World Cup build up - I fear my aunt is part of a Brazilian crime syndicate & sh*t that happened leading up to the time we were born

Picture this scene:

I'm round my Aunt's house on Wednesday evening, it's my 4 year old cousin's birthday party (I know, I missed the Europa League final, poor form); his older sister, who is 7 and has never showed even the slightest bit of interest where football is concerned, pulls out a Panini World Cup 2014 sticker album. I'm like, "Hmmm, interesting..." she's got my attention (that's not to say that the kids didn't have my attention before or that they never do, she just REALLY grabbed my attention at that point).

So we start to look at her album, there's not many stickers in it, she shows me that she's got Cristiano Ronaldo, I'm like, "Meh! (I'm not about the big names, especially him)". We carry on flicking through, she's got the odd sticker here and there in each team, Ya Ya Toure being the most memorable for me; then she utters four words that I'l never forget (I probably will forget them, it wasn't that momentous, but it's sounds good saying that in this story), "Do you want one?" Me: "Nah it's ok, I can't take one of your stickers". I couldn't, I mean what would I do with a random sticker anyway? I don't have the album; not to mention I'm a 33 year old man. "No!" she says. "Do you want a book?" Me, double taking, sensing something truly wonderful is about to happen: "Erm! I'm sorry. What?!? A book? You mean, do I wan't your album? No no no! I can't take your album". I probably could have, I mean for a start she won't appreciate it on as many levels as I would. But no, I couldn't take a seven year old girl's sticker album. Even if she was offering it to me. Plus she won't have stuck the stickers that she'd put in so far as neatly as I would. Out of the question. Then she says to me, "Nah! It's ok, I don't mean my book. I've got loads of others..."

He'll be looking to fire Cameroon into the latter stages of this year's tournament

She runs off upstairs and returns 2 minutes later with another 5 or 6 identical, brand new albums. "Here you go!" She says. Now I can't believe my luck, I'd toyed with the idea of getting a World Cup 2014 sticker album (a few people I know have them) but decided against it due to being A THIRTY THREE YEAR OLD MAN. But now, now I'm being presented with a free one. This was a sign and I didn't need to be asked twice to grab my gift with both hands. I flick through the album, it smells of new book, you know that smell you'd get with the new textbooks at school. Then I catch a glimpse of something. Was that Ya Ya Toure stuck on the England page?? I hurriedly go back to what I thought I'd seen. My cousin says, "Oh yeah, Jacob (her 4 year old brother, the birthday boy) has been sticking them randomly in some of the books..." My heart sinks, I quickly grab another of the newly discovered albums and do a check of it. Sure enough Gonzalo Higuain was now a part of the Cameroon squad. That album was dispatched of, then the next (I'm pretty certain Daniele De Rossi isn't Korean) and the one after that. Just as I was losing hope, BAM!! An empty album! The last album, surely this is a sign, I'm definitely taking one now.

One of my aunt's friends returning from "church"

Then I said to my seven year old cousin, who has never expressed an interest in football, "Why do you have SEVEN brand new Panini World Cup sticker albums?" My aunt then steps in, "There were loads of them at my church, they were giving them to the kids. They had so many spare they were gonna chuck them away..." Hmmm, why would a church be interested in the World Cup, why did my aunt, who also has no interest in football, take SEVEN of them? even if the church were just going to chuck them away. Something doesn't seem right about this whole episode...

Anyway, I now have a Panaini sticker album and have begun to buy stickers for it. It's not quite the same as when you're a kid. Firstly the packs are like 50p, it's very hard to resist the temptation to spend £5-£10 on a few packets. That would ruin the fun though. Secondly it doesn't feel right buying them, I feel like the guy in the local newsagent is judging me when I go in and buy stickers. It's like the old stereotype of going into a news agent to buy "dirty magazines" (so to speak), you pick up a bottle of coke and a packet of sweets or some chocolate and head to the counter, then mutter under your breath, "And two packets of Panini World Cup stickers please mate." Don't judge me! It's a World Cup!

Earlier this week some more World Cup squads were announced, including England's. The biggest story to come out of that was the omission of everybody's favourite villain Ashley Cole. And would you believe it, Ashley actually acted with some grace and humility when he took to Twitter in response to the news. I was completely shocked given Cole's past track record when using social media and the fact that he seems to generally court controversy through his ridiculously idiotic actions (by the way, who has sex with somebody that is continually being sick?!? How desperate was this girl?). Well done Ashley!, Maybe you're not as much of a nob as I thought you were...

One person who still hasn't grasped the power of social media, especially when making comments that can get you in to hot water, is Samir Nasri's girlfriend Anara Atanes. I'd never heard of her before last Monday, and probably won't hear of her again once this all dies down, but she now faces the prospect of being taken to court by Didier Dechamps and the French FA. Good luck with that love! She's tried to backtrack on the whole episode but unfortunately the French FA and co are having none of that. I reckon it was the #ShouldHaveBeenSpanish comment. Hopefully Na$ri will cover the legal fees for you.

Poor Romario, he didn't have Twitter back then

What happened to the good old days when people just cried in press conferences...?

Another story that caught my eye was the one involving the Iranian FA, who have told the players that they will need to hold on to their kits as they'll be receiving one shirt etc for the whole tournament. No chance of any half time or full time shirt swapping then. It's a little bit gutting for the Iran players as they'll be facing up against Argentina in one of their games, no chance of bagging Messi, Aguero or Di Maria's shirt then (they won't be able to get Higuain's anyway, I've heard he's playing for Cameroon this year...).

"Alright lads! That's enough celebrating. Somebody needs to get these nets down, I put them up!"

It's all a bit "Sunday League", I have images of the players all scrambling around in a big kit bag that's in the centre of the dressing room before games. Pulling damp tops out that still smell a bit weird. Arguing over who get's to wear the number 9 shirt. "You're not even a striker?!? Why are you wearing number 9...? We'll you're on the bench, so you can't have it...! Anyone got any tape??"

Surely the Iranian FA, or even the players, could afford to buy replacements. FIFA will be giving them $8m if they're eliminated in the group stage (and even more if they progress further), I've not checked the latest exchange rates but shirts in Sports Direct are like £35-£40 (£50 if you have a name on the back). Surely they can afford that!

Last Thursday I made a guest appearance on the Shoot the Defence Podcast, where we discussed the final weekend of the Premier League season, the playoffs and the Europa League final. Additionally I had a massive rant about West Ham and Sam Allardyce, as you do. Just wanted to say a massive thank you to the guys for having me on, it was really fun and I appreciate them giving me the time to express my opinions after I'd tweeted them in response to a discussion they'd had involving West Ham a few weeks ago. They all seemed really nice, and more importantly knowledgeable when it came to football and I'd happily appear on the show again, if they'd have me (promise not to rant about West Ham again). If you're interested in football debate head over to their website or alternatively download their stuff from iTunes (or any other Podcast software, I'm not an Apple person) by searching "Shoot the Defence".

Now for some more World Cup history (told through my eyes). This stuff probably occurred before you were born but as we're moving into the 70's there may have been some of you who were around when all of this sh*t went down.

1970
Right, so we're now up to 1970. This was basically the first World Cup to be shown in colour, although I'd image a lot of people still watched it in black and white, my parents still had a black and white TV until at least 1984. It was probably a bit like 3D TV, nobody had it except for those flash neighbours across the street. I mean, do you even need colour? You could see England play in white and Brazil play in grey shirts with slightly greyer shorts right?

Anyway I digress, England turn up as holders, with a side that has been argued is even better than in 66. But Brazil have arguably their best side ever, the Italians are also very good as are the Germans (who went on to dominate the early to mid 1970's). Alf Garnet Ramsey, the England manager offends all of the Mexicans with his un-PC behaviour (obviously), Bobby Moore is briefly chucked in a Colombian prison accused of nicking a bracelet from a jewellers and Jeff Astle has one too many on the flight to Mexico (this World Cup was in Mexico by the way). As a result of all of this, we (England) aren't very popular with the locals and we aren't in prime condition to defend our title.

England play Brazil in a first round group match in the boiling midday sun and lose 1-0. Jairzinho socres the only goal of the game (he scored in every game he played in 1970, a record) and Gordon Banks makes a save from a Pele header that is described as the best ever. Pele tries to score from the halfway line against Czechoslovakia but fails (Maradona was better) and then does this dummy against Uruguay which he also misses (nobody likes a show off Pele!).

England began our time honoured tradition of being eliminated at the hands of the (West) Germans but did it in spectacular style, going 2-0 up in the quarter finals only to throw it away and lose 3-2 (at least it wasn't on penalties eh). Germany begin their time honoured tradition of being eliminated by Italy in the semi finals in a game often called The Game of the Century. It finishes 1-1 after 90 minutes with the Italians scoring very early, leading for ages, then the Germans equalising in the 90th minute. Then it all goes berserk and becomes a basketball match in the 30 minutes of extra time and finishes 4-3 to Italy.

As a result of playing 120 minutes in the boiling heat the Italians are knackered when they meet Brazil in the winner takes all final. Both teams are on 2 World Cup wins each and FIFA decide whoever wins gets to keep the trophy for ever (or 13 years). The first Half is close and at half time the teams go in 1-1 but Brazil run riot in the 2nd half and score a goal that you'll see in any World Cup best moments montage (although you might not see this version).

1974
1974 was not 1970! By then everyone was used to colour TV so it wasn't novel any more, everybody had caught up with those neighbours, except for my parents (although my mum could be forgiven for not splurging on new fangled consumer goods, she was only 16). 1974 looks boring to me there was no knockout stage, just a group stage where the winners went into another group stage where the winners went into another group stage where the winners went into another group stage where the winners went into another group stage where the winners went into another group stage where the winners went into another group stage where the winners went into another group stage. Ok maybe not that many group stages, but there were two, meaning no epic quarter finals or semi finals.

East Germany qualified and were drawn against West Germany, and beat them in a classic Rocky IV style, East v West, Communists v Capitalists, Good v Evil. The West Germans got the last laugh though, as coming 2nd in their group meant they were drawn in a much easier group in the next round and dodged the Brazilians and the Dutch.

The Dutch! Oh the Dutch.Just so you know, prior to 1974 the Dutch didn't overachieve in international football. In other words they performed how you'd expect a nation with a population a quarter of the size of the likes of the UK or Germany or Italy. In other words, they did nothing. In the 1970's something changed and the orange shirts became synonymous with great footballing sides (that capitulated due to infighting when it looked like they might be dangerous). In 1974 the Dutch were good, the reached the final playing what is nowadays referred to as Total Football, a system where the players continually interchanged positions and bamboozled the opposition.

You wouldn't want to get tomato on these suits!

As I've mentioned before Brazil weren't great in 1974, neither were Italy. Remember in 1966 when the Italians were knocked out in the group stage after losing to North Korea and the returned home to be pelted at the airport with rotten tomatoes. Well in 1974 they weren't any better, so they thought they'd be clever on the journey home and didn't go back to the main airport in Italy, but many people second guessed them and still turned up when they landed to pelt them (they're lucky they didn't get the same reception in 2010, it would have ruined those lovely suits).

West Germany played and beat, everyone's favourite team, Holland in a final full of drama. Firstly, on the morning of the final German news agencies were running stories of the Dutch players "entertaining" some local ladies in their hotel during the World Cup. Johan Cruyff (FYI if you've not heard of Johan Cruyff he was like one of the best players of all time, he was opinionated and principled but he was also a bit selfish and arrogant, but he got away with it cos he was the man) had to have show down talks with his wife just hours before kick off, that can't have helped the team prepare.

To add to all of this, someone forgot to put the corner flags out before the game so the game was delayed and there was a mad dash to sort it all out. And they say Germans are supposed to be efficient (the 74 World Cup was held in West Germany, in case I haven't mentioned). When the game finally kicked off the Dutch took centre and proceeded to pass the ball around for 30 seconds then made a dash for the German penalty area. Without a German player having touched the ball yet, Cruyff was brought down and the the referee (who was an Englishman) gave the first ever penalty to be awarded in a World Cup final. Holland smashed it in and found themselves 1-0 up after a minute, and I repeat, with not a single German player having touched the ball yet.

Did they win though? Nope. Legend says that they spent the rest of the 1st half show-boating and trying to humiliate the technically inferior West Germans. On 25 minutes they had a lapse at the back and gave away a penalty themselves (you wait 44 years and then two come along), which the Germans scored. Then 2 minutes before half time, German legend and former all time leading goalscorer in the World Cup, Gerd Muller scored to put West Germany ahead. Holland spent the rest of the 2nd half frantically trying to get an equaliser but never looked like doing so. Holland had become Brazil of old times!

That's enough story telling for now, apologies for the delay in posting. I had an IKEA day bed to errect!