The impending European Championships and my most recent "...but England aren't even playing!" moment

It feels like everywhere I look I see this pic

I am fudging excited about the European Championship, I've been scouring the internet for related websites for news, stats and old videos (yes I'm that sad), I've set the BBC Euro 2012 Website as my homepage at work, I'm following Euro2012Tweets on Twitter, I'm doing it all. And then came the news. At work I'm currently involved in a project, in which we're trying to implement a new IT system. The User Acceptance Testing phase of the project is due to start in June however we are slightly behind schedule, some bright spark has suggested we work after hours for 2/3 weeks in June. After hours being from 5pm (kick off time of the 1st game in the day) to around 9pm so basically I will see none of the tournament. My response was simple, "No!" No way! No chance, not even if they gave me quadruple pay. At one point I could see that they were close to suggesting that it'd be OK as they'd make sure I'd get to see all the England games... Upon reflection they thought better about going down that route. The weird thing is, and this is genuinely weird, you may even say laughable, I had a dream a few months ago that I missed Euro 2012. At the time, I kid you not, I woke up in a cold sweat and thanked god that it was just a dream, now it looks as if my nightmare may become reality (how melodramatic do I sound).

Let's move onto some positive stuff, I sense the tone of that last paragraph wasn't in keeping with the rest of this blog so far. So here's what I call a "brain dump" of my thoughts re Euro 2012.

First things first, England. England apparently played out a pretty drab 1-0 win against Norway on Saturday.  I didn't see any of it because my weekend basically consisted of barbecuing every piece of meat in site and watching the West Indies struggle to a 9 wicket defeat against England at Trent Bridge. Yes my second sporting passion is Cricket, not that FC Twente 20 rubbish or any other form of 1 Day pyjama Cricket, proper red ball, white clothes, don't score a run for 20 minutes, Test Match Cricket. Love Test Match Cricket me, unfortunately I'm a massive West Indian fan and just like the other "West" in my life (that of the "Ham" variety) they're useless and continually disappoint me. So on Saturday I spent the day praying they'd get some wickets and eating burgers, and got so carried away with the outdoor lark that I totally missed the England football team hand Norway "One hell of a beating". I'd love to name some famous Norwegians in the style of the fella in the link but I don't really know any. Erm, "My Mate Marlon (who lived in Norway for a short while, but is from Harrow)! John Arne Rise! The Hot Blonde Girl at Uni that didn't talk much! Tore Andre Flo! Havard Flo! Jostein Flo! Flo Jo! Your boys took a hell of a beating!" Well not quite from what I hear and now Gareth Barry is out, which I don't see as a major blow, he hasn't even been replaced by another midfielder. Saying that Jordan Henderson is terrible, I'd have called up a player in a different position just to avoid choosing him too. Fact of the matter is, England wont get knocked out because they were missing Barry, no we'll choose some other scapegoat. On a side note, I see that Wayne Rooney is 33/1 to be top scorer I'm willing to bet anyone he won't score more than 2 goals in the tournament, I'll come back to this when England are eliminated and see if I'm right.

In other team news, the Italians are embroiled in another match fixing scandal they've dropped Criscito as a result and Mauri has been arrested. Anybody with decent knowledge of international football history will know that this pretty much means Italy will win the tournament, as their last two World Cup triumphs both came off the back of match fixing scandals. The other 15 teams don't stand a chance.

Will he sort himself out?

Fernando Torres has made the Spain team despite being about as deadly in front of goal as Emile Heskey in the past 18 months and seemingly at the expense of Roberto Saldado who I think can feel a litle hard done by seen as he has been very un-Emile Heskey like. Soldado has 3 goals in 4 games for Spain including two in a recent Friendly against Venezuela. Torres has... erm secret videos of Vicente Del Bosque in compromising situations? God knows?? Luckily Del Bosque saw sense and took Fernando Llorente from Athletic Bilbao otherwise he'd have had me the whole of the Basque Country to answer to.

Germany lost on Saturday. I'm not sure how or why, but I do know that none of their Bayern Munich players played. I said the Germans would win this tournament over 2 years ago, in the face of all the Spanish bandwagoners, and am sticking to my guns. A lot of other people are now starting to defect to Ze Germans, pfft I set trends rather than follow them. All I need now is Mario Gomez to do at Euro 2012 what he's being doing at club level for a while.

I'll be back later this week with another 10 Things (it'll be European Championship related), I'll leave you with this BBC video of the best of Euro 88...

10 Things: Week 3 - 10 Reasons why I'm glad West Ham are back in the Premiership

4 days on from West Ham's Playoff Final triumph and I've not really given it much thought, until now that is. They've already emailed me to say, "Thank you for (my) loyalty" and also told me that season Tickets are already available starting at £600 (a rise of £70 from last year for me), but my thoughts are currently with the impending European Championship which starts in a fortnight's time. This evening I sat down and thought to myself, "Phew! I'm relieved West Ham are back in the Premiership", here's ten reasons why...

The risk of becoming a "Championship Team" (and subsequently a "League One" team)
My dad is an Ipswich fan, totally random considering he doesn't have a tractor and hasn't been near a farm in years, we often speak about Ipswich and their struggles in trying to return to the Premiership. Unfortunately Ipswich's poor form in the last 25 or so years seems to have beaten all of my dad's optimism out of him, he says to me that it isn't worth them reaching the top flight again as they'll only become the, "Whipping boys" (he actually says "Whipping Boy" in his slight West Indian accent, they never pronounce the "S") and will struggle to compete every week. I disagree, by staying in the Championship Ipswich have, and West Ham ran the risk of, becoming a Championship side, as other Championship sides get better eventually they then struggle to stay in the Championship and run the risk of being relegated to League One. See Leeds, Nottingham Forest and Charlton for examples.

Rubbish ball

That rubbish looking Mitre ball they play with
Everything about the Premiership looks better, for example they get a nice crisp new Nike ball every year. What does the Championship get? Some rubbish little Mitre ball! The Nike ball looks light and high tech, the Mitre like a heavy marble. No wonder most Championship teams just hoof it, there's not much you can do with that rock. And to add insult the injury the Football League say, "Ok we recognise it's a terrible ball so we'll give you one in the colour of your team to play with..." Not good enough! It's like when you get bored on FIFA and you go into the options and start playing around with the unusual balls you can use. "Ooooh!! There's a purple Puma ball..." No! Go out and invest in a decent Nike or Adidas ball, they're £15.99 for two in Sports Direct!

Having to stay up after Match of the Day has finished
Does anyone actually watch the Football League Show?? I barely watch Match of The Day and when I do I'm definitely not awake by the end of it when they're showing a 0-0 at the DW between Wigan and West Brom, so I'll be damned if I'm staying up to wait for them to show 30 seconds of West Ham versus Doncaster. The pundits are rubbish, Steve Clarridge and Leroy Rosenior, really?? As for the games, I have no idea what is going on, they show extended highlights of a game in the Championship, then some Championship goals, then some League One highlights, then some more Championship goals again? What? Give it up BBC.

Games on a Tuesday
As a fan who has held a season ticket for 8 years if there's one thing I hate it's games that take place at any time other than at 3pm on a Saturday. Rushing home from work (sometimes not even going home first), not having dinner, getting in between 10:30-11:00 and to make matters worse the games are always 7:45 kick offs so you struggle to get there on time. They seem to play EVERY Tuesday in the Championship. Use your brains and think of the fans Football League!

Games on a Friday
All of the issues you get with games on a Tuesday then add in that you'll probably want to be out with your mates rather than watching your team take on Coventry City. Once again the Football League showing that they give the fans no thought when they plan the football season.


Games pretty much whenever they can squeeze them in
On top of playing pretty much EVERY Tuesday and plenty of Friday's there's Saturday night's every Bank Holiday, Lunch Breaks whenever they can squeeze a game in. Arrrrrrgh!!


The Premiership song
I love the Premiership song My Saturday Self, I'm not sure why? I think when I hear this for the first time next season it will dawn on me that West Ham are back in the top flight. When I went to my first Championship game since 2005 at the beginning of the season there was an awkward silence after the teams came out (after Bubbles had finished playing), in my head I was humming the Premiership tune. I wont have to come August/September.


Getting to sing, "John Terry! Your mum's a thief...!" solidly for 90 minutes
The only other song that exists in the Premiership that can compete with My Saturday Self is this tribute to John Terry's Mother's penchant for taking items from supermarkets without exchanging them for money. Word of the street is also that, "She'll be running round Tesco's with the shopping in her bag..."

Mmmmmmmmmm Lasagne

Playing Sp*rs
I do love playing Sp*rs, their fans will say it means more to us than it does them, as if they're some sort of superclub and to us playing them is a cup final. I enjoy it because I hate them, and they hate us and the game fills me with fear and excitement, and Sp*rs have a habit of charitably gifting struggling clubs with points, thanks for the 4 points last time Sp*rs! Didn't help though did it, can we have 6 next season?


The risk of bankruptcy
All jokes aside West Ham and other teams that get relegated from the Premiership face the prospect of being financially ruined if they don't get back up within a few seasons. I've read that this season our owners had budgeted for us going back up immediately so failure to get back into the top flight was seriously not an option. You only have to look at the likes of Portsmouth and Leeds as examples of what can happen to teams once relegated from the Premiership. Such is the nature of football nowadays, what with the millions of pounds flowing through it every day, unfortunately in order for us to have highs like the Premiership and the Champions League we have to have lows too. Investing in football teams is as good as gambling nowadays unless you have billions...

Anyway I'm rambling now, we're back in the top flight and those were 10 reasons why I'm glad we are. That's the end  of domestic football chat until July for me, bring on Euro 2012.

A day in the life of a Play Off Finalist

I was lucky enough to get to Wembley and see the npower Championship Play Off Final Between Blackpool and West Ham. This is how my day panned out...

8.30
Wake up hungover and smelling of lamb doner kebab from my football team's presentation the night before. Not relishing the thought of going out and having a few drinks before the big game. Nerves 2/10.

10:45
Have to wake my flatmate, who is an absolute mess from the night before, as we need to be at Liverpool Street  Station for 12:00. Find him upside down, topless, in bed with his jeans and shoes still on and a puddle of sick next to him. Very amusing, nerves 2/10 still as it has lightened my mood.

11:30
Finally leave home, it's actually quite a decent day, feel justified in not taking a coat with me. Flatmate is clearly still drunk and stumbling all over the place. In a case of mistaken identity (or actually a complete misunderstanding) he is accused of littering by some random crazy lady, she calls him a "pig". Even more amusing but the nerves are up to 3/10.

11:41
I receive a text from the Mrs saying she had unexpectedly encountered a large number of West Ham fans at Baker Street station. She's miffed as to why they are singing about, "Running round Tottenham with their willies hanging out." Nerves are down to 2/10.

West Ham fans take over Liverpool Street

12:15

Arrive at Liverpool Street to find that it is absolute carnage. There are West Ham fans everywhere and the odd group of Blackpool fans mixed in with the general public, it's easy to identify any Blackpool fans as they are greeted by (tongue in cheek) boos from the crowd. There is an abundance of drunk under-age West Ham fans gulping from cans of unfamiliar branded cheap beer. I start off with a couple of shorts (beer is too fatty), nerves are right down at 1/10 as I'm relishing the atmosphere.

12:55

We head towards the Metropolitan Line Westbound platform, it is absolutely heaving and all we can hear are cries of "IRONS". How the hell am I going to get onto a train? Nerves are still at 1/10 I've pretty much forgotten about the game.

13:00 - 13:52

One of the longest and most uncomfortable, yet enjoyable tube journeys I've ever experienced. Wedged on a Metropolitan Line train from Liverpool Street to Wembley Park. I pretty much heard every West Ham song on a loop 4 or 5 times. Christian Daily had free reign over the wife of every man on the carriage. Nerves are 0/10, I'm more worried about Christian Daily going on a wife shagging rampage!

13:52

We walk down Wembley Way, never thought I'd be doing that with West Ham, finally there is a substantial number of Blackpool fans. We're taunted by a couple of 'meat head' blokes in orange but the crowd quip back with "Does your donkey know you're here?" Very amusing, nerves are back up at 2/10 as I can now see the stadium.

Decent view

14:10

We're inside! We go out to check our view and it's decent, despite my initial reservations that it seemed that we may be too low (row 7). After a few snaps we're back in the concourse and I'm having a beer, I know they're fatty but there's no other option. Beer, burger and a wee and it's pretty much time to go to our seats. Nerves are up to about 6/10, come on West Ham, don't choke!

14.55

The teams are out and some girl is singing the national anthem. Since when did we sing the national anthem at Play Off finals? Would they have sung the Welsh one too had Cardiff gone through? Can we just start please I'm bricking it! Nerves 8/10.

15:00
Game on! I'm nervous! Nerves 9/10.

15:04
Blackpool hit the post! What the hell was Matt Taylor doing?? It all happens so quickly I barely had time to register it. Nerves still at 9/10.

15:35
Goal!! I don't rate him! I never saw it coming! Carlton Cole finishes well from a long diagonal ball from Matt Taylor. Forgive my lack of a more eloquent inoffensive phrase but I totally spaz out! The guy in front of me gives me big tens for some reason?? Think he'd found my constant moaning amusing. Nerves 7/10.

15:45
Half Time, 1-0 to West Ham. The most notable incident is the npower drummers and the dancing bear leading them (see above). What the...?!?! When did npower have a mascot? Why do they have a mascot, they're an energy provider?

16:00
Second Half starts, we always chuck away 1-0 leads... Man I'm nervous! Nerves 9/10.

16:03
Goal to Blackpool! 1-1 Arrrrrgh! Carlton Cole gives it away needlessly on the halfway line! For god sake West Ham, this is the story of our season! Nerves 10/10, we're going to lose!

16:30
Blackpool have had tons of chances! Every other word coming out of my mouth is a swear word, I've spat all over the guy in front of me through shouting and I'm hoarse! Nerves 11/10 (I know that's not possible), I'm convinced Blackpool are going to score. It's just a matter of time...

16:38
Nolan hits the bar! We've definitely lost this now! The footballing gods are against us! My voice has totally gone and I now sound like Alan Ball! Nerves 11/10 still.

16:44
Goal!!! Ricardo Vaz Te! I literally just shrieked like that guy who saw his van pushed into the river on Beadle's About. How long to go? Can everybody stop singing songs about going up please!! You're going to jinx it! Nerves 10/10, back down but still high as this is West Ham.

16:52
We've won! We are going up, say we are going up! Nerves 0/10, we're up! We're going to get pummeled by Stoke and Fulham and Norwich next year! Woooooooooooooooo!

17:05
Trophy presented! We're up! I don't get why we get a trophy? And get to climb the Wembley steps? Southampton had a better season and went up automatically and they didn't get all this, bit unfair on them. Ah well. Nerves 10/10 for next year!

19:45
The day's Championship related events have been forgotten, this whole season has just been a horrible nightmare which is now over. Can we please never get relegated again. Time to watch the Champions League Final...

What the hell is that hair about?

My day obviously didn't end there, I wrote this post while watching Chelsea somehow win the Champions League. Two things to say regarding that, the first is that I hate Salomon Kalou's hair, what the hell is going on with that spider thing. Secondly Spurs will not be on Channel 5 next year as ITV now have the rights to the Europa League (the Europa League is better anyway).

We are going up! Say we are going up! We are going up! Say we are going up! We are going up! Say we are going up...!

From the Bernabeu to the Etihad

A hell of a lot has gone on in club football in the last week, that goes without saying as we are currently at the business end of the European football season. As much as I love watching football there's a certain level of satisfaction I get every year from the season's conclusion in May. It's like reading a long novel or sitting through a long film and finally getting to the end, you almost feel like you've achieved something as you've experienced the journey from beginning to end.

Contrary to what the title of my blog will have you believe I managed to miss what is being dubbed as the best conclusion to the Premiership title race since its inauguration in 1992. I even read a tweet from one football fan that even dared to suggest that this was the greatest climax ever, even more exciting finish than that of the 1988/89 season when Thomas went "charging through the midfield". I won't go into that because my 10 Things for this week is going to be based on that but what I'm trying to say is, is that I missed all of the kerfuffle. Despite consistently (avidly) following the Premiership, even with the absence of West Ham, from day one in August, I left the cinema before the epic film ended. This weekend I broke my own self-imposed rule of making sure that I watch all major and potentially dramatic goings on in the footballing world as I went on a trip to Madrid. Hey! It's not like England were playing!

I landed in Madrid on Friday morning to be advised that I'd missed Atletico Madrid's Europa League vitory parade by about 12 hours, gutted. Being the self-righteous football fan that I am I have a soft spot for Los Colchoneros as they're the poorer relation to the all conquering , world renowned beast that is their cross town rivals Real Madrid. I am well aware that Atletico are by no means minnows, for a start this was their second Europa League triumph in three seasons and in the past they've won league championships galore, I will however always favor them over Spain's more popular big boys. I watched the Europa League final last Wednesday hoping that Bilbao (my Spanish team) would do a job on them, especially upon hearing that there was a potential nautical celebration (god I love Bilbao and their quirks), but in the back of my mind I had a bad feeling what with Atletico's form under the stewardship of Diego Simeone (of David Beckham sending off fame), their destruction of Valencia in the semi finals and Radamel Falcao's ridiculous goalscoring record in the competition; the Europa League would, like me, be heading to Madrid. And i was right. Falcao was immense and pretty much ended up being the difference between the two sides. For anyone that missed the game (shame on you) the goals are here.

So as I was saying, I arrived in Madrid at a time when their two biggest clubs had been newly crown kings of Spain (I'm sure Ashley Giles may contest that title) and kings of the Also Rans in European football respectively. to make up for the fact that I was missing what could potentially be one the defining weekends in the future of English football I decided that I should visit one of the spiritual homes of football, the
Santiago Bernabeu Stadium; and my well connected girlfriend managed to sort it all out so that it ended up being totally free.

I think they get a few more than one man and his dog in each week...

First thing I'll say about the Bernabeu is that it is absolutely HUGE (see above) and this is coming from somebody who has been to the new and old Wembleys, The Millennium Stadium and other fair sized grounds. It's just so massive, especially for something that's basically been plonked in the middle of the streets of Madrid. What I like about it is that the stands are right on top of the pitch, I can imagine it being pretty intimidating for the opposition and as someone who's struggled at times when being jeered by a couple of guys at the side of the pitch on a Sunday I can see why many players and referees may crumble when faced by 80,000 Madridstas. The main thing I'll take away from the whole thing is how much of a commercial brand Real Madrid are. The tour pretty much consisted of screeching hyperactive Spanish kids, smelly old men and smiling staff who only seemed to be on hand to either offer you the chance of having your photo taken and superimposed onto images of Jose Mourinho or direct you to the club shop, which was bigger than most UK high street stores. I'd like to think that a tour of the San Mames would be a lot more about the football and history and less commercial... yeah right!

On Sunday my focus was away from the football. As I enjoyed the 30+ degree Madrid heat, back in England things were getting exciting. As I had no intention of paying extortionate fees for roaming abroad on my mobile phone I checked the scores as I left my hotel at around 16:15 English time and could see that United were ahead and City were drawing. Trying not to appear desperate for my football fix to my girlfriend (she really doesn't get football) I resisted checking the score again until we got back to our hotel about an hour later. At this point I could see that the situation was the same although City were now drawing after initially taking the lead. I had no idea that Joey Barton had lost his mind (again) and that QPR were down to 10 men and the next time I checked the scores was long after the final whistles. I can remember seeing Vincent, or "Van San" as Martin Tyler says, Kompany on the front of the BBC Sport website holding up the Premiership trophy with a massive grin on his face and thinking, "Thank god! Justice has prevailed and Man City naturally overpowered QPR." WRONG! What had actually happened was I'd missed the greatest, or 2nd greatest if you support Arsenal and are old enough to remember 1988/89, ending to the English top flight season. What's worse is back in 1989 I missed all the excitement too. My mum had forced me to go with her to a Tupperware party!! Add that to the 1996 FA Cup final fiasco and you can see why I have such a dislike for people wanting to distract me from major footballing moments. Once again Sunday, like May 1989, was another occasion where England weren't even playing but look at what happened...

PS I'd like to make it clear that Madrid was amazing and it was well worth missing Sunday's action.

England's Number 1!!

On a side note on Saturday West Ham have their biggest game of the season, the Championship Playoff Final versus Blackpool. Despite the fact that we comprehensively beat Blackpool twice this season I am not confident at all. I absolutely hate the concept of the Playoffs especially with West Ham finishing quite a few points clear of all of our fellow Playoff combatants. At least we get to go to Wembley, it's going to be an absolute boozefest. Please God, make Blackpool roll over like Cardiff did. And note to Big Sam, start with Lansbury in goal, it worked last time.

10 Things: Week 2 - 10 Memorable FA Cup Finals (That I've seen)

It's been a pretty busy bank holiday weekend for me hence the lack of new posts on here. I've been especially busy watching West Ham book their place in the Championship playoff final, I'll probably have something to say about that (especially the trademark Kevin Nolan tap in) at some point later this week. So don't worry I'm not slacking already.

Unless you've been living under a rock, or you're American or just some weirdo you'll know that Saturday gone hosted one of the biggest games of the footballing calendar, the 1,293,486,354th FA Cup Final. I think it was something more in the 120's, I was merely emphasizing that, as with Merseyside Derby's, there's always that inclination for commentators to tell you how many there's been before. As if we care! All we football fans want is our team in the final hopefully lifting the old silver pot at some point around 4:45, or should I say 7:30 if the sponsors have their say...

I've been watching FA Cup Finals since 1989 I've seen upsets, mismatches, goalfests and snoozefests. I've even had the privilege of attending one which unfortunately developed from being an upset into a goalfest. Here's ten that I've found memorable for all sorts of reasons.

Rush is on the left right??

1989 Liverpool v Everton
As an eight year old still finding my feet when it came to familiarising myself with the football calendar, imagine how excited I was to find out that there was a live game on TV at 3pm on a Saturday afternoon. Remember back then there was no internet, so no streaming games on your BBC or Acorn computer, no dodgy channels to watch down the local pub with Iranian commentary, any kids reading this (have I done the joke about kids not reading nowadays?? Yeah, see my first post...) you don't know you're born!! So not only was it pretty special to find myself watching a game on a Saturday afternoon, imagine how happy I was when it ended up being a dramatic goal glut. For those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about, probably most of you, Liverpool scored after only a few minutes through John Aldridge who then proceeded to spend the next 80+ minutes being more wasteful than an incompetent local council. Just when it looked like it was going to be a 1-0 final (god there's been tons of those) Stuart McCall popped up and equalised with minutes, if not seconds, to go. Liverpool promptly replaced Aldridge with his better look-a-like Ian Rush, who put them ahead in extra time, only for McCall to pop up again and equalise. Then Rush went and scored again and won it for Liverpool. 8 Year old Travis thought to himself, "This Cup Final lark is pretty entertaining!" Wait til next year Travis...

1990 Manchester United v Crystal Palace
My friends and I often debate which final was better out of this and the previous year, In my eyes this is/was the best FA Cup Final I've ever witnessed. For a start Steve Coppell did that clicky thing you did with your hands in the 90's to indicate that you found something pleasing (see 5:00 into the video). Naff 90's customs aside, the game was entertaining from start to finish, with Palace taking the lead early only to see United come back from behind and lead 2-1 in the second half. Enter super sub Ian Wright, the man who'd came into professional football late from a non-league side and would then go on to become Arsenal's all time top scorer (until Henry came along) and who would talk absolute nonsense at half time during World Cup games  until Marcel "For Sure" Desailly came along. Wright scored twice to equalise then put Palace into the lead only for Mark Hughes to pop up and force the game to a replay. The replay was not a classic, Man United won with a winner from Lee Martin I think, whatever happened to him?

1994 Manchester United v Chelsea
In my time I've seen many a David versus Goliath football match and in my time I've seen many Davids fell Goliath. In May 1994 Goliath turned up, David shot him with with catapult, the rock bounced away with Goliath unaffected and Goliath then turned and squashed David with one mighty stomp. The only other Cup Final I remember being as one sided was Manchester United v Millwall (in 2004 I think), and that was understandable, that lot are useless! It didn't help Chelsea's cause that they seemed intent of giving Man United penalties at every opportunity possible. Definitely one of Wembley's mismatches.

1995 Everton v Manchester United
In 1995 David won! This Cup Final was prior to my sordid love affair with The People's Club but I still enjoyed the result. Man United had chucked the league title away the week before when they couldn't get past Ludek Miklosko ("He comes from near Moscow...") and the rest of the West Ham defence on the last day of the season. Even though they hadn't completely evolved into the winning machine that we have become accustomed to in the last 20 years, we all still wanted them to lose. And lose they did. The two things I remember most from this game were Paul Rideout stunning Wembley quite early in the first half, I genuinely couldn't believe Everton had scored at the time; and Neville Southall being ridiculously agile for a fat bloke, he pretty much kept United at bay for much of the 2nd half. What is it with fat blokes being deceptively agile when playing in goal?

1996 Manchester United v Liverpool
I swear this post isn't just A History of Manchester United's FA Cup Finals, it's testament to their success that they've appeared in so many in the last 20 years. The 1996 final was not one of their finest hours. This was my least favourite final, not just because of Liverpool's cream Armani suits, not because the game was awful, not because it was settled with the sound of Martin Tyler screaming, "CANTONA!" as he annoyingly always did by that point of the 90's (I'm not even sure he did the original commentary on the game as it would have been on BBC 1 but I've since heard his commentary on the game). But because it was the first cup final since 1989 that I didn't get to watch properly. My mum decided to take me shopping for new school trousers ON FA CUP FINAL DAY!! As you can imagine I was not pleased. My dad and I had the game on on the radio in the car and we did manage to rush home in time to see CANTONA! win it for United, I was not happy.

1997 Chelsea v Middlesbrough
Can you believe that back in 1997 I actually felt sorry for poor Chelsea (this was the same in 1990 with Man United). It just goes to show that as a kid you're an idiot. Back then they were useless though, I can remember them being promoted back to the top flight. I can remember how run down Stamford Bridge used to look, I also remember being a little excited when Ruud Gullit and Glen Hoddle (both in the twilights of their careers) signed for them. Had I known what the beast would have turned into I most certainly would have begrudged Di Matteo giving them the lead after just seconds against poor Middlesbrough. I can't even remember who scored the second Chelsea goal, for the record I don't want to remember.

2001 Liverpool v Arsenal
I didn't watch this one live as at the age of 20 I used to play cricket for a team on Saturday afternoons. As a person who likes Arsenal and has a strong dislike for Liverpool I would seem I didn't miss much. In the history books this will go down as Liverpool completing the second part of a historic, but two-bob, treble. I think the game is more significant as it gave many Arsenal fans, who were excited by the Arsene Wenger led revolution that had started at their club, a glimpse into the future of the club and how their many near misses with success would pan out in years to come. This was also the first FA Cup Final in The Millennium Stadium, two crimes were committed that day in Cardiff. The first one was Murder, Arsenal absolutely murdered Liverpool that day, I've not even seen the full 90 minutes but I can safely say from the footage I've seen the only place you'd experience more of a massacre would be in some sort of military dictatorship. The 2nd crime committed that day was Robbery. Arsenal were most certainly robbed of the cup that day (but to be fair it was their own fault), I'm pretty sure the engravers had already etched the "A-r..." on the base of the trophy when Owen popped up and got the first of his two goals. Robbery!

Not a bad view for £25

2006 Liverpool v West Ham
The only FA Cup final I've ever had the pleasure of attending. I'll start at the beginning, West Ham finally came good in 2006 and got to the Cup Final. There had been a near miss in 1991 when we were mauled by Nottingham Forest at Villa Park, the only time I've ever cried over a football match (in my defence I was 10), and there had been a quarter final in 1994 where we'd been humbled by plucky underdogs Luton Town (see my opinions on underdogs against West Ham in last week's 10 Things). Other than that we'd showed no signs of ever getting near Wembley or Cardiff, so imagine my delight when, after me saying in every round, "This is it, these are the guys that are going to knock us out..." we got to the final. Then the drama started, despite having an allocation of 23,000 tickets and only 22,000 season ticket holders (me being one of them), West Ham United managed to sell my ticket to somebody else amid rumours of fans being able to get more than one Cup Final Ticket per Season Ticket. Typical! Luckily, if there's one thing I like doing it's complaining, and after a sternly worded letter in which I said (no lie), "This whole episode has left me questioning my allegiance to a club that has taken plenty from me in the last 10 years but given nothing." We were given tickets by West Ham for just £25 each. So after much drinking and singing on a sunny afternoon in Wales, my friends and I found ourselves in the top row of the ground up in the gods behind one of the goals, we murmured Abide With Me, too drunk to read the words properly (the whole thing was not how I'd imagined it would be in my dreams when I was younger). The game kicked off and before I know it we're 2-0 up. Me being me, I didn't for second allow myself to believe we'd won the game at 2-0 and Liverpool soon proved me right, pulling the game back to 2-2 pretty soon after half time. The part of the game where I had thought we'd won was when Konchesky had put West Ham back ahead with the cross shot, I can still remember saying to myself, "20 seconds to go! I can't believe we've won the cup, 1964, 1975, 1980 and 200... Who's closing Gerrard down...?!?!"

2007 Chelsea v Manchester United
The first FA Cup Final back at Wembley, awful! But for the fact that I didn't have to go and try on new school trousers this was probably the worst I've seen. See 1996 and swap CANTONA! for DROGBA!

2008 Portsmouth v Cardiff
Another disappointing final for me. Stands out because I correctly predicted the score in both the Semi Finals and the Final but didn't have the nerve to put money on any of the games, damn my lack of nerve when it comes to gambling. This one was also a bit of a mismatch, Kanu tried to level things up by doing his best to not put the game to bed but Portsmouth got there in the end.

So that's it, 10 memorable FA Cup Finals, hopefully the FA will move next years edition (the 2,483,845,782nd Cup Final) back to it's proper time of 3pm on a Saturday afternoon. Oh, and can it be after the Premier League has finished please!

Cardiff City v West Ham Playoff Semi Final 1st Leg - My humble thoughts

Collision puts West Ham  in charge

So! Two nil to the cockney boys after 90 minutes. First things first can Sky stop saying how no team has ever turned around a two goal deficit after a playoff first leg. Stats like that serve only one purpose and that is being overturned.

If you ask my flatmates they'll say judging from the noise I made and the expletives that left my mouth we'd lost it 2-0, but as one correctly pointed out to the other when he arrived at half time and asked, "who (was) winning 2-0?" Had it been Cardiff the TV certainly wouldn't still have been on Sky Sports 1 and there's a chance it may not have even been on the stand.

On to the game, Big Sam went in with the team he started the game at Leicester last week with which seemed like a pretty sensible choice. Cardiff were much better at the beginning hitting the bar in the opening minute or two but then West Ham managed to wrestle control of the game. At the risk of upsetting any Cardiff fans who may read this (who am I kidding, as if word of my blog is reaching as far as Wales), I thought they were a little one dimensional, especially in the first half. Their main threat came from long throws into the West Ham box, god I hate long throws (mainly because West Ham don't have anyone who can take them well enough for us to benefit from them), wait til I do a "10 things I hate about Football" that'll be in there! Anyway as I was saying, I didn't feel Cardiff offered much to be fair, especially for a side pushing to get into the Premier League.

I have to say both of West Ham's goals were incredibly fortunate, Vaz Te did well to get the cross in for the first one and Collison (or "Collision" as my flat mate calls him???) managed to scramble it in. The second goal was even more lucky, in real time I thought Collision had just hit the shot really well thus beating the Cardiff keeper however the numerous replays showed it took a massive deflection.

Nolan celebrating another back post tap in

From then on West Ham didn't make the most of the chances they had to kill off the game. Cole forced a good save from the keeper, other than that he was the usual Carlton Cole for me, lethargic and appearing as if running through treacle when chasing through balls. Sorry guys, but I'm really not a fan of Carlton Cole, everyone that doesn't watch West Ham thinks he's some sort of goalscoring god at Upton Park, I always get , "he's your best player..." shouts from fans of other clubs. HE IS NOT OUR BEST PLAYER by a longshot. Neither is Kevin Nolan, another waster of game killing chances this evening. I often wonder whether I'm just not as good a reader of the beautiful game as I think I am when I hear commentators wax lyrical about Nolan because I just don't get what the fuss is about. If footballing ability was about stealing in for a tap in at the back post then doing some weird chicken dance or rowing with everybody that looks in your direction then Nolan would be plying his trade for a side chasing the Premiership trophy. Unfortunately it's not, to me Nolan always looks a little off the pace and I can never quite tell whether he's there to bolster the midfield or support the attack, at times he looks lost. As I said, maybe just me.

Have you seen this man lingering around Upton Park?

So West Ham have a 2-0 to take back to the Cardboard Box Fortress that Upton Park has been this year. I'd have loved it to have been 3 then I could breathe a little easier, forgive my pessimism but I've seen us in this position too many times at home this season, against Burnley and Reading I was calculating where we'd be with our well earned 3 points only for them to come back and leave us with none. Against Middlesbrough  we mocked their sub who bore a resemblance to Patrick Kluivert only for him to tuck one home and steal two points from us and that has been the story all season; not that lookalikes of 90's Dutch superstars make appearances at Upton Park (although I'd have like to have seen Ed De Goey or Edgar Davids or even Glen Helder) but that we just chuck leads away. Personally I think we often try and sit on very fragile leads, even in this game we found ourselves defending really deep at the end and but for some wasteful Cardiff finishing our lead going into the second leg could have been smaller or even non existent. It is for that reason that I currently have a smile on my face but I know we're a long way from the Twin Towers Arch thing that you can see from literally anywhere in North East London and even further from the Premier League.