Everybody hates Cris (and friends)

So it’s all come to a head. The festival of football that we’ve been treated to over the past 30 days ends tonight. And only two teams remain, France and Portugal. The French will be favourites to lift the trophy; they’ve got the best squad and, on top of that, they’re the hosts so they can expect the support of the majority in attendance. But it’s not just the home fans who’ll be behind the French. Everybody hates Portugal!

I get that a lot of people see Portugal and Cristiano Ronaldo as being one and the same, and that a lot of people dislike “CR7”. I get that the Portuguese are very fortunate to have even reached the final, I mean they came third in a pretty average group, without winning a single game (que the anti-24 team competition brigade, FYI I disagree with you), and then found themselves on the easier side of the knockout draw. But the hatred is still a bit disproportionate in my eyes.

You're just a fat Jim Carey! 

I mean they were involved in the best game of the first round, the back and forth goal fest with Hungary. In the same game Ronaldo broke his duck with one of the best goals of the tournament. Yet we still loathe them, and I keep hearing comparisons between them and the Euro 2004 Greek side.

I’d just like to point out that I dislike Portugal as much as the next (non-Portuguese) man. I’m no different to the rest of you. The ideal outcome of tonight’s encounter would be a resounding, but  entertaining, French win. I just can’t think of where it all went wrong?!? I used to love watching Portugal in the days of the “Golden Generation” with Figo, Concecao, Nuno Gomes, Pauleta, Vitor  Bia and Jao (and Sao) Pinto. I also didn’t mind them in the days of Deco, Simao and Maniche.

All I can say is Allez Le Bleus! May the blood of our enemies run through our fields (that’s a national anthem joke by the way)!

Enjoy the final!

Quaresma now gives talks in youth clubs on staying out trouble with the law 

PS remember how Jao Pinto always wore that Robbie Fowler style plaster on his nose, and how Maniche looked like a fat Jim Carey? Also why does Quaresma look like the top man in a Latino gang at an American Super-Max prison? I swear he’s even got tear drops tattooed on his cheek! Is that where he’s been all these years? He was well off the footballing radar for a few years, I’m assuming he’s out on good behavior having renounced his past life and turned his back on Los Zetas.

But England aren't even playing (anymore) - Day 20

I’m still alive, unlike English football. My gap in posting began with me giving it a day or so because I thought I was “saturating the market” and then my hiatus went on and on.

As for England or English football. It’s in the same state it was in 4 years ago. Still trying to convince ourselves that the reason for our abject failure at another tournament was the manager, the cohesion of the players (although we can’t say the Lampard/Gerrard thing now), the referee, penalties, basically the same crap.

As opposed to facing up to the fact that our game isn’t good enough. That we’ve only once ever actually done anything at a major internationally tournament (if that raises an eyebrow, actually look back at our Italia 90 & Euro 96 performances/results). That our Premier League, while fairly strong, contains some absolute dross as well and that none of the truly world class players in it are English. That we’re still tactically inept, because we refuse to believe that we aren’t.

But we’ll never do that. So in 2 years (1 and a half if things get even worse), expect the same post!

More importantly, England's defeat robbed me of the opportunity to hilariously tweet Peter Andre and Kerry Katona telling them that, "Their boys took a hell of a beating!"

I'm off, now. I've got the rest of Poland v Portugal to watch.

This blog post on the subject of England's elimination is worth a read, in my opinion anyway!

I hate this bit - Day 9

Norway beat Brazil in that memorable classic from France 98

Today marks the start of the section of a major international tournament that I hate (probably not hate, but I don’t like it as much as the rest of the competition), the final round of group matches.

The first set of games is the best bit. Seeing teams and players for the first time in the competition, for the first time in 2/3 years or for the first time (in a competitive international fixture) full stop. There’s always a sense of, “Ooh [Major footballing nation] are playing tonight!”

Then there’s the next set of games. You’ve formed some opinions based on what you saw the first time around, which end up either being reaffirmed or shot to pieces. Some teams are eliminated, others cement a place in the next round. It has a purpose, and there is still an excitement.

Finally there’s the last round. Silly season. Some teams are desperate, others couldn’t care less. It’s like the end of every season when Sunderland turn into Barcelona and go on an 8 game winning run to stay up, with Borini playing like Neymar. This is the time, in days of old, where Brazil would give Denilson and Edmundo a run out, Holland would do the same with the likes of Zenden and France would start with the tracksuit-bottomed Lama in goal instead of Barthez.

Most of the games will now feel like testimonials. They don’t care, nobody does, unless you’re a team that regularly lives on the edge of the precipice that is elimination, like England or Spain 20 years ago. And in that case you’ll probably win anyway because Albania’s 2nd choice goalkeeper isn’t up to much!

Bring on the 2nd round! No penalties though!

Learning French, Fascists and Can somebody PLEASE stitch up Corluka’s head! - Days 7 and 8

Technically I’m keeping up with posting 150 words a day. Combining posts is helping. In my defence I wasn’t around yesterday.

I’ve finally been to a major football tournament! I mean I suppose you could count the Olympic football back in 2012, but it’s not quite the same. Yesterday I went to Toulouse and Saw Italy beat Sweden in one of the most disjointed and uninspiring games of football I’ve ever gone and watched. I’ve come to the conclusion that Italy would be better off with the original Pele and Eder up front even if they’ve both now got a combined age of over 130.

There’s been a lot of focus on fan behaviour (or the lack of it) and the threat of terrorism in France, but what I experienced yesterday was thousands of people of all ages and nationalities coming together to watch a (dire) football match. It was like a McDonalds advert! The only negative element in the crowd were a group of 4 or 5 Italian fans sat 4 rows in front of me, who proceeded to perform fascist salutes during the national anthem.

My initial reaction was, “Oh Lazio Ultras…” I’ve seen a lot regarding their links to the far right. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not silly and I know a little about Italian culture and some of the issues that the country currently faces in terms of ethnicity and attitudes towards it, so I’m aware that this isn’t just a Lazio thing. Additionally I know a little bit about fascism (I have a BA Honours degree in History), its significance in Italian history as well as the relationship that the salute, which was adopted by and has become synonymous with Hitler and the Nazis, has with fascism. As a result I didn’t necessarily think that they were racist or would have a problem with me, but it was definitely eye opening. If anything the fella behind them waiving an Algerian flag, might have drawn more attention.

For the record they were 4 Padova fans and one from Genoa (I’ve done a bit of research and even managed to find them on Facebook).

The real issue yesterday was my ridiculously poor grasp of the French language. I mocked Gary and Phil Neville a few months ago, stereotyping them as your archetypal Brits Abroad, shouting everything in English. I was no better yesterday! I mean obviously I wasn’t shouting in English, refusing to drink the water and insisting on eating chips because they’re “safe”. But I literally couldn’t communicate with any of the locals. It probably didn’t help that with Toulouse, not being a major tourist spot like say Paris, many people there don’t speak any English at all, and don’t need to. The upshot of it all is that I need to learn French, and useful French at that. Thanks to 3 lessons a week, for 3 years in my early teens, the best I can do is tell you my name, ask to borrow your ruler and say that during the summer holidays I went to the swimming pool. I need to sort myself out with regards to the French language. My German, on the other hand, is actually quite good.

Finally, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE STICH UP VEDRUN CORLUKA’S HEAD!! He cannot play another game wrapped in swathes of an array of bandages. At other point yesterday I swear he was wearing a water polo hat?!?

Some more pics from Toulouse...

Will somebody just let me watch the football!! - Days 5 and 6

Why does everybody hate the Sturridge dance? I love it!

It’s a real battle watching major international tournaments these days. I mean when I was a kid I could literally watch EVERY GAME. Maybe not the late ones during USA 94, I recorded them on VHS then played them on fast forward the following day up until each goal, but in other tournaments I was definitely spoilt.

The main problem is work. Especially when they (UEFA & FIFA that is) keep scheduling tournament games for the middle of the working day. I’m not being funny but both federations are pretty money obsessed, hence the choice of Russia and Qatar for the next two World Cups. Have they not worked out that by scheduling games at the best times of the day for the European TV market, they can attract even more advertising money? Stop these bloody 2pm games!

This year I’m missing the 2^nd half of the England Wales game. I know you’re probably saying to yourself, “Well if it was that important to you, why didn’t you take annual leave?” I normally would. In the past I’d never make such a rookie mistake. My holiday form goes in as soon as the draw is made. England games and opening games during working hours are totally out of bounds for work. Not this time. This year I’m moving jobs. I’ve already handed in my notice, as a result I have a reduced allocation of annual leave, and I don’t have any more days left! Arggh!

The tournament has been pretty decent so far. No 0-0’s. And no penalty shoot out’s (I know there haven’t been any knockout games, I’m being silly)! Albania have let me down, well not necessarily let me down but look like they’re going out, contrary to my earlier predictions. But Iceland lived up to the billing I gave them as did Portugal (in a way).

I’m off to Italy v Sweden tomorrow in Toulouse (I’ve probably mentioned it a few times already) and I cannot wait! Zlatan vs Italy!

Oh! And I was on Shoot The Defence again the other night! Thanks again for having me on, even if you did give me a hard time about Payet!

Somebody have a word with Jamie Redknaop! - Day 4

Write off the Italians at your peril. As an avid follower of Serie A, I had been saying for weeks that they wouldn’t amount to anything at this year’s tournament. The Injuries to their best two midfielders; lack of a decent striker (Why?!? Oh why?!? Did Conte not take Giuseppe Rossi?); and the performance at the last World Cup. It all spelt early exit to me. What do I know?!

I’ll tell you what I do know! Belgium are decent, but they’re nowhere near as good as everyone makes out. And I thought that before last night. In England people only rate the Belgians because they know all of their players due to the majority of the playing in The Best League in the World.™* I cannot for the life of me understand how they are ranked 2^nd in the World? Did FIFA just ask Jamie Redknapp for his views?

Speaking of overrated, Portugal are on tonight…!

*Most competitive league in the world at times when it’s obvious that the standard is pretty average e.g. after an early Champions/Europa League exit**

**This isn’t counting towards the 150 word limit by the way!***

***Neither is that…

Sorry non-football fans - Day 3

In all of the giddiness that has taken over in the last few days it has completely passed me by that Brazil were eliminated from the Copa America! IN THE GROUP STAGE! Despite them taking a pretty strong squad and thumping Haiti 7-1 the other night.

This is the thing when a major tournament is on. Everything else stops, even caring for other football. Major Tournaments do actually make me feel sorry for those who don’t like football. I’m sure that they couldn’t give a toss and that they might find my “pity” patronising. But what do they have?

I genuinely woke up on Friday morning feeling like a kid at Christmas. Last night, rather than thinking, “Urgh I hate Sunday nights...” it was, “Great! It’s Germany v Ukraine…”. Same for today, there was no, “Urgh! Monday morning...!” For today is an opportunity to watch Spain, Zlatan and Italy!

Much like Christmas as a kid, a major European tournament has no weekdays or weekends. For about a month, life just isn’t the same!