The Curious Case of Cameroon's Women

It's been too long. Nearly eleven months actually. Since I came on here. I've been watching football, loads of it. But I've just not had the time, nor strong enough inclination, to jot down my thoughts here. A part of that will be down to having twin babies to look after and work commitments. Anyway let's stop with the excuses, I'm here now!

And what has dragged me from my slumber? West Ham? All English European Finals, one of them in middle of Asia, with players absent for political reasons? The (successful) UEFA Nations League? Nope! It's the Women's World Cup.

I, like many others, tuned in yesterday to watch England convincingly beat Cameroon. Unlike many others I also sat up until almost 11pm watching France edge out the Brazilians (I should probably say "Braaaaaasiwians"). I'm fully on board with Women's Football and really enjoy it, my next blog post was actually going to be at the end of the tournament on that subject, this may still come...

What's brought me here is the above mentioned England game, and the reaction to it that doesn't quite sit well with me.

I'm going to make the assumption that if you're reading this, you saw the game. I have loads to get through, so haven't got time to run through extended highlights, not even in the slack way that they do it on Match of The Day.

So at the end of the game the England Manager Phil Neville ("superstar with more medals than Steve Gerrard" my Evetonian sympathies there) came out and slammed his opponents for their conduct throughout the game; and there's been plenty of condemnation directed to the Cameroon ladies, as well as ridicule, within the press and on social media.

Now here comes the first of many caveats, I watched the game. Cameroon were no Saints. Before anything controversial had happened they'd spat at and elbowed some of the England players. And the challenge in front of the dugout on full-time was extremely dangerous and petulant. And deserved a straight red card. I sense that by this point the referee just wanted to end the game.

Here's the thing though (2nd caveat, it doesn't excuse any of the above, in my eyes all of those misdemeanours should be retrospectively punished) let's give the reaction throughout by the Cameroon players and subsequent reaction in the media some context.

Flip the game on its head for a second. I'm going to forget that I'm English for a second. And would ask Phil Neville and anyone reading this who is English to forget that they are. Imagine you are one of the Cameroon players playing for their nation in a World Cup.

Now let's think firstly about how Women's Football is treated in the UK (and much of the Western World), it has been long derided, under-invested in and is only really beginning to bear the fruits of a smattering of interest that's it's been shown in the past few years. I've watched the last 3 Women's World Cups, the game is developing rapidly, it's almost unrecognisably faster than it was four years ago. But it still faces many hurdles. And that's in the UK! I can't imagine that Cameroon is a more progressive nation in terms of gender equality etc, so I'd imagine the struggle to be a professional or semi-professional footballer in Cameroon is a difficult one.

Once you've gotten past all of that, imagine being good and lucky enough to represent your national team at a World Cup. Bear in mind the many great players that have never played in a World Cup, or only played in one, due to injury, loss of form or just playing for a nation that isn't strong enough to be guaranteed a spot every four years. For example Alan Shearer, the Premier League's all-time record goalscorer and allround 90s "Goal Machine" only ever graced one, scoring just two goals if memory serves me correctly. That's right, a lot can happen in four years.

So you've battled against the odds to become a professional/semi-professional woman's footballer. You're good enough to play for your national team, and your national team are good enough to make the World Cup. Then you have to negotiate the group stage. Unless you play for one of the top few nations, that in itself is going to be a struggle to get through, in the case of Cameroon it was. Your odessy has taken you into a Last 16 showdown with England, "Inventors of the game", "The Home of Football", quite possibly one of the biggest games of your career.

Now you know you aren't as good as England, you're going to have to be defensively disciplined and you're probably a bit nervous. First ten minutes pass without incident then you, or one of your teammates, miscontrol a ball into the box. Not to worry, the keeper will sweep that up...

Oh the referee has given that as a deliberate backpass! On the edge of your six yard box. It was so obviously not intentional, hence the keeper picked it up, but now you've been punished with an almost certain goal. I can hear loads of you saying that was a backpass, but I'm sorry it wasn't. No way. And I would have been fuming had Cameroon been given that. It just wasn't deliberate.

Needless to say England take the lead, and all of the plans you've been working on for the last few days are out of the window. 

You compose yourself and try and get to Half Time just one down, threatening on the break occasionally. Then the second England goes in.

Now let me make it clear. The second goal was legitimate, it wasn't offside and Cameroon should have defended a lot better in thar situation. But what baffles me about the whole thing was the decision to show a replay (without the lines that the audience at home saw) on the big screen in the stadium. I've been going to watch professional football matches for 30 years now (29 and a half actually, QPR v Coventry 26/12/89) and have had a season ticket a West Ham for the last 15. One thing I can confirm for a fact is that no contraversial decisions are ever shown on the big screen in the stadium, largely for fear of inciting a riot. Why are we doing this at the Women's World Cup? The call was marginal enough to spend a few minutes watching it over and over, WITH LINES ON THE SCREEN, on TV before the VAR crew could make a decision. So FIFA then decided to show it to the emotionally charged players on the field?!?

Like I said it was a legitimate goal and I can't defend some of the conduct of the Cameroon players, but I can see why they might have been a bit miffed, especially considering the nature of the first goal they conceded on top of the magnitude of the game and the journey they will have been on to get there.

There was talk of the Cameroon players calling racism at half time. I doubt very much that any of the decisions made by the referee, right or wrong, were racially motivated. I could sit here and ridicule the Cameroon players as I've seen others do, but I'm not a young black woman from Cameroon, who's made it as a professional footballer against all the odds. I'm a black man from the United Kingdom, I have some experience of racism, probably more experience than say the average person in the UK. But I still can't put myself in their shoes. I haven't seen, and heard, and felt what they have. So it doesn't sit right with me when others who have probably been fortunate enough not to experience what I have, let alone what some of those ladies may have ridicule their response. Sorry, it just doesn't.

Let's move on from that, I feel like what is normally quite a jovial blog has taken a more darker, more serious turn. So the second half kicks off and right at beginning Cameroon appear to pull it back to 2-1... Nope! Our friend VAR is back, once again after a minute or so of replays the Cameroon strike is (correctly) chalked off. Unfortunately the nature of VAR and football means that we are going to see plenty more of these moments if we are to continue with the farce that is video refereeing. And the feeling of having the elation of pulling a goal back in the most important game of your career snatched away, will almost certainly come with negative reprocussions. But you know what makes the situation even worse...? SHOWING IT ON THE BIG SCREEN AGAIN! Because we haven't learned from the incident twenty or so minutes ago.

Again, the decision was legitimate, it wasn't a goal. England were deservedly 2-0 up. But bearing in mind all that had gone before, all that I've talked about, the fact that some of the crowd, who I doubt were predominantly from Abidjan, began to boo and whilstle at the officials; I can see why the Cameroon players may have reacted the way they did.

The rest of the game was a bit of a damp squib, with England scoring a well worked, and deserved, third. And that inexcusable horror tackle in an English player in the last minute which could have done some serious damage.

And then comes the condemnation, "They're a disgrace to Women's Football", "They didn't even understand the rules" etc etc. The sort of holier than thou condemnation that as alighned to calling diving, "A thing foreigners do", villifying Diego Maradona's handball while at the same time ignoring the 45+ minutes worth of merciless hacking that he'd endured.

Two wrongs don't make a right in any instance so I don't think the Cameroon players were justified in their actions. But I refuse to look at them out of context and certainly won't act as if my own countrymen (and women) would never be capable of any skullduggerous behavior. And I'm definitely left feeling a little 'uncomfortable' when it is implied some of their actions were born from a lack of understanding a game that they will have fought hard to reach the pinnacle of.

Ready to go...

I came up with the name because it reminds me of that naff 90s song, "Yeah I'm standing on the rooftop shouting out ...!"

Am I actually ready to go? It's been 4 weeks since the World Cup finished. I'm kinda still grieving, and I'm enjoying the test cricket (even if the Indian batsmen aren't).

Pretty certain neither of them had heard of Alan Pardew until 5 minutes before this picture 

I suppose I am a little excited. I watched a bit of Sheffield United v Swansea the other day, that's surely an indication of New Season Excitement. West Ham have signed some players, it looks like we're actually attempting to strengthen our squad and the Porn Barons are putting their hands in their pockets. All good right...? Hmmmm For me the jury is still out, I've been burnt too many times to let myself believe that West Ham are actually turning themselves into a decent outfit. I mean we're probably the only team in the World who could pull off a deadline day coup of signing a young Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano, only to end up fighting a relegation battle, almost getting a points deduction and scraping safety on the last day of the season.

As for the rest of the football, Arsenal look interesting because I have no idea whether they're still going to be a joke or whether Emery is actually going to give them a some backbone. Liverpool might be decent, which doesn't scare me as much as it should; a sign of how little a threat they've posed to trophy engravers over the last few years. City will probably just run away with it again.

In the real leagues, which don't start until next week, Cristiano Ronaldo is at Juve! This is exciting, but also scary. The rest of the league is already scared of Juve and has massive inferiority complex. I suppose we can just call this 8 in a row already...

I say all the real leagues (aka the ones I'm interested in) start next week  but France actually kick off this weekend too. How will Buffon get on on Sunday evening? I think they're playing Caen, so he'll probably have time to spark up a cigarette, grab coffee & panatone and read a copy of Gazetta della Sport, James Richardson style, and still keep a clean sheet.

So we're back to me trying to sneak football matches in as we're getting the kids read for bed, and cooking with the tablet next to me. Following games on LiveScore because we've got some sort of Sunday lunch arranged which means I miss the Derby d'Italia. Football is back, AND IT'S LIVE (God I f*cking hate it when Martin Tyler does that, mate the Premier League isn't that amazing)!

Game 64

Game 64 of 64 is upon us. It's been an odd World Cup full of shocks; I for one never envisaged the Final being contested by these two sides. By 7pm UK time we will have new World Champions.

We've seen rampant hosts routing inept looking Saudis, while the leaders of the two nations sat straddled either side of Gianni Infantino fist bumping over every goal.

The Cristiano Ronaldo Show, in one of the most epic group stage clashes in recent memory.

VAR! Penalties awarded because of VAR. Penalties not awarded because of VAR. Plenty of penalties, well in the beginning anyway.

The holders rocked and sent home early for the 3rd tournament in a row. Surely an indication of the difference 4 years make in the football world, both tactically and physically.

Brazil doing a Brazil. Barring that little blip at the turn of the century  they have a habit of turning up at World Cups, looking like one of the front runners then somehow heading home before the Semi Finals come around. Ahhhhh Braaaaaasiw!

England reborn! Or were they? Panama may well be one of the worst sides I remember seeing at the World Cup and Tunisia weren't much cop either. Sweden made the Quarter Finals playing some pretty uninspiring stuff. And we basically came a cropper upon sight of the first half decent opponent. An improved side, or improved PR mixed with some good fortune?

Argentina showing that Messi can't do it on a wet Wednesday night in Sochi. Or at least he can't with absolutely no balance to the side that he plays in. Maradona enjoyed himself though!

Peru, Colombia and Mexico all dazzling playing high tempo football. But for all of the excitement and aesthetics none of them reached the Quarter Finals.

Africa's showing was disappointing. Salah was injured, rushed back and then unable to halt the tide of Russians sweeping over the Egyptians. Was it a case of, like Messi, one man can't polish a turd or drag a side with a number of clear deficiencies through to the later stages of a tournament? Not in 2018 anyway. In our global game where there are no mugs or easy games, except Panama. Senegal and Nigeria impressed at times. Musa won the most impressive foot race I've ever seen against an Icelandic, but they both went home early. Tunisia didn't provide much either, not the best tournament for Africa.

The knockout stages typical of every tournament I've seen with the exception of 1994. Too many penalty shoot outs, not many games that swung both ways, and not many goals in Extra Time. Kasper Schmeichel performed last minute heroics in vein; Akinfeev actually did something positive of note for once, enabling Russia to significantly exceed expectations; and we finally got that penalty shoot out monkey of our backs (only just) thanks to a piece of brilliance from Jordan Pickford.

Belgium and France provided us with two games where momentum swung in the knockout stages. Mbappe was too quick for Argentina and Japan fell apart upon the introduction of Felliani and Chadli.

The two Francophones were probably the best two teams at the this year's tournament. Hazard came to the party, Lukaku bullied on the "flat tracks" of the 1st round and De Bruyne had his moments, including one that sent Brazil home. Pogba actually looked like the Pogba that Juventus sold to Man United, causing everyone to lose a little more faith in Mourinho; and Mbappe stirred memories of a young Ronaldo (that's the real Ronaldo by the way).

Finally we have Croatia. Making the most of what quite possibly will be the last tournament where both Rakatic and Modric will be able to play together as a force. Rebic and Peresic have terrorised full backs (and Willy Caballero, what a howler); Lovren has looked OK at times, the 1st half against England not being one of those times; and Vida has looked like some kind of Sci-Fi villain who can shoot laser beams from his eyes.

Farewell Russia 2018! It's been a breathtaking month of rushing home from work (I almost said "Russian" as a poor joke), watching games while putting the kids to bed and "Football Coming Home". God knows what Qatar 2022 will be like with it scheduled to start the day before my 42nd birthday, and I'm still not convinced that the 48 team format in 2026 will work. It may well be the case that this is the last proper World Cup as we know it.

PS Bit disappointed with ITVs intro this year, massive step down from "Braaaaaasiw Braaaaaasiw!" and "Sing Sing Africa", but in my opinion ITV have trumped BBC and will be getting my attention for the Final!

Good Start!

We're underway!

The day I dreamt of for the last 23 months has come and gone, and we're 3 days into a World Cup!

There's been drama. And goals, quite a few late ones too (no 0-0s so far). We've seen half of this year's qualifiers and I've already seen enough to have formed, or even solidified, some prejudices.

The opening game was a big surprise, World Cup openers tend to be fairly lean on goals. I think the scoreline was more of an indication of how terrible the Saudis are than the Russians are good. The ITV commentator was doing my head in a bit when he kept referring to the game as "Opening Night". Give it a rest, you're not adding to the drama, you don't need to!

Also ITV's (and BBC's too) opening credits were a bit of a disappointment. Yes even little things like that are important to me! After Sing Sing Africa and Braaaaaasiw Braaaaaasiw I had high hopes. For ITV that is, despite having the best commentary team and overall presentation, I'm always disappointed with BBC's opening credits (other than the Euro 2004 Basement Jaxx ones).

Spain and Portugal served up the best World Cup match I've seen in literally decades. You have to go back to the summer of 94 and clashes between Brazil & Holland, Argentina & Romania and Italy & Spain to find as entertaining spectacles in my eyes.

France and Argentina have both put in performances that reinforced my opinion that they are massively overhyped, in terms of the output that each team produces. A lot of people, who obviously haven't seen them in qualifying, look at the squads and assume that they'll both sweep all before them. This is not going to happen, mark my words! Argentina are woefully imbalanced and have been for about a decade; and France lack the cohesion to beat anyone half decent or even beat dross like Australia convincingly.

Don't even get me started on Nigeria. I didn't see their friendly with England, I was busy with my wife who was in the middle of giving birth to our twins (yeah they're making the football watching challenging); but the post match word was that Nigeria looked decent in the second half. Before tonight's game with Croatia there was talk of them being on the up. This is a lie! For a start they've got John Obi Mikel playing with the number 10 on his back. Forget whether he's actually playing as their creative player, surely they somebody else half decent who would've wanted that number? What about Moses? For me it's nearly as bad as Asamoah Gyan wearing number 3 and not playing anywhere near Leftback.

Finally there's Peru! Ahhhhh Peru I love you! Forget the red sash, I mean their's is a great kit, but look at the football. They remind me of Colombia and Chile from the last World Cup. Energetic, open and slightly naive. I'm afraid today's defeat to Denmark may have put them in an impossible position in terms of qualification from the group. Saying that they do have to play the same France side I've just rubbished!

Bring on Father's Day, which is essentially Brazil and Germany! I can't wait!

Diego Armando Maradona and the World Cup - 10 Things

He's my second favourite player of all time just ahead of Alessandro Del Piero and behind the Ronaldo (not that Portuguese guy). It's pretty impossible not synonamise Diego Maradona with the World Cup and Argentina's performances in the competition; whether it be from the perspective of a prodigious youngster not taken to the tournament, an influential captain dragging them through, or a past it lunatic ranting at another failed campaign. In a World Cup context we've been aware of Maradona's presence for 40 years now.

"So what are the ten things you remember of Maradona from the World Cup Travis?" I hear you ask. Well...

1. Squaring up to the whole Belgian defence in 1982
It's since been debunked as a trick of the camera. If you've not seen it before, this is basically an image of Maradona, ball at his feet, with 6 Belgians (in that wonderful Belgium 1982 kit) in his way, poised to go on another one of those runs.

What's actually happened is that the ball has dropped to his feet from a free kick on the edge of the box, hence everyone is behind the ball. I'm not even sure anything came of that particular situation, but because of his heroics 4 years later we've created this fantasy of him running through the scared Belgians. The reality is that Maradona and Argentina were thoroughly disappointing both in that game and in Spain in 1982.

2. Kung-fu kicking that Brazilian dude
As said in memory number 1, Maradona and Argentina were disappointing in 1982, Messi-like if you will ("shots fired"). After creeping out of their first round group they found themselves in a second group with perennial World Cup powerhouses Brazil and Italy.

Needless to say an Argentina pre the mystique created in 1986 were no match for either and Maradona was singled out for some "Special" treatment by both sides. Once the defending champions were 3-0 down and already eliminated from the tournament Maradona decided to exact his revenge in the only way he knew how...

3. That ball for Caniggia against Brazil
By 1990 Maradona was a fully bona-fide World Cup legend but, unfortunately for him, Argentina were a spent force. They would go on to reach the final under his steam, with Maradona's highlight of the tournament being a move where he rolled back the years showing the strength to hold off two Brazilian defenders, while threading the most irresistible through ball for Cannigia to run on to and round Taffarel. Ouuff!!

4. The terrible penalty against Yugoslavia
By 1990 the sheen was starting to fade on our legend. Sure he was still capable of producing moments like that ball against Brazil, but Maradona was carrying a bit of weight and was most certainly not capable of performing the same heroics as he'd done 4 years earlier in the Mexican heat. If ever there was evidence of his mortality it would be his pitiful penalty in the shootout with Yugoslavia. It's almost as if he thought he'd score just because he was "Maradona". Luckily Goyacachea was on hand to bail him out with a string of saves that set up a semifinal showdown with the hosts Italy.

5. Trying to turn Naples against Italy
It was a bold move! But nothing was considered too bold by Diego.

"Neapolitans you shouldn’t forget that in Italy they do not consider you to be Italians. The country comes and asks for your support for just one day of the year, and for the other 364 they’ll call you Africans."

It almost worked, according to some sources there were pockets of the crowd who weren't as hostile to their Argentinian visitors. Ultimately the battle was won anyway, Italy conceded their first goal of the tournament and subsequently lost the penalty shootout at the end of the game, this time Maradona taking his spot kick a little more seriously.

6. That goal against Greece
I remember rushing home from school to see this one and I wasn't disappointed. Argentina put Greece to the sword with Batistuta scoring a hattrick. But Diego stole the show with a thunderous left foot drive into the top corner, followed by that celebration where he looked possessed. There was still life left in the old dog!

7. His performance against Nigeria
I feel like Maradona doesn't get much credit for this performance, maybe that's because he subsequently failed a drug test at the end of the game. But his influence on the team, now aged 33, should not be downplayed. Especially in the group match against Nigeria. Argentina found themselves a goal down against an exciting attacking side that would beat them 2 years later on the way to winning the Olympics.

Then up steps Diego. First he's involved in an inventive free kick that the Nigerian goalkeeper spills enabling the equaliser. Then he plays a perfectly weighted quick free kick into the path of his old pal Caniggia to set up the winner. While it was then discovered that he'd failed a drugs test, it can be argued no performance enhancing drug can help you have that awareness or deft of touch to be able to play that killer ball for Caniggia, so this is going down as another display of genius for me.

8. Sitting in the stands like a spectre hanging over the modern day team
In my opinion Argentina have never gotten over Maradona leaving the side. Its no coincidence that they haven't won a major international competition since 1993 i.e. In the post-Maradona era. There's the whole "New Maradona" thing but I also think that the very fact that he can often be found somewhere in the ground during modern day Argentina World Cup matches (even in the dugout for a brief unsuccessful spell) has a negative effect on the team.

While he is quick to praise and celebrate, I can never forget the camera panning to him as he did that weird thing with his hands after that goal against Serbia (and Montenegro?) in 2006, Diego always has to chuck in his two cents when things aren't going so well. I'm sure we'll see him again this year.

1986
Right I've purposely left this bit, the best bit, for the end. Mexico 86 is Diego Maradona! It's where the legend is born. Where he cemented his place as the best ever, in my opinion (and many others).

9. Mexico 86 outside of the England game
Before we get into that game I think a point needs to be made of his other performances on, and off, the field in this tournament. In the group phase Maradona shows glimpses of what is to come in the game against South Korea; as do the Koreans who kick lumps out of him at every opportunity.

Against Belgium, probably still on a high from the England Quarter Final, he scores two great goals, one another mazy solo dribble with an explosive finish.

It's always said that Maradona was quiet in the final, as the West Germans had deployed Matthäus to man mark him for the whole game. But he still gets enough time and space to play the perfectly weighted through ball that enables Burochaga to score the match winning goal. So not that quiet then.

Aside from all this though. One of my favourite clips of Maradona in 1986 isn't actually of him playing football. As I said earlier Mexico 86 was his tournament both on and off the field. And we get to see how much of a bond he has with his team mates, as their captain too, when Maradona leads the dressing rooms in a rendition of...

"Argentina's going to be Champions! 
We dedicate this to you all, even the f***ing whores who gave birth to you."

An adapted song from the terraces. Aimed at the journalists back home who had slammed the team after an indifferent qualification campaign.

Expletives aside, I've always pointed to this clip as one of the fundamental things that separates Diego from Lionel Messi, who is as technically gifted as Maradona, but is often described as aloof and out of touch with the people of Argentina. In my opinion as a captain you win with the team, lose with the team and sing with it!

10. England
This is probably the first thing that sprang to mind when you read the title of this blog post. Maradona is both famous and infamous for the role he played in the Quarter Final against England.

If you've been living under a rock, or aren't English (and have been living behind a rock) you may not have heard about Maradona's contraversial Hand Of God goal, which often leads us in England to dismiss him as a cheat and gloss over his achievements when considering him up against the other greats in the history of the game.

Here's the thing though we, well not you and I, Terry Fenwick (unless Terry Fenwick is reading this, in that case you) spent the whole game kicking Maradona up in the air every time he got a sniff of the ball. We were no angels.

Also even the move for the illegal goal was brilliant. There's a little one two between Maradona and a team mate and then the ball is ricocheted up into the box and even then Diego has no right to win the ball. Even with his hand. Or with his hand close to his head, thus giving the impression he'd actually headed the ball in. Where was Shilton?

OK so you're not buying that because you're too hurt to forgive him even after 32 years, but you have to accept that the second goal is testament to the man's genius. Maradona spins away from Hoddle deep in his own half and then 20 seconds later he's rolled the ball in after going round Shilton. The goal gives me goosebumps every time I see it. It's just outstanding!

For me Maradona will always be a devisive character, a true example of a flawed genius. Whether you remember him for being the size of a house until he got his stomach stapled, hosting bizarre chat shows, ball juggling warm-ups, being led away to that infamous drugs test holding the nurse's hand (?!?) or being that kid in the grainy black and white footage scoring goals for Argentinos Junios against fully grown adults, it cannot be denied that he has made a lasting (and generally positive) impression on the World Cup.

Thanks Diego, I understand you!

ANNOUNCE! Part II - "It was better in my day" - The changing face of the FIFA World Cup

I'd kind of thought about doing something like this for a while, then came yesterday's announcement of the England squad.

Quite often I hark back to a simpler time, either on here or on twitter (*cough* @ntrav99), when football was less commercially savy. When games kicked off at 3pm on a Saturday. When drawn matches went to replays and managers tried to win every competition that they were in; and the main prize wasn't qualifying for a competition that you have no hope of winning, just because of what it did to your bank balance. A time when we rarely knew who owned clubs let alone, who was heading up their "Commercial Strategy"; when the only sponsor that could be seen was the one across the team's chest (who the f*ck sponsors a training kit?!) and Barcelona didn't even have one!

I'm not the only person who has these nostalgic views (I think all the above is bad by the way), in my quest for World Cup related material in the run up to this year's tournament, the irony being that most of this stuff wouldn't have been around back in the day when things were "better", I've heard many a well respected journalist refer to an age where we went into tournaments not knowing any of the players. Being surprised when that Hagi that you'd heard of, but never seen beyond a 20 second clip of him in qualifying, actually turned out to be the real deal.

For me it's kind of a phenomenon that is at odds with itself. I love the fact that nowadays there are so many media sources where I can read about a watch previous World Cup tournaments, but then I do think that life, or should I say the tournament, was probably more interesting and definitely more innocent when you had next to nothing going into it. In the past the World Cup created it's own interest, it didn't need to be slick or well presented to thrive. There was no goal music in the stadium or television cameras that spiral zoomed into the centre circle seconds before kick off.

I suppose there needs to be a balance in terms of the polish. There must be some. I definitely don't want completely to go back in the direction of the early tournaments in terms of presentation. You had 1950, which could have actually been held in 1949 (what?) and consisted of a number of lop sided groups, some with as few as two teams, others with a full compliment of four. You've also got 1954 where the teams didn't even all play eachother in the group phase? The 2 seeds played the 2 "Minows" and that was it.

We also have the 1974, 78 & 82 where FIFA decided to do away with a knock out phase and have a 2nd round of group games?! Although I suppose it meant no penalty shootouts (except for France v Germany in 82). It says a lot about how much FIFA have got their sh*t in order that the current format of the tournament is the longest used by a mile. That of course was until FIFA went too far again and, in the pursuit of more votes from the Football Associations and money from the sponsors that would both benefit from more teams being in the tournament, decided that we would see an expansion to 48 teams in 2026.

It's not just FIFA that are at it. What the hell was that England squad announcement video yesterday? At first I thought, "Hmmmm, this is quite cool and different..." but then it turned into, "What's wrong with a good old fashioned list submitted to the press, which can then be read out?" It just feels like everyone is trying to "out-market" eachother.

I think what I'm saying is that I'd like the World Cup to be on a loop of 1986 to 94; with that 24 team format that we're now using for the European Championship (see I resisted the urge to call it the "European World Cup")! Can we do that...?

You Come At The Kings, You Best Not Miss...

You'd think that this would be the case with the reigning World Champions, but in most cases World Title defences go out with a damp squib. In fact only two sides have successfully defended the World Cup and only one other has made the final.

So what has happened when people have Come At The Kings?

Well 1934 wasn't a great start! You've got to at least turn up if you want to defend the title. I can understand the South Americans not turning up in 38 when the tournament was held in Europe again but Uruguay should really have at least tried to go to Italy!

Their argument was that the Europeans had stayed away in 1930 so they were going to do the same, but the Belgians, Romanians, French and Yugoslavs had made that journey. The US travelled across the Atlantic to get pumped 7-1 by the hosts in a one off Knockout game! "Thanks for coming! Close the door on your way out...!" That's actually not 100% accurate. The Americans actually played Mexico in a one off qualifier in Rome  days before the tournament. So they at least played two games (unlike the poor Mexicans), even if they were sent home early in no uncertain terms. Poor form Uruguay!

1938 is one of the two occasions where the holders actually showed their supremacy. The Italians came through another straight knockout tournament in Europe. You can bet your life no Uruguayans went and got their passports renewed in preperation, same went for Argentina. They were outraged that the tournament hadn't gone back to South America. Of course Brazil were there, haplessly conspiring to ruin their chances of winning the things; resting the tournament's star player in the Semi Final at a time that there were no substitutes.

Any chance of the Italians coming out fighting in 1950 were hampered by two things. War (What's it good for? Absolutely nothing! Say it again...)*, which denied Argentina the right to host the tournament in 1942, not sure they'd have been up for the boat trip anyway considering general aversion to crossing the Atlantic back then. What's wrong with you guys?! Forget the 6 week journey, it's a World Cup! You can be a part of history! Think Barry Davies, Mexico 86, They think it's all over and all that...!

The second factor being the Superga Air Crash, which killed Il Grande Torino, the legendary Torino side who one back to back titles for 5 years straight; and made up the majority of the Italian national team. As a result of the tragedy, the reigning champs, who became the first to actually bother coming to the other side of the world to defend the World Cup, travelled by boat (Dennis Bergkamp style) while the rest of the competitors flew. And were knackered and relatively unfit by the time they arrived in Braaaaaasiw.

1954 saw the first proper attempt at a defence of the title from the Champs. I say this because by that point everybody had started to get the World Cup bug, I mean we were still a few years away from Barry Davies and BBC goal of the Tournament competitions set to naff (but nostalgically warming) soundtracks and graphics, but England were playing! And people were flying and resultantly prepared to cross the Atlantic.

Uruguay, the other half of the duopoly that dominated the World Cup when it came to actually winning the trophy (and not resting your best player in the Semi, declaring yourselves Champions prematurely or annexing your neighbours and trying to ride their coat tails or just not turning up because you think it's all beneath you), made it to the Quarter Finals dispatching of us along the way.

The only real thing to note from their title defence is their ill tempered defeat, later dubbed "The Battle of Bern" in which they were eliminated by the team considered the best in the World at the time, eventual losing finalists Hungary. Apparently tempers boiled over so much that a brawl kicked off in the tunnel and the changing rooms after the match, with the police having to step in.

I actually don't know much of what happened to the Germans in 1958. If memory serves me correctly they came 4th and Juste Fontaine scored 73 goals against them in the playoff (may have been 4). West Germany became the first team other than Uruguay and Italy to win the World Cup when they beat the Hungarians in the rain in Switzerland four years earlier. They couldn't repeat the feat in Sweden  probably partly down to the fact that they hadn't become the fearsome footballing nation that we are all familiar with nowadays (obviously there were no penalties back then either).

In Chile in 1962, one of the most seemingly mundane World Cups in my opinion (obviously after Italia 90, nothing was as drab as the penalty shoot out fest that was Italia 90), Braaaaaasiw unremarkably became the second, and last, team to successfully defend their title. And did it without Pele, one of the many reasons why I think Maradona was better (but that's for another day). Instead they had the goat sh*gging, mother in law killing, alcoholic, genius that was Garrincha to thank.

By 1966 Garrincha was on the decline and Pele had bottled it on the big stage again! I jest (again). As a result the Braaaaaasiwians (that's probably what Roy Hodgson actually calls them) were unceremoniously dumped out of the competition in the first round.

In the technicolor Mexican sun it was our turn to defend the trophy. And we did so without any hiccups, hence we now have two stars above our badge... If only!

What actually happened was our Captain got arrested for jewellery theft and our striker was carried off of an aeroplane on suspicion of being blind drunk on the eve of the tournament. Then our manager offended the locals, our best goalkeeper got food poisoning and his replacement had a howler a quarter final where we surrendered a 2 goal lead and were knocked out. Pretty successful campaign if you ask me!

If you think that was bad, Braaaaaasiw went from being that famous, "Here comes Carlos Alberto on the right...!" team in 1970 to a replica of Billy Bremner's Leeds side of the 70s, four years later in West Germany. I suppose they did still field a slightly overweight looking Rivelinho, but as you can imagine it wasn't the same. The mantle of "Entertainers" was passed on to Johan Cruyff's Dutch side.

In Argentina West Germany were apparently shockingly bad. Although they still made the second group stage, OBVIOUSLY. A bad German side is the equivalent of a good every other nation, while unspectacular it wasn't the worst title defence ever.

Argentina also disappointed four years later in Spain, despite having a young Diego Maradona in the side (the actual GOAT**). One thing that I hadn't appreciated, being 1 at the time of the tournament (don't worry I'm not going to start that again) was that the television station at the time refused to air the opening game of the tournament between the Champs Argentina and Belgium. Which the Argentinians failed to win (is it "Argentinians" or "Argentines"?).

Turns out Maradona's lot weren't so great away from South America, without President Vidiela paying opposing players a visit before key games. The Argentines/Argentinians had a stinker in 82 eventually limping out in the second group stage, with Maradona being sent off in a key game for retaliation to some of the "special attention" he'd been receiving from opposing defenders. This did at least set up the showdown of the tournament between the free scoring  free flowing Braaaaaasiw and the pragmatic slow starters (TM) Italy,  which the Italian's (or is it Italianians, kidding) eventually won. Probably the last we'd see of that young upstart Maradona...

From what I've seen we should always host the World Cup in North or Central America. 1970 looked great; 94 was/is my favourite tournament, bar the final; and 1986, the competition's second visit to Mexico, was an excellent colourful tournament full of exciting players and teams. Except for the holders the Italianians! So much so that I can barely remember what happened to them in the Mexican heat, it was that underwhelming!

From what I recall there was a game against South Korea? That might have been the tournament opener? And there was a game against the Argentine/Argentinians. Then they were eventually eliminated by the French (reigning European World Cup Champions of the Galaxy) in the second round. They'd have had to play Braaaaaasiw in the Quarter Finals anyway ...

Come 1990 the jig was well and truly up for Maradona and Argentina. Considering this was the first World Cup I watched, I can remember being thoroughly disappointed with them from the moment Benjamin Messing lost his boot trying to kick Caniggia into a pulp; through scraping past the USSR (they'd have gone out in the groups had it been the current 32 team format); Maradona's one moment of genius in the game against Braaaaaasiw, amid rumours that they drugged Branco; the penalties that saw off both the Yugoslavianians (I'm messing) and Italy; and that final! The worst World Cup final I've seen (and bear in mind all of the others that I didn't see live seemed to have been better).

But believe it or not, it would turn out that Argentina in 1990 aren't even the worst Champs I've seen in the 8 tournaments I've watched!

Germany weren't great in 1994. But then they're Germany, so that equated to a quarter final exit! Klinsmann did score a quality volley that he set up for himself against South Korea and they did take part in an entertaining 2nd round win over Belgium, which I missed because I was at Butlins (that's another story for another day). But Germany only put up slightly more of a fight than Argentina had 4 years earlier.

Braaaaaasiw in 1998 were probably the best ever reigning champions I've witnessed. For a start they had that Nike advert in the airport, that was worth a Semi Final place on its own. In all seriousness though  they were powered by the best player in the world at the time. Kids imagine Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo actually turned up at a big tournament and replicated what they do to Leganes and Sporting Hee Haw against decent teams... That's Ronaldo in 1998! The man was unstoppable! Except for the whole having a seizure hours before the final.

People talk about Zidane at France 98 but the reality was he only really stood out in the final. The French team is revered in hindsight, whereas Braaaaaasiw were feared, even Denilson!

We got to see the real France in Korea/Japan. Heavily reliant on an injured, and now probably the best in the world, Zidane. For me the best France team I've seen at the World Cup was the 06 lot, who basically tuned up for one last hurrah and came very close to winning the thing. The 02 iteration of the side didn't come near their level, despite being World and European World Cup of the Solar System & Galaxy Champions (I really need to stop with that joke  its been six years!).

Have you ever watched Every Which Way But Loose? Quick synopsis, if you never had ITV during the 1990s. Clint Eastwood is this Street Fighting Prize Fighter who gets his head turned by a pretty country singer he meets in a bar, while he's travelling the country in search of a fight with this legendary street fighter called "Tank Murdoch". At the end of the film he finally gets his fight with a very washed up and out of shape "Tank" but he loses to him, despite dominating the fight, either because the girl is in his head or because he sees that beating "Tank Murdoch" will send him down a similar path as the washed up folk legend that's he's pummelling... Brazil in 2006 were Tank Murdoch!

As much as I love Ronaldo (he's my joint favourite player of all time with Maradona), he just wasn't the electric forward that we saw in 98 or the the lethal finisher that bagged eight in 2002. He kind of walked around the pitch with his hands on his hips, looking like he was in the sort of shape I'd be in if chucked on to a field of Professional Footballers aged 28 (still managed to score this CLASSIC Ronaldo goal against Ghana in the last 16).

Then you had Ronaldinho, he'd graced 02 as part of the "3 R's" attack and was coming off the back of a monster season with Barcelona where he'd won the Champions League and been applauded at the Bernebau after taking Real Madrid apart. But 2006 looked a tournament too much for him despite the bucktoothed, Jerry Curled maestro only being 25/26 at the time.

Roberto Carlos lacked the agility to be as cavalier as he had been in the last two tournaments, and ended up looking like a lost fullback in a pub team (Especially in the defeat against France)! Even Adriano, who was given a shot power of 138,262,937 out of 99 on that year's Pro Evolution soccer disappointed.

It was a sad end to an era of Braaaaaasiwian dominance that had effectively lasted 12 years from the Romario/Bebeto team that was successful in the US.

If Braaaaaasiw were bad I'm not sure what adjective I'd use to describe the next two title defenses that were to come. Granted the Italians in 2010 were unlucky to lose Buffon to injury but they still should have qualified from a group containing Paraguay, New Zealand and Slovakia. The Italian's only achievement of note was a lovely chipped finish from Quagliarella in a frantic 3-2 defeat to the Slovakians. That and their reaffirmation of the "slow starting Italy" stereotype that is lazily rolled out by every pundit on UK television (at least we won't hear that one this year).

Finally we have Spain. Who'd have thought they would have continued trend that has seen 3 of the last 4 World Champions perish in the Group Stage of the following tournament. I blame their signing up of the Diego Costa, a man I recently (correctly) proclaimed to be the King of Shithousery, for a tournament which was to be held in his country of birth (I mean even that is trolling in my eyes)! Things rapidly went down hill for the Spanish (or is it Spaniards ...) and they found themselves dethroned after just two games, much to the delight of that old dude (who I'm assuming was Braaaaaasiwian) with the "Adios Spana" sign. Was that written on a tablet or did I imagine that? If it was, what a time to be alive!

I think what my ramblings will teach you is that one tournament's champion is so often another's laughing stock. Be it washed up has beens, cocky trolls or a bunch of Joga Bontians turned into Stoke! Four years is a long time, especially in a sport so heavily reliant on athleticism and current mental state. Look out Germany...!


*I jest, briefly. As someone with a history degree who has studied the first and second world wars, their causes and effects I'm conscious of trivialising them!

**See I'm down with the kids!