I should probably say something

Hello!

Obviously I have more to say than that. I don't know what it is, but for some reason my posting always goes quiet around October. I think it's because I become so immersed in the football season and my own private life that I just feel like I have no time for blogging. I'm currently sitting in a room watching the Pakistan v Australia test match on a dodgy stream, and I thought to myself, "You know you should probably blog something! Anything!" So here it is.

I'm not sure how long or short this will be or even exactly what I'm going to write, this is just the stuff that's going through my head at this moment in time. First things first, on a non-sporting subject it's been kind of a crazy few weeks, it could probably even be argued months. On top of my sister, my 1st cousin (who I am very close to) and I all expecting babies in the next week or so, pretty exciting eh. I've, well we've, experienced a bit of a family tragedy. I'm not going to go into it but all I will say is that it's been a very emotional time which has put things such as football and cricket into perspective. Hence this first paragraph takes president over those subjects.

Vincent with an estate agent

On top of all the changing family dynamics, I am currently considering upping sticks and moving out of London. I say "I" but I actually mean "We", the Mrs and I. It would appear that only Roman Abramovich and the dudes that own Man City and PSG can now afford to buy property in London. That's unless you're willing to move to South East London, which is totally out of the question, for a start it's full of Millwall fans! So as a result we're currently looking for properties in Essex, Billericay, Brentwood and Chelmsford to be precise. And these places aren't cheap either. If London properties are for your Abramovich's and your Arab billionaires; the properties in those parts of Essex are for your Randy Learners (the billionaire Aston Villa owner is actually called "Randy Learner", non-football fans, I haven't made that name up), Gold & Sullivans, Mike Ashleys and your crazy Vincent Tans. They're that next step down in terms of price. Still bloody expensive but attainable without a lottery win. All this talk of Mike Ashley and Vincent Tan makes me feel like signing off all of my emails to local Essex estate agents "...Regards, Cockney Mafia". Or turning up at house viewing with a bright red Cardiff top on and a pair of tailored trousers pulled up so that the waist is above my belly button. Or maybe I'll do a Massimo Cellino and change houses every couple of weeks... The possibilities are endless!

And then there's Cricket. As the song goes. I don't like Cricket! I love it! Although I don't fancy the prospect of having my jewellery taken off me by, "...a brother from the gutter." And I don't particularly like, or love, any form of Limited Overs Cricket. For those of you who don't follow, limited overs cricket is like  trying to do your job but somebody saying to you that you only have an hour or so to do a days work. Then when you rush it and make mistakes, people judge you and say that some of your other colleagues, who you know categorically aren't as good at your job as you are, are on an equal standing as you. Purely because they're better and doing a half a**ed bodged job than you are. This is essentially Limited Overs Cricket i.e. T20 or One Day (50 Over) Cricket. The Cricket I do love is Test Cricket and there's been a bit of that flying about (additionally there will be a lot coming up in November and December). At the moment, as previously mentioned, I am watching Pakistan dominate Australia. The same Australia that spanked England 5-0 last winter and then beat the world's number one team South Africa soon after. Last I checked, Pakistan weren't great when it came to Test Cricket. They weren't bad but they were very inconsistent. Too inconsistent to be troubling an Australian side that seemed to be on the up. But then that's Test Cricket.

The second thing I wanted to speak about on the subject of cricket was my team, the West Indies. I support the West Indies because my dad is from there, and as a child I always remember him passionately supporting the Cricket team. Thing is, back in the 1980's, the West Indies were easy to support. They were the best by a mile, a bit like Liverpool. Whereas now, much like Liverpool, they're a bit of a shambles. And when I say this I don't just mean in terms of their performances, which often leave a lot to be desired. At the moment things are getting pretty ugly in West Indian cricket. It's suffering from almost 30 years of mismanagement and a current crop of players, representing the region, that care more about the money they earn than representing the West Indies in the sport that they supposedly love. Recently the West Indian team flew home early from their tour of India, essentially on strike, because of a pay dispute. And this isn't the first time that this has happened. Personally I'm appalled, and as a person of West Indian decent I'm embarrassed. We are officially the laughing stock of International Cricket.

I often hear non-sports (or should I say non-football) fans moan about how much footballers get paid and think to myself that they're talking bollocks. Sports like Cricket and Football are completely self funded and the every penny that the players earn comes from fans who watch the sport, in some way or another. In addition to this, the players and teams involved in these sports pay substantial amounts of tax, which goes towards public funding, and often make hefty charitable donations. I mean where were all the It's obscene how much these footballers earn, give the money to nurses when Aston Villa carried the name of a local children's charity on their shirts for a season; and rather than collect the millions that they would have earned through a sponsorship deal, made donations to said charity? Barcelona did the same with Unicef a few seasons ago.

Anyway I'm rambling now. The point I was making was that I'm not one to question the legitimate earnings of Sports Stars, even if they play a sport that I hate (if it were up to me golfers would be on the dole, what an awful sport!), but I can't help but see this whole West Indian Cricket team thing as greed. Granted they are professional athletes and they should receive a wage for their services (whatever the going rate is). But going on strike! Refusing to represent the West Indies! I'd give my right arm to have played even one Test Match for the West Indies. I probably wouldn't have been much use with one arm. I mean I played for a Saturday team for years with two arms and failed to make much of an impression. All jokes aside though, these guys will be earning obscene multiples of the average wage in their respective home countries and they're fretting about money?!? Just play Cricket (competently) and be grateful that you were blessed with a talent that set you well above everyone else where you live! It makes me so angry.

On to the business of Football. Yes I have been watching Football. There are two things that  wish to quickly speak about. The first is West Ham. As it's taken me the best part of a day to write this post, I am no longer watching the Pakistan v Australia test match and have just finished watching West Ham come back from two nil down against Stoke to earn a draw. This year I can't believe how well West Ham are playing; and I feel that Sam Allardyce deserves some praise, considering the stick he got last year when things weren't going so well. That being said, to me it's pretty obvious why we're playing so well at the moment. I don't know how much credit Sam can take, I'm not sure if he's in charge of signing players. But the signings of Sakho, Valencia, Kayoute and Song have revolutionised our game.

Anyone who regularly reads this blog will know that in my opinion we didn't play as much long ball as was stereotyped last year. Our problem was that our build up play was slow and predictable, we rarely broke quickly on teams. This year it's all changed. Song & Kayoute have picked up where Diame left off (I was gutted when he went to Hull) and Valencia & Sakho have breathed so much energy into our attacking and defensive games. Now we press high up the pitch, like Barca do. Obviously we're no where near the level that Barcelona play at, but we have benefited hugely from not allowing opposing defenders time on the ball to play out from the back; and not always checking back to play aerial balls into the box regardless of whether the defence have had time to set themselves up to deal with them. Let's see how long this all continues for. We have Carroll returning and Nolan will not want to sit on the bench for the rest of the season. Those guys don't exactly scream Dynamic, Fast Paced Attack.

Lastly I want to talk about Steven Gerrard. He's come under a lot of criticism recently and has been a hot topic of discussion.The other day I was on Facebook where I stumbled across a debate on whether Raul, the great Real Madrid goalscorer, could be considered a legend. By the end of the conversation the debate had descended into whether Gerrard could be considered a legend. Here's my two cents. Steven Gerrard will probably go down as a Liverpool legend. In some circles he may even be considered a Premier League legend. In my eyes, he was just a very good player who could do all of the basics in football competently. Was he a defensive rock like Gattuso, Davids or Viera? No. Does he have the passing range and creativity of say a Nedved, Rui Costa or Pirlo? No. Gerrard, in his heyday was competent doing everything, when playing average opposition he could pass, and shoot from distance and hassle the opposition out of possession. But I can name so many midfielders who aren't as highly regarded who could all of the basics and were additionally exceptional at one of the above mentioned things. I'm not saying Gerrard wasn't a good player, he's just not a legend. Cruyff, Puskas, Di Stefano, Beckenbauer and Charlton were legends. So was Ronaldo and Pele, Maradona and Zidane. Think of it this way, Viera, Keane, Davids, Nedved and co, from Gerrard's generation, are not legends. They were very good players, is Gerrard better than any of them? Not in my opinion.

Finally Gerrard's indifferent form of late (I'm going to be kind and not refer to it as poor) just highlights the simplicity of his game. Gerrard was always about energy, long diagonal balls and 30 yard strikes. Now that his legs have gone with old age, he has been unable to show the subtlety that say Pirlo (or even Lampard for you Premier League only fans) have displayed in their later years and as a result the decline of his powers has seemed far more drastic.

That's it from me, I don't care if you don't agree with any of the above, that's how I see things. Next time I write another post, I expect to be a father!

It's back!

The football's back, I think I'm finally over the World Cup, actually it's probably best we don't talk about the World Cup (you know, it's a bit of a faux pas to talk about your ex on a first date). The football season started last week for me with Reims v PSG in Ligue 1 on Friday, involved a bit of Ajax v Vitesse on Sunday and finally finished with the 2nd half of the Charity Community Shield (I missed the 1st half because I'd totally forgotten it was on). And now this week I'm off to The Boleyn for our first game of the season against Sp*rs, and I'm petrified. I just can't see how we'll get anything out of the game, not after beating them 3 times last year, and then there's all these West Ham fans I keep seeing online, "giving it" like it will be a walkover for us. I'm ashamed to admit it, but they're acting like Sp*rs fans. Touch wood we'll at least get a draw tomorrow and then I don't have to watch that game for another season (I really don't enjoy Sp*rs at home).

Everywhere I look there are previews of the season to come so I thought I'd do my own. Here's 10 things that you may (or may not) see this season.

Manchester United will be good again
I actually found it a bit uncomfortable with them being so bad last year. Especially when all the Liverpool lovers were lording it up. I expect to see an improvement from last year's showing at Old Trafford, not because I think David Moyes is the terrible manager that the media have made him out to be, or because Louis Van Gaal is the knight in shining armour that is also being painted. But because they can only get better, surely. That squad failed last year because it was terrible, not just because of Cleverly or Fellaini, because Fergie had neglected it for a couple of seasons. So this year what's different? Well they have Mata for a whole season and Ander Herrera from my beloved Athletic Club. Plus a fresh pair of scowling, hardened, taking no sh*t, eyes steering the ship in the form of the aforementioned "LVG". Surely they can't be that bad again this year right? Surely!

Arsenal go through the same cycle
We see it every year, they'll have a period where they play amazingly and people start saying, "Oooh! Are they dark horses for the title?" Sanchez will link up with Oeeeeeeeeeeeeerzil, Ramsey, Wilshere, Rosicky, Podolski,  Carzola, Walcott, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Ger-nab-ry and any other attacking midfielder/not quite a centre forward that they have and they'll look unbeatable. Then they'll have that month, the month that everyone's been saying is coming up, the one that's "a true test of their title credentials". The month where they play Man United, Man City, Chelsea, Liverpool in the cup, Bayern Munich in the Champions League, the Sega Team for Virtua striker and Pele and his crew from Escape to Victory. And they'll lose every one of those key games, which will make all the Sp*rs fans happy (and Facebook will blow up with Arsenal jokes). Then they'll get their sh*t together, put together a decent run and finish 4th. Why don't we just give them 77 points now and say they've finished 4th?

I couldn't find a picture of Micah Richards' bum, and if I'm being honest, felt a little uncomfortable searching for one. Take my word for it, it's huge!

Micah Ricahrds finally gets his chance?
Nah, he'll never get any games for City! Everyone knows Zabaleta has got right back locked down. Maybe he'll finally move on? Maybe this year Richards will do something else, like beat Kim Kardashian (and Hulk) to the title of Rear of the Year? And Jimmy Floyd Hasslebank will look on, wondering what might have been, had he still been in the public spotlight... Weird thought, I know. But Richards isn't getting anywhere near that City team and he does have a big a*se. There's more chance of the rear of the year thing happening!

Kim isn't gonna go down without a fight!

West Ham are average
At best! Is Enner Valencia going to score a ton of goals? Or maybe Mauro Zarate? Doubt it. We'll probably have given up on them come the end of November and it will be good old loyal Carlton Cole up top or even worse, the famed 4-6-0! Fingers crossed something decent will happen.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic's powers will start to decline
He took 7 minutes to open his account last week against Reims. And he ended up with a second by the end of the game. The guy is just phenomenal and he's now 33! Surely there'll be a season soon where he doesn't score 20+ goals. Is this going to be it, or is the French league too weak for the fact that he's the wrong side of 30 to matter at the moment? Watch this space, I think he's got another good season left in him.

Great to see Ashley fitting in already (far left)

Ashley Cole will tear it up in Italy
Another player who is 33 (the same age as me, god I'm old for a footballer) is Cashley. Who has decided to make the bold move of going to Roma. Fair play to him, I reckon there's still a season or two left in him and he could potentially do the business in a side that performed VERY well last year. Will he thrive though? Will the Curva Sud (I think Romanistas have the Curva Sud) be singing his name, like the Curva Nord did 20 odd years ago with a certain Paul Gascoinge? Will he be able to handle the intense Italian media? Will he even learn Italian (from what I've seen in the past he's just about got the hang of English)? I'm saying I think he will! I think Roma might win the league this year, down to their signings and Juventus being Conte-less/Allegri-full, come on Ashley show us that you're still a decent giocatore (that's Italian for "player" that is, you can have that one for free Mr Cole)!

I will watch the Eredivise in it's entirety
I'm not 100% sure this will happen, what with baby commitments and other leagues to watch, but for some reason last week I was a little drawn to that Ajax game. I found myself thinking, "You should watch this league more often.." Maybe I will, maybe I'll learn who the good and not so good players are (I pretty much knew NOBODY in the Ajax side until Daley Blind came off the bench). Let's say I will!

I still won't watch the German league
Screw that! I read an article the other day entitled, "Are you a Football Hipster?" and I can safely say I'm not as one of the main qualifiers was having a love for the Bundesliga. I appreciate that the German league has more goals, bigger attendances and some of the best players in Europe in it, but I just can't get on board. This must be how people who hate Italian football feel about Serie A.

Fernando Torres will start scoring goals again
Yeeeeeeeeeeah right! I'm also calling the Diego Costa signing not turning out the way Chelsea expected right now too. Nice and early!

Atletico Madrid will win back to back titles
We can dream. Barcelona and Madrid's response to not winning the league for the 1st time in like 20 years was to sign the best player from the World Cup just gone (Oh the World Cup! My beloved World Cup, I miss you! *sobs into a some tissues*) and the best player in the Premier League last season. Those guys are hurting! I can remember sweating like I was an Atleti fan last year towards the end of the season as they limped over the line in first place, having run out of steam. What are they going to do this year? Hopefully they'll sign Reus to go with Griezmann and Mandzukic (touch wood Song doesn't see him when they play Barca) and put up another great fight.

So it's back, the highs & lows, the twitter rants at the official West Ham account after an inept performance, watching La Liga, Serie A & Ligue 1 on a laptop while the Mrs watches X-Factor and steering clear of Facebook every time Sp*rs win. Come May some of us will be sick of it (my girlfriend definitely will), by that point I definitely won't be interested in watching games containing teams like Leicester and Palace by then unless West Ham are involved (by the way, Palace definitely screwed with Pulis leaving), but we'll have had another history making 10 months of football. Bring it on!!

And then there was nothing!

I know it's late but I've finally brought myself to write about the end of the World Cup. I just couldn't do it before.

We had 64 games over 31 days and now it's all over. There are now 1,412 days until the next time we see another, rounder than ever, World Cup ball kicked in anger. I'm not going to lie, I was depressed at first, genuinely depressed (I think there's something wrong with me). I always am after a World Cup. I didn't want to think about the next football season, it didn't seem right. It was how I'd imagine widows and widowers feel at first if they meet a new partner (obviously their situations are far more serious). I thought it was pretty tasteless of the BBC to have an advert for Match of the Day and the beginning of the new football season straight after the World Cup Final program (and the montage). Don't turn up at the World Cup's funeral and ask for my number! That's just wrong!

Anyway, moving away from widow/morbid talk, it's a bit weird (even for me) and not something I want to trivialise in the slightest. That was a fantastic World Cup, somewhere on a par with 1998 and sitting behind the great 1994 tournament in my books, that's in terms of World Cup's I've experienced. My reasoning behind this being that, it was great at the beginning when the goals were flying in, produced some shocks (England, Italy, Costa Rica, Spain, Greece) and in the end Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil got their comeuppance for playing some pretty horrible, and dirty at times, football. BUT The knockout rounds were lacking somewhat, much like the knockout rounds in every other tournament I've watched with the exception of 1994. When the stakes got higher the play became more cagey and but for that "heat" I spoke of earlier, we'd have probably got even more penalty shoot outs than the, unacceptable, 4 that we had (joint highest with 1990 and 2006).

As everyone is doing (or has done) it, I'm going to give you a brief run down of my favourite and not so favourite things that happened in the World up that has just passed (not that my opinion means anything, just my thoughts).

Best Team
Germany were obviously the best team in the tournament, but not just because they won it. They scored the most goals and absolutely pummelled Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil and their former colonial rulers Portugal; bet you Angola or Guinea Bissau won't be queueing up to play them in any competitive matches in the future (check out my Portuguese colonial knowledge). Chile and Colombia should also get a mention too. Chile for their attacking high energy game, which included almost certainly the shortest centreback I've ever seen (if you exclude Sunday football). And Colombia also for their attacking style but mainly for things like this and this. And for bringing on their 43 year old goalkeeper, just so he could get a game, against Japan.

Best Player
Hands down this was "Hamez" Rodriguez, I'm not going to lie. Before the World  Cup I knew he was good, I'd seen him play at Monaco and a little bit at Porto and I knew Colombia wouldn't struggle without Falcao what with the likes of "Hamez", Cuadrado (I'm shocked at how few people were aware of how good he was) and co. But I never thought he was going to have that good a tournament and end up securing a move to Real Madrid. Messi also had a decent tournament, although I'm not sure his performances were worthy of the Golden Ball (FIFA in strange voting scandal, never??) and the likes of Robben, Müller (writing that just reminded me of that sh*t Müller who played for Brazil in 1990), Navas, Ochoa and I suppose Neymar, deserve a mention.

Worst Player
Balotelli! Don't tell me you're going to beat Costa Rica and you want a kiss from the Queen for doing so when all you'r actually going to do is stand offside all game and miss sitters!

Worst Team
There are so many candidates. England were tactically and technically inept AGAIN. Italy didn't show up, except for against England; the youngsters like Immobile and Insigne looked lost. Spain had a bit of a disastrous tournament, the less said about them the better. But then there was Cameroon. Cameroon got off the to the best possible start with a row over player bonuses, which saw the team refuse to board the plane to Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil, then imploded against Croatia. It's also worth mentioning that Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil were pretty bad too, based on their performances they shouldn't have gotten anywhere near the Semi Finals.

Best Celebration
It was a close run contest between the above Colombian celebrations and this one, but it's got to be Ghana after Asamoah Gyan scores against Germany. I love African teams at the World Cup!

Other sh*t that happened that I want to talk about
What the hell is Up with Ian Wright and Glenn Hoddle's relationship? He's not been your boss for nigh on 20 years you fool! Stop calling him "Gaffer", it's really cringey. ITV's whole set up was expectedly weird from start to finish with the only highlights being Fabio Cannavaro and Martin O'Neil. Meanwhile on BCC, who told Rio Ferdinand that that double breasted suit he wore for the final looked good?

I know it's already been said but I must reiterate, he totally looks like an airline pilot

That insect that landed on "Hamez" Rodriguez when he scored against Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil, like what the actual f*ck!! I'd have embarrassed myself in front of the watching world if anything like that beast came near me, not even going to pretend like I wouldn't.

Screw that! I'd be on the first plane out of Manaus or wherever the f*ck they were!

That "Adios Espana" guy must have egg on his face now. I mean what the hell are you doing with an iPad at the football anyway...

Finally, here are the closing montages, they're the best thing about the final stages of any major tournament...

So there we have it, the World Cup came and went. We had standing elbow drops, money convoys, choreographed dance routines, insects and iPad w*nkers. Who knows what we'll get in Russia in 2018, who knows what we'll be doing. I'll have a 3 year old son by then; who, by the way, should be eligible to play for England, Switzerland, Germany or Antigua in around 2034 (watch this space if you work at the FA in any of those countries). Though it'll probably be all robots then or like that Nike advert with the perfect team.

PS I suppose I'm going to have to talk about club football soon, that's coming. By the way I totally called West Ham signing Enner Valencia during the Ecuador v Honduras game!

Last night - Brazil vs Germany

So last light was pretty special eh?

How many of you predicted that was going to happen? It'll probably never happen again. It definitley won't happen in the final. I have to say, I was shocked. If you're not sure what I'm on about i.e. you've been living under a rock. Just to inform you, last night in the Semi Final of the 2014 World Cup, the hosts Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil played Germany for the 2nd time ever in the World Cup. The two most successful World Cup nations of all time* going toe to toe for a place in the Final. And the game didn't disappoint did it. Why? Well because Dracula was refereeing!

I'm not messing about by the way. Check out who last night's referee was. I'm just surprised he was given the game, in the past I had got the impression that Dracula (Marco Antonio Rodríguez) wasn't a great referee, also he was the referee who, earlier in the tournament, missed the Luis Suarez bite on Georgio Chiellini. Oh the irony! A player biting an opponent (near his neck) when the ref was Dracula!! And getting away with it!!! He probably thought that was normal behaviour.

Didn't miss Marchisio's foul did you Dracula?!?

Just so you all know, that wasn't the only time a vampire has been involved in football this season. Anyone who follows me on Twitter (@ntrav99) may have seen my tweet from a few months ago when I saw a vampire lurking at an Athletic Bilbao game...

Eyeing up Susaeta's neck...

 Obviously I'm messing about re last night's game and there was a much bigger talking point that I'm leading on to. The biggest shock for me last night, and I'd suspect for many others who watched the game, was that Germany were playing in their away kit and it WAS NOT GREEN! What the hell? What is going on with football kit's nowadays? Tradition seems to be continually forsaken in the name of making Nike, Puma and Adidas a quick buck. Add to this that Sepp Blatter has already expressed a wish for teams to play in simpler kits as he feels it makes the referee's job easier.

This is THE German away kit! End of!

Screw that Sepp! We survived for over a hundred years with it the way it was and nobody ever complained of not being able to make two teams out (except for that time when Alex Ferguson made Man U change at half time because they were getting pummelled by Southampton).

Here's the deal, the following kit combinations should be kept to at all times, I expect this to be enforced in the next World Cup (in fact I might start one of those online petitions, I see petitions for anything these days).

England should play in white shirts, blue shorts and white socks. In the event that they play a team who predominately wears white they should switch to red shirts, white shorts and red socks. None of this all white rubbish! The same goes for France, where the hell have the white shorts gone?? Sometimes they don't even have red socks (sacrilege)!

Spain! Where the hell have the blue/navy/black shorts gone?!? You guys got too big for your boots, that's why you crashed out in the first round! Fix those shorts! We've already touched on Germany, but just to reiterate. Black shorts on the home kit. Green shirts, white shorts and green socks for the away kit. Don't make me have to write to Adidas!

They're barely red

Argentina, like Spain, need to bring back the black/navy shorts. Don't think I haven't noticed you trying to sneak white in instead! Mexico have tried a similar manoeuvre with their socks, this years socks are barely passable as red, they're more white! RED!

All I'm saying is all hell is gonna break loose in the Newton household if I ever ever ever watch Peru play and they don't have the red sash. I dare them to remove it!

I suppose I should probably talk about last night's result. Germany thrashed Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil 7-1, which is now the new record score for a World Cup semi final (surpassing the two 6-1s in 1930). Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil were diabolical, I mean I said they were bad, and they are, but last night they were particularly bad. I suppose it was coming though. In my opinion Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil have had one decent game and that was against Cameroon, who we all know thought they were WWF (ha ha I said "F" again, World Wildlife Federation you can't sensor me!) wrestlers.

If you think about it Brazil were fortunate against Croatia, held by Mexico, almost knocked out by Chile (even though the Chileans didn't have their greatest game) and could only beat Colombia by kicking the cr*p out of "Hamez" Rodriguez (and had the cheek to try and make out like Zuniga meant to hurt Neymar).

So you know what, good riddance Braaaaaaaaasiiil Braaaaaaaaasiiil, that's what you get for leaving Kaka at home!

And that's all I have to say.

*In terms of games won, goals scored and finals reached, Italy have won more actual World Cups than Germany.

25 Things that you shouldn't do at or during the 2014 World Cup

I feel like every post I write starts with an apology for not posting in a while. I'm sorry, I've just been so caught up in the World Cup. I've actually started a couple of blog posts. I can prove it, I have the drafts. I'm not showing you my drafts though! You're not stealing my thoughts! You'll have to just take my word for it. While watching the football and fretting about when to do my next update I came up with this. Here's 25 things you shouldn't do at or during the 2014 World Cup.

1. Don't rely on the same core group of players you've had for the last 6 years now. Especially when you were taken apart in the dress rehearsal for the tournament a year ago. Holland and Chile will have a field day.

2. Don't hold a World Cup preparation camp months before the tournament and stress the importance of fitness if you're gonna be struggling a game and a half into the competition against Cost Rica

3. Don't underestimate the importance of the heat in this tournament. Croatia died against Mexico, as did Germany against Ghana and Bosnia against Nigeria. The heat has also been responsible for the encouragingly high goals per game ratio and some great battles in Extra Time. When was the last time you saw teams trading goals in Extra Time, it just doesn't happen nowadays. Expect a return to normality come next season and in 2018.

4. Don't leave two of your most prolific goalscorers at home, especially after one has worked so hard to get back to fitness and if one of the players you're going to take is renowned for blowing hot and cold.

5. Don't tell me that Cahill's goal was the best ever or as good as Van Basten's. It wasn't. It was good but there have been better at this tournament alone.Van Persie's header was better. So was Rodriguez's volley.

6. Don't turn up and play the same basic, technically deficient, kick and rush game that hasn't worked at EVERY World Cup except for one where you got favourable decisions cos you were at home, you'll get ONE point off of Costa Rica!

7. Don't blame the Manager if the above point happens. He hasn't made these players technically deficient.

What the actual f***!?!?

8. Don't turn up and row over bonuses (I almost wrote "boni", would the plural of bonuses be "boni") or force a money convey to be sent halfway across the world...

9. Don't try to elbow your opponent in the back WWF (I'm not saying WWE I was born in the 80's, sue me World Wildlife Foundation) off the top rope elbow drop style. I've watched a lot of football in my time. I'm not suggesting for a second that Song should have attacked Mandzukic in a more damaging way or condoning violence (especially serious assault) on the football field. But what on earth was that elbow about?!? Footballers elbow other footballers. As I said, it's not something I particularly want to see as it's can be very damaging. But they just don't do what Alex Song did, what was that??

10. Don't fight your team mate or your manager.

11. Don't think that an injured Cristiano Ronaldo can work miracles

12. Don't think Brazil are any good. They're not!

13. Don't talk about James Rodriguez as if he's come from nowhere and he's waiting to be snapped up by a big team. He cost Monaco €45m last summer, he's very much established as a very good player. The point of them buying him was to become a big team.

14. Don't refer to James Rodriguez as "James", it's "Ha-mez". It's not like "Ha-mez" is hard to say!

This is just stupid, I'm funnier than this!

15. Don't bite an opponent. Especially if you've got previous for doing so. You'll get caught and people will be making stupid social media memes for years to come.

16. Don't get in a fight with Honduras! They'll kill you!

17. Don't back Uruguay based on the fact that Luis Suarez plays for them. They're not that good, even when Cavani is on form.

18. Don't tell me the Ecuador v Honduras wasn't one of the most entertaining games of the tournament. Purely based on the lack of quality on show and the sheer rawness of some of the tackles.

19. Don't think that Greece can't sneak out of a group despite being pretty uninspiring throughout their 3 games. Euro 2004 & 2012 taught us that could happen.

20. Don't underestimate France, especially in Euro 2016. They've been bloody good, and this is without Ribery!

21. Don't let Klose break Ronaldo's goalscoring record. The man hasn't scored a goal from further than 12 yards out and most of them have come in group matches against lesser opposition.

22. Don't let the game pass you by when you're 1-0 down against the Germans in the Quarter Final. What the hell were France playing at?

23. Don't tell me this is the best modern World Cup, unless by "modern" you mean post 2000. I can't speak for 1986 as I didn't see it at the time but I've been told it was good. I can however assure you that at good as this tournament has been, it's still some way behind 1994. If you think I'm exaggerating go on YouTube and search Nigeria v Italy, Argentina v Romania, Sweden v Romania, Italy v Spain, Brazil v Holland there's loads! And as for the stars, Messi, Neymar and Rodriguez may have had good tournaments so far but they can be matched (if not surpassed) by Romario, Hagi, Stoichkov, Roberto Baggio and Brolin.

24. Don't hold out for a better "cash out" offer on your bet of Mexico to qualify when they're 1-0 against Holland up but defending a corner with just 4 minutes to go. Take the money and run!

25. Don't fall behind when you promised to do regular blog posts; with three games happening every day, you'll never catch up

Africans, Look-a-Likes and Prediction Competitions

Which Greek player is this?? Who knows?

We're 5 days into to the 2014 World Cup and, as I was saying on Saturday, it's been brilliant. There have been late goals and drama all over the show. We've seen almost everyone play once now, with the exception of Group H; containing, the lightest of "Dark Horses" Belgium (every man and his dog thinks they're going to do well, they can hardly be called dark horses). Can I just say, I don't think Belgium are going to be spectacular, I expect them to progress from their group but that's about it.

Anyway, away from the Belgium talk as I was saying it's been a fantastic tournament so far. England got off to an encouraging start, even if we did lose. We showed a bit of attacking threat against the Italians and made them uncomfortable for periods of the game. The bad sides to our performance were that we were a bit dodgy at the back and there were periods where our midfield couldn't get near Pirlo and Verratti; there was a sense that the Italians had us where they wanted us to be (and they did hit the post & bar and have a shot cleared off the line). I found it to be a thoroughly engrossing game, bring on Uruguay (who, by the way I said would struggle)!

There have been a couple of downsides to this tournament, the first is the game times. I'm not sure if I want more 5pms or 11pms? With the 5pms I basically have to rush home from work and miss the first 10 minutes of the game. Thank god I now work across the road from home, which is purely a lucky coincidence (that wasn't part of the search criteria when I was looking for somewhere to live). The 11pm starts are just as bad. Although I don't miss any of the action, I'm really struggling to stay awake. Speaking of staying awake, I totally messed up the 2am Ivory Coast v Japan game the other day. Not only did I fall asleep during parts of it, but each of my snoozes coincided with the time at which the goals were scored and then I ended up falling asleep on the sofa only to be woken up by the Mrs at 6am, who came it wondering why I hadn't come to bed. Worst was to come, having thought to myself, "Ah, it was a tad ambitious expecting to stay up until quarter to 4. It's not like England were playing..." I then awoke at some point late on Sunday morning to find that the World and his dog had actually  braved it and watched the full 90 minutes!! Even my dad was like, "What? You didn't watch Ivory Coast v Japan? Pfft!" Thank god there's no more 2ams, I couldn't deal with the shame...

The second negative point at this year's tournament has been the performance of the African nations so far. Now I can't speak for the Ivory Coast, as you know I was "catching some Zzzzs", but Cameroon and Nigeria were terrible in their first two games. Cameroon are taking the mick, the players had the cheek to refuse to board their flight to Brazil as they were in the midst of a row over player bonuses. If I was the FA I'd have promised them a huge bonus and then made it performance related! It's an absolute disgrace that a footballer needs to be monetarily coerced into playing for their nation at a World Cup. There are millions of people who'd kill to be professional footballers; then of the professional footballers there are thousands who'd kill to play for their national team, then of the national teams there are hundreds who'd kill to make it to the World Cup! These boys need a reality check! It's not like they're skint or hard up for cash! Especially after that woeful performance against Mexico!

The Nigerian FA could have done us all a favour and sorted out the Cameroon row by donating their players' bonus money to them. Because the Nigerian players certainly won't be earning any bonuses if their performances carry on in the same vein. The Nigerians were awful against Iran and the two teams served up the first (and only so far) 0-0 of the tournament. I hate it when commentators stereotype teams but I have to say the Nigerian performance was very typical of games that you seen in the African Nations cup, players charging forward, miscontrolling the ball so much that every second touch is a lunging tackle, woeful shots from 20+ yards out when a pass to team mates would have been more productive... arrgh!!

Best thing about the Nigeria game was the tweet below (I actually laughed almost to the point of tears):-

As mentioned about a million times before (I just can't get over it) this tournament has been refreshingly entertaining and high scoring. There is one downside to this however. That is that I'm struggling badly in the work Prediction Competition. I am running this years competition with another colleague and the stakes are high (there's £200 up for grabs for the winner!) and as a result I've had a chance to look at everyone else's entries. There I was scoffing at others for their lack of 0-0 draws and 1-0 wins, thinking I'd be around the top of the table and in with a shout for getting some of the cash... Goalfest!! Stupid heat!

You've probably noticed I like a look-a-like, I've had quite a bit of positive feedback for my Paulinho is Sri Lankan shout in my last post and as a result have decided to treat you with a couple more. Let's forget that half the Greek team seem to look like Demitrios Salpangidis (half is an exaggeration, it's more like one other player), does anyone else think that Panagiotis Kone looks like he should be some sort of cape wearing, old school villain. The sort that is the arch enemy of somebody like Sherlock Holmes, twiddles his moustache when he's about to do something "Villainy" and who cackles at the thought of the misery he's about to inflict on his victims... No? Just me?

I have images of him tying a damsel to some railway tracks

Forget that though, more importantly. You may or may not have heard that, David Beckham understudy, David Bentley (he even copied the first 7 characters of his name) retired from football last week and the age of just 29. Never fear, Mr Bentley will still have a steady income coming in as he seems to have taken up a post as part of the Chilean coaching staff (as seen during Friday's game against Australia).

Finally, Colombia have decided to tighten up their defence with the former West Indian cricket captain Darren Sammy. Well that's who I saw playing on Saturday against Salpangidis and that Dastardly Panagiotis Kone.

That's enough for today. Let us all enjoy Braaaaaaaaaziiil Braaaaaaaaaziiil against Mexico later! Oh and when did we stop taking goal kicks and corners? Pretty much every corner I've seen and been a short one and keepers never seem to boot the ball forward. Why wasn't this fashionable when I used to play Sunday Football, I hate goal kicks!

What a start! Heat = Goals and Spain aren't done yet

It's here! The World Cup is here! If you're anything like me you'll have pinched yourself at some point in the last 48 hours just to make sure it's all real (I genuinely have, I always do). I managed to pull Nigeria in the office sweepstake and predicted a 2-0 win for Braaaaaaaaaziiil Braaaaaaaaaziiil in the company prediction competition that I'm running, great start what with Croatia taking a 1-0 lead after just 11 minutes.

As per that brief clip above I think ITV have once again trumped BBC in the opening credit stakes. Despite have the worst commentary/analysis team of the two, excluding Cannavaro and Viera (even if Cannavaro does at times struggle to keep up with the English chit chat), ITV tend to make up for it with their opening credits. In the last tournament it was close ITV came up with probably the best opening credits since Glory Land (ITV 1994) or the ITV 1990 theme. But BBC had, what I'd consider their best ever (even including the tournaments I didn't watch because I was too young or not even born).

On the football side of things I've been thoroughly entertained so far. There's been plenty of drama from the word "go" and the lowest scoring game has been a 1-0 for Mexico over Cameroon. I have a theory with the number of goals we have had so far in the tournament, I could be proved wrong as there are another 60 games to go, but here it is.

Now that you've been equipped with the history of the World Cup thanks to my comprehensive guide (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5) you'll know that the best and most entertaining tournaments were Mexico 70, Spain 82, Mexico 86 & USA 94. I confess that at no point do I actually say this in my previous posts. This is solely based on my opinion, which has been formed, watching some of these tournaments, either at the time or through clips and reading about them and what others have thought. There's a constant theme with all of the above tournaments though, sunshine. Sunshine (well heat actually) and goals.

Sure let him down!

Anybody as well versed in this World Cup malarkey will argue that statistically 1986 had a comparatively low goals per game ratio and that 2002 also had games played in the sapping heat (just ask, then Spain manager Jose Camacho). But my counter argument for that is 1986 saw some of the World Cup's great topsy turvy goalfests. Italy v South Korea and Denmark v Uruguay in the groups; Denmark v Spain and Belgium v USSR in the 2nd round; and the Final itself where Germany came back from 2-0 down to level the game, only for Argentina to snatch a winner near the end.

If you don't believe me I have further evidence. The 2 most open and attacking World Cup's since everybody (rather cynically) realised you stood a better chance winning in football if you defended well, somewhere in the 1970's? have been 1982 and 1994. 82 has the highest goal ratio of a "modern" tournament and Spain was pretty hot the last time I checked.

If you think of all of the big (colour TV) goalfests in the history of the tournament they can be traced back to these tournaments. Italy 4 West Germany 3 & England 2 West Germany 3 (70); Braaaaaaaaaziiil Braaaaaaaaaziiil 2 Italy 3 & West Germany 3 France 3 (82); Romania 3 Argentina 2, Germany 3 Belgium 2, Holland 2 Braaaaaaaaaziiil Braaaaaaaaaziiil 3 & Romania 2 Sweden 2 (94). I rest my case.

As players get hot and tired they get slacker, especially defensively, and they start to take risks like hitting long balls (oh god, watch out for England tonight then) or long shots. Add in the fact that once a team goes behind in a game they sometimes have to abandon their game plan and open up a little and you'll get goals. My thought was that the early games wouldn't see so much of this as teams would rather stay compact and see out a slow 0-0 draw (that could still well happen, were only four games in) and that as the tournament went on and players got more tired, due to the affects of playing twice a week in the stifling heat, the goals would start raining in. Let's see, I could be totally wrong and we could be in for 4 weeks of 1-0 wins from this point onwards...

He does look like a child soldier. The moustache doesn't help!

The story so far sees Braaaaaaaaaziiil Braaaaaaaaaziiil beating Croatia in there opening game, coming from behind with the aid of some questionable refereeing decisions, but then this is why host nations always do well (unless you're South Africa), referees are influenced by the noise the crowd makes when there is a contentious decision. We are too. When was the last time you saw a player go down, not much of a fuss made by the crowd and you thought, "That's a definite foul!" They're human. That main thing I took from that game was that the Braaaaaaaaaziiil Braaaaaaaaaziiil fans can't give Diego Costa too hard a time for playing for Spain (instead of Braaaaaaaaaziiil Braaaaaaaaaziiil, his country of birth), they've got Paulinho and Luiz Gustavo who are clearly Sri Lankan and Rwandan. Gustavo looks like one of those 11 year old child soldiers that you see in documentaries, with a cigarette in his mouth and an AK-47 in his hands (can I just say, as I'm aware that's a bit close to the mark, I'm not making light of the plight of these kids, what happens to them which forces them to be party of these rebel "armies" is actually shocking).

He's probably got one eye on this week's 1st Test at Lords

It's not the first time Braaaaaaaaaziiil Braaaaaaaaaziiil have had Sri Lankans in their squad , remember Emerson?

Elsewhere, lazy pundits are now writing Spain off because of their 5-1 defeat to the Dutch. As a result I've just put and eachway bet on Spain to win the tournament, their odds are now, stupidly, out at 11/1 (based on my previous form with bets that's probably the kiss of death). Let me straighten things out right now though. I don't think Spain will win the tournament, yes because they've aged (and you need young legs to play in the sun), but not because of last night. Last night they were the more threatening team up until the point at which Holland went 2-1 up (remember Silva had a great chance to extend the lead when it was 1-0). Once they went 2-1 down they had to come forward with more urgency and leave gaps at the back, that coupled with the heat... Goals!

Statement

To all concerned,

Between 12th of June and the 13th July 2014 I shall be watching the World Cup. I intend to watch as many matches as possible. Yes, the game at 2am on the 15th and yes games where England aren't playing. Please do not be offended if I decline random after work drinks and other social gatherings. I will try and attend engagements I am invited to but please note anything that clashes with a game runs the risk of me being a "no show". "I'm sure they'll have it on... ...there'll be others that'll want to see it too." will not be enough to convince me. The World Cup happens once every 4 years and once it is over the long wait begins again.

Thank you.

Travis Nigel Newton

PS This isn't me being presumptuous and assuming I'm so popular I'll be inundated with social invitations in the next month, I'm just putting the shout out to avoid any confusion.

PPS I suggest you get watching some games!

I'm back again, let's finish this shiz!

I've left  myself with a bit to do before the World Cup starts so you've got an update just over 48 hours since the last one. Why the hell am I doing this? I'm not a journo (you can probably tell that from my basic spelling mistakes). I can see that people are reading this stuff but to my knowledge nobody's demanding it?

Oh well, I am doing this. Let's cut to the chase, ditch the small talk and get down to the dirty business of talking World Cup history. Where were we? Oh 1990!

1990
1990 was the year I joined the party. I started watching football in the 1988/89 season meaning I missed Euro 88, so Italia 90 (the 1990 World Cup was in Italy by the way) was the first major tournament I ever saw. And you kids today don't know you're born. You've got YouTube, Sky Sports, BT Sport, ESPN, the Champions League (back then it was the European Cup and English teams were banned from it) and all that jazz. Back then in the build up to the tournament I think I saw a montage on BBC1 which lasted less than 5 minutes. And that was my World Cup build up.

Nearer the tournament somebody bought me a World Cup annual so I was able to have a look at some of the players that were going to be involved. The point I'm trying to make is that, come the opening game I knew next to nothing about Cameroon and actually pretty little about Argentina barring that Maradona was their main man. So while Cameroon beating the reigning champions 1-0 in the first game was a surprise to me, it wasn't until years later that the gravity of their victory hit home. To summarise, 1990 World Cup starts, reigning champions are beaten by a load of blokes that mainly played in the French 2nd division.

Argentina would struggle through the tournament but reach the final. Cameroon, on the other hand, would wow everyone with their colourful football, which was pretty raw at times, and almost beat us in the Quarter Finals.

Speaking of us, England did the best they've ever done at a World Cup, barring 1966 when we won it. But don't let the stat fool you. It was hardly a vintage performance. First there was the group stage. We draw 1-1 with Ireland, Holland and Egypt draw 1-1. Then we draw 0-0 with Holland, Ireland and Egypt draw 0-0. Finally we beat Egypt... 1-0 (Mark Wright header I believe), meanwhile Ireland and Holland draw 1-1 and as a result lots are drawn to decide who finishes higher of the two. To this day England's group in 1990 is probably one of the most boring groups I've ever experienced at a World Cup.

Moving on from the groups, England play Belgium in the 2nd round and score in the last minute of extra time to win 1-0. Then we play Cameroon and come back from being 2-1 with less than 20 minutes to go to win 3-2, mainly thanks to Cameroon's inability to win the ball off of their opponents without trying to kill them (like in the video above). We then move on to that Semi Final against the Germans, where they score from a heavily deflected free kick; Lineker saves our bacon near the end; Gazza fouls a German and gets booked meaning he'll miss the Final, if we get there; and we lose on penalties (the start of a tradition).

In the Final Germany beat Argentina 1-0 thanks to a penalty scored by their left footed, left back, with his right foot! The Final is pretty scrappy and the Argentines have two player sent off. Pedro Monzon becoming the first player to be sent off in a World Cup Final. It's also the first Final in which the losing team fail to score, since then there has only been ONE World Cup final in which the losing team has scored (2006) which tells you all you need to know about modern football tactics.

1994
The 1990 World Cup is widely regarded as one of the most negative and defensive tournaments ever (statistically it's the lowest scoring and it had the most penalty shootouts, joint with 2006 I think) but in my head it was great, probably because it was my first World Cup. 1994 was great because 1994 was great!! We were sceptical because football wasn't the number 1 sport in America (it was held in America by the way) and because England didn't qualify (that was a blessing in disguise, no Gabriel Clarke in the England camp reporting on stuff I couldn't give a toss about, while I'm trying to watch two teams that have nothing to do with England). What we got was a tournament played in glowing sunshine with big superstars like Romario, Roberto Baggio, Hagi, Stoichkov, Klinsmann, Batistuta, it was the best! There's been nothing like it since, nothing close!

Before a ball was kicked we got a chance to see some of the razzmatazz that the Americans could bring to the game in the form of an opening ceremony that many people remember very well. The best and  ost infamous moment of the whole thing being Diana Ross shanking a penalty, that was supposed to burst a goal open, horribly wide of the goal (be patient it's only about a minute and a half into the video).

This is the great Marco Etcheverry, I had genuinely forgotten what he looked like

In the football, Germany beat Bolivia in the opening game, Bolivia's star player, Marco Etcheverry came on as a sub, after much "bigging up" from the BBC commentator (I think it was the great Barry Davies), only to be sent off after a few minutes for striking an opponent. Italy started slowly (I think there should be an Italy Slow Starters/Defensive drinking game in this years tournament) losing to Ireland, narrowly beating Norway despite playing with 10 men for most of the game and then drawing with Mexico. Ireland just wanted to get some water on and make a sub against Mexico but the FIFA official was having none of it. Cue a massive row on the touchline while wearing mid 1990s style baseball caps. Italy, Ireland and Mexico all progressed from a ridiculously tight first round group, with Norway losing out on goals scored.

Romario was coolness personified, playing upfront for Brazil, he would spend most of a game doing very little and then burst into action as soon as the ball came near him. He and the baby rocking Bebeto fired Brazil all the way to the final, including both scoring in a 3-2 victory against Holland, which I missed because I was at somebody's 13th birthday party (England weren't even playing right?). Check out the BBC intro to the game, this was entertainment in its own right.

Cameroon proved they were a one hit wonder in 1990. They were terrible in 1994 and have been terrible in every World Cup they've appeared in since. They were so bad, one player, Oleg Salenko, scored 5 times against them in one game (a World Cup record). Nigeria, on the other hand, had a great tournament (and like Cameroon in 1990, would never repeat the same feat), they pushed Argentina close in their group match, beat Bulgaria, who eventually finished 4th; and were only beaten by Roberto Baggio carrying the the slow starting, defensive, Italians.

Maradona got sent home for failing a drugs test, after putting in two great performances in Argentina's first two games (he claimed it was treatment for a cold). Argentina then crash out in the second round to Romania, who like Bulgaria, were having a great tournament being led by their star player Gheorghe Hagi, they along with the USA and Switzerland knocked out Pele's pre tournament picks Colombia (that dude knows nothing, his endorsement is the kiss of death, no pun intended). Unfortunately, their captain Andreas Escobar scored an own goal and was killed by people linked to one of the Colombian drug cartels upon his return to Colombia.

Germany were dumped out by the Bulgarians in the Quarter Finals despite taking the lead through a dodgy penalty. And Sweden reached the Semi Finals, eventually finishing 3rd. The whole tournament was a success with the exception of one thing... The Final.

What the hell is Pele wearing? You would not catch Jogi Löw wearing that!

The Final, a 0-0 draw between Brazil and Italy was one of the worst World Cup finals ever (slightly better than 1990). The only thing of note that happened was some fella called Viola went on a few runs for Brazil (I've never seen or heard of him since) and at one point Pagliuca, the Italian goalkeeper, spilled the ball and it hit both posts. Other than that it was terrible. The only thing worse was Pele's Stars and Stripes tie that he is seen wearing during the Penalty Shootout that Brazil won. Nuff said!

1998
There were a couple of things that I've mentioned in previous posts, that were of note in 1998. The first was Scotland qualified for the World Cup, for the last time to date. And were promptly eliminated in the first round. The 2nd was Ronaldo. See Ronaldo was in the Brazilian squad in 1994 but he wasn't needed, what with Romario and Bebeto around. By 1998 it was his time. He was bang on form and considered the best player in the world. With his goals, Brazil, featuring Roberto Carlos, Rivaldo and Denilson (the ineffective stepover guy), reached the final. Surely they'd win right?

England were back! We actually looked half decent in 1998, comparatively speaking that is. We beat Tunisia and Colombia, fair enough we lost to Romania (thanks Phil Neville!) but genreally this was one of th better England performances at a World Cup that I've watched (except for maybe 2002). Owen scored that goal against Argentina (by the way, it's a good goal but please don't compare it to Maradona, he basically just ran as fast as he could then hit it). Then Beckham goes and gets himself sent off, the game finishes 2-2 and we lose on penalties.

Elsewhere France, the hosts (I'm really bad at this host naming malarky aren't I) playing in their first World Cup since 1986, win their group despite Zidane having a red mist moment and getting himself sent off in one of the games (where have we seen that before?). Then they score the first ever World Cup "Golden Goal"* beating Paraguay 1-0. Beat Italy on penalties in the Quarter Finals, after a 0-0 draw (see my footnote re the Golden Goal) and then beat Croatia 2-1 in the Semi Final thanks to Lilian Thuram scoring his only ever two goals for France in an outer body experience (his description of it, not mine).

Germany got dumped out in the Quarter Finals again, Croatia running riot against them. Holland got to the Semi Finals, beating Argentina in a bad tempered game thanks to one of the great World Cup goals, scored by Dennis "I ain't getting on no plane fool" Bergkamp. The Dutch were stopped on penalties (what!?! didn't anyone go for a "Golden Goal"?) by the Brazilians after a 1-1 draw.

So a it was a France v Brazil Final. Like I was saying before, Brazil with Ronaldo and co surely couldn't be stopped... Or could they? Well on the day of the Final Ronaldo has a seizure at the team hotel, some of his team mates think he's dying, but he recovers and even makes the Brazil starting XI (they rest Leonidas in 38 for no reason yet they play Ronaldo in 98 despite him suffering a pretty traumatic experience?). The whole thing leaves the Brazil team pretty shaken and that coupled with the fact that, in typical Brazilian fashion, they weren't the greatest defenders, Brazil are beaten 3-0. Zidane gets two headed goals from two corners and they get a third catching Brazil on the counter attack.

To be fair though, Brazil may not have won the World Cup in 1998, but they did make one of the greatest Nike adverts of all time.

*What a load of crap the Golden Goal was eh! In case you don't know what it is, it was a rule that said if a knockout game finished level after 90 minutes the two teams would play 30 minutes of extra time where the first team to score would automatically win the match. It was supposed to encourage attacking play and stop penalty shootouts but what it actually did was make teams scared of conceding a goal and create more penalty shootouts. FIFA are such idiots!

Since the 1990s the World Cup has taken a major dip so I'm not gonna go into great detail with the last 3 tournaments. Here's an even briefer summary of them.

2002
Hosted in Korea & Japan. Korea get to the Semis with some dodgy decisions. Ronaldo comes back with a vengeance and scores 8 (including 2 in the final). England aren't that bad, until Ashley Cole has his mind blown by stepovers. And Brazil won it by the way.

2006
Brazil are over the hill. Ronaldinho flops despite being the best player in the world. Germany are decent, despite being rubbish at Euro 2004 (they're the hosts by the way). Argentina look good, but then they lose on penalties to Germany in the Quarter Finals; they then start a fight because they can't take it (remember that phrase from school?). Italy win the tournament; taking, a very defensive, 6 forwards to the tournament (all of whom score on the way to the Final). They beat France who show that despite looking past it, there's still some life left in them.

2010

Terrible World Cup





...I'm genuinely not saying much about it. This was probably my least favourite tournament that I've seen. Spain won (there's something that happened).

Couldn't care less, rubbish World Cup

Supposed I'd better finish this

Posting every week was always gonna be tough. I mean, I'm no journo. I have a full time job, and other interests that take up my time. AND I've never even been into writing. In short it's a miracle that I even update this blog a few times a year. In my excitement for the the upcoming World Cup I started off at 100 miles an hour, posting like clockwork, every Sunday. Then it all fell flat. I was due to post two Sundays ago but I left it until the Bank Holiday. Then on the Bank Holiday I decided to leave it until the Tuesday. Then... Nothing. Then a week had passed and I was late. And now I'm here. Posting again. Two weeks late. It may not be as big a post as some of the others but I feel like it's my duty to share my excitement and impart some of my geekiness upon you all.

So what's been happening?

"Dr Charlton will see you..."

Luis Suarez is injured and has had an operation on his knee. But it's ok though, he'll be fit in time to play a significant part in the World Cup. The Uruguayan FA have confirmed this. Dr Francescoli has done a good job. I know what you folks in the know are thinking, I thought it as soon as I saw the name, "What a coincidence that the Dr that operated on him shares the same surname as one of Uruguay's greatest ever players Enzo Francescoli..." Well I've got news for you, it's his brother. Yep! That's right. Enzo Francescoli's brother performed surgery on Luis Suarez's knee. It's the equivalent of say Jack Charlton performing Wayne Rooney's hair transplant (he's gonna need as much hair on that meat head of his as possible in that Brazilian sun, that dude is not made for hot weather).

Speaking of injuries, a Ghanaian Witchdoctor claims he is behind Cristiano Ronaldo's recent injury problems. The best quote in the story for me was, "...I am very serious about it. Last week, I went around looking for four dogs and I got them to be used in manufacturing a special spirit called Kahwiri Kapam...." What the hell has that man done with those poor dogs??

Elsewhere the Germans are steadily undoing the good work that they have done in the last few years to put themselves up there as front runners for this year's tournament. Firstly, half the team are injured. But they can't really be blamed for that. Then, this they can be blamed for, a few of the players attend a sponsor's event (Mercedes) where they take part in a touring "race" with some professional drivers but they crash, injuring a spectator! On top of that Kevin Grosskreutz has been in trouble for WEEING IN A HOTEL LOBBY and on another occasion throwing a kebab at Cologne fans.

Meanwhile at England's hotel they've thrown away a ton of out to date food that I'm assuming they had been planning to feed to their guests. There goes our excuse for another clueless performance at a major competition...

In terms of our World Cup history lesson we were up to 1978 when I last finished off. We're now in territory where you may well have been born so I shall stop referring to sh*t that happened before we were born (I wasn't born until 1980 by the way so technically 1978 falls into that category).

1978
When I was younger I always wished I'd been around and old enough to have watched the 1978 World Cup. Mainly because of the images of the two teams coming out in the final to a load of blue and white tickertape. Now I'm a little older, I'm not so fussed about the whole thing. It all looks a bit dark and cold (to be fair it was held during the Argentinian winter), but as well as being literally dark the tournament had a metaphorical shade of darkness to it. Argentina (it was held in Argentina by the way, I keep forgetting to mention who the hosts of these tournaments are) was in the grip of a military dictatorship at the time. Thousands of civilians had gone missing, suspectedly at the hands of the government and even the main guy on the organising committee was killed a couple of years before the tournament (and you thought Qatar was dodgy).

As a result of the political situation in Argentina, Johan Cruyff, star of the tournament 4 years earlier, refused to participate in the tournament. On top of that, the circumstances upon which Argentina made it to the final were very suspicious; I'll talk about that in a second. Before we get to the final and 2nd round group stage shenanigans I'll start at the beginning. We, England, didn't qualify in 1978 (we didn't qualify in 74 either), Scotland did though. They were the British Isles' only representative in both the 1974 and 1978 World Cups, and they didn't disappoint! When I say that I mean they did actually disappoint performance wise. Oh in terms of performance Scotland disappointed a lot of people (most of them Scotch, I'd imagine).

Up until 1978 Scotland had qualified for 3 World Cup finals tournaments (1954, 1958 and 1974) and never made it past the 1st round, to this date their record stands at 8 tournaments 8 first round exits. For some reason, in 1978 the Scots, well their manager, thought they could win the whole thing. Now don't get me wrong, this wasn't the Scotland of 2014. They were decent and they could probably have got to the 2nd round with a little more good fortune back then, but winners?

So they release a song about how they're going to win the World Cup (you HAVE to listen to this) but then turn up and lose to Peru and draw with Iran. By this point, sponsors are tearing up agreements, fans are chucking bricks through the FA's windows and the whole campaign is just a bit of a mess. Then just when you feel it's going to get even worse, when they face 1974 runners up (and eventual finalists) Holland in their last group match; they win 3-2, which still sees them eliminated on goal difference, and score one of the best goals scored by a player from the British Isles at the World Cup in the process.

The whole thing was thoroughly entertaining. If by any chance you're interested is reading the full story in detail, I recommend the following link.

Such a motivational speaker

Scotland aside, Holland make the final again. And are beaten by the host nation AGAIN. The tournament has a first round, with four groups of four teams, which then moves into a second round of two groups of the four top two teams from the first round groups. You follow, right?

As Germany and Austria hadn't cheated Algeria yet (we'll get to that in a sec), there was no concept of playing deciding group or league games at the same time at the World Cup or in football in general. So the in the last game of their 2nd round group Argentina know that if they don't beat Peru by at least 4 goals, Brazil will make it to the final at their expense, as the Brazilians had already played their last game earlier that day. Just to clear things up, Peru were no mugs back in 1978 (ask Scotland), they'd won the 1975 Copa America (the South American World Cup ;-)).

But Argentina had a couple of aces up their sleeves... Firstly, the Peruvian goalkeeper was actually born in Argentina. Ok so that doesn't mean that anything untoward happened. I can hear you saying, "So what Travis?" But it didn't stop there. Just to make sure the Peruvians knew the score, El Presidente turned up before the game in their dressing room to give a speech emphasising the "Brotherhood" that should exist between the two nations. Argentina then went on a beat the 1975 Copa America winners 6-0, as you do...

In the final, Argentina beat Holland (minus Cruyff) 3-1 in extra time. The main points to take from it were as follows. Big row at the beginning about a Dutch player's plaster cast on his arm. Kempes, Argentina's hero in the tournament, scores. Holland equalise in the last ten minutes, then hit the post right at the end (oh, what might have been). Kempes bundles one in in extra time then another fella scores (can't remember his name) but by that point the Dutch had given up. The military government loves this all and uses it as part of their propaganda machine, they would stay in power until 1983 (I think it was 83, if I'm wrong I'm sorry, my Argentine history isn't the greatest).

1982
So this was the first World Cup after I was born and it was held in Spain (see, I remembered to tell you). 1982 was a time of change in terms of the World Cup, 24 teams were allowed to qualify instead of the 16 that had qualified from 1954 to 1978. England were back! We qualified for the first time in 12 years (we actually qualified for the first time in 20 years, we automatically qualified in 66 as hosts, and 70 as holders) and went out in the 2nd round despite not actually losing a game (stupid Kevin Keegan missing that header).

Italy gave all lazy pundits who haven't bothered watching them another stereotypical piece of "analysis", on top of calling them "defensive", to use for years to come, by starting the tournament slowly and eventually winning it (I've only seen Italy start one other tournament slowly, that being the 94 World Cup). I think I'm correct in saying, they didn't win a match until the 2nd round.

1982 was all about Brazil though, ask anybody over the age of 45, who the best team they've ever seen at a World Cup is and they'll invariably say that 1982 Brazilian team. I've already posted a link to the Eder's goal against the USSR (here it is again), on top of that there was Zico's free kick against Scotland, Eder's free kick against Argentina (technically Eder scored it) and this ridiculous move that led to Socrates (what a name) scoring against Italy. Pretty much every game they played featured a spectacular goal. However, with the exception of a 1st round group match against New Zealand, every game they played also featured something else. The opposition scoring. Often first too. Brazil had to come back from behind against the USSR and Scotland (who obviously went out in the first round) as well as twice against the Italians, who had decided to start winning matches instead of drawing them. But in their game against Italy they conceded one too many and ended up losing 3-2.

Germany got to the final against Italy but did so in unconvincing fashion. Firstly they had to cheat Algeria out of a place in the 2nd round by beating Austria 1-0. They'd previously lost to Algeria, both sides needed a German 1-0 win to go through on goals scored and their final game was played after the Algerians. As a result FIFA then introducd the rule that all last games of groups/leagues should be played simultaneously.

Just in case the Germans hadn't made enough enemies, their keeper almost killed (not an exaggeration) a French player in a semi final win that saw them come back from 3-1 down to win on penalties with a bicycle kick in extra time. Talk about drama.

In the final, Italy beat them 3-1 and were even able to afford to miss a penalty. The most memorable thing to happen in the game was Marco Tardelli's celebration for the 2nd goal. Oh and Dino Zoff became the oldest World Cup winner at 40 (he was their captain).

1986
It's widely believed that the 1986 World Cup was one of the best in the modern era. I still wasn't old enough to be that interested in proceedings (I was only 5). Couldn't have been that great if it couldn't tear me away from cartoons.

Stupid internet didn't have the photo! It' the one where he pulls his shirt over his face. This is the best I could find

Italy, the holders, weren't great in 1986. They got off to too slow a start and were a little too defensive... England started slowly, we made a meal out of a group containing Portugal (who weren't the same as the Figo/Ronaldo Portugals we're familiar with), Morocco and Poland. Ray Wilkins got sent off for throwing the ball at the ref, giving European Club Soccer on the SEGA Mega Drive, an image to use when you got knocked out (I can't find an example online!!!). And Bryan Ronbson dislocated his shoulder, that's what you get for such a blatant display of nepotism Bobby!* Gary Lineker saved us and scored five times to get us to the Quarter Finals and that kinda where things kicked off.

So in 1978 Argentina had this 17 year old kid who everyone had been raving about, but they leave him out of the squad. Didn't need him considering they had the Generalissimo giving "inspirational" talks to the opposition. Then in 1982 they take the wonder kid, now 21, but he gets kicked all over the place and eventually is sent off in a crucial game for lashing out. I'm talking about Diego Maradona, I'm assuming you've all heard of him, even the non-football fans. Maradona was the best footballer that has ever existed, in my eyes, and in 1986 he was nearing the height of his powers.

Argentina played England in the Quarter Finals in 1986. Maradona had already had a few moments in Argentina's first few games in the tournament but in the game against England he singled handedly decided the match and gave an incite into two characteristics that would continue to be displayed throughout his career. The first being his willingness to bend the rules. I'm sure you've all seen it. Maradona goes on a run the ball gets flicked into the air by a panicking England defender and he jumps and punches the ball past the keeper. The whole thing is pretty outrageous and I just can't see how he got away with it. Then comes the second characteristic. Sheer brilliance. If you've not seen the 2nd goal he scores or if you're too partisan to appreciate it, I pity you. Genuinely. It's up there with Eder's goal that I talked about further up the page. I'm not gonna describe it, you watch it!

After dumping us out Maradona did it again against Belgium in the Semis and Argentina were in the final. Meanwhile the Germans, like in 1982, were quietly making their way through the tournament. They beat France in the semis again (France had knocked a decent Brazilian team in the Quarter Finals) and met Argentina in probably the most dramatic World Cup final ever. Argentina go 2-0 up and everybody, bar their manager, thinks they've won the game; but the Germans come back to make it 2-2. Rumenigge scores and produces the least celebration that a goal in a World Cup final has ever produced. Does that sentence make sense? I dunno, just watch the goal.

But Maradona has the last laugh, he produces an amazing pass for Burrachga to score the winner, lifts the trophy and then sings a song saying that Argentina are going to win the World Cup and the press are sons of whores while half naked in the changing rooms. I suppose it was better, and more accurate, than Ally's Tartan Army...


*I'm aware Bryan and Bobby Robson weren't related, that was a joke!