taking it to a new level. So of course I'm following the Premiership, what with West Ham in it I go to a game once every fortnight or so. In addition to that I am avidly following Serie A, I'd say at least a game a weekend and making sure I see highlights of all the others. I'm trying to keep up my following of the Spanish League especially with respect to seeing my team Athletic Bilbao (who are having a horrible season this year) but I'm struggling what with the Italian games getting it the way and the Mrs' love of X Factor, damn the scheduling of those Spanish games! I am also (yeah that's right I'm greedy) trying to watch the French League, what with PSG and this injection of cash I'm intrigued to see how things pan out for them this season. I've seen a couple of live games but am mainly watching highlights. At the same time my fingers and thumbs are in the pies that are the German and Dutch leagues. I really want to watch more German football but it's hard to squeeze it in, especially if I want to have a life and a girlfriend (and if I want to take Hull to Champions League glory). So in summary here's what I've learned from my own Schlieffen Plan. Pescara are dog poo. Wow they're bad, saw them win this weekend, how I have no idea?!? Anybody who thinks QPR or Reading are bad, you've seen nothing. The Italian league is full of goals and great forwards, people that talk about it being defensive haven't got a clue, Cavani, Milito, El Shaarawy, Di Natale, Miccoli, Klose, Toni Goals! Every week. And I have no idea who is going to win the thing, Do Juve need a striker? Have Inter turned a corner? Has Milan's start hindered them? Can Lazio/Napoli/Fiorentina challenge this year? Love it! Falcao is immense! He's basically keeping Atletico Madrid in touch with the guys at the top. Bilbao on the other hand are struggling bad. Is it time for Bielsa to go? PSG are very very disjointed. They struggle without Zlatan and they're playing in a league where the competition isn't very good. They should walk it if they get their act together (but probably wont). There are also some very weak goals scored in both the French and Dutch leagues. Finally, there are some very good sides in Germany, Bayern look epic but Dortmund look like they can match them, they have however been stretched by the Champions League.

And that, my readers, is a war on multiple fronts!