Africans, Look-a-Likes and Prediction Competitions

Which Greek player is this?? Who knows?

We're 5 days into to the 2014 World Cup and, as I was saying on Saturday, it's been brilliant. There have been late goals and drama all over the show. We've seen almost everyone play once now, with the exception of Group H; containing, the lightest of "Dark Horses" Belgium (every man and his dog thinks they're going to do well, they can hardly be called dark horses). Can I just say, I don't think Belgium are going to be spectacular, I expect them to progress from their group but that's about it.

Anyway, away from the Belgium talk as I was saying it's been a fantastic tournament so far. England got off to an encouraging start, even if we did lose. We showed a bit of attacking threat against the Italians and made them uncomfortable for periods of the game. The bad sides to our performance were that we were a bit dodgy at the back and there were periods where our midfield couldn't get near Pirlo and Verratti; there was a sense that the Italians had us where they wanted us to be (and they did hit the post & bar and have a shot cleared off the line). I found it to be a thoroughly engrossing game, bring on Uruguay (who, by the way I said would struggle)!

There have been a couple of downsides to this tournament, the first is the game times. I'm not sure if I want more 5pms or 11pms? With the 5pms I basically have to rush home from work and miss the first 10 minutes of the game. Thank god I now work across the road from home, which is purely a lucky coincidence (that wasn't part of the search criteria when I was looking for somewhere to live). The 11pm starts are just as bad. Although I don't miss any of the action, I'm really struggling to stay awake. Speaking of staying awake, I totally messed up the 2am Ivory Coast v Japan game the other day. Not only did I fall asleep during parts of it, but each of my snoozes coincided with the time at which the goals were scored and then I ended up falling asleep on the sofa only to be woken up by the Mrs at 6am, who came it wondering why I hadn't come to bed. Worst was to come, having thought to myself, "Ah, it was a tad ambitious expecting to stay up until quarter to 4. It's not like England were playing..." I then awoke at some point late on Sunday morning to find that the World and his dog had actually  braved it and watched the full 90 minutes!! Even my dad was like, "What? You didn't watch Ivory Coast v Japan? Pfft!" Thank god there's no more 2ams, I couldn't deal with the shame...

The second negative point at this year's tournament has been the performance of the African nations so far. Now I can't speak for the Ivory Coast, as you know I was "catching some Zzzzs", but Cameroon and Nigeria were terrible in their first two games. Cameroon are taking the mick, the players had the cheek to refuse to board their flight to Brazil as they were in the midst of a row over player bonuses. If I was the FA I'd have promised them a huge bonus and then made it performance related! It's an absolute disgrace that a footballer needs to be monetarily coerced into playing for their nation at a World Cup. There are millions of people who'd kill to be professional footballers; then of the professional footballers there are thousands who'd kill to play for their national team, then of the national teams there are hundreds who'd kill to make it to the World Cup! These boys need a reality check! It's not like they're skint or hard up for cash! Especially after that woeful performance against Mexico!

The Nigerian FA could have done us all a favour and sorted out the Cameroon row by donating their players' bonus money to them. Because the Nigerian players certainly won't be earning any bonuses if their performances carry on in the same vein. The Nigerians were awful against Iran and the two teams served up the first (and only so far) 0-0 of the tournament. I hate it when commentators stereotype teams but I have to say the Nigerian performance was very typical of games that you seen in the African Nations cup, players charging forward, miscontrolling the ball so much that every second touch is a lunging tackle, woeful shots from 20+ yards out when a pass to team mates would have been more productive... arrgh!!

Best thing about the Nigeria game was the tweet below (I actually laughed almost to the point of tears):-

As mentioned about a million times before (I just can't get over it) this tournament has been refreshingly entertaining and high scoring. There is one downside to this however. That is that I'm struggling badly in the work Prediction Competition. I am running this years competition with another colleague and the stakes are high (there's £200 up for grabs for the winner!) and as a result I've had a chance to look at everyone else's entries. There I was scoffing at others for their lack of 0-0 draws and 1-0 wins, thinking I'd be around the top of the table and in with a shout for getting some of the cash... Goalfest!! Stupid heat!

You've probably noticed I like a look-a-like, I've had quite a bit of positive feedback for my Paulinho is Sri Lankan shout in my last post and as a result have decided to treat you with a couple more. Let's forget that half the Greek team seem to look like Demitrios Salpangidis (half is an exaggeration, it's more like one other player), does anyone else think that Panagiotis Kone looks like he should be some sort of cape wearing, old school villain. The sort that is the arch enemy of somebody like Sherlock Holmes, twiddles his moustache when he's about to do something "Villainy" and who cackles at the thought of the misery he's about to inflict on his victims... No? Just me?

I have images of him tying a damsel to some railway tracks

Forget that though, more importantly. You may or may not have heard that, David Beckham understudy, David Bentley (he even copied the first 7 characters of his name) retired from football last week and the age of just 29. Never fear, Mr Bentley will still have a steady income coming in as he seems to have taken up a post as part of the Chilean coaching staff (as seen during Friday's game against Australia).

Finally, Colombia have decided to tighten up their defence with the former West Indian cricket captain Darren Sammy. Well that's who I saw playing on Saturday against Salpangidis and that Dastardly Panagiotis Kone.

That's enough for today. Let us all enjoy Braaaaaaaaaziiil Braaaaaaaaaziiil against Mexico later! Oh and when did we stop taking goal kicks and corners? Pretty much every corner I've seen and been a short one and keepers never seem to boot the ball forward. Why wasn't this fashionable when I used to play Sunday Football, I hate goal kicks!

What a start! Heat = Goals and Spain aren't done yet

It's here! The World Cup is here! If you're anything like me you'll have pinched yourself at some point in the last 48 hours just to make sure it's all real (I genuinely have, I always do). I managed to pull Nigeria in the office sweepstake and predicted a 2-0 win for Braaaaaaaaaziiil Braaaaaaaaaziiil in the company prediction competition that I'm running, great start what with Croatia taking a 1-0 lead after just 11 minutes.

As per that brief clip above I think ITV have once again trumped BBC in the opening credit stakes. Despite have the worst commentary/analysis team of the two, excluding Cannavaro and Viera (even if Cannavaro does at times struggle to keep up with the English chit chat), ITV tend to make up for it with their opening credits. In the last tournament it was close ITV came up with probably the best opening credits since Glory Land (ITV 1994) or the ITV 1990 theme. But BBC had, what I'd consider their best ever (even including the tournaments I didn't watch because I was too young or not even born).

On the football side of things I've been thoroughly entertained so far. There's been plenty of drama from the word "go" and the lowest scoring game has been a 1-0 for Mexico over Cameroon. I have a theory with the number of goals we have had so far in the tournament, I could be proved wrong as there are another 60 games to go, but here it is.

Now that you've been equipped with the history of the World Cup thanks to my comprehensive guide (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5) you'll know that the best and most entertaining tournaments were Mexico 70, Spain 82, Mexico 86 & USA 94. I confess that at no point do I actually say this in my previous posts. This is solely based on my opinion, which has been formed, watching some of these tournaments, either at the time or through clips and reading about them and what others have thought. There's a constant theme with all of the above tournaments though, sunshine. Sunshine (well heat actually) and goals.

Sure let him down!

Anybody as well versed in this World Cup malarkey will argue that statistically 1986 had a comparatively low goals per game ratio and that 2002 also had games played in the sapping heat (just ask, then Spain manager Jose Camacho). But my counter argument for that is 1986 saw some of the World Cup's great topsy turvy goalfests. Italy v South Korea and Denmark v Uruguay in the groups; Denmark v Spain and Belgium v USSR in the 2nd round; and the Final itself where Germany came back from 2-0 down to level the game, only for Argentina to snatch a winner near the end.

If you don't believe me I have further evidence. The 2 most open and attacking World Cup's since everybody (rather cynically) realised you stood a better chance winning in football if you defended well, somewhere in the 1970's? have been 1982 and 1994. 82 has the highest goal ratio of a "modern" tournament and Spain was pretty hot the last time I checked.

If you think of all of the big (colour TV) goalfests in the history of the tournament they can be traced back to these tournaments. Italy 4 West Germany 3 & England 2 West Germany 3 (70); Braaaaaaaaaziiil Braaaaaaaaaziiil 2 Italy 3 & West Germany 3 France 3 (82); Romania 3 Argentina 2, Germany 3 Belgium 2, Holland 2 Braaaaaaaaaziiil Braaaaaaaaaziiil 3 & Romania 2 Sweden 2 (94). I rest my case.

As players get hot and tired they get slacker, especially defensively, and they start to take risks like hitting long balls (oh god, watch out for England tonight then) or long shots. Add in the fact that once a team goes behind in a game they sometimes have to abandon their game plan and open up a little and you'll get goals. My thought was that the early games wouldn't see so much of this as teams would rather stay compact and see out a slow 0-0 draw (that could still well happen, were only four games in) and that as the tournament went on and players got more tired, due to the affects of playing twice a week in the stifling heat, the goals would start raining in. Let's see, I could be totally wrong and we could be in for 4 weeks of 1-0 wins from this point onwards...

He does look like a child soldier. The moustache doesn't help!

The story so far sees Braaaaaaaaaziiil Braaaaaaaaaziiil beating Croatia in there opening game, coming from behind with the aid of some questionable refereeing decisions, but then this is why host nations always do well (unless you're South Africa), referees are influenced by the noise the crowd makes when there is a contentious decision. We are too. When was the last time you saw a player go down, not much of a fuss made by the crowd and you thought, "That's a definite foul!" They're human. That main thing I took from that game was that the Braaaaaaaaaziiil Braaaaaaaaaziiil fans can't give Diego Costa too hard a time for playing for Spain (instead of Braaaaaaaaaziiil Braaaaaaaaaziiil, his country of birth), they've got Paulinho and Luiz Gustavo who are clearly Sri Lankan and Rwandan. Gustavo looks like one of those 11 year old child soldiers that you see in documentaries, with a cigarette in his mouth and an AK-47 in his hands (can I just say, as I'm aware that's a bit close to the mark, I'm not making light of the plight of these kids, what happens to them which forces them to be party of these rebel "armies" is actually shocking).

He's probably got one eye on this week's 1st Test at Lords

It's not the first time Braaaaaaaaaziiil Braaaaaaaaaziiil have had Sri Lankans in their squad , remember Emerson?

Elsewhere, lazy pundits are now writing Spain off because of their 5-1 defeat to the Dutch. As a result I've just put and eachway bet on Spain to win the tournament, their odds are now, stupidly, out at 11/1 (based on my previous form with bets that's probably the kiss of death). Let me straighten things out right now though. I don't think Spain will win the tournament, yes because they've aged (and you need young legs to play in the sun), but not because of last night. Last night they were the more threatening team up until the point at which Holland went 2-1 up (remember Silva had a great chance to extend the lead when it was 1-0). Once they went 2-1 down they had to come forward with more urgency and leave gaps at the back, that coupled with the heat... Goals!

Statement

To all concerned,

Between 12th of June and the 13th July 2014 I shall be watching the World Cup. I intend to watch as many matches as possible. Yes, the game at 2am on the 15th and yes games where England aren't playing. Please do not be offended if I decline random after work drinks and other social gatherings. I will try and attend engagements I am invited to but please note anything that clashes with a game runs the risk of me being a "no show". "I'm sure they'll have it on... ...there'll be others that'll want to see it too." will not be enough to convince me. The World Cup happens once every 4 years and once it is over the long wait begins again.

Thank you.

Travis Nigel Newton

PS This isn't me being presumptuous and assuming I'm so popular I'll be inundated with social invitations in the next month, I'm just putting the shout out to avoid any confusion.

PPS I suggest you get watching some games!

I'm back again, let's finish this shiz!

I've left  myself with a bit to do before the World Cup starts so you've got an update just over 48 hours since the last one. Why the hell am I doing this? I'm not a journo (you can probably tell that from my basic spelling mistakes). I can see that people are reading this stuff but to my knowledge nobody's demanding it?

Oh well, I am doing this. Let's cut to the chase, ditch the small talk and get down to the dirty business of talking World Cup history. Where were we? Oh 1990!

1990
1990 was the year I joined the party. I started watching football in the 1988/89 season meaning I missed Euro 88, so Italia 90 (the 1990 World Cup was in Italy by the way) was the first major tournament I ever saw. And you kids today don't know you're born. You've got YouTube, Sky Sports, BT Sport, ESPN, the Champions League (back then it was the European Cup and English teams were banned from it) and all that jazz. Back then in the build up to the tournament I think I saw a montage on BBC1 which lasted less than 5 minutes. And that was my World Cup build up.

Nearer the tournament somebody bought me a World Cup annual so I was able to have a look at some of the players that were going to be involved. The point I'm trying to make is that, come the opening game I knew next to nothing about Cameroon and actually pretty little about Argentina barring that Maradona was their main man. So while Cameroon beating the reigning champions 1-0 in the first game was a surprise to me, it wasn't until years later that the gravity of their victory hit home. To summarise, 1990 World Cup starts, reigning champions are beaten by a load of blokes that mainly played in the French 2nd division.

Argentina would struggle through the tournament but reach the final. Cameroon, on the other hand, would wow everyone with their colourful football, which was pretty raw at times, and almost beat us in the Quarter Finals.

Speaking of us, England did the best they've ever done at a World Cup, barring 1966 when we won it. But don't let the stat fool you. It was hardly a vintage performance. First there was the group stage. We draw 1-1 with Ireland, Holland and Egypt draw 1-1. Then we draw 0-0 with Holland, Ireland and Egypt draw 0-0. Finally we beat Egypt... 1-0 (Mark Wright header I believe), meanwhile Ireland and Holland draw 1-1 and as a result lots are drawn to decide who finishes higher of the two. To this day England's group in 1990 is probably one of the most boring groups I've ever experienced at a World Cup.

Moving on from the groups, England play Belgium in the 2nd round and score in the last minute of extra time to win 1-0. Then we play Cameroon and come back from being 2-1 with less than 20 minutes to go to win 3-2, mainly thanks to Cameroon's inability to win the ball off of their opponents without trying to kill them (like in the video above). We then move on to that Semi Final against the Germans, where they score from a heavily deflected free kick; Lineker saves our bacon near the end; Gazza fouls a German and gets booked meaning he'll miss the Final, if we get there; and we lose on penalties (the start of a tradition).

In the Final Germany beat Argentina 1-0 thanks to a penalty scored by their left footed, left back, with his right foot! The Final is pretty scrappy and the Argentines have two player sent off. Pedro Monzon becoming the first player to be sent off in a World Cup Final. It's also the first Final in which the losing team fail to score, since then there has only been ONE World Cup final in which the losing team has scored (2006) which tells you all you need to know about modern football tactics.

1994
The 1990 World Cup is widely regarded as one of the most negative and defensive tournaments ever (statistically it's the lowest scoring and it had the most penalty shootouts, joint with 2006 I think) but in my head it was great, probably because it was my first World Cup. 1994 was great because 1994 was great!! We were sceptical because football wasn't the number 1 sport in America (it was held in America by the way) and because England didn't qualify (that was a blessing in disguise, no Gabriel Clarke in the England camp reporting on stuff I couldn't give a toss about, while I'm trying to watch two teams that have nothing to do with England). What we got was a tournament played in glowing sunshine with big superstars like Romario, Roberto Baggio, Hagi, Stoichkov, Klinsmann, Batistuta, it was the best! There's been nothing like it since, nothing close!

Before a ball was kicked we got a chance to see some of the razzmatazz that the Americans could bring to the game in the form of an opening ceremony that many people remember very well. The best and  ost infamous moment of the whole thing being Diana Ross shanking a penalty, that was supposed to burst a goal open, horribly wide of the goal (be patient it's only about a minute and a half into the video).

This is the great Marco Etcheverry, I had genuinely forgotten what he looked like

In the football, Germany beat Bolivia in the opening game, Bolivia's star player, Marco Etcheverry came on as a sub, after much "bigging up" from the BBC commentator (I think it was the great Barry Davies), only to be sent off after a few minutes for striking an opponent. Italy started slowly (I think there should be an Italy Slow Starters/Defensive drinking game in this years tournament) losing to Ireland, narrowly beating Norway despite playing with 10 men for most of the game and then drawing with Mexico. Ireland just wanted to get some water on and make a sub against Mexico but the FIFA official was having none of it. Cue a massive row on the touchline while wearing mid 1990s style baseball caps. Italy, Ireland and Mexico all progressed from a ridiculously tight first round group, with Norway losing out on goals scored.

Romario was coolness personified, playing upfront for Brazil, he would spend most of a game doing very little and then burst into action as soon as the ball came near him. He and the baby rocking Bebeto fired Brazil all the way to the final, including both scoring in a 3-2 victory against Holland, which I missed because I was at somebody's 13th birthday party (England weren't even playing right?). Check out the BBC intro to the game, this was entertainment in its own right.

Cameroon proved they were a one hit wonder in 1990. They were terrible in 1994 and have been terrible in every World Cup they've appeared in since. They were so bad, one player, Oleg Salenko, scored 5 times against them in one game (a World Cup record). Nigeria, on the other hand, had a great tournament (and like Cameroon in 1990, would never repeat the same feat), they pushed Argentina close in their group match, beat Bulgaria, who eventually finished 4th; and were only beaten by Roberto Baggio carrying the the slow starting, defensive, Italians.

Maradona got sent home for failing a drugs test, after putting in two great performances in Argentina's first two games (he claimed it was treatment for a cold). Argentina then crash out in the second round to Romania, who like Bulgaria, were having a great tournament being led by their star player Gheorghe Hagi, they along with the USA and Switzerland knocked out Pele's pre tournament picks Colombia (that dude knows nothing, his endorsement is the kiss of death, no pun intended). Unfortunately, their captain Andreas Escobar scored an own goal and was killed by people linked to one of the Colombian drug cartels upon his return to Colombia.

Germany were dumped out by the Bulgarians in the Quarter Finals despite taking the lead through a dodgy penalty. And Sweden reached the Semi Finals, eventually finishing 3rd. The whole tournament was a success with the exception of one thing... The Final.

What the hell is Pele wearing? You would not catch Jogi Löw wearing that!

The Final, a 0-0 draw between Brazil and Italy was one of the worst World Cup finals ever (slightly better than 1990). The only thing of note that happened was some fella called Viola went on a few runs for Brazil (I've never seen or heard of him since) and at one point Pagliuca, the Italian goalkeeper, spilled the ball and it hit both posts. Other than that it was terrible. The only thing worse was Pele's Stars and Stripes tie that he is seen wearing during the Penalty Shootout that Brazil won. Nuff said!

1998
There were a couple of things that I've mentioned in previous posts, that were of note in 1998. The first was Scotland qualified for the World Cup, for the last time to date. And were promptly eliminated in the first round. The 2nd was Ronaldo. See Ronaldo was in the Brazilian squad in 1994 but he wasn't needed, what with Romario and Bebeto around. By 1998 it was his time. He was bang on form and considered the best player in the world. With his goals, Brazil, featuring Roberto Carlos, Rivaldo and Denilson (the ineffective stepover guy), reached the final. Surely they'd win right?

England were back! We actually looked half decent in 1998, comparatively speaking that is. We beat Tunisia and Colombia, fair enough we lost to Romania (thanks Phil Neville!) but genreally this was one of th better England performances at a World Cup that I've watched (except for maybe 2002). Owen scored that goal against Argentina (by the way, it's a good goal but please don't compare it to Maradona, he basically just ran as fast as he could then hit it). Then Beckham goes and gets himself sent off, the game finishes 2-2 and we lose on penalties.

Elsewhere France, the hosts (I'm really bad at this host naming malarky aren't I) playing in their first World Cup since 1986, win their group despite Zidane having a red mist moment and getting himself sent off in one of the games (where have we seen that before?). Then they score the first ever World Cup "Golden Goal"* beating Paraguay 1-0. Beat Italy on penalties in the Quarter Finals, after a 0-0 draw (see my footnote re the Golden Goal) and then beat Croatia 2-1 in the Semi Final thanks to Lilian Thuram scoring his only ever two goals for France in an outer body experience (his description of it, not mine).

Germany got dumped out in the Quarter Finals again, Croatia running riot against them. Holland got to the Semi Finals, beating Argentina in a bad tempered game thanks to one of the great World Cup goals, scored by Dennis "I ain't getting on no plane fool" Bergkamp. The Dutch were stopped on penalties (what!?! didn't anyone go for a "Golden Goal"?) by the Brazilians after a 1-1 draw.

So a it was a France v Brazil Final. Like I was saying before, Brazil with Ronaldo and co surely couldn't be stopped... Or could they? Well on the day of the Final Ronaldo has a seizure at the team hotel, some of his team mates think he's dying, but he recovers and even makes the Brazil starting XI (they rest Leonidas in 38 for no reason yet they play Ronaldo in 98 despite him suffering a pretty traumatic experience?). The whole thing leaves the Brazil team pretty shaken and that coupled with the fact that, in typical Brazilian fashion, they weren't the greatest defenders, Brazil are beaten 3-0. Zidane gets two headed goals from two corners and they get a third catching Brazil on the counter attack.

To be fair though, Brazil may not have won the World Cup in 1998, but they did make one of the greatest Nike adverts of all time.

*What a load of crap the Golden Goal was eh! In case you don't know what it is, it was a rule that said if a knockout game finished level after 90 minutes the two teams would play 30 minutes of extra time where the first team to score would automatically win the match. It was supposed to encourage attacking play and stop penalty shootouts but what it actually did was make teams scared of conceding a goal and create more penalty shootouts. FIFA are such idiots!

Since the 1990s the World Cup has taken a major dip so I'm not gonna go into great detail with the last 3 tournaments. Here's an even briefer summary of them.

2002
Hosted in Korea & Japan. Korea get to the Semis with some dodgy decisions. Ronaldo comes back with a vengeance and scores 8 (including 2 in the final). England aren't that bad, until Ashley Cole has his mind blown by stepovers. And Brazil won it by the way.

2006
Brazil are over the hill. Ronaldinho flops despite being the best player in the world. Germany are decent, despite being rubbish at Euro 2004 (they're the hosts by the way). Argentina look good, but then they lose on penalties to Germany in the Quarter Finals; they then start a fight because they can't take it (remember that phrase from school?). Italy win the tournament; taking, a very defensive, 6 forwards to the tournament (all of whom score on the way to the Final). They beat France who show that despite looking past it, there's still some life left in them.

2010

Terrible World Cup





...I'm genuinely not saying much about it. This was probably my least favourite tournament that I've seen. Spain won (there's something that happened).

Couldn't care less, rubbish World Cup

Supposed I'd better finish this

Posting every week was always gonna be tough. I mean, I'm no journo. I have a full time job, and other interests that take up my time. AND I've never even been into writing. In short it's a miracle that I even update this blog a few times a year. In my excitement for the the upcoming World Cup I started off at 100 miles an hour, posting like clockwork, every Sunday. Then it all fell flat. I was due to post two Sundays ago but I left it until the Bank Holiday. Then on the Bank Holiday I decided to leave it until the Tuesday. Then... Nothing. Then a week had passed and I was late. And now I'm here. Posting again. Two weeks late. It may not be as big a post as some of the others but I feel like it's my duty to share my excitement and impart some of my geekiness upon you all.

So what's been happening?

"Dr Charlton will see you..."

Luis Suarez is injured and has had an operation on his knee. But it's ok though, he'll be fit in time to play a significant part in the World Cup. The Uruguayan FA have confirmed this. Dr Francescoli has done a good job. I know what you folks in the know are thinking, I thought it as soon as I saw the name, "What a coincidence that the Dr that operated on him shares the same surname as one of Uruguay's greatest ever players Enzo Francescoli..." Well I've got news for you, it's his brother. Yep! That's right. Enzo Francescoli's brother performed surgery on Luis Suarez's knee. It's the equivalent of say Jack Charlton performing Wayne Rooney's hair transplant (he's gonna need as much hair on that meat head of his as possible in that Brazilian sun, that dude is not made for hot weather).

Speaking of injuries, a Ghanaian Witchdoctor claims he is behind Cristiano Ronaldo's recent injury problems. The best quote in the story for me was, "...I am very serious about it. Last week, I went around looking for four dogs and I got them to be used in manufacturing a special spirit called Kahwiri Kapam...." What the hell has that man done with those poor dogs??

Elsewhere the Germans are steadily undoing the good work that they have done in the last few years to put themselves up there as front runners for this year's tournament. Firstly, half the team are injured. But they can't really be blamed for that. Then, this they can be blamed for, a few of the players attend a sponsor's event (Mercedes) where they take part in a touring "race" with some professional drivers but they crash, injuring a spectator! On top of that Kevin Grosskreutz has been in trouble for WEEING IN A HOTEL LOBBY and on another occasion throwing a kebab at Cologne fans.

Meanwhile at England's hotel they've thrown away a ton of out to date food that I'm assuming they had been planning to feed to their guests. There goes our excuse for another clueless performance at a major competition...

In terms of our World Cup history lesson we were up to 1978 when I last finished off. We're now in territory where you may well have been born so I shall stop referring to sh*t that happened before we were born (I wasn't born until 1980 by the way so technically 1978 falls into that category).

1978
When I was younger I always wished I'd been around and old enough to have watched the 1978 World Cup. Mainly because of the images of the two teams coming out in the final to a load of blue and white tickertape. Now I'm a little older, I'm not so fussed about the whole thing. It all looks a bit dark and cold (to be fair it was held during the Argentinian winter), but as well as being literally dark the tournament had a metaphorical shade of darkness to it. Argentina (it was held in Argentina by the way, I keep forgetting to mention who the hosts of these tournaments are) was in the grip of a military dictatorship at the time. Thousands of civilians had gone missing, suspectedly at the hands of the government and even the main guy on the organising committee was killed a couple of years before the tournament (and you thought Qatar was dodgy).

As a result of the political situation in Argentina, Johan Cruyff, star of the tournament 4 years earlier, refused to participate in the tournament. On top of that, the circumstances upon which Argentina made it to the final were very suspicious; I'll talk about that in a second. Before we get to the final and 2nd round group stage shenanigans I'll start at the beginning. We, England, didn't qualify in 1978 (we didn't qualify in 74 either), Scotland did though. They were the British Isles' only representative in both the 1974 and 1978 World Cups, and they didn't disappoint! When I say that I mean they did actually disappoint performance wise. Oh in terms of performance Scotland disappointed a lot of people (most of them Scotch, I'd imagine).

Up until 1978 Scotland had qualified for 3 World Cup finals tournaments (1954, 1958 and 1974) and never made it past the 1st round, to this date their record stands at 8 tournaments 8 first round exits. For some reason, in 1978 the Scots, well their manager, thought they could win the whole thing. Now don't get me wrong, this wasn't the Scotland of 2014. They were decent and they could probably have got to the 2nd round with a little more good fortune back then, but winners?

So they release a song about how they're going to win the World Cup (you HAVE to listen to this) but then turn up and lose to Peru and draw with Iran. By this point, sponsors are tearing up agreements, fans are chucking bricks through the FA's windows and the whole campaign is just a bit of a mess. Then just when you feel it's going to get even worse, when they face 1974 runners up (and eventual finalists) Holland in their last group match; they win 3-2, which still sees them eliminated on goal difference, and score one of the best goals scored by a player from the British Isles at the World Cup in the process.

The whole thing was thoroughly entertaining. If by any chance you're interested is reading the full story in detail, I recommend the following link.

Such a motivational speaker

Scotland aside, Holland make the final again. And are beaten by the host nation AGAIN. The tournament has a first round, with four groups of four teams, which then moves into a second round of two groups of the four top two teams from the first round groups. You follow, right?

As Germany and Austria hadn't cheated Algeria yet (we'll get to that in a sec), there was no concept of playing deciding group or league games at the same time at the World Cup or in football in general. So the in the last game of their 2nd round group Argentina know that if they don't beat Peru by at least 4 goals, Brazil will make it to the final at their expense, as the Brazilians had already played their last game earlier that day. Just to clear things up, Peru were no mugs back in 1978 (ask Scotland), they'd won the 1975 Copa America (the South American World Cup ;-)).

But Argentina had a couple of aces up their sleeves... Firstly, the Peruvian goalkeeper was actually born in Argentina. Ok so that doesn't mean that anything untoward happened. I can hear you saying, "So what Travis?" But it didn't stop there. Just to make sure the Peruvians knew the score, El Presidente turned up before the game in their dressing room to give a speech emphasising the "Brotherhood" that should exist between the two nations. Argentina then went on a beat the 1975 Copa America winners 6-0, as you do...

In the final, Argentina beat Holland (minus Cruyff) 3-1 in extra time. The main points to take from it were as follows. Big row at the beginning about a Dutch player's plaster cast on his arm. Kempes, Argentina's hero in the tournament, scores. Holland equalise in the last ten minutes, then hit the post right at the end (oh, what might have been). Kempes bundles one in in extra time then another fella scores (can't remember his name) but by that point the Dutch had given up. The military government loves this all and uses it as part of their propaganda machine, they would stay in power until 1983 (I think it was 83, if I'm wrong I'm sorry, my Argentine history isn't the greatest).

1982
So this was the first World Cup after I was born and it was held in Spain (see, I remembered to tell you). 1982 was a time of change in terms of the World Cup, 24 teams were allowed to qualify instead of the 16 that had qualified from 1954 to 1978. England were back! We qualified for the first time in 12 years (we actually qualified for the first time in 20 years, we automatically qualified in 66 as hosts, and 70 as holders) and went out in the 2nd round despite not actually losing a game (stupid Kevin Keegan missing that header).

Italy gave all lazy pundits who haven't bothered watching them another stereotypical piece of "analysis", on top of calling them "defensive", to use for years to come, by starting the tournament slowly and eventually winning it (I've only seen Italy start one other tournament slowly, that being the 94 World Cup). I think I'm correct in saying, they didn't win a match until the 2nd round.

1982 was all about Brazil though, ask anybody over the age of 45, who the best team they've ever seen at a World Cup is and they'll invariably say that 1982 Brazilian team. I've already posted a link to the Eder's goal against the USSR (here it is again), on top of that there was Zico's free kick against Scotland, Eder's free kick against Argentina (technically Eder scored it) and this ridiculous move that led to Socrates (what a name) scoring against Italy. Pretty much every game they played featured a spectacular goal. However, with the exception of a 1st round group match against New Zealand, every game they played also featured something else. The opposition scoring. Often first too. Brazil had to come back from behind against the USSR and Scotland (who obviously went out in the first round) as well as twice against the Italians, who had decided to start winning matches instead of drawing them. But in their game against Italy they conceded one too many and ended up losing 3-2.

Germany got to the final against Italy but did so in unconvincing fashion. Firstly they had to cheat Algeria out of a place in the 2nd round by beating Austria 1-0. They'd previously lost to Algeria, both sides needed a German 1-0 win to go through on goals scored and their final game was played after the Algerians. As a result FIFA then introducd the rule that all last games of groups/leagues should be played simultaneously.

Just in case the Germans hadn't made enough enemies, their keeper almost killed (not an exaggeration) a French player in a semi final win that saw them come back from 3-1 down to win on penalties with a bicycle kick in extra time. Talk about drama.

In the final, Italy beat them 3-1 and were even able to afford to miss a penalty. The most memorable thing to happen in the game was Marco Tardelli's celebration for the 2nd goal. Oh and Dino Zoff became the oldest World Cup winner at 40 (he was their captain).

1986
It's widely believed that the 1986 World Cup was one of the best in the modern era. I still wasn't old enough to be that interested in proceedings (I was only 5). Couldn't have been that great if it couldn't tear me away from cartoons.

Stupid internet didn't have the photo! It' the one where he pulls his shirt over his face. This is the best I could find

Italy, the holders, weren't great in 1986. They got off to too slow a start and were a little too defensive... England started slowly, we made a meal out of a group containing Portugal (who weren't the same as the Figo/Ronaldo Portugals we're familiar with), Morocco and Poland. Ray Wilkins got sent off for throwing the ball at the ref, giving European Club Soccer on the SEGA Mega Drive, an image to use when you got knocked out (I can't find an example online!!!). And Bryan Ronbson dislocated his shoulder, that's what you get for such a blatant display of nepotism Bobby!* Gary Lineker saved us and scored five times to get us to the Quarter Finals and that kinda where things kicked off.

So in 1978 Argentina had this 17 year old kid who everyone had been raving about, but they leave him out of the squad. Didn't need him considering they had the Generalissimo giving "inspirational" talks to the opposition. Then in 1982 they take the wonder kid, now 21, but he gets kicked all over the place and eventually is sent off in a crucial game for lashing out. I'm talking about Diego Maradona, I'm assuming you've all heard of him, even the non-football fans. Maradona was the best footballer that has ever existed, in my eyes, and in 1986 he was nearing the height of his powers.

Argentina played England in the Quarter Finals in 1986. Maradona had already had a few moments in Argentina's first few games in the tournament but in the game against England he singled handedly decided the match and gave an incite into two characteristics that would continue to be displayed throughout his career. The first being his willingness to bend the rules. I'm sure you've all seen it. Maradona goes on a run the ball gets flicked into the air by a panicking England defender and he jumps and punches the ball past the keeper. The whole thing is pretty outrageous and I just can't see how he got away with it. Then comes the second characteristic. Sheer brilliance. If you've not seen the 2nd goal he scores or if you're too partisan to appreciate it, I pity you. Genuinely. It's up there with Eder's goal that I talked about further up the page. I'm not gonna describe it, you watch it!

After dumping us out Maradona did it again against Belgium in the Semis and Argentina were in the final. Meanwhile the Germans, like in 1982, were quietly making their way through the tournament. They beat France in the semis again (France had knocked a decent Brazilian team in the Quarter Finals) and met Argentina in probably the most dramatic World Cup final ever. Argentina go 2-0 up and everybody, bar their manager, thinks they've won the game; but the Germans come back to make it 2-2. Rumenigge scores and produces the least celebration that a goal in a World Cup final has ever produced. Does that sentence make sense? I dunno, just watch the goal.

But Maradona has the last laugh, he produces an amazing pass for Burrachga to score the winner, lifts the trophy and then sings a song saying that Argentina are going to win the World Cup and the press are sons of whores while half naked in the changing rooms. I suppose it was better, and more accurate, than Ally's Tartan Army...


*I'm aware Bryan and Bobby Robson weren't related, that was a joke!