The Footballing Schlieffen Plan

Ok, I'm really really really really really really really sorry! I've been so lazy recently. Recently?? Ok I've been so lazy in the last few months, thing is I've been meaning to write updates to this blog and have seen tons of stuff, both football and non-football (for the ladies, wink wink) related. I have no idea why I'm winking or typing about winking to imaginary women reading my blog, bear with me here people.

So what's been happening? Well in terms of me, not much has changed, I say that but I mean in respect of my living/working situation, I'm pretty much doing all the same stuff I was doing back in the summer when I was on here moaning about West Ham and regaling you all with my humorous observations from the European World Cup. One massive thing that has changed in my life is that I purchased FIFA 13, now I'm a lover of the odd computer game especially football/cricket ones and last year I found myself in a situation where I wasn't too enamoured with any of the new football games that came out in October/November. For those of you not in the know (mainly the ladies, wink wink, I'm kidding, just continuing the joke), I'm talking about the trilogy of FIFA, Pro Evolution Soccer and Football Manager (Championship Manager in old money) for years these games have ruined relationships, caused weight gain and aided the breaking of inanimate objects in the bedrooms (and sometimes lounges) of men aged 13-40 all over the world. And FIFA 13 is kinda doing this to me. Now I'm not saying I've broken anything and I don't feel my relationship with the Mrs has suffered (and I don't intend on that ever being the case) but my evenings have definitely changed. No longer do I come home from work looking forward to making a decent meal and watching some TV with my flatmates. Now all I can think about is how I can improve my Hull City side in our momentum gathering march towards domination of the footballing world. Well the EA Sports footballing world. I find myself thinking of tactics and potential transfer targets on the walk to the train station in the morning. Going over missed opportunities and (perceived) bad refereeing decisions in the shower and yes, every so often I do lose it and turn into a snarling football manager. A snarling manager being gently nudged back into the technical area by the 4th official, on the brink of being sent to the stands for dissent. Why does this happen to me? Why do I care? Why FIFA 13? I didn't care much for FIFA 12 or 11 and I've barely touched Pro Evo or Championship Manager (yeah that's right 'Old Money') in the last 4/5 years. Whatever it is, it must be a good game cos I'm hooked, I've put on over a stone and a half since the summer (that's no lie) and haven't done any exercise in about 2 months. God help me!!

Cheers for the token gesture Lazio, but there are always going to be  morons in the world. It's one of those things.

In the real, Travis Newton isn't the manager of Hull City and they are still in the Championship, footballing world a lot has happened. I'm not going to go into it all, in fact I'm going to try and keep this part of my post really brief. So here it is. Zlatan's been doing it again, an this time it was against England, so begrudgingly some pundits have had to accept that maybe they were wrong and he is a little better than a pub footballer. Racism is the buzz phrase/word whatever you wanna call it, it seems to all happening in terms of race at the moment. There's talk of a black PFA, black players are refusing to wear Kick It Out t-shirts, The England Under 21's were abused in Serbia, my own fellow West Ham fans behaved appallingly at White Hart Lane the other day and fans are now being continually picked out for making monkey gestures at black players. My opinion on it all (and there's no humour here unfortunately), people are idiots, not all of us (thank god) but a lot of people. And football fans & players are no exception. Is there a problem with racism? Yeah, because it shouldn't really be prevalent in any walk of life in this day and age, not when we have as much knowledge at our disposal as we currently do, with the internet and all that; or with the world being as 'small' as it is now. People should know better! As for football fans, people seem to think that it's acceptable to do something when in a crowd (or a mob) as there is less chance of them being singled out for punishment (that's how riots start), in addition to that, footballers seem to think it's ok to say whatever they want to their peers as it's deemed to have been done 'in the heat of battle'. Bollocks! Players, fans and people in ordinary society that resort to racism are ignorant halfwits. Rant over!

Dog poo!

Now for the bit relating to the title. Aside from getting bed sores from sitting around all day playing FIFA I have also embarked on a little project. A project that, like FIFA, probably does me no favours in being attractive to the opposite sex (although the Mrs hasn't complained yet). Anyone with a little historical knowledge will know that the Schlieffen Plan was a plan devised by a German general, which basically led to World War One, that centred around fighting a war on two fronts. The plan was that Germany were to march through Belgium in 6 weeks, beating the French; then turn back and beat the Russians before they even knew what had hit them. As a spoiler for those that know nothing history wise, they got stuck in Belgium for 4 years, which was basically World War One. Now my Schlieffen plan involves following a European top flight football league on numerous fronts. Let me get things straight here, I often watch a lot of foreign football and follow the European leagues fairly closely; to the point that I'd even say I've followed two leagues in a season before. Normally The Premiership along with either Serie A or La Liga. This year I'm taking it to a new level. So of course I'm following the Premiership, what with West Ham in it I go to a game once every fortnight or so. In addition to that I am avidly following Serie A, I'd say at least a game a weekend and making sure I see highlights of all the others. I'm trying to keep up my following of the Spanish League especially with respect to seeing my team Athletic Bilbao (who are having a horrible season this year) but I'm struggling what with the Italian games getting it the way and the Mrs' love of X Factor, damn the scheduling of those Spanish games! I am also (yeah that's right I'm greedy) trying to watch the French League, what with PSG and this injection of cash I'm intrigued to see how things pan out for them this season. I've seen a couple of live games but am mainly watching highlights. At the same time my fingers and thumbs are in the pies that are the German and Dutch leagues. I really want to watch more German football but it's hard to squeeze it in, especially if I want to have a life and a girlfriend (and if I want to take Hull to Champions League glory). So in summary here's what I've learned from my own Schlieffen Plan. Pescara are dog poo. Wow they're bad, saw them win this weekend, how I have no idea?!? Anybody who thinks QPR or Reading are bad, you've seen nothing. The Italian league is full of goals and great forwards, people that talk about it being defensive haven't got a clue, Cavani, Milito, El Shaarawy, Di Natale, Miccoli, Klose, Toni Goals! Every week. And I have no idea who is going to win the thing, Do Juve need a striker? Have Inter turned a corner? Has Milan's start hindered them? Can Lazio/Napoli/Fiorentina challenge this year? Love it! Falcao is immense! He's basically keeping Atletico Madrid in touch with the guys at the top. Bilbao on the other hand are struggling bad. Is it time for Bielsa to go? PSG are very very disjointed. They struggle without Zlatan and they're playing in a league where the competition isn't very good. They should walk it if they get their act together (but probably wont). There are also some very weak goals scored in both the French and Dutch leagues. Finally, there are some very good sides in Germany, Bayern look epic but Dortmund look like they can match them, they have however been stretched by the Champions League.

And that, my readers, is a war on multiple fronts!

Same old England (Scrap that)!!

I haven't been on here in a while not since I was re-living my footballing youth. Quite a bit has happened since I last put finger to button in anger.  Or has it? England are still as useless as they were back in July when I blogged about their performances in the European World Cup. I didn't see last night's game and understand that they may not have had the "rub of the green" when it came to officiating decisions and fortune, however Ukraine (no 'The') are not very good. Everyone got excited because we beat Moldova on Friday; can I just say Moldova and The Maldives are not the same thing, I was asked whether this was the case by 'a friend' recently... Back to England, so we beat The Maldives 5-0 and I already start hearing all sorts of rubbish about our 'New Generation' of players; who by the way are taking over from the 'Golden Generation', the Golden Generation that have won no trophies. I mean. Come on! I've got trophies on my PS3 for playing FIFA online and some Call of Duty ones, and I'd hardly describe myself as part of the 'Golden Generation' of online gamers! We beat The Maldives (this is going to a bit like the European World Cup joke) and all of a sudden our 'New Generation' are off to challenge for the World World Cup. Low and behold we were brought back down to earth with a bump, now that's not to say that come June 2014 the likes of Ian Wright and Alan Shearer won't be tipping England as dark horses. When will they learn?

Wales have been absolutely hammered, despite climbing the FIFA rankings under the late Gary Speed due to some 'encouraging' performances we discovered that they also haven't changed much.

So I started off writing the above last week then decided it wasn't up to my exceptionally high standard of funny (still kept it for you all to read though, it's not that bad). Instead I've decided to look at domestic football, what with it returning on the weekend. Good start for West Ham so far, although I'd have liked more at Norwich especially in terms of a more convincing performance, I don't care what anyone says, Norwich haven't been good since they had Brian Gunn, Dale Gordon and Jeremy Goss! My attention on this post is focused again on my experiences in the 8 years I've had my season ticket at West Ham. And I'm gonna do a 10 things.

There are a number of characters I've had the pleasure (and sometimes displeasure) of meeting while at West Ham; there have been times when I wished some of my friends and family who don't support West Ham have been there to witness some of the weird and wonderful characters that you find at the Boleyn Ground on a Saturday afternoon (and on a Tuesday, Wednesday or any other time of the week that the stupid footballing authorities decide to schedule games). Here's 10 types of fan that have caught my eye.

The Moaner
If I had to put myself into one of these categories it'd definitely be The Moaner. I'm a pretty pessimistic fan, the manager hasn't got a clue, the tactics are wrong, Cole shouldn't have started, on paper this lot are better... bla bla bla and then every so often we score, or even win and I and all the other Moaners have to do one of two things; Shut the hell up or do a complete u-turn and contradict what we've just been saying for the past 2 hours. "Yeah, we were always gonna win this one. Wait til next week though, Man U won't give us a chance like this lot did..."

The Family
Literally the whole family has come to Upton Park, the mother always has a shirt on (with a name on the back) and there's a couple of kids at least. How the hell can they afford it, especially if they go on a regular basis. There was a notable family in front of me at West Ham, notable for two reasons. The first being I once saw them get into an actual fist fight with a couple of blokes (one of them the wrong side of 65) over how useless Luis Boa Morte was; and secondly because I 'Watched one of their daughters grow into a young lady...' Yep! She was nice. Not sure what happened to them though, they haven't been around since the start of last season.

The Home and Awayers
These guys go to EVERY game! And I mean EVERY (it's bold and capitalised) game, they'll tell you about how dire it was up at Middlesbrough last Tuesday night, the youngster in the academy that got a hat-trick against Arsenal (that might not have happened, but if it did they'd be there) and the injured player coming back in the reserves. C'mon guys, I love football and I invest a lot of time in watching my team, but you need to get a life. How do you even get the time off work to go to Middlesbrough on a Tuesday evening (on top of your normal holidays)?

The Pro
"Useless! He has more time than that, he should have opened up his body and placed it in the far corner... Even I could have dealt with that... I've come up against fast playing for my team..." If you're such a great footballer why did you never make it? You go on about them not being fit to wear the shirt but I doubt you could even fit in a shirt, there's not many playing at a decent level who wear any sizes above a 'L'. I suppose you had 'trials' at one of the London clubs when you were a teen... Shut it!

The Nutjob
The Nutjob is my favourite fan (after the girl turned woman in the family of course), we have a Nutjob that sits in the row behind us who we call 'Tourettes'. We call him that because sometimes it doesn't seem to be any particular incident that has set him off on a foul mouthed rant. I've heard him call Lucas Neil a 'Millwall sh*t c**t!' Steve Bennett (the referee) a 'Sex Case' and there was one incoherent rant about Uriah Renne living in a 'cottage in the country' once?!? The thing is, for midweek games he turns up all suited as he's just come straight from work. I have images of him being a mild mannered office worker, maybe even someone's boss. Little do they know that come 3pm on a Saturday he turns into a snarling animal. A part of me actually looks forward to teams pulling one back when we're 3 or 4 up (pfft, like we're ever 3 or 4 up) just for his reaction.

The Show Off
There's a lot of money on show at West Ham, guys decked out in the latest designer gear, covered in jewellery, parking their Range Rovers with personalised 'WHU1' licence plates. I'm genuinely not impressed in the slightest. Stop showing off, I don't care if you've got 6 season tickets (and only ever really use 2 of them) or that the clothes that you have one cost you more than my season ticket cost me, I just wanna watch some football!

The Friend of the Stars
"I was out with Mark Noble the other day... ...my mate's brother's, girlfriend's dad cuts Ricardo Vaz Te's mowhawk..." see my thoughts on the Show Off, I couldn't care less! You're sitting in the stands like me trying to watch a game of football and and hoping we'll beat West Brom today. If you're really mates with Jack Collison, why doesn't he put you up in one of the boxes then eh?

The Group of Lads
There's normally a lot of designer gear among the Lads and they've got a mate who sits in a different part of the ground that they have to chant at when they catch a glimpse of him. These guys will normally have had a few before the game and will probably head to a nearby 'boozer' for a few more after. David can you please give your boozed up mates 'a wave' so that they can shut up and I can concentrate on moaning about how dour the 1st half was.

The Scumbag Away Fan
Sometimes I look at the away fans and genuinely think to myself, "If I ever find myself in a social situation with that lot, I've seriously messed up in life!" Not all away fans are Scumbags, most of the time it's just a very small minority (except for when you're playing Stoke or Millwall). If you're not sure who the Scumbag Away Fans are just spend 30 seconds looking over at the away fans, that will give one of them enough time to make eye contact, point you out and do the w*nker hand sign at you. If they're really scummy they might even make a slit throat gesture. Nice!

The Smug Away Fan
You only really witness these fans when you play a 'Top Four' team. Maybe it's just my jealousy that their team has come to our ground and is currently running rings around mine, much to their amusement. These guys rub me up the wrong way big time, they do things like twirling their scarves in unison when they go 1-0 up (Arsenal & Palermo) or sing clever songs about their star player who's just skinned our back line (Liverpool, Man U and Chelsea). Argh! I can't take it!

That's me done, I'll hopefully post soon. Hope you've enjoyed this, I'm sure these characters appear at football grounds up and down the country ever weekend.

10 Things: Week 7 - 10 Things I loved about playing football as a child

I've been thinking a lot about school recently, primarily because I'm jealous that I don't get to finish my working day at some point between 3:00 & 3:30 and also don't get 6 weeks off smack bang in the middle of the hottest time of the year (I should probably say 'mildest', it's never consistently hot is it). One of the things I also miss from my school days is the many ways in which we attempted to recreate the beautiful game and mimic what we'd seen on The Big Match Live (on ITV may I add), Ford Super Sunday and international tournaments like Italia 90. 10 Things is back this week with a (hopefully) comical lookat the numerous practices that I and many others will have experienced in the late 1980's and 1990's and that probably still occur on playgrounds up and down the country.

Can I just say, to those it isn't obvious to, I've totally made up the rule numbers (although, I'd imagine choosing teams would be rule number 1). Here's 10 Things I loved about playing football as a child.

Playing football 3 times (sometimes 4 or 5) a day
Commentators often wax lyrically about box to box midfielders with amazing 'engines', that seem to cover every blade of grass and look as if they've barely broken sweat. These guys are basically the guys that are still in the same sort of physical condition that they were in at the age of 11. I can remember getting the school early and playing football at 8.30 until the bell went to signal the start of the day; playing football during the early morning break and having a big game at lunch time (this would have gone on for around an hour). Sometimes additionally you'd play football during a Games or PE lesson (Games was so much better than PE wasn't it, PE was too technical) or even play after school for the school or down the park/on the streets with your mates. And all of this was done without energy drinks or steroids (take note Lance Armstrong)!

Stupid

Calling yourself one of the players you've seen on TV
This would normally happen during a World Cup when we'd get the chance to see a load of exotic foreign players that we'd never seen. This was of course long before the days of Sky and ESPN's wall to wall coverage of the other footballing leagues in Europe and the Champions League & UEFA Cup; and also long before English football had it's influx of headband wearing, shirt pulling, imaginary card waving, diving foreign imports, so players like Schillachi, Roberto Baggio, Caniggia, Batistuta, Romario and Bebeto were appreciated even more by us than their modern day counterparts. One person who wasn't was former Brazilian World Cup winning captain Dunga. I'm not sure how true this is but during a game in the 1994 World Cup the commentators made the mistake of telling everyone that Dunga meant 'Stupid' in Portuguese. From then on, once a lunchtime it was customary to proclaim yourself to be Romario for the hour and refer to one of your team mates as Dunga, much to the amusement of everyone else.

Playground Football Rule 1 - Choosing Teams
1.1 Teams must be chosen by two players who are assigned the role of 'Captain'.
1.1.1 Captaincy does not give a player any authority on the field of play, it is purely for administration purposes.
1.1.2 If there are two players who are a lot more talented than their other playground counterparts (these kids normally ended up having an unsuccessful trial at some professional team) they must automatically be designated captaincy on opposing sides for fear of a one sided game.
1.1.2.1 Two specialised goalkeepers that are willing to play in goal during the upcoming match can also be assigned the role of 'Captain'.
1.2 Both Captains take turns at choosing players for their side based on their impression of ability descending.
1.3 All non-Captains must group together in an orderly manner to enable both Captains to survey the players they have to choose from when picking teams.
1.3.1 At times where the Captains are having problems getting the non-Captains to assemble one of the Captains may shout words to the effect of, "The last one of you non-Captains to settle down and join the line/huddle of players available for selection is Gay/In love with [Person X]!"
1.3.1.1 Person X is deemed by popular opinion to be either the campest boy or 'ugliest' girl in school or the neighbourhood.
1.4  - Numbers: In some scenarios, for fear of prejudice each non-Captain is randomly assigned a number which the Captains must call out. The calling out of a non-Captain's number indicates selection for a Captain's team.
1.4.1 non-Selected players must not hint to the Captains at any time, the number that they or any other player have/has been assigned
1.4.2 Any suspicions of Rule 1.4.1 being broken must result in a reallocation of numbers.
1.4.3 Numbers can be reallocated to non-selected players if the Captains are unsure as to what numbers remain available for selection.
1.5 In scenarios other than that of the evocation of Rule 1.4, Captains are allowed to choose whomever they wish, all prejudices and personal grudges apply.
1.6 Selected players must leave the huddle and stand alongside their Captain. They are allowed to influence their Captain's future picks with the exception of when rule 1.4 is in force. When Rule 1.4 has been enforced, selected players must not hint to their Captain the numbers that have been allocated to to the more skill-full players. If there are any suspicions of this, Rule 1.4.2 must be evoked.
1.7 Once the game is underway, teams can be re-picked if
a) The match appears to be ridiculously one-sided.
b) A player of considerable physical strength decides so.
c) The player responsible for providing the ball either sheds tears alongside threatening to withdraw the ball from the field of play or can convince enough players that a 'Re-pick' is necessary.
1.8 - The Re-pick: Rules 1.1 to 1.6 are enforced during a 'Re-pick'.

Playground Football Rule 74.1 - The Imaginary Crossbar
74.1 During play with jumpers/blazers/bags used as goalposts the height of the Crossbar is deemed to be the highest point that the goalkeeper can reach while jumping with his arms stretched straight up in the air.
74.1.1 In order for the ball to be deemed 'Over' and out of bounds both teams must agree that it passed clear of the Crossbar.
74.1.2 For unsettle-able disputes Rule 85.1 may be evoked at the request of the defending team. 

Playground Football Rule 74.2 - The Imaginary Post
74.2 During play with jumpers/blazers/bags used as goalposts. Said jumpers/blazers/bags are considered to be 'Post'.
74.2.1 Any ball that is deemed to have passed over jumper/blazer/bag is to be considered 'Post' and out of bounds.
74.2.2 For unsettle-able disputes Rule 85.1 may be evoked at the request of the defending team.

Playground Football Rule 85.1 - Penalty or Goal?
85.1 In situations where the validity of a goal cannot be agreed by both sides the 'Penalty or Goal?' rule can be evoked.
85.1.1 'Penalty or Goal?' can only be suggested by:-
a) The defending team (as a form of appeasement).
b) The attacking team, when it is clear that their claim for a goal is valid but the defending team will not back down.
85.1.2 'Penalty or Goal?' is the only just and fair way to settle goalscoring disputes. If the disputed goal was not valid the Playground Gods will ensure that the attacking team squander their penalty. Conversely if a disputed goal should stand the Gods will make sure that the penalty is converted.

Wembley
Whoever came up with the idea of Wembley is a genius. Depending on what part of the country you went to school in Wembley may have sometimes been referred to as 'World Cup' (we had our own version of World Cup). The rules of Wembley are simple, in fact I don't remember ever being taught them, there's just a mutual understanding amongst all boys aged 7 to 15. You have one goal and one goalkeeper, who is also the designated match official and everyone is playing against each other. The game consists of a number of 'Rounds' where players must score a pre-determined number of goals (normally starting with 1 in the first round or so then increasing in the latter rounds), and stop their opponents from doing the same, to go through to the next round. Once a player is 'through to the next round' they are removed from the field of play and watch all of the remaining players trying to get through to the next round. The last player not to have scored the allocated amount of goals (sometimes it's 2 or 3 players depending on the time you have available or the number of people playing) is 'Out', and must sit and watch all of the remaining rounds. As soon as a round has ended all of the players who are through return to the field of play for the next round. Easy to follow?? Probably not when written on paper, but we all did.

Wembley with multiple numbers i.e. Doubles, Triples, I've even played Quadruples
Wembley doubles was a personal favourite of mine. Pretty much the same as the above but with team mates so you could be that little bit lazier.

World Cup
World Cup in some areas of London was just Wembley. I remember World Cup to be Wembley but with each person or double/triple/quadruple choosing a team that they were representing/pretending to be (this would normally happen during a World Cup) and then pretending to be individual players from said team/country. I loved a bit of World Cup doubles, always chose to be either Roberto Baggio or Gianluca Vialli.

Playground Football Rules 97.1, 97.1.2 and 97.1.3 - Penalties All Around and the ensuing melee
97.1 - Penalties All Around: During a game of Wembley (or World Cup) if the ball strikes one of the combatants hands a penalty can be awarded to all other players (often placing the offending player at risk of elimination).
97.1.1 The goalkeeper (with the help of players classified as either 'Through' or 'Eliminated'), designated official in all games of Wembley, is the only person who can adjudge whether the infringement is deliberate or not.
97.1.2 'Penalties All Around' must be signalled by the goalkeeper calling out, "Penalties All Around". Until this has been done the ball is still in play.
97.1.3 The order of penalty takers is determined by the following:-
a) The first penalty taker must shout out "First!" ("I'm first" is also acceptable) and be comfortably clutching the ball. Failure to hold the ball may give other players the right to claim the first penalty.
b) All other penalty positions must also be called  but do not require the player to be in possession of the ball when doing so.
97.1.4 Each player has a turn at taking one penalty and cannot be obstructed or physically/mentally hindered.
97.1.4.1 In cases where a player is obstructed and misses a retake may be ordered only if agreed by the goalkeeper.
97.1.5 In keeping with the spirit of the game of Wembley/World Cup the goalkeeper must, at the time of the last of the awarded penalties being taken, declare that 'Rebounds' are applicable.
97.1.6 - Rebounds: There are no 'Rebounds' available for any of the penalties taken in an instance of 'Penalties All Around' with the exception of the last penalty of the series. In cases where 'Rebounds' are not applicable the ball is deemed 'dead' immediately:-
a) After a goal is scored from the penalty.
b) After a penalty is saved.
c) After a penalty is missed.
In cases where rebounds are applicable the ball is 'live' if the penalty is not scored and the ball comes back into play.

...and a final note Re Provision of the ball (basically I've got more than 10 things), offsides, 'Next goal wins' and disputes.
-It is the prerogative of the individual responsible for providing the match ball to call a halt to proceedings at any point during play for reasons such as but not limited to:-
a) Unfair teams
b) Bad sportsmanship
c) A disagreement or physical altercation with another player
NB - This action may be remembered by all other players and used against said 'Ball Provider' in later life as a point of ridicule.
- Offsides do not exist, however players who frequently stand in an offside position may be derogatorily referred to as 'Goal Hangers'.
- In cases where play is being called to an abrupt halt i.e. the bell for registration/lessons, fading light etc, it is plausible to evoke the 'Next Goal Wins' rule regardless of the score. The winning goal stands.
- Disputes can be carried into registration or the next lesson at school but anything further than that and you're just a winging idiot!

I'm not gonna lie, I loved sitting here thinking about all the silly little rules we had when we played football as kids. I'd happily go back to being 10 years old if I could do this all again. In addition I'd like to campain for the 'Penalty or Goal?' rule to be introduced to Association Football; that would take away any need for goal line technology or those extra official that they have behind the goal. The footballing Gods would justly decide.

Erm... So...

I'm not really sure what I'm blogging about tonight I'm just going to ramble seen as I have no real theme or idea in my head. The Premier League started on Saturday, my summary of it is as follows. West Ham got off to a winning start. Aston Villa were terrible, and barely created anything all game. Kevin Nolan scored another 5 yard backpost tap in, if you've not noticed that that is all he does you need to. I say that's all he does, that's a lie, he does also argue with everything that moves. The three things I took note of from the game were, surprisingly, not related to the mediocre football I saw. The first was, Barry Bannan is bloody short! Simon Gillett short! Wikipedia says 5ft 7inches, absolutely no way!! I'm not having a bar of it, he's clearly entered that himself. You're not fooling us Barry! Secondly Aston Villa have a song much like West Ham that goes along the lines of:

"We're passing the ball!
We're passing the baaaaaaall!
Aston Villa
We're passing the ball!"

I'll assume from the above that the Villa fans, much like us at West Ham, are fed up of watching their side lump it diagonally to a big forward (swap Carlton Cole for Emile Heskey). When will these coaches learn? Hopefully Paul Lambert can improve things at Villa Park; based on what I saw, he needs to else Villa will be in trouble. The last of the things I noted was contrary to my comment regarding West Ham's usual sock colour in my post last week. I sat here and rubbished any colour accompanying Claret and Blue other than White. Only to discover at 3pm on Saturday when the two teams emerged from the tunnel, that this year West Ham's socks are in fact Claret. Herecy!!

These guys have got the little arms and  everything.  I don't believe that either are over 5ft 5in

In other Premiership news Van Persie-less Arsenal couldn't hit a barn door at home to Sunderland, Giroud had a perfect chance to score the winner on his debut and massively fluffed his lines. I swear I've seen this somewhere before? Manchester City and Chelsea both got off to winning starts, I was impressed by Aiden Azard's performance against Wigan, where he basically created both goals. I'm sure you're all reading this thinking, "Who the hell is Aiden Azard? Doesn't he mean Eden Hazard..." Well I've got news for you people, as with Azard's compatriot "Van-san Kompany", all commentators have now taken it upon themselves to give it the pretentious French pronunciation. Does this mean that if Christiano Ronaldo ever came back to the Premier League we'll have to start saying "Honaldo" in true Portuguese style?

Is he Irish? I thought he was Belgian?

City came from behind to beat Southampton, Aguero messed his knee up, thus potentially messing up my fantasy football chances and the champions were given a scare when the Saints staged a mid-2nd half comeback, which was kicked of by Ricky Lambert. The man is an absolute goal machine. Every season I say, "He won't get any thing year, he'll struggle with the step up to the division above..." and he proves me wrong (well he did last year, it's early days in the Premiership). Watch this space, he could be in for a good season.

Goal Machine

The two most successful teams in English football both got off to losing starts. When was the last time that happened (answers on a postcard)? For once I don't have a geeky stat accompanied with a joke about being socially awkward regarding that one. I'd genuinely like to know when the last time Liverpool and Manchester United both lost on the first day of the season (I might look that one up in the coming week, that'll make for a wild weekend, eh). Van Persie-ful Manchester United looked like they just got caught out on the day by a very impressive looking Everton side. Liverpool on the other hand, look shocking. Unfortunately (well fortunately for me, I don't like Liverpool) I think they're actually going to get worse this season, they seem to have steadily been getting worse over the last two decades and I don't think (based on their transfer activity during the summer) that Brendon Rodgers is going to turn things around. I suppose I could be wrong though Liverpool fans, I mean it's not like I predicted who'd win the Olympic football tournament...

Summer is over!

That's right people. It's set to be the hottest weekend of the year this weekend but summer is actually over. Why? Because the football season has started and as you probably know football is a winter sport. Last week we saw the beginning of the new season marked with the traditional curtain raiser the Charity Community Shield (when the hell did it become the 'Community Shield'? And what was so charitable about it in the past?) As with all football matches of a certain level these days, it was full of drama, you had a dud super signing scoring for once, a seemingly obligatory, red card and a late goal which spiced things up and produced the usual game of Snach between the goalkeeper and the attackers. Racist John Terry managed to keep his nose clean for the majority of the game and Tearaway Carlos Tevez produced the goods. Football is definitely back!

It was all going off at Villa Park

Before I start on the new season I feel I should mention  this summer's footballing events. We had a great tournament in the form of Euro 2012, where we discovered, Spain are as annoyingly good as they were 2/4 years ago, Germany still aren't quite ready, Roy Keane is very close to killing someone, England and Ireland are useless despite what FIFA or the tabloids over here think and I have no ability when it comes to predicting football results (as if France were ever going to win it). Or do I? See on top of Euro 2012 we had an Olympic football tournament that, for once, contained the home nations; and as a result got far more coverage over here than recent tournaments. I correctly (that's right, CORRECTLY) predicted in April, with some outside assistance, that Mexico were going to win the tournament but as with all of the few wagers that I make that come true, I lost my nerve when it came to placing my bet and only placed £1. That's right! One measly English (or British) Pound, at 10-1. For anyone who doesn't understand gambling, that means I won ten times my original stake (£10), plus my stake back (£1). For all of about 5 minutes, before I'd  checked my Bet365 account, I managed to convince myself that back in April I'd grown some gambling testicles and places a £10 bet, but no! I saved that for my Nostradamus like Euro 2012 soothsayings. Yes that's right, I'll have £10 on France, a team that until this year hadn't won a game at a major tournament without Michel Platini or Zinedine Zidane playing, since the 1958 World Cup (geek) but I'll only put a £1 on the team that came 3rd in the last Under 20 World Cup and won the last Under 17 version, IN AN UNDERAGE TOURNAMENT! You can probably sense, at present I'm As sick as a Parrot (do Parrots tend to suffer from sickness more than other animals/birds? Maybe they're just hypochondriacs...? I spelt that right the first time! Booooom!). Finally I must mention, England are up to 3rd in the FIFA world rankings, what the...? If anything I'd say we've got weaker since the World Cup what with the likes of Lampard and Gerrard staring to age. And we've hardly had better results in tournaments. Now I've not looked at who are above us in the rankings but I'm assuming that Spain are (obviously, everybody's still bumming them), then you have a host of teams that could rightly stake a claim to being above us. There's Uruguay, current Copa America champions and 3rd place finishers at the last World Cup. Unfortunately it doesn't matter how much everyone hates Luis Suarez the stats put them above us. Holland, who may have had a distasterous European World Cup (still saying it) but finished 2nd in the last World Cup. Germany, who have pretty much been awesome for the last four years (to be fair they're always awesome, it's just that now everyone likes them). They were 4th in the last World Cup (and knocked us out along the way), and got to the Semis of the European World Cup (AND were runners up in 2008). And Italy, who were runners up in the most recent European World Cup and dumped us out (while thoroughly outclassing us for 120 minutes). In my mind, either Trevor Brooking has got some serious dirt on Sepp Blatter, who I discovered this week has a Twitter account? Who wants to follow him "Just picked up some money from an Arabic friend... #Qatar2022 #BackTheBid". I'm sure it's better than that I'm just not following him; or Blatter feels so bad about awarding the 2022 World Cup to Qatar (the games better be on a decent times in the day) that he feels the need to compensate unlucky bidders like England.

I knew they'd do it!

Back to the new season, West Ham kick off with a home game against Aston Villa tomorrow, the battle of claret and blue. I always resent the fact that people who don't follow football much mistake West Ham for Villa. They don't have white socks! What kind of crazy man would design and claret and blue kit with claret or blue socks?!? It's madness I tell ya! As with our next two fixtures and going back to a post I did a few weeks ago, tomorrow's game is massively impinging on a social event that I need to attend tomorrow. I'll be missing our home clashes next  month with Sunderland and Fulham due to social events. Can people please start checking the football league calendar!!

There's no escaping him!

With a new season come things like fantasy football leagues too. Now I enjoy a good fantasy football league but a couple of things annoy me. The first is that you never get enough money, I'm always left scouring all the Wigan defenders or midfielders for a player that will get enough games to get points but not too many games, cos you know those Wigan players will end up with a negative score. Is Alcaraz any good this year? Who the hell is Alcaraz anyway? Isn't that an old prison in America? The second thing that grinds my gears is that they take so much maintenance. Why do I have to name a captain? And a reserve goalkeeper? Just let me choose 11 players and give me the option to change say three of them in January. This isn't actually the Premier League! Next they'll be asking us to hold virtual training sessions during the week...

The last thing I wanted to say with regards to the new season is, what the hell is the Capital Once Cup?!? And why did it start last Saturday? The League Cup is for weekday evenings only (except the final and maybe one of the semis). And Capital One?!? I was just getting used to Carling and quite frankly would rather we called it the Littlewoods or Rumbleows Cup, those were the days. When Forest were the only team that ever won it! Now Liverpool are the new Forest!

Ok so everybody enjoy the new season, can we please stop talking about Van Persie going to Manchester United, it's done now. The way some Arsenal fans have been carrying on, you think he killed a member of their family. And the way some Sp*rs fans have been carrying on... well they're acting the same way they always do, first to goad and setting themselves up for egg on their faces. And finally yes the Premiership is back but it IS NOT better than the World Cup or European World Cup! Fact!

See you later...

How important is Sunday League Football?

Couldn't find a pic from our games. Must be all copyrighted by Sky or something?

I ask the question because I recently quit my Sunday League team after some lengthy "discussions" regarding my commitment to the side due to my lack of willingness to continue playing and training throughout June, when the season was well and truly over and pre-season was a good 5 or 6 weeks away. Obviously I'm aggrieved by the questioning of my dedication to the team but the aim of this post isn't to vent. It's more to poke fun at the notion that I, a man of 31 with with a full time job in the city, bills to pay, family to see, should definitely prioritise the Waltham Mercury 4th division over all of that. At this point I'd like to flag,  for those of you that aren't as schooled in Sunday morning football in South Hertfordshire/North East London, there is a Premier division meaning that my team plays, or should I say played, we finished 3rd last year (SAY WE ARE GOING UP! SAY WE ARE GOING UP...!  *and repeat*), in the fifth tier of the South Hertfordshire/North East London footballing pyramid. Unfortunately Pythagoras himself couldn't work out what tier of the actual footballing pyramid the Waltham Mercury 4th division is (I'm aware that Pythagoras was all about angles and not pyramids). And 3rd place in that division is not to be sniffed at, we finished well above the likes of Albany Athletic & The Broxbourne Badgers and it took two very strong sides in the form of AFC Southgate and Broxbourne Athletic (who I'm assuming are bitter rivals of the Broxbourne Badgers, I bet the Hertfordshire police are on standby every time they face each other) to finish above us. I'm not even sure why I'm explaining this to you all, you'll have probably caught our games on Sky Sports, or at least the highlights on Sky Sports news on a Monday morning with the goals from the other top leagues in Europe. You'll all also know that we had a really bad run with injuries and absences last year which probably cost us in terms of winning the league, one of our strikers got arrested the night before a key game early in the season, our right back twisted his ankle running on the tarmac to the side of the pitch retrieving the ball after it had gone out of bounds from a stray cross and even I turned my ankle in the rabbit holes behind the goal in the warm-up before a crucial promotion six pointer. Things could have been soooooo different...

So I am now issuing a "come get me" plea to any Premiership teams out there. My wage demands are pretty low, I mean I was paying £15 a month plus a £50 signing on fee at my last club so I'd be willing to go as low as say £20 a week. I know! I know! How can anybody command such a wage just for kicking a ball? I'm afraid that's the nature of the beast that we football fans have created. Can I also point out to any potential Premier League suitors out there that I am not a troublemaker, honest! I'm not gonna do a Pierre van Hoijdonk and go on strike and I'm no Jermaine Pennant. All that I ask is that I'm only required to play/train during the football season and pre-season and that in training drills don't consist of blasting the ball at the goal from 5-10 yards out under no pressure with me being expected to save everything (seems to be a training drill not picked up by any professional teams for some reason??).

In all seriousness, I wish my former team the best of luck, they're a great bunch of guys and I reckon they'll be more that capable of holding their own in the 3rd division. I poke fun purely because that's what I do!

In other news, the Olympic football tournament is drawing to a close. I'm watching the Brazil v South Korea semi-final as we speak, Brazil are 1-0 up and there was a finger point to the sky celebration when they scored so I'm happy. GB are out! I missed the whole of the actual game but managed to see the penalty shootout. I'm starting to actually believe my flatmate's theory that left footers are less likely to score in a shootout. He correctly predicted Sturridge's miss on Saturday and Cole's in England's European World Cup (yep I'm still saying it) defeat to Italy. So is there something in his theory? Julian Dicks would probably disagree. Mexico are into the final, I bet on them to win the whole thing about 3 or 4 months ago, maybe one of my predictions (although it was off the back of a tip) will finally come true.

The final thing I want to say is, to all you smartphone users who are football fans you need to download New Star Soccer! This game is currently dominating my life (well my commuting life), I can't stop playing it. I have nothing funny to say about it other than, my girlfriend is definitely going to get sick of me playing it sometime soon. Oh and check out some of my favourite New Star Soccer headlines, my character is quite the headline maker. Here are some of the best ones I've had or seen on Twitter...

I'm off to send my CV to West Ham...

Football at the Olympics?!?

I've basically heard that phrase as much as But England aren't even playing in the last year upon telling anyone who doesn't watch much sport that I was going to Team GB's game on Sunday. For some reason people only associate running and jumping a la Daley Thompson with the Olympics and the concept of a football tournament is alien to them. Personally being the international football freak (or saddo) that I am, I've managed to follow the football tournament at every Olympics since Atlanta in 1996.

See, those1st two stars are for 1924 and 1928

As mentioned, this year I even managed to break my duck with regards to attending a major international football tournament. Some of you may question whether the Olympic football tournament can be classed as a major competition; as far as I'm concerned, if Uruguay are counting it, so am I (see 1924 and 1928)!! I went all statto geek on you all there didn't I?!? I apologise.

Deffo the first person I ever saw do the sky point

I'm currently loving the football, both Men's and Women's. I'm concious that every time I talk about the women's competition I sound a bit patronising, I swear I don't mean it ladies. Oh god that sounds patronising too and a bit cheesy in a weasely guy who thinks he's a bit of a Ladies Man kinda way... I swear I don;t think I'm a Ladies Man and I genuinely like Women's football. One of the things I love is that even the Brazilian ladies team have the one word names like Martha and Francile and they do that finger pointing to the sky thing, that Adriano invented, when they score like any true Brazilian should. If I was Brazilian my name would just be "Travis" rather than "Travis Newton" and I'd most definitely point to the sky when I scored, even if I wasn't that religious, just to look the part. I wouldn't want people to question my place in the Seleção (that's right check me and my Portuguse out, sign me up Mano Menez) due to my lack of finger pointing. I might even do little samba dance with a couple of other team mates just to convince everyone.

Speaking of celebrations, I loved the Senegalese one against Uruguay. This is a bit of a generalisation but you can always count on the African nations for a strange choreographed  routine I love it. The European World Cup in June was missing this (for obvious reasons), I think UEFA should invite one African team just for their celebrations. For anyone thinking that I've just made an outrageous statement I'd like to point out that CONMEBOL invite countries from outside of South America to the Copa America (although not for their celebratory dance routines). Went a bit geeky again there, didn't I? Hands up if you've never even heard of CONMEBOL (I'm imagining a load of hands going up in front of laptops and PCs etc). For those that aren't sure, their the South American equivalent of UEFA, I swear that's the last geely fact I'll write in this post.

I should probably speak about the actual football that has been happening, here's a brief summary. GB's Men's and Women's teams have both topped their groups and look ok, especially the ladies (oh god I'm doing it again aren't I...) I have placed a bet on the Mexicans to win the Men's competition which means, despite topping their group, they are due to crash out any day now (see my European World Cup Predictions). Neymar has looked ok but this was against some pretty average opposition, he did lay on a goal for Oscar (great name) in stoppage time against the Belarussians. Finally, Daniel Sturridge is greedier than a fat dude with a Greggs voucher; at one point Scot Sinclair and the rest of Wembley could have killed him on Sunday when he opted to run into trouble rather than lay the ball into Sinclair. I genuinely don't think I've ever seen a greedier professional player.

I'm off to bed now. I promise I'll try and post again very soon. Hopefully GB will do well and we'll enter the football again in Rio 2016. I've loved the coverage it has got this year.

10 Things: Week 6 - 10 things that irk me about having a West Ham season ticket

I've been away in Ibiza for the best part of two weeks, I'm tired, I've put on weight from all the boozing & junk food, I've spent more money than Manchester City, or should I say PSG (apologies to Twitter followers and Facebook friends, I know I've tried that one out on you a week or so ago), and now I'm back. Just before I went I began the renewal process for my West Ham season ticket, I came home to find all the relevant paperwork returned with some 'i's to dot and 't's to cross (man I hate that phrase, only morons say that, same for "chillax"). The whole thing got me thinking as to what a palaver it is following your team to this extent, here's 10 reasons why...

It costs £600
And that's the cheapest ticket they do! Last year it was £530 for 23 games, this year it's gone up by £70 but we have 4 less games. And if you think about it, we'll probably win circa 6 home games next year so in essence I'm paying about £100 per victory. I wish it was cheaper!

West Ham couldn't organise a gathering where they were serving alcoholic drinks, even if it were in an establishment that's sole purpose was to brew alcohol
So I submit my form a week or so before I go away, knowing the deadline for applications passes while I'm out of the country, however I'm bombarded with texts and emails telling me how time is running out for me to renew?? But I have renewed, or have I? Has it got lost in the post? Has my application for finance been rejected (I'm not paying £600 in one go)? Will I only be notified of my failure to successfully renew after I've left the country and therefore when I'm powerless to do anything before the deadline? After a around 40 mins on hold to the ticket office call centre (I got cut off once in that time), something I wished to avoid, hence I applied via post; I discover they just bombard everyone, even if the application has gone through. Great! Cheers West Ham!

It's like buying a lottery ticket and choosing your own specific numbers, you can never stop!
So I have my seat, and it's with my mates and in an area where I know everyone. I'm not saying for a second that I've planner to stop going to West Ham, but if for whatever reason there is a season where I don't wish to renew (whether it be for financial or fed up of watching your team get pummelled reasons) I'm screwed. I'll lose my seat. The thought of this unsettles me somewhat.

Going to games takes up most of my day
I leave at about 1 o'clock on a Saturday and get back at about 6:30 in the afternoon. That's a large chunk of one of my two days off a week!

There's going to be midweek games
Not as many as in the Championship, they literally play whenever they can find a spare 90 minutes, but the whole rushing there from work and getting home at 10:30-11:00 bothers me too.

People tend to do stuff at times or on days when West Ham are playing
Within the first month of the season I have a clash with a birthday celebration and a wedding. I hate having to check the fixture list every time somebody mentions a gathering on a weekend.

If friends or family want to come to a game they can't sit with us
Where I sit, it's all season ticket holders. Every so often I have a mate or someone who wants to come and watch a game with me but that's only possible if one of my mates who has a season ticket doesn't come. Grrr!

I AM NOT this guy!

People who don't like/understand football assume you're some sort of West Ham nut job just because you have a season ticket
I'm not that fella from Portsmouth with the crazy hair and tatoos! I don't wanna change my middle name to "West Ham" or "WHUFC"! I don't wanna name my kids after Bobby Moore & Trevor Brooking (even if they're girls)! I wouldn't have a West Ham themed wedding or birthday party or batmitzvah! I just want to see my team play regularly for the most cost effective price.

It gets cold in the winter
I am not looking forward to standing with a -1 wind blowing on me whilst bemoaning Carlton Cole for his failure to hold the ball up or having random Stoke fans point at me and do the w*nker hand gesture.

Nobody cares Stevie G!

I'll miss other decent games or sports that on TV
West Ham always seem to play at home when there's a Grand Slam Sunday. The Premier League should consider that I may want to see Man City v Man Utd rather than West Ham v Wigan (that had better not actually be a fixture clash) and I will not be happy if I miss the Cup Semi Finals or even Final! I don't care about the Carling Cup final though, nobody does unless they're in it!

Can I just say, I love having my season ticket. I will not be getting rid of it any time soon!

The view from my seat

Update

Congrats, but don't get carried away

I know I've not been on here for over a week now, I've been kinda busy. Just want to say congrats to Spain on Winning the inaugural European World Cup (yep I'm continuing the joke), lets see if they can defend it in 4 years time. See that's how you praise them! I think everyone is getting a little excited and carried away, proclaiming them as the greatest team ever. Yes they've won three competitions on the bounce but so did Uruguay in the 1920's/30's and the Italian side of the mid to late 30's might have done the same had the European World Cup been invented back then, the Brazillians of the late 90's/early 00's would have probably won three World Cups had Ronaldo not had a fit in the preparation for the 1998 final... The point I'm trying to make is, let's not get carried away, lets just appreciate Spain for what they are, a good football team, let's stop "sucking them off" (for want of a better phrase). They've been fortunate at times as have others been unfortunate, this not to take anything away from them but I'd say Germany were the most impressive team this year, they had an off 60 minutes (just as Spain did against Switzerland in their first game of the last World Cup) and were caught out. Italy were well beaten in the final but nobody seems to remember that they played the best part of half an hour with 10 men due to an unfortunate injury to Thiago Motta. England were... nah I'm kidding! England were dog poo as usual and everyone got excited despite constantly saying, "we're not getting excited this year", I mean can you believe there were people who thought we could match up to the likes of Italy?? We ended up putting in an embarrassing performance, it's not surprise we lost the penalty shoot out the players were knackered from spending 100+ minutes chasing Andrea Pirlo and co.

My final thoughts on Euro 2012, a thoroughly entertaining tournament the likes of which I haven't seen for a VERY long time. Let's hope the 2014 World Cup is just as good.

Best player: Andrea Pirlo, the only person who wasn't Spanish to come out of the tournament getting "sucked off" (sorry) by the press over here. It's liken they'd never heard of him, despite him being a World Cup winner, the wrong side of 30, playing for the current Italian champions... lazy journalism!

Worst player: Georgious Samaras. Wow! He was shocking. In the BBC closing montage they had a slo-mo of another Greek player shouting at him, I thought that was quite apt as I can imagine he'd have been pretty frustrating to play with. He did get on the scoresheet against the Germans though, I believe that puts him on 5 for the season. Yes! Five!! From a forward!

Best goal: Blaszczykowski's equaliser for Poland against Russia, great strike, apologies for Mick McCarthy's drab Northern accent.

Best Game: Not sure? The opener was pretty entertaining what with two red cards, a penalty save and a host of jokes regarding Greek instability & Poland's right wing element (this stuff writes itself sometimes).

Worst Game: Spain v Portugal, snoozeville. See they're not all flair and "Tika Taka"

Best Celebration: There weren't many or any unusual celebrations so I'll have to go with Balotelli's shirt off flex

Best Team: Germany, in my opinion. But that is closely followed by Spain. The best team doesn't always win!

Worst Team: Ireland, see Samaras. He scored as many as they did!

Best name: "You're a Czech!!" (Jiracek)

Best Look-a-like: Manuel Neuer looks a man from a Nazi propaganda poster or like he'd be on the East German team in Cool Runnings.

Hey, Jamaica! Watch out for Number Twelve turn. Scary, jaah?

Other notable mentions: Can we stop playing music after a goal is scored please UEFA? It's not clever. It's what teams from up north that have half empty stadiums do. We also do not need a pretentious overhead gradually zooming in, camera shot of every kick off. Nor do we need a countdown to kick off, the referee's whistle is sufficient. And goal line technology?!? Pfft, how many more times do I have to say it, Penalty or Goal, it worked when I was a kid.

So that's it, 31 games, 76 goals, 3 penalties, 3 red cars, 2 penalty shootouts and another drab performance from England and we're back where we began, Spain are still the champions of Europe. On to the David Beckhamless Olympic football tournament (Oh, the outrage! *rolls eyes*), which I will be attending. But before that I've got 10 days in Ibiza so don't expect to hear much from me at least until the 18th or so...

Check out these.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xrzg3a_itv-euro-2012-tournament-closing-montage_sport
http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/18668987

The European World Cup Semi Finalists

We've got three games left of the 2012 European World Cup. It's been a very entertaining tournament, I've thoroughly enjoyed it. Quite frankly I have no idea what I'm going to do with my Evenings for another two years (and I'm scared by the prospect of emptiness).

Here's a brief, and very alternative, guide to the remaining four teams vying for European World Glory.

Portugal

International Footballing Pedigree
The Portuguese have never won anything at senior level in international football. The had a decent World Cup in 1966 and managed to finish 3rd and in more recent times came 4th in the 2006 World Cup in Germany. Portugal have a slightly better record in the European World Cup reaching the Semi Finals in 1984 and 2000 and the Final on home soil in 2004. Can they deliver this year.

"Nope! I'm not sure who Martin Keown is either?"

Legends
Has to be Eusebio and Luis Figo, both of who were pictured sitting together at their Quarter Final win over the Czech Republic. Apparently Martin Keown didn't know who Eusebio was, shame on you Martin, to be fair though, he probably doesn't know who you are...

Stereotype
The Portuguese always have very talented midfielders, most of which are wingers. Portuguese forwards are mediocre at best.

Worst Player
Helder Postiga? I'm going to plump for him. Postiga, once of Sp*rs, has only ever done one thing of note in his career as far as I'm concerned and that is score against England in the 2004 European World Cup Quarter Final.

Chances
According to everyone else they have a good chance off of the back that Ronaldo plays for them. Personally I can't see them getting past Spain.

Spain

International Footballing Pedigree
Barring the 1964 European World Cup Spain were absolute dog poo at international level, that was up until 2008 when something clicked. The Spanish have now gone from that team you liked watching but knew would never amount to anything (a bit like Argentina) to an all conquering winning (and passing) machine. It's testament to their ability that I'm starting to dislike them, I don't like winners.

Check out those boots

Legends
For me it would have to be Raul and Andoni Zubizarreta but then these guys never really amounted to anything at international level (much like the sides they played in). Another notable mention, but a man who is some way off of legendary status, is Alfonso. Alfonso was never an amazing player for me but he was the first person to consistently wear white boots. Well that's what I remember anyway, and he was the most expensive player on Championship Manager 97/98, £18m?? You're paying for the boots!

Stereotype
The Spanish never score an ugly goal and every one of their players would walk into any other nations team and pick it for the manager too. They pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass and then pass some more.

Worst Player
Victor Valdez, I mean he's alright but he does make the occasional mistake, and he'll never ever get to play for the national team consistently, what with Casillas & Reina and the likes of De Gea and Asenjo who will play for La Furia Roja (check me and my Spanish out).

Chances
They'll probably end up winning the thing and become the first team to successfully defend the European World Cup. That will displease me!

Germany

International Footballing Pedigree

Need I even write this? The daddies of international football, well in Europe anyway. For those of you living under a rock European World champions in 1972, 1980 and 1996, World Champions 1954, 1974 and 1990. The Germans have had their worst period in international football, in terms of success in the last 16 years and they still managed a World Cup Final, European World Cup final and the 3rd place playoff at the last two World Cups. In short, they don't mess about.

Even the tracksuit top is a bit questionable. Are there no mirrors at the German FA?

Legends

Franz Beckenbauer, pioneer of the Sweeper position. Gerd Muller, prolific goal machine. Paul Brietner, Karl-Heinz Rumenigge, Jurgen Klinsman, Rudi Voller, Lothar Matthaus... the list goes on. All I can say is that for all their great players they could never find a good hair stylist. What is with the tashes and mullets guys?

Stereotype
The Germans always win, especially if it's a penalty shootout. If their style of play could be summed up in one word it would be efficient.

Worst Player
I'm gonna say Jerome Boateng. I mean he's not a bad player he just has lapses in concentration when he plays at fullback. Their Centre-halves can be questionable at times too.

Chances
I've been backing them for the last two and a half years to win this thing, then I lost my nerve and put my money on France (seen as I never get these things right). If Spain don't win it Germany will.

Italy

International Footballing Pedigree

But for Germany, they'd be the most successful European side in international football. World Cup winners in 1934, 1938, 1982 and 2006 and a European World Cup in 1968. They're pretty handy at this tournament lark.

Happy Birthday!!

Legends

Like the Germans there are so many Giuseppe Meazza, Luigi Riva, Dino Zoff, Paolo Maldini... the list goes on. It's Paolo Maldini birthday today, so I'm going to put up a picture of him.

Stereotype

The Italians are defensive, and they're cheats and they love an illegal bet. Don't watch any of their games as they'll be absolute snooze-fests.

Worst Player

Mario Balotelli for me, I get that he has talent and her can do amazing things, but I'd play Di Natale given the chance. Personally I think he wouldn't have started so many games had Giuseppe Rossi been fit or Giampaolo Pazzini not been shocking this season. He does have a great song though.

Chances

Despite having the worst preparation to the tournament the Italians find themselves in the Semis off the back of the most one sided 0-0 I've seen for a while. The last two times they've been embroiled in betting/match fixing scandals in the run up to major tournaments they've won them (1982 & 2006). Who knows what they'll do...

Right, that's the four Semi Finalists, I'm off to bed. Enjoy the games, let's hope these last three can live up to the high standards set so far in the competition.

England definitely aren't playing now, the Post Mortem **Warning, this isn't remotely funny**

De Rossi the bearded wonder tried his best to break the 0-0

I'm not sure how funny today's post is going to be, if I'm being honest I'm not that fussed that England are out of the European World Cup, at no stage did I think that they had any chance of winning the thing. First things first, you know what I'm annoyed about, the fact that England forced the first 0-0 draw of what has been one of the best major international football tournaments I've watched in years. Here's one for all you Statos out there, if this tournament doesn't have any more 0-0's it will set a new record in the current formant of the European World Cup (16 teams) for having the least 0-0 draws.

Euro 96 - 3
Euro 2000 - 3
Euro 2004 - 3
Euro 2008 - 2

If that doesn't stop you getting a girlfriend nothing will (it didn't stop me, somehow??). It has been a great tournament and I just knew England would be the team to ruin it for everyone, they basically limply clung on for a draw for the last hour or so in the Quarter Final versus Italy, not good enough from an entertainment perspective. If I'm being honest I'm actually being harsh on England, but for the lack of goals the game was actually quite entertaining, how much of a say England had in how entertaining it was is debatable.

On to England's performance itself, I'm not going to write this rant out again, I've already emailed it today so I'm just going to do a copy and paste job. Apologies to @el_hugh_lmc who has already heard this, you'll have to just read it again. Just to give this some context, he felt we got more than we deserved and could have easily lost by 2 or 3, I agree saying:

I thought we offered more against France (is that because they themselves were pretty abject?) but can see where you’d draw similarities. Gerrard was Gerrard in my opinion, good/consistent when it comes to doing the footballing basics but no talisman when it comes to playing against a decent midfield. Even if you take the penalty out of it Ashley Young was awful (as was Milner but he always is)! I forgot he was (they were) on the pitch, he spent 120 minutes being Abate’s b*tch and playing double left back with Ashley Cole. And I remember the same against Ukraine, they just weren’t clinical enough to punish us!

I think we’ll never change because, keeping the ball is viewed negatively. People boo and moan at football matches when players pass backwards (well they do at West Ham, "The Academy of Football"). Regardless of what anyone, correctly, says about what we need to do at grass roots level we’ll always play the same way because nobody has the patience to persist with the possession game. We want instant results, which means charging forward regardless of your opponent, which works if they either adopt the same tactic or aren’t composed enough to deal with you, will always be the English way.

You could argue that my opinion is a tired and lazy regurgitated one, but unfortunately it's the truth. What shocks me even more (actually it doesn't, it happens every time we play in a major tournament) is the number of people who managed to kid themselves we'd do well. Saying that everybody's been really low key with the hype this year then going on about how well we'd done in the group stage isn't playing us down. The facts are, we clung on to a draw in the second half against a French team that never got out of second gear (urgh, what a clichéd phrase) and then proceeded to scrape past two average sides in the form of Ukraine (I'm still tempted to add "The" before) and Sweden, both of whom failed to qualify for the last World Cup. Both sides did enough to get at least a draw against us, if not win those games and what was the response? This. I genuinely wonder what planet some people are on? Do they realise that football exists outside of Ford Super Sunday and Barcelona/Real Madrid games in the Champions League? I know I'm being really harsh but how can we expect to improve if we can't even acknowledge that there is much better than us out there. God save English football!

Pirlo ran circles round Scott Parker

The positive from last night was the performance of one Andrea Pirlo, the man oozed class from kick off right up until he Panenka'd Joe Hart in the shoot out (apologies for the naff Tina Turner backing music). Meanwhile Ashley Young lived up to my expectations by whipping his penalty against the bar, the man whips EVERYTHING, I reckon he's even into bondage and his favourite dessert is probably whipped cream. Back to Pirlo, he ran the show and basically did what I'd like to see and England midfielder do one day, it's never going to happen though is it. Pirlo even Scott Parker'd Scott Parker and done him with one of those little circles that he does where he doesn't actually go anywhere but manages to get out of a tight spot with the ball (I can't find a video of it, look out for it the next time you see Parker play).

Ashley Young never comes out with the boys, word on the street is that he's whipped

Anyway, on to the Semis and hopefully no further 0-0's. Come on Germany, I need more points in the work prediction competition. As for England, they aren't even playing until the next World Cup (if they qualify), I reckon they'll win it, this is our Golden Generation...

Apologies for the lack of humour, I didn't feel it was warranted today.