And if you know your 'History'...

History is a funny thing. You can make it. You can re-write it. I've got a degree in it. More importantly and in the context of this blog post, there's a phrase or should I say concept that is often banded around in the football world. That being the concept of a football team having 'History'.

Firstly I'm going to explain this concept for anyone that may not be as au fait (what the hell are you doing reading a blog on football it you're not?). In the last 20 years football has been transformed from a sport in which a few teams were dominant but outsiders stood a chance if they worked hard and luck went their way; to a game dominated by teams that are able to spend more money on a single player than some of the other competitors in their division spend assembling whole squads. With the increasing influence that money has has on the game there has been an influx of billionaire 'Sugar Daddys' purchasing average football clubs such as Chelsea, Manchester City & Paris Saint Germain and turning them into superpowers with the waive of a chequebook. As a result of this, naturally, there are a lot of jealous football fans and these football fans begrudge the likes of Chelsea stating that one of the main reasons for their dislike of them being that they don't have any 'History'. 'History' is essentially the footballing equivalent of 'Old Money', the concept of a team having the right to be successful because they have in the past and that newly successful teams have less right to 'mix it with the big boys', so to speak.

Personally I am not a fan of the concept of 'History' aka the footballing equivalent of the divine right of kings. There are a number of reasons for this, the first being that it's such a vague concept. A good 'History' is very hard to quantify, well nobody ever has quantified it for me. Do you consider a team that has won 10 trophies in the past to have 'History' or is it 15 or even 20? When looking at volume of trophies won shouldn't you also take into consideration how prestigious or difficult it was to win each one? For example you cannot equate a League Title won to a Zenith Data Systems Trophy (remember that one on Midweek Sports Special? Anyone who does, give yourself a pat on the back), a Southern League Title (West Ham won one of those once, and you don't hear me bleating on about it*) or even more relevant to modern day football a Littlewoods/Rumbelows/Coca Cola/Carling/Captital One Cup. I don't care what anyone says, not even two Rumbelows Cups equate to a League Title in my books!

*I may not bleat on about it but if I hear any more crap about teams not having 'History' I'm gonna write to West Ham suggesting we should have a star on our badge for our Southern League Title.

If your team won a trophy in this 'get up' you can say they have 'History'

Additionally, how long ago does a trophy have to have been won to be counted as 'History'? There are professional footballers who won't be old enough to vividly remember Chelsea's 1997 FA Cup victory, the trophy that is seen to have kicked off their period of relative domestic success. Yet Chelsea are the first team name on the lips of all critical wannabe 'Footballing Historians'. That trophy was won 16 years ago, how far back do I have to go? I feel a bit sorry for Chelsea (only a tiny bit), I bet Liverpool and Manchester United fans didn't have Sunderland and Aston Villa fans coming to them in the 1980's and 1990's saying that they had no 'History', that their success was worth nothing because when their teams were dominant you couldn't barge the goalkeeper over the line once he'd caught the ball (the protection that keepers get nowadays eh) and that their players never had to spend 5 days down a coal mine then  recover to wallop the opposition on a Saturday afternoon. Or did Sunderland and Villa fans (in case you're unsure as to why I'm picking Sunderland and Villa; they both can be argued to have 'History' in my eyes, especially when you go back to the earlier part of the 20th century) get stick off of fans of The Wanderers and Blackburn Rovers where does it end? Where does it end??

Another thing that really irks me regarding the concept of 'History' are the common misconceptions that people have with regards to teams that have 'History'. A typical example, and I swear I'm not picking on them, they spring to mind because I come across them all the time, is when I hear Sp*rs fans say that Manchester City have no 'History'. Now I'm not saying that Man City have 'History' but up until 3 years ago both Sp*rs and Man City had won the same number of league titles (that's 2 for those of you who didn't know, can't believe you didn't know that). I've then heard Sp*rs fans in the same breath, suggest that they have 'History' or have had periods where they dominated English football (and if you think I'm lying I'll 'out' said Sp*rs fans). Firstly I'd just like to make one thing clear, Tottenham Hotspur have NEVER had a period where they have dominated English football. Yes they were a strong side in the 60's and they have won the FA cup on a number of occasions (7 or 8, I can't remember off the top of my head and I can't be bothered to look it up) but they have not dominated English football. Secondly in my books 2 league titles is pretty comparable to 2 league titles. YES Sp*rs have won a hell of a lot more FA Cups but then anyone can win the FA Cup. Names are drawn out of a hat for Christ's sake, you could have the easiest draw in the world and get to the final, then the luck could be on your side on that one day. That's exactly what happened to Wigan this year and they got relegated. I mean West Ham have won the FA Cup 3 times! Speaking of  West Ham, I've even had people suggest to me that we have 'History'. We DO NOT have history! That's right. I said it, I don't care that West Ham are my team I'm being honest, fans need to sit and read a football history book before they start chucking the H-bomb about.

Finally let me set the record straight for all of you out there, well anyone that's still interested in Travis Newton's Whistle Stop Guide to English footballing history, most of you will have probably stopped reading by now. I must explain before I start naming names, in my eyes winning the League Title is the ultimate prize in football and is a true barometer of a teams strength as they will have, by winning it, proved that they are the best team in the land over a period of around 40 games; playing everyone else of a similar standard home and away over a 10 month period. No domestic cup competition can compare to the League Championship however the FA Cup is a prestigious competition which, it can be argued, is generally taken seriously by all teams big or small (except for that time when Man Utd went off to the World Club Cup and got schooled by Romario and Edmundo). The Littlewoods/Rumbelows/Coca Cola/Carling/Capital One Cup on the other hand is right down on the pecking order, anybody claiming to have 'History' who has mainly (or only) enjoyed success in that tournament needs  a serious talking to and will receive one if I ever find out about them. Now that I've set your expectations I'd like to declare that the following teams have 'History' and therefore their fans are allowed to sing the song that goes, "And if you know your history! Well it's enough to make your heart go! Woah! Woah! Woah! Woah...!" Anyone else is banned from doing so in my presence.

Liverpool
God I hate Liverpool, their fans are so smug and they are the biggest users of the H-bomb. Unfortunately you cannot argue with their claim to 'History'. They've even won the Littlewoods/Rumbelows/Coca Cola/Carling/Capital One Cup more times than anyone else.

Manchester United
The, self proclaimed, benchmark of English footballing dominance (in my eyes Liverpool are still more successful even at 20 titles to 18). It's testament to their success that I don't like them but can't actually think of a reason other than pure jealousy.

Arsenal
Kings of Southern England, nobody south of the Watford Gap comes anywhere near to these guys in terms of success. Anyone who suggests otherwise has either been smoking crack or is bad at addition, end of.

Everton
One that often slips under the radar of even the most learned football fan. I'm often accused of favouring them due to the ties I've had with them in the past. For those of you with lives and friends and that made it this far down (I'm not sure why you'd still be reading if you have a life), they have 9 League Titles, 5 FA Cups and a European Cup Winners Cup. They also are second in the list of teams with the longest run in the top flight AND even more importantly they sing, "And if you know your history..." THAT! My friends, is what you call 'History'.

Aston Villa
These guys can't be over looked in my eyes. Yes they've not had the most enjoyable last 15 years thanks to the likes of David O'Leary and Alex McLeish; but you cannot argue with 7 League Championships, 7 FA Cups, 5 Littlewoods/Rumbelows/Coca Cola/Carling/Capital One Cups and even a European Cup. And that European Cup was won in my lifetime (and I'm young guys, so that was pretty recent). Villa dominated the 1890's and I suspect (begrudgingly) that they were the inspiration behind West Ham's colours (although we traditionally have white socks), seen as we were formed in 1895. Imagine having so much 'History' that other teams copy your kit eh... Cough! Sunderland!

Other notable mentions are the likes of Sunderland and Blackburn Rovers. Although I'd argue that these teams like Newcastle, Tottenham, Chelsea, Man City, Sheff Weds and Sheff Utd have enjoyed some success but cannot sing the history song or claim to have 'History'.

And that, my readers, is a history of English Domestic Football according to me. You may disagree. You may think I have too much time on my hands. You may not care! You may only sing, "And if you know your history..." if you support Liverpool, Manchester United, Arsenal, Everton or Aston Villa (or maybe The Wanderers).

PS The Confederations Cup start this weekend!!!!

Erm... So...

I'm not really sure what I'm blogging about tonight I'm just going to ramble seen as I have no real theme or idea in my head. The Premier League started on Saturday, my summary of it is as follows. West Ham got off to a winning start. Aston Villa were terrible, and barely created anything all game. Kevin Nolan scored another 5 yard backpost tap in, if you've not noticed that that is all he does you need to. I say that's all he does, that's a lie, he does also argue with everything that moves. The three things I took note of from the game were, surprisingly, not related to the mediocre football I saw. The first was, Barry Bannan is bloody short! Simon Gillett short! Wikipedia says 5ft 7inches, absolutely no way!! I'm not having a bar of it, he's clearly entered that himself. You're not fooling us Barry! Secondly Aston Villa have a song much like West Ham that goes along the lines of:

"We're passing the ball!
We're passing the baaaaaaall!
Aston Villa
We're passing the ball!"

I'll assume from the above that the Villa fans, much like us at West Ham, are fed up of watching their side lump it diagonally to a big forward (swap Carlton Cole for Emile Heskey). When will these coaches learn? Hopefully Paul Lambert can improve things at Villa Park; based on what I saw, he needs to else Villa will be in trouble. The last of the things I noted was contrary to my comment regarding West Ham's usual sock colour in my post last week. I sat here and rubbished any colour accompanying Claret and Blue other than White. Only to discover at 3pm on Saturday when the two teams emerged from the tunnel, that this year West Ham's socks are in fact Claret. Herecy!!

These guys have got the little arms and  everything.  I don't believe that either are over 5ft 5in

In other Premiership news Van Persie-less Arsenal couldn't hit a barn door at home to Sunderland, Giroud had a perfect chance to score the winner on his debut and massively fluffed his lines. I swear I've seen this somewhere before? Manchester City and Chelsea both got off to winning starts, I was impressed by Aiden Azard's performance against Wigan, where he basically created both goals. I'm sure you're all reading this thinking, "Who the hell is Aiden Azard? Doesn't he mean Eden Hazard..." Well I've got news for you people, as with Azard's compatriot "Van-san Kompany", all commentators have now taken it upon themselves to give it the pretentious French pronunciation. Does this mean that if Christiano Ronaldo ever came back to the Premier League we'll have to start saying "Honaldo" in true Portuguese style?

Is he Irish? I thought he was Belgian?

City came from behind to beat Southampton, Aguero messed his knee up, thus potentially messing up my fantasy football chances and the champions were given a scare when the Saints staged a mid-2nd half comeback, which was kicked of by Ricky Lambert. The man is an absolute goal machine. Every season I say, "He won't get any thing year, he'll struggle with the step up to the division above..." and he proves me wrong (well he did last year, it's early days in the Premiership). Watch this space, he could be in for a good season.

Goal Machine

The two most successful teams in English football both got off to losing starts. When was the last time that happened (answers on a postcard)? For once I don't have a geeky stat accompanied with a joke about being socially awkward regarding that one. I'd genuinely like to know when the last time Liverpool and Manchester United both lost on the first day of the season (I might look that one up in the coming week, that'll make for a wild weekend, eh). Van Persie-ful Manchester United looked like they just got caught out on the day by a very impressive looking Everton side. Liverpool on the other hand, look shocking. Unfortunately (well fortunately for me, I don't like Liverpool) I think they're actually going to get worse this season, they seem to have steadily been getting worse over the last two decades and I don't think (based on their transfer activity during the summer) that Brendon Rodgers is going to turn things around. I suppose I could be wrong though Liverpool fans, I mean it's not like I predicted who'd win the Olympic football tournament...

A day in the life of a Play Off Finalist

I was lucky enough to get to Wembley and see the npower Championship Play Off Final Between Blackpool and West Ham. This is how my day panned out...

8.30
Wake up hungover and smelling of lamb doner kebab from my football team's presentation the night before. Not relishing the thought of going out and having a few drinks before the big game. Nerves 2/10.

10:45
Have to wake my flatmate, who is an absolute mess from the night before, as we need to be at Liverpool Street  Station for 12:00. Find him upside down, topless, in bed with his jeans and shoes still on and a puddle of sick next to him. Very amusing, nerves 2/10 still as it has lightened my mood.

11:30
Finally leave home, it's actually quite a decent day, feel justified in not taking a coat with me. Flatmate is clearly still drunk and stumbling all over the place. In a case of mistaken identity (or actually a complete misunderstanding) he is accused of littering by some random crazy lady, she calls him a "pig". Even more amusing but the nerves are up to 3/10.

11:41
I receive a text from the Mrs saying she had unexpectedly encountered a large number of West Ham fans at Baker Street station. She's miffed as to why they are singing about, "Running round Tottenham with their willies hanging out." Nerves are down to 2/10.

West Ham fans take over Liverpool Street

12:15

Arrive at Liverpool Street to find that it is absolute carnage. There are West Ham fans everywhere and the odd group of Blackpool fans mixed in with the general public, it's easy to identify any Blackpool fans as they are greeted by (tongue in cheek) boos from the crowd. There is an abundance of drunk under-age West Ham fans gulping from cans of unfamiliar branded cheap beer. I start off with a couple of shorts (beer is too fatty), nerves are right down at 1/10 as I'm relishing the atmosphere.

12:55

We head towards the Metropolitan Line Westbound platform, it is absolutely heaving and all we can hear are cries of "IRONS". How the hell am I going to get onto a train? Nerves are still at 1/10 I've pretty much forgotten about the game.

13:00 - 13:52

One of the longest and most uncomfortable, yet enjoyable tube journeys I've ever experienced. Wedged on a Metropolitan Line train from Liverpool Street to Wembley Park. I pretty much heard every West Ham song on a loop 4 or 5 times. Christian Daily had free reign over the wife of every man on the carriage. Nerves are 0/10, I'm more worried about Christian Daily going on a wife shagging rampage!

13:52

We walk down Wembley Way, never thought I'd be doing that with West Ham, finally there is a substantial number of Blackpool fans. We're taunted by a couple of 'meat head' blokes in orange but the crowd quip back with "Does your donkey know you're here?" Very amusing, nerves are back up at 2/10 as I can now see the stadium.

Decent view

14:10

We're inside! We go out to check our view and it's decent, despite my initial reservations that it seemed that we may be too low (row 7). After a few snaps we're back in the concourse and I'm having a beer, I know they're fatty but there's no other option. Beer, burger and a wee and it's pretty much time to go to our seats. Nerves are up to about 6/10, come on West Ham, don't choke!

14.55

The teams are out and some girl is singing the national anthem. Since when did we sing the national anthem at Play Off finals? Would they have sung the Welsh one too had Cardiff gone through? Can we just start please I'm bricking it! Nerves 8/10.

15:00
Game on! I'm nervous! Nerves 9/10.

15:04
Blackpool hit the post! What the hell was Matt Taylor doing?? It all happens so quickly I barely had time to register it. Nerves still at 9/10.

15:35
Goal!! I don't rate him! I never saw it coming! Carlton Cole finishes well from a long diagonal ball from Matt Taylor. Forgive my lack of a more eloquent inoffensive phrase but I totally spaz out! The guy in front of me gives me big tens for some reason?? Think he'd found my constant moaning amusing. Nerves 7/10.

15:45
Half Time, 1-0 to West Ham. The most notable incident is the npower drummers and the dancing bear leading them (see above). What the...?!?! When did npower have a mascot? Why do they have a mascot, they're an energy provider?

16:00
Second Half starts, we always chuck away 1-0 leads... Man I'm nervous! Nerves 9/10.

16:03
Goal to Blackpool! 1-1 Arrrrrgh! Carlton Cole gives it away needlessly on the halfway line! For god sake West Ham, this is the story of our season! Nerves 10/10, we're going to lose!

16:30
Blackpool have had tons of chances! Every other word coming out of my mouth is a swear word, I've spat all over the guy in front of me through shouting and I'm hoarse! Nerves 11/10 (I know that's not possible), I'm convinced Blackpool are going to score. It's just a matter of time...

16:38
Nolan hits the bar! We've definitely lost this now! The footballing gods are against us! My voice has totally gone and I now sound like Alan Ball! Nerves 11/10 still.

16:44
Goal!!! Ricardo Vaz Te! I literally just shrieked like that guy who saw his van pushed into the river on Beadle's About. How long to go? Can everybody stop singing songs about going up please!! You're going to jinx it! Nerves 10/10, back down but still high as this is West Ham.

16:52
We've won! We are going up, say we are going up! Nerves 0/10, we're up! We're going to get pummeled by Stoke and Fulham and Norwich next year! Woooooooooooooooo!

17:05
Trophy presented! We're up! I don't get why we get a trophy? And get to climb the Wembley steps? Southampton had a better season and went up automatically and they didn't get all this, bit unfair on them. Ah well. Nerves 10/10 for next year!

19:45
The day's Championship related events have been forgotten, this whole season has just been a horrible nightmare which is now over. Can we please never get relegated again. Time to watch the Champions League Final...

What the hell is that hair about?

My day obviously didn't end there, I wrote this post while watching Chelsea somehow win the Champions League. Two things to say regarding that, the first is that I hate Salomon Kalou's hair, what the hell is going on with that spider thing. Secondly Spurs will not be on Channel 5 next year as ITV now have the rights to the Europa League (the Europa League is better anyway).

We are going up! Say we are going up! We are going up! Say we are going up! We are going up! Say we are going up...!